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Oh, those straight best friends!

You need some really good counseling and a really good network of friends. Everything that happened wasn't healthy to begin with.
 
I went back and reread this whole thread again. You're right. You don't just need a therapist. You need a PSYCHIATRIST. You need someone who can evaluate you to determine if you need medication (if you're not on any now).

I say this completely without judgment, and in total care for you, crubbed: you are mentally ill. I really believe that if your therapist doesn't see the full picture, it's because you have not let her see it. Your "friendship" with this guy was never a friendship--you began it by lying to him, manipulating him, playing games with him, and then you sexually assaulted him. You admitted you were obsessed with him, and you even admitted to wanting to rape him. You say you loved him, but love isn't being happy when the other person is miserable. Friendship isn't about envy and manipulations.

I don't know what else might have happened to you to get you here, but you said you are a victim of molestation yourself. That act is almost certainly responsible for your having violated him physically. And if you don't get your behavior and thinking under control, you will be compelled to do it again. That's how it works.

You sound like a decent person is in there somewhere, wanting to get out. In order for that to happen, you have got to commit to ongoing, extensive psychiatric treatment. That means no lying, no manipulating...you have to be brutally honest with your doctor. Find someone who specializes in sexual issues by asking if they do so. You need someone who is not only familiar with LGBT issues, but also issues surrounding sexual abuse survivors.

You also need to start focusing on what you have to be thankful for. You should be thankful for what you've learned about yourself from this guy--while what you have learned might have been really ugly, at least now you know yourself better, and you can begin to rewrite who you need to be. Also, be thankful you got off so easily by just losing a friend--he could have beaten the shit out of you, had you arrested, or told everyone you know you're a sick sexual predator. If he did not do these things and just wants you out, then that says a lot about you--you must have something good going for you in the way of personality.

Don't take what I've said here lightly. Don't turn your hatred and fury inward and hurt yourself. Commit to real, long-term psychiatric help, if you haven't already. You did not get this way over night. You were a victim earlier in your life--be a survivor now.

Good luck.
 
Hey, there...

I'm totally depressed. I am sleeping the whole day, can't shave... I think about him over and over. About the days he let me hear his music,,, when we joked together. it was fantastic. This whole thing is turning bigger than me. I'm sorry if I depress you too... not my intention... it's just that you're the only ones I can really talk with...
 
Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I'm not depressed by your tale and I doubt if most others are either.

Depression is extremely personal. You made some bad judgements and have put in enough time of regret.

I also agree your meds aren't apparently working and you need to find a really good therapist and stick with them.
 
One of my biggest faults is that, when friends tell me their problems, I think they're looking for advice or solutions. So when I hear about what's going on, I'll suggest this and that. Finally, one day, one of my friends said, "Lex, for God's sake, I don't want this problem SOLVED! I want this problem LISTENED TO!"

I have a feeling you're in this same situation. Every time you fronted your current problem, you were given a lot of worthwhile advice...none of which you took. So apparently you don't want advice. You want a set of ears (or eyes, in this case). Henceforth, I'll confine myself to simply saying, "I've read your latest post. God, that really sucks. Sorry, man."

Lex
 
I'm here to vent with people that probably have lived a similar experience, so may have pretty useful things to tell me. Any sort of advice is well accepted. In fact, on Wednesday I'm going back to a therapist. But they are always and only advices, they're not orders, so I'll decide wether to follow them or not. Lex, you sound like if you tell me something, I must obey like it's the bible. Maybe your friend got tired because you were anxious for him/her to listen to you. I have appreciated anything that has been said to me, really.
 
>>>Lex, you sound like if you tell me something, I must obey like it's the bible.

I do have a problem with people not taking my advice. Something I'm working through. Thank you for helping me with this.

Lex
 
The whole basis of your relationship seems to be flawed based on what you say in the first few lines.

You said you knew you would hate him... and lied frequently to make yourself appear "cool." Is it possible that its you jealously feeding off him like a parasite? You said it makes you happy at his misfortune. Like as if, you have cultivated your masterpiece and like a puppet master, you enjoy pulling the strings... so is the obsession "love?" I highly doubt it.
 
I don't mean that in any negativity.. but as soon as you figure the base of your problems you can work to overcome them. I sincerely wish you the best of luck, hang in there!
 
boy0boy said:
You said you knew you would hate him... and lied frequently to make yourself appear "cool." Is it possible that its you jealously feeding off him like a parasite? You said it makes you happy at his misfortune. Like as if, you have cultivated your masterpiece and like a puppet master, you enjoy pulling the strings... so is the obsession "love?" I highly doubt it.
Click to expand...

Hi, boy...
I kinda think I want his life. He's handsome: every chick just dies for him. He dresses so well, and has expensive clothes. His family is beautiful: he's got great parents and grandparents. He has tons of friends. Sure I envy him, but that's not really the point. I know TONS of handsome guys who have a great family, dress well, etc etc.
Maybe the point is that this guy actually LOOKED at me... while the others always snob me, maybe because they think I'm gay.
He was wonderful.
And, yes, I liked to pull the strings. I liked to be in control of the situation. I liked to manipulate his life, and decide for him who he had to hang out with and whom not. I was a control freak - and I think that maybe that was dictated by the fact that I'm gay and I always tend to control the situation in order not to be discovered.

The worst part is: I'm not really sorry for what I did. I'm sorry that I was busted.
If I went back in time... I would do the very same things. Only I would be smarter to not be busted.

And I also think that a part of me... WANTED to get busted. A part of me purposedly sent him messages that I loved him, because I was curious in his reaction.
I played with fucking fire.

Now I have a new problem. When I picked up my things from our old apt, I found a jacket. It was HIS jacket. Unfortunately it doesn't even have his wonderful smell, otherwise I would keep it. I absolutely have to give it back to him. But I know that if I meet him, I'll go in depression mode even more deeply. But, on the other hand, I DO WANT to meet him. I do want to see him again, ask him what he thinks about me, this and that. I think a part of me WANTS that drama. I think I'm like those drama queen, you know? The ones you see on soap operas. Constantly in the mid of a tragedy.

When I think of him, I still think of him like the love of my life. But you know what? The other day I chatted with an handsome guy... very mysterious, very handsome, and also gay. He's out, but nobody seems to care. He seems very manly. Well, I interacted with him, and, you know what, when I masturbated thinking of him, I felt the same "love" I felt for Sascha. When I came, I moaned 'yeah, Nick (his name), I love you so much'. And in that fucking moment I really did. So maybe it's not a matter of this guy, and how special he was. It's me, and my eyes seeing him that way, because he was 'the only guy'.

I don't know what to think anymore.
 
^This story throws up some red flags for the new guy. At this point, crubbed, I really hope you get some serious help, not for your sake, but for the sake of anyone you ever find yourself attracted to again. The fact that you have absolutely no remorse for what you did, and would do it again, makes you sound like a real stalking predator in the making. If you ever go from amateur to pro, you're really going to hurt someone.
 
I'm not even sure what to say here. crubbed it's quite obvious from everything you've posted that you are in a very fragile mental state at present. I think you seriously should consider getting some professional help. I second the recommendation to see a psychiatrist. Unlike a therapist, a psychiatrist is an MD and is the person best qualified to treat clinical depression.
 
yeah, I went to a shrink on Wednesday, but that only made me more nervous.

She said I'm not really depressed, and blah, blah, it's a mask that I have created and blah blah blah. She asked me what my purpose is in feeling guilty, why I'm depressed at all.
WHAT THE FUCK!
I FUCKING AM DEPRESSED, and I'm feeling fucking guilty because I AM GUILTY!
Now if I didn't feel guilty, she'd ask me 'Why, oh why can't you feel some guiltiness?'.

My God, I'M SO DONE WITH THESE PEOPLE!
Noone wants to aknowledge that I'm fucking depressed! That I'm a bomb ready to explode! Everybody wants to decry my own situation, except you, my JUB friends, and I can't stand it. I really stop breathing when I think of what I have lost, and everybody wants me to act like nothing happened.
 
My very first one.
I went to 4 shrinks:
1) Lucy
2) M. (autumn)
3) Doc C. (spring)
4) Ines (this summer)

Of all four, the last 3 were awful. Now, Lucy was the most human of all. But, I don't know... I probably need a male gay shrink, what do you say.

I'm sorry for my previous post... I was so enraged. My mood keeps changing, I don't know...
 
I did suggest you track down a psychiatrist/therapist that specializes in gay issues. I'll suggest it again.

Lex
 
It's not easy from where I live...

little town, everybody knows everybody, there's not much of anything...

you know...
 
crubbed said:
It's not easy from where I live...

little town, everybody knows everybody, there's not much of anything...

you know...
Click to expand...

A regular medical doctor can prescribe you medication if you tell him or her what is happening to your emotions. However, too many people want to medicate their depression without addressing the issues they are also facing. If medication is part of the answer, then talk therapy is also.

You also need to be in touch enough with your emotions to know if you are in jeopardy of hurting yourself or someone else, or if your depression/anger is making it to where you can't function daily. If that is/becomes the case, you might need to consider some in-patient care. In-patient care does not mean one is crazy--it just means that sometimes a person needs to retreat to a place that is safe and where the focus is completely on getting better, as opposed to just getting by.

And yes, in this case, I think a male therapist is a very good idea.
 
Hmm it's obvious there are some issues and hopefully us random strangers have given you some food for thought.

I just can't help but somewhat agree with what you said the shrink said. It seems like you really do dwell on things in a conscious state, which you've probably told yourself so many times you start believing it yourself... make any sense?

Like a pathological liar you have blurred reality with what you want to be real. You did say you were like those 'drama' people with all these problems. Is that because you genuinely have drama, or you create it so that you can say "I'm like those people with drama?"
 
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