Oh crap, I think I'm gay...

[TX-Beau]

Is 22 too old to be having that kind of revelation?

So, I've been in a relationship with a girl for 3 years now. I really really care about her, I feel like I love her (but is it possible to love a girl if I'm gay?). Everyone says that we're such a cute perfect couple. So things should be great but...

I think I've always felt an attraction for guys at some level. But the way I've been raised, I only ever imagined that I'd be dating girls, getting married, having kids etc. Anything else didn't even seem to be an option so I just ignored my feelings for guys, thinking I was just confused and that it'd all go away.

Except, the years have passed and it didn't go away. If anything it's stronger. I've even been repeatedly looking at gay porn online, behind my girlfriend's back of course...
So I feel like a horrible person for deceiving her like that and I don't know what to do.

I feel trapped in this relationship which, the way things are going, is headed for marriage. I can't imagine getting married, spending a lifetime with that secret...
But I can't imagine getting out of it either. I know she would be completely crushed if I broke up with her after these years. Not to mention everyone else's reaction....

And also, how do I know that I'm not just confused even more now? It's not like I've ever had any sort of relationship or physical contact with a guy.

I wish I could just go back to being 18. Then i'd probably take a vow of celibacy so that no one would have to deal with how messed up I am.

Seems like you already know what you are, you just haven't come to terms with it. Takes time to deal with that. Don't be a tool and drag a woman down that road with you. It's dishonest, and unkind. Plus the men you meet will respect you more if you aren't lying to a wife.

You haven't been together that long, though from the perspective of 22, I suppose 3 years seems like an eternity. She'll be a lot more devastated when you're 35 and she catches you cheating with some guy, than if you let it end before you marry her.

You know what to do, gay, straight, whatever, in any relationship if you can't give her what she deserves, if you can't get what you need, how kind is it to play this game. The longer you wait, the nastier the split will be. You're not married yet, don't go there unless you're absolutely sure you can be the guy she deserves.

It sounds like you want out, is it fair to let her have all these expectations of happily ever after when you know that's not gonna happen. How much do you love her? Enough to stop the charade and give her the chance to find a straight guy while she's still young?

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and fuck what other people say. Do what's best for you and her.

 

[TX-Beau]

Dean, you're hardly a geezer, so you get some slack on this, it bodes well that you figured this out and wanted help, and aren't just repressing the hell out of yourself.

I don't know this girl, but unless she's some kind of hyper conservative religious zealot, you might consider telling her what you're feeling. I can't imagine that would be easy, and I can't imagine her reacting well to hearing this, but at the very least, you'll have done your best by her. Give her options, and information to make informed decisions about your relationship. If at that point she decides that she can't stay with you, she just might be able to remain friends with you. At any rate telling her why you have reservations is a lot better than ignoring the situation or just walking flat out.

 

[Caaake]

yes its possible to love a woman if you're gay, two people at the same, two genders at the same time. Our hearts and body parts are attracted and love who we do, and thats it. There are no rules. And are you attracted to women at all?

 

[Eeyore]

You also have to keep in mind that there's more than one way to love someone.

You can love her dearly but it doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with her for the rest of your life.

The thing you said that really speaks to me the most is that you feel trapped. At that point it doesn't really matter what else is going on, if you feel like that, it's not really a healthy relationship, and something needs to change.

As someone else said, it's possible if you're open and honest with her, she may still want to be friends. It's even possible she might suspect something and is expecting you to tell her. The only way to know for sure is to tell her what you told us, and see how things go.

 

[hermanding]

do you become aroused around guys?
ding

 

[bankside]

Is 22 too old to be having that kind of revelation?

So, I've been in a relationship with a girl for 3 years now. I really really care about her, I feel like I love her (but is it possible to love a girl if I'm gay?). Everyone says that we're such a cute perfect couple. So things should be great but...

I think I've always felt an attraction for guys at some level. But the way I've been raised, I only ever imagined that I'd be dating girls, getting married, having kids etc. Anything else didn't even seem to be an option so I just ignored my feelings for guys, thinking I was just confused and that it'd all go away.

Except, the years have passed and it didn't go away. If anything it's stronger. I've even been repeatedly looking at gay porn online, behind my girlfriend's back of course...
So I feel like a horrible person for deceiving her like that and I don't know what to do.

I feel trapped in this relationship which, the way things are going, is headed for marriage. I can't imagine getting married, spending a lifetime with that secret...
But I can't imagine getting out of it either. I know she would be completely crushed if I broke up with her after these years. Not to mention everyone else's reaction....

And also, how do I know that I'm not just confused even more now? It's not like I've ever had any sort of relationship or physical contact with a guy.

I wish I could just go back to being 18. Then i'd probably take a vow of celibacy so that no one would have to deal with how messed up I am.

I've been there - every sentence you wrote, every detail you mentioned, only it was 15 years ago. It ended for other reasons, and 3 months after she wanted us to try again, but by then I knew I couldn't. It is not why we broke up but it is why we didn't get back together, and I cried myself to sleep every night for probably a year wishing it was different.

Now I've been with the guy of my dreams for 11 years. I can give him a depth of love and feeling I could not have offered my exgf. And if I had gone back to her, I would have just been wasting her time and stopping her from finding the guy who could. You deserve to have a relationship that is complete in every way...it is not a selfish thing - she deserves it too, and the less time wasted the better.

 

[Richardodessa]

Dean, this is standard stuff.....if you aren't 100% sure then don't commit to anything.

 

[Fishstix]

There is a thing called bisexuals. Do you still get turned on by looking at women?

 

[Caaake]

Dean, don't feel bad, you are a natural human being with desires. You obviously want to be with this woman and it says something about her that shes been the first female you've been attracted to and that she's still in your life despite your sexuality, she seems like a special lady. However, the tone you make about her is as though you already made up your mind about her that "you care for her but.." you have a feeling that you need to break away, so do it. Thats your instinct, you'll be sorry either way if you end it or don't end it. But in the long run breaking up with her will benefit it you more. Now go find some naked dudes, and enjoy your sexuality.

 

[youngnihilist]

She sounds like she's better off being your fag hag or gay boy's female bff...

No but really, i've seen guys like you before. so attached to their girlfriends, with them 24/7, but with a hankering for a man. you know what's really right for you deep down and good thing you've figured this out now rather than later. can you still just "be friends" with her? maybe.

but you really deserve to be in relationship you that truly works.. not a lie

 

[Just_Believe18]

Dean, look at it this way:

Do you find yourself attracted to both sexes? Do you see yourself having sex with both men and women? Or would you describe yourself as truly gay? Do you only want sexual intimacy with men?

The reason I ask this depends on your options. If you are bisexual, I would suggest you stay with your girlfriend. Love is a treasure never to give up. You love her and she loves you. It sounds like you have the kind of relationship that is wonderful and lasting. It would be very hard to find again. I am all for bisexuals pursuing both males and females. However, at some point they have to make a choice. However, I think this choice has come at a very young age where you already have found someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. There's nothing wrong with sacrificing something for the person you truly love.

If you are bisexual, and break up with her, you will experience men. These experiences will be experimental and fleeting. They won't last. You'll move on from guy to guy unless you want to pursue a relationship with one. Gay relationships are hard. There are a lot of variables that make it complicated and difficult. We're not the best dating material. A lot of us have baggage, emotional issues, and insecurities. The chances of finding a relationship like the one you have now are slim. Most of us have spent our lives pursuing one.

However, if you are gay, then you need to break up with her. You will spend a life unhappy and unfulfilled. Don't make the mistake many gay men have by trying to live the "straight" life. It becomes even worse and more complicated with children involved. If you find yourself not wanting to have sex with women again and only men, then you know your answer. It's not something you can put away. It will only add over time.

 

[rareboy]

I think that whether you are gay or bisexual, you need to be completely honest with her and then see what happens.

To marry her and then try to have a secret gay life would be wicked and hurtful for both of you. There are countless stories of ruined, wasted lives that have been based on this kind of dishonest relationship.

Now....start figuring out how you're going to break the news.

 

[Telstra]

quote: Oh crap, I think I'm gay...


yes you are gay.
Tell her everything and see how that goes. No rush, take your time.

 

[joeG23]

You need to separeate out ur relationship from your sexuality. Take time out, it will be hard for you both, particularly for her. But while you feel trapped you will not be able to deal with your inner feelings. You need to explore who you really are. Take time doing it, and don't be afraid to ask for help - family, if possible, friends, or a counsellor. You are young, but old enough to make decisions which will affect the future course of your life. Think through the consequences of your actions. Much better to deal with them now than later when you may be trapped in a marriage. Best of luck, Joe

 

[treanir]

I feel trapped in this relationship which, the way things are going, is headed for marriage. I can't imagine getting married, ut I can't imagine getting out of it either. I know she would be completely crushed if I broke up with her after these years.

I've taken out the references to sexuality in the quote above. Now re-read it. What does it say? You feel trapped in this relationship. Now, whether you're homo-, bi-, hetero-, omni-, poly-, a-, or any other kind of sexual, that's not fair to either of you. Yes, it's hard to break up with her, but if you honestly do not want to be in a relationship with her, then don't be. It'll hurt a lot more if, twenty years down the line, you decide it wasn't a good idea to get married after all. Sexuality-issues aside, your post says exactly what you want (and don't want). You owe it to her and to yourself to listen to what you want. Now, I'm not saying "break up with her tonight", but if you truly do not want to be in this relationship, then you shouldn't be.

Now, a few remarks on your sexuality: the fact that the first times you got aroused were with women doesn't have to mean a lot. If a woman rubs my crotch, I get hard too. That doesn't mean I would have sex with her. It's a reflex. Secondly, we're born with our sexuality, but it's our upbringing that determines how we deal with same-sex attraction. You alluded to you being raised as straight and nothing but. I don't know in what way this was, but you do.

From words on a screen I can't tell on what end of the sexuality continuum you are. You fall somewhere between or on "completely straight" and "completely gay". Where is something you either know or will learn about yourself. Until you're sure, keep an open mind about yourself. Accept what you feel and who you're attracted to, no matter how that plays out in the end.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

[qget12]

Heres my two cents. Before you start labelling yourself as "gay" or you start to think your gay, just remember one thing, you get turned on by women. So don't rush into trying to define what you are. Most people don't conform to one box.
Now, you could always try and fool about with a guy behind her back. If you can't stand the thought of breaking up with her, and maybe feel your just curious, some experimentation might be best. Although it's cheating and dishonest etc, if it turns out you didn't like the experience, it could save your relationship in the long run.
Ideally, you could tell her you want to go on a break, tell her it's some personal things your going through and you need to figure some things out. Which would be 100% true.

 

[joeG23]

Treanir has got it in one. He's said exactly what I was struggling to. You owe it to your girlfriend to get out of the relationship. Imagine how she will feel if you get married and then turn round and tell her you are not the man she thought you were. At the very least let her know how you are feeling about ur sexuality. It's as good a reason for stepping out of the relationship - even if only for a while - as any.

 

[s0436]

Somethings can't be controlled

 

[Fuckmyhole]

If you know that you can't live with this secret then break it off gently before things get deeper than they already are !