Oh, those straight best friends!

[crubbed]

Hi. New here.
I am 19, I finished school this year, I'm starting college in October and I have a problem. I've desperately fallen in love.

On my last year of school, a new classmate arrived: his name was Sacha, and I kinda disliked him from day one. He looked like a spoiled brat to me, I was envious of all those girls falling for him, and let's just say I didn't want him in my class. That's because I thought he would have not liked me, and we would have been enemies (it always happens like this to me with good-looking guys!). So we barely exchanged words.

During the first few months, he was oddly interested in my private life... he asked me out of the blue what I had done the previous Saturday, or Sunday, who were my friends, if I was with a girl, etc. I barely answered him, since I'm a private person, and... I never did anything on Saturdays, nor I had many friends to hang out with OR a girlfriend for that matter. But I didn't want him to know, I didn't want him to feel 'superior'.

Fast forward until MARCH 2006. We, as a class, have to move to a new classroom. I kinda manipulate things into having Sacha sit next to me. Hey, finally a cool guy who would consider me! I could have made friends with him. I knew that I absolutely HAD NOT to fall in love with him, because it would have been awful, and for the first two months... I was very successful! I was proud of me, because I really couldn't care less about him. Then something happened. On May, I 'blackmailed' him -- if he told me a certain girl's secret, I would have opened up to him about my love life (I was planning on filling him with lies). I did, I told him I was with a girl, but I preferred to keep it as a secret, because she was already fianced, I was just 'the other one', etc. etc. But the situation went out of control, and I had to fill him with lies again and again, in order for him to see me as a cool guy... when he realized that I used to have sex with this older girl, he even said he was envious/jealous of my luck! Wow!

We started hanging out together... he came at my house for school, and in the evening we would just go downtown with his car and spend the night together.
It was so romantic. I realized I had fallen in love with him, but I thought, Hey, maybe I'm just searching for a friend... I have never had a 'cool' friend, you know, so it's just a matter of staying with him and enjoying what I haven't had during my youth! Maybe I'm not really in love.
But then school ended. He had basically used me to get good grades. And once school was over, I heard less and less from him. I missed him so much. And I hated him, because he would just go out and party with his old friends, while I was at home, all alone. He could have invited me!

Then, on August, something happened. For some circumstances, we are renting the same room for college. We are gonna live together! Can you imagine my joy? I just can't wait till October! I already spent TWO days with him in our new room: we slept together (...), we had dinner together and everything. We showered in the same place (not together). It was wonderful. I even told him I'm ticklish (while I'm not), so he always gives me a tickle -- that's an excuse for me to be touched by him, and he always does! He always touches me, and while I love it, it's embarrassing, because I have an erection, and he absoutely can't see it! I am confident that, if we live so close, something will happen. I'm sure. I just want a kiss, and sleep in his arms, and things like that. Nothing too wilde.

But this whole situation is a problem!
I'm happy only if he's with me!
I'm unhappy when I don't hear from him, when we're distant!
I'm ready to give up everything in my life, all my plans etc, if I can just be with him.
I think about him ALL THE TIME. I wake up thinking of him, and go asleep the same.
I don't eat anymore, because of all of this stress.
I can't live my life anymore, because I love him more than my life!
I don't think this is love, this is an obsession!
And if I start living with him... when am I gonna have my first sexual experiences? When? I'll have eyes only for him! But after all, if we didn't live together... I would be very unhappy, and obsessing about him forever. At least now I know we'll be together in some form, and this comforts me.

Oh, and wait: when we spent those days together, he told me he had fallen in love with a girl... This girl had always worshipped him, but he's fallen only now. GOD, I HATE THIS SLUT! If they are together, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO! I would be just... angry and... MAD! I'm jealous. This whole situation is making me sick.
[omg, and what if he finds a girl and brings her in our own room, and asks me to leave it free for a short time? I would go ballistic! Thank God, Sacha is not very lucky with women]

 

[MTOMN77]

Tooooooo many lies, fabrications for you to have any "real" relationship, also the confusion as to how old you are, don't you think? If he is not gay and really interested in you as just a "friend", is this what you want? Or if he turns out bi, are you willing to "share" him with someone else? Doesn't sound like he wants an exclusive relationship with you from what you have reported. Or, are you going to lure him into some kind of sex thing, knowing that he is already proclaimed himself to a girlfriend. Sounds like you are rather insecure and need to cling to someone else to "be". You don't really and you should have enough self respect by now that you don't have to lie to get someone to be anything to you.

 

[crubbed]

Thank you for your response, MTOMN.

Tooooooo many lies, fabrications for you to have any "real" relationship

You're right. After those two days I spent with him closely, I was so worn out by all my lies. Gosh, lying all day long is so hard. I mean, hiding your feelings for that amount of time, faking to not be ultra-happy when you actually are... it's hard.

If he is not gay and really interested in you as just a "friend", is this what you want?

But he's just as young as me, and he's a volatile person. He hasn't got strong opinions etc, he's one of those persons who change according to the person they're talking with. He's very weak, which makes the situation even odder, because I thought I liked more confident men. Instead I kinda like 'protecting' him. There's so much sexual tension when we are together, I'm sure I can talk him into doing the unthinkable. It's just my dependency -- that is dangerous.

Or if he turns out bi, are you willing to "share" him with someone else?

Uh, no, but I'd love to try.

Sounds like you are rather insecure and need to cling to someone else to "be". You don't really and you should have enough self respect by now that you don't have to lie to get someone to be anything to you.

I know, I know... I WAS like that before all this thing came along! I was a very strong and opinionated person, and not much scared me. But now, I'm like a melodramatic twit! It's awful. He made me like that, or I myself made this to me...

 

[looseliam]

Before things go further, I would level with him; tell him the truth.

Then, just see what happens.

I'm glad you have the frame-of-mind to realize this may be obsessive behaviour. But with you two living together, I can see the stress increasing.

He may be angry with you that you lied. I think you should tell him why you did.

 

[wentworth]

Bad, bad!!! Get another roommate/room. This story is about to go bad soon--real soon.

 

[crubbed]

Before things go further, I would level with him; tell him the truth.
Then, just see what happens.
He may be angry with you that you lied. I think you should tell him why you did.

Liam, I thank you for your advice, really, but I will never do that!
First of all, he would tell his parents... who know mine... and since we live in two different small towns, both towns would learn it. Then I would never have any chance with him, while now I can still hope something could happen.

BUT, Sacha was the very first guy who has made me THINK about coming out with him. When school was ending, I fantasized about telling him I had fallen in love with him... and that not anyone is so lucky to have someone fall in love with them. And then I would have kindly asked him just a kiss... to have a memory.
But right now, I'm glad I didn't do that, otherwise we wouldn't be in touch nowadays.

I'm glad you have the frame-of-mind to realize this may be obsessive behaviour.

Yeah, I know! Back to this summer (let's say July), during the first weeks that we didn't hear each other, I started going to the beach just to see him, see what he was doing, who he was with, how well he looked in his speedo, and I kept investigating about what he did at nights etc. I was basically stalking him!

Wentworth, I don't think I have the strenght to change my plans right now. No, I would regret it for all my life! And the situation is already bad, because the afternoon after our two-day-trip together, I started crying when I was in my home all alone. Why? Because during the night, we travelled together... and while he slept for all the time, I was there staring at him and contemplating how handsome he was AND how much I loved him, and how that feeling was bigger than me. In the afternoon, I felt overwhelmed by that night that I spent completely awaken and haunted.

But I am who I want to be, when I'm with him. He colours my life. If I'm not with him, everything seems boring, and very much 'assumed'. So...

 

[looseliam]

The just play it cool. But I'd hate to see something happen months from now only to have you tell him you've been lying to him all this time.

Do not, DO NOT, let your feelings for this person stop you from pursing another interest. Don't fall into the trap of loving someone who doesn't love you, thus preventing someone else from loving you. If that makes any sense.

 

[Roland00]

Do not, DO NOT, let your feelings for this person stop you from pursing another interest. Don't fall into the trap of loving someone who doesn't love you, thus preventing someone else from loving you. If that makes any sense.

Amen

(In a non religious way of course )

 

[confusedboy23]

Yeah, I think you really do need to get the facts straight! You need to know if he indeed is into guys because otherwise, you would end up being crushed. Don't mistake touchy-feely guys to be gay because my best freind are both touchy-feely but he is as straight as anything. I guess I'm lucky I have never had any interest in him. As for you, take looseliam's advice!

 

[crubbed]

Do not, DO NOT, let your feelings for this person stop you from pursing another interest. Don't fall into the trap of loving someone who doesn't love you, thus preventing someone else from loving you. If that makes any sense.

Yeah, it does, but how can I convince me into doing this? I cannot control my feelings! Shouldn't we all do what makes us happy? I'm happy when I'm with him, so I should do everything to be with him -- I think. Is it that wrong?

As far as my lies go, I think he would think I'm totally crazy if I told him. And he would be right. You can't even imagine what my mind made up just to impress him. If this were another person, I would think this person was crazy.

confusedboy23, for now Sacha is quite straight. But he's straight because he grew up thinking he could only be straight... I'm confident I can make him change his mind. I'm confident something can happen between us, I just need to be very careful. I kinda want to seduce him but making it look like he is seducing me. This is such a crazy situation, I can't believe I put myself into it.

I'm also very much paranoid about him hearing the rumor of me being gay. He absolutely thinks I'm straight (thanks to all those wonderful stories I told him), and that's cool because if he suspected I was gay, he just wouldn't talk with me, and wouldn't want to be seen with me in public. Around town there's just a very little rumor about me being gay, and so far it got to his ears just once (one of his stupid male friends told him he thought I was a fag, which Sacha laughed about thank God!). That's why I hesitate when it comes to be introduced to his group of friends... what if they realize I'm gay, I'm in love with him and tell him?
But I can't go on being in a separate sphere from his friends... this will divide us! I want to hang out with him every night, and I'd never want for him to dump me because he has to go out with his other friends. No!

I'm pathetic, right? I know, but I spent 18 years of my life not being pathetic, and I didn't get much out of it.

Anyway, I love talking with you all, you are very supportive. I decided to do it when, during our trip together, Sacha told me he wants to pursue an acting career. When he told me that, I realized 'Hey, he's good-looking, he's probably not much of a good actor, but that's not what matters nowadays'. I realized that if he actually succeeds, without us 'making it', I will really become one of those Hollywood stalkers, you know, one of those who buys every magazine the star is in, cuts the articles and puts them in the same creepy book. I'm obsessed by him up until this point.

This summer, when we were not in touch, I fantasized about calling him on the cellphone, and just be silent and listen to him asking 'who's there?'... just to hear his voice.

 

[crubbed]

Another thing that bums me about how this whole situation is sick, is how I am happy... if he's unhappy.

I mean, if I learn he spent a whole night all alone, bored and all... I'm happy.
If I learn I succeeded in something he failed, well I'm a little happy.
Sometimes I think this is just a personality disorder. After all, we look like each other -- we are both tall, thin, dark. He's just much more twinky looking than me, while I'm hairy, I have a beard etc. And he's quite admired among the girls, which I never was. I'm envious of him, he's always had everything in life that I didn't have, always.

And then there's this situation with this girl. Today is Saturday, and what if he spends the night with that slutty chick he so likes? What if they both decide to be together (what morons! they both love each other, and are straight, so what's there to decide???)?! And if they make sex? I'm gonna die for the desperation. This is another situation where I totally hope that things go badly for him. I'm so mean.

 

[confusedboy23]

I still believe that same-sex attraction is a given, and not a choice so I don't think you would have much chance in "changing" him. Just look at how extreme the failure rates of those "gay cure" theraphy out there are! Think about it.....

 

[confusedboy23]

Oh, I might just add - you should still take looseliam's advice! Talk to him before things get any messier......

 

[Riverrick]

I know this desperate, obsessive, dizzying, consuming, yearning feeling. A lot of guys out there reading this thread do also. We know exactly what this feels like and how crazy it can make us act.

We know the emptiness of being away from the other person, the joy of moments spent together, and the sick feeling when they are with someone else.

And who am I to tell you that sitting alone and having no palpable life is better than this? I would hope for more for you because I also know that most of the time these things end with us getting hurt. But I understand what you are doing and nothing you've said sounds crazy to me.

Just try to keep one thing in mind. That your emotions do not reflect the reality of the situation for him. We don't know what his reality is and without starting to inject some honesty into your friendship, you won't either.

Admitting our faults and mistakes can be touching to other people, when done sincerely. So my advice would be to start to break down that wall of lies. Just a little at a time. Sometimes letting go of control in a situation is the way to the best outcome.

 

[jockboy01]

Not to be rude... but to be honest, this looks like it has disaster written all over it.

First, the relationship sounds like it is built on lies... everything from the random older woman you are dating to how you feel about him.

Second, you think that he is str8 but you can change him. Not going to happen. Orientation is not changeable. So if he is indeed str8, he's not changing for you.

Third, you're living with a guy you have a crush on who doesn't have a crush back on you while in college. College is a great time and it sounds like your first year you will be tormented.

This whole thing looks bad from where I sit. I know the feelings you have for him, so I sympathize with that. But I'd recommend some serious changes in this relationship ASAP. But I don't see you doing that, so.... let's see how this plays out.

 

[crubbed]

I still believe that same-sex attraction is a given, and not a choice so I don't think you would have much chance in "changing" him. Just look at how extreme the failure rates of those "gay cure" theraphy out there are! Think about it.....

I think he IS attracted to guys. He just doesn't realize it is sexual attraction. I mean, I SEE him looking at hot boys when we are on the streets. Maybe it's just to see the competition, but he checks on them. I think there's a gay side of him he hasn't explored.

And, as I told you, he's weak and volatile. It would be so easy for me to catch him in a gay moment.
Plus, he can't hold alcohol. Really. He's drunk after one drink. I know this may sound disgusting, but I plan on taking advantage of that. No, I don't want to have sex with him while he's drunk, I don't plan raping him, absolutely. That would be sick even for me. I just plan on kissing him while he's drunk (and believe me, he's totally drunk) and see how beautiful he is when naked. Is it so bad?

Oh, I might just add - you should still take looseliam's advice! Talk to him before things get any messier......

I've stopped telling him lies... There are no stories left. I already told him, that I want to start a new life with college, and don't want to rehash the past. So that's a great way for me to avoid telling him more lies. The only big lie that really destroys me is that I love him, and I have to hyde it 24/7. It's painful, but, really, guys, do you think I have another choice? I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

I know this desperate, obsessive, dizzying, consuming, yearning feeling. A lot of guys out there reading this thread do also. We know exactly what this feels like and how crazy it can make us act.

I know... But how did you manage to get over this? How did you manage to survive? Any of you succeeded?

But I understand what you are doing and nothing you've said sounds crazy to me.

Thank you so much, Riverrick. You can't believe how good to hear is this.

Just try to keep one thing in mind. That your emotions do not reflect the reality of the situation for him. We don't know what his reality is and without starting to inject some honesty into your friendship, you won't either.

You're right... I always get mad at him, when he doesn't invite me the evenings with his friends... I feel used. But after all, he does nothing wrong. I'm a friend for him, and he just treats me like one. Nothing special. I am the one who serves the special tratment, and who would do anything for him, but that's just because I'm in love. He always hangs out with his old group from high school, and I shouldn't feel cheated.

Admitting our faults and mistakes can be touching to other people, when done sincerely. So my advice would be to start to break down that wall of lies. Just a little at a time. Sometimes letting go of control in a situation is the way to the best outcome.

Thank you, I appreciate the advice, in fact I've stopped telling him lies. It's just that I can't break the ONE-BIG-LIE... I can't tell him that I'm madly in love with him, can I?

And -- I wanted to ask you all: is it like that? Am I in love with him... or is this simply an obsession? Sometimes I feel like he is my soulmate, but other times, I feel that he's a disease for me. There are too many strong feelings, and all at once.

Second, you think that he is str8 but you can change him. Not going to happen. Orientation is not changeable. So if he is indeed str8, he's not changing for you.

I don't think he's straight. He acts straight, and likes women, but I suppose he could be bi if given the chance. Noone has opened his eyes yet.
If he's straight, okay, he'll always be straight. But what if he's not? We don't know for sure...

 

[jackers731]

But this whole situation is a problem!
I'm happy only if he's with me!
I'm unhappy when I don't hear from him, when we're distant!
I'm ready to give up everything in my life, all my plans etc, if I can just be with him.
I think about him ALL THE TIME. I wake up thinking of him, and go asleep the same.
I don't eat anymore, because of all of this stress.
I can't live my life anymore, because I love him more than my life!
I don't think this is love, this is an obsession!


DONT LiSTEN 2 TH NEGATIVE THINGS lottsa these guys r sayin!!
im goin thru th exact same thing tho im not movin in with my obsession! lol
its not ideal.. no... but th heart wants wot it wants, huh?

i wld do ne thing 2 b wit th guy i am totally in love wit!!!

good luck wit it all m8!


i think lotsa these members 4get wot its like 2 b under 49 !!! jk

 

[Riverrick]

I've stopped telling him lies

That's a good start. Smart move.

I know... But how did you manage to get over this? How did you manage to survive? Any of you succeeded?

All of our stories are different. In my case, the first guy I never even tried anything with. That was in high school. We became best friends (because I orchestrated it ) and I made that be enough for me.

The second guy was gay but only coming out. I was already out. He loved me as a friend, I guess. But every now and then he would have sex with me. I, on the other hand, was madly in love with him and it confused the fuck out of me. So I tried doing the "friend" thing. Not good...terrible, horrible. Eventually I told him how I felt and decided not to see him for a year. He was hurt but I did it nonetheless and felt better soon after. A year later, I picked up our friendship and was fine.

You're right... I always get mad at him, when he doesn't invite me the evenings with his friends... I feel used. But after all, he does nothing wrong. I'm a friend for him, and he just treats me like one. Nothing special. I am the one who serves the special tratment, and who would do anything for him, but that's just because I'm in love. He always hangs out with his old group from high school, and I shouldn't feel cheated.

That's a remarkably mature comment. Write it down and refer to it once in a while.

Thank you, I appreciate the advice, in fact I've stopped telling him lies. It's just that I can't break the ONE-BIG-LIE... I can't tell him that I'm madly in love with him, can I?

I'm not going to tell you what you can or can't tell him. That's up to you. You'll have to feel out the situation.

And -- I wanted to ask you all: is it like that? Am I in love with him... or is this simply an obsession? Sometimes I feel like he is my soulmate, but other times, I feel that he's a disease for me. There are too many strong feelings, and all at once.

I think its both. The disease part of it is the obsession. The tender part is the love.

You did a great job thinking through this today. You sound a little less confused to me. Keep writing down your thoughts and feelings here, crubbed. At least you're not alone with them that way.

 

[crubbed]

Thank you for your kind words, guys. I'm sure you know how much I appreciate them, and how helpful they are.

Riverrick - I'm glad your second story turned out fine. I really admire you for your strenght to cut all the ties you had with your gay friend. I whish I could find that same strenght one day as well!

I haven't heard from Sacha in about one week (through I dream of him every freaking night). I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy either, so it's cool. I just hope he's not having too much fun without me... especially with that chick! I'll have to contact him in the end of September... to borrow our room's keys. And then on October I'll leave for college. He'll reach me later. I hope I won't miss him, and I hope it won't be too painful to see him again to get the keys. I seem to fall more madly in love with him anytime I see him. But I'll keep you posted: it's wonderful to be able to talk about this with someone! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

 

[crubbed]

Yesterday, two female friends of mine met Sacha... they asked him about his love life, and he told me the same thing he told me -- that there's basically this girl who he has past with, and he's just confused, and, wowza!, he can't wait to leave for college to be far from her. Well, part of me wants to think he can't wait to leave for college just to be nearer to me! LOL
(and one of those bitches even told him to 'fight for love'! Shut up, witch!)

I am SO GLAD that in these days he hasn't done anything with that girl. He's such a loser with girls, thank God. I'm really relieved.

Today, or tomorrow, we should meet so that he gives me the keys of our new room. I'm so excited to see him, I'm sure he'll be more handsome than ever. I miss him. I always dream of me.

Anyway, I booked a session with a shrienk for Friday. Let's see what she has to tell me.