Old music teacher..... help!

[Adam2299]

(First of all, it's kind of ironic that this is happening to me, considering I posted a topic about an older teacher having a relationship with his student a while ago)... but anyhow.... this is what's happening:

I took piano lessons (or was forced to take them) for about 7 years from a very nice man who is now in his late 30s; he's either 38 or 39, I can't remember. I stopped taking lessons from him when I was 16 and I'm now 21. Well anyway, I've been home from college for the past couple weeks because we're on winter break, and I ended up running into him at the gym about a week ago. There wasn't anything odd about this, as I've occasionally seen him in random places around town the past few years (kinda small town I guess). Anyhow, this time we ended up talking for almost an hour and updating each other on our current lives and generally catching up. He's apparently a professor now at a nearby university in the music department and is generally doing well, so I was very happy for him; he's happy I'm doing well in school and everything... he jokingly scolded me for not practicing piano anymore... all very light-hearted and friendly conversation... you get the idea.

So this is the part where it gets sort of weird...

As we were walking out of the gym he asked for my phone number and said we should go get coffee b/c he missed talking to me. He called me a few days later and we ended up talking at the coffee shop for almost 3 hours. The conversation was pleasant the whole time and not awkward whatsoever. He's a very good conversationalist and very interesting/funny person, so it was a lot of fun. I found myself missing him too and his passion for music. As we were about to leave he VERY casually mentions that he's about to get a divorce from his wife of 13 years. I tell him I'm so sorry to hear that, but he acts like they're both completely fine with it and have already come to terms with their separation. THEN he says to me "you know, you're a very good looking guy," to which I simply laugh... mostly b/c I was in pure and utter shock that he would ever say something like that to me... I had no idea how to respond. Then as we were saying goodbye to each other he gave me a hug (very weird for him) and then KISSED me on the cheek (INSANELY weird for him) and then sort of made eye contact with me and smiled....

So the next day (yesterday) he called me and asked me to come over, just to hang out. At this point my mind is running rampant because I never ONCE suspected this man was even CLOSE to being gay... so I say "what the hell" and ended up going over to his house that afternoon. Well the next thing I know, we're sitting on his couch and he plants a kiss right on my lips and we sort of make out kind of awkwardly for 10 minutes or so before I stopped him and asked him (in more words or less) "are you seriously gay?" And again, everything was light-hearted b/c we're so comfortable with each other... but it was all very surreal. Anyway, he said he's been thinking about me a lot lately and he's only recently come to terms with the fact that he's gay and so forth, which is why he's divorcing his wife.... But everything felt very weird to me... the fact that he knew me when I was 8... it's just kind of creepy... or is it? Nevertheless, I told him I needed to go but i would call him later b/c I had some thinking to do...

For some reason there's an ongoing theme in my life right now of age and how it plays a part in relationships. I just got out of a semi-serious relationship with an older man that ended horribly. And honestly, I really do think it's sort of creepy to have a sexual relationship with someone who used to be an authoritative figure to me since age 8...then again, people have told me I'm too much of a rule-follower.... so I guess I'm wondering if I should jump into a relationship with this guy... what do you guys think?

The other part of it is the fact that he's never been with a guy before!!! It's kind of odd that I would be someone's first who is twice as older than me.... isn't it?

 

[GL]

It sounds like you're already apprehensive about the age difference and his previous situation with you. I'd leave it on a friendly basis.

 

[recuerdeme]

You never should "jump" into a relaionship. But if you like the guy and if you are attracted to him I don't see the problem with dating. Casual stuff.

Small things can lead to big things.

 

[SFMusic]

Your "old" music teacher needs you as a friend more than he needs you as a BF. Who knows what may develop in the future, but for right now both of you need to get out and meet more men.

 

[RicanDAB]

I can understand your apprehension with getting involved with someone with whom you shared a non-sexual authoritative relationship, especially when you were a minor. It makes you kinda wonder whether he was eyeing you back then, but you also have to respect the fact that he did not ever go there with you at that time. Thinking about it, wow ... if my high school health education teacher ever approached me now like that ... [assuming if I was single of course ]

He's in a very precarious situation right now - a very big life change and I think you're too young to appreciate and get involved with this. If you truly are interested in this guy on some level, I would suggest taking things S L O W L Y (friends more than anything). If he cannot understand that, too bad for him and you continue forward elsewhere. You also have to decide whether getting involved with someone older than you is a good idea. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not. I am about the same age as this guy, and I know that I prefer not to get involved with someone as young as you. He's just coming to terms with himself and he has to evolve. Inevitably, you're gonna be a part of all that if you get involved with him so evaluate if you're willing to undertake this as well.

 

[Just_Believe18]

lol, Adam. You have the most unusual luck with the men and boys who come into your life.

 

[Eagle653]

Are you home for just a few weeks while on winter break? How would that work once you go back to school?

Something inside you is putting the breaks on. It's seem hard to define, but I'd listen to it. Your instincts are holding you back for a reason. Respect that, or at least let it give you pause.

On a side note--the guy is coming out, somewhat later than many do. He took a huge risk coming on to you, and is probably not used to doing that, either. He probably didn't do it as gracefully as he might have, but you sound like a nice and sensitive guy who, if you decide not to get in a relationship with him, will handle it well and protect his feelings, too.

If you do decide to go for it, good luck there, too. The age differences are something very personal and only you two can decide what's right for you. As for the "authority figure" aspect--that fades, fast. Many people get involved who have those prior relationships and, once you have experience as a couple, the other past-live becomes less important. If anything, folks tend to laugh about it later and point it out as a conversation topic.

Good luck! Let us know how you're doing and what you decide to do.

 

[ladygrey]

Hmmmmm......

good advice from everyone. It sounds, I don't know.....odd.

I've taught lots of students and I could never imagine kissing one of them, no matter how old they were. (And some have been very, very hot (I'm not talking about my j/ks, you prevs!))

So it's odd. And yah, I'd be concerned. He's just recently come out, he's on the rebound, and hey, he was your paino teacher? If its a small town, him creating a musical masterpiece in your ass will be hot gossip. Are you sure you want that reputation or that he can handle it?

What if ex-his wife finds out?

DRAMA.

So buyer beware, hon.

 

[luminum]

I don't think he was seriously considering you like you were the person who kept him up at night. Like said before, he probably came to terms with his sexuality and then bumped into you. So that ebign said, there's probably not too much trouble from stepping back from his advances.

Also, you've said it several times that it weirded you out and that you aren;t comfortable with your relationship with him being as it's been and that you're not comfortable with dating a much older guy. That's something that's completely your preference.

And being so, if you're very opposed to it...simply don't do it, then. Tell him that you're not interested because you don't feel comfortable dating older men and that the past you two share makes things irreconcileably awkward for you.

But if you find that you like him and you don't find it very awkward, then take a stab in the dark with it. Slowly get to know one another again. Then see if you want to be in a relationship with him and importantly, see if that's really what he wants with you.

 

[billybob109]

I would not even know what to do in that sitch, i would let him blow me and then bounce

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Well the next thing I know, we're sitting on his couch and he plants a kiss right on my lips and we sort of make out kind of awkwardly for 10 minutes or so before I stopped him and asked him (in more words or less) "are you seriously gay?"

This is genuinely a classic. I positively love those lines. I'll be going through the day and this scene will be playing out. Very sweet.

---
First, do not ever jump into anything that involves any kind of human relationships. Jumping into anything of the kind is usually a royal way into superflous drama, in the very least.

Let friendships and relationships grow and develop on their own, and in their own time. At some point, you'll know, if you are ready to carry on or would you rather end them one way or the other.

Second, take it easy on your committments. You are a college student. You have got a life ahead of you, and there is no way you can now know, if your ole' music teacher is the right guy for you. If you like him, and if you feel like spending time with him, start dating. That's what's dating for: to establish if there is synergy and compatibility, among other things. If all is fine, you'll know where to go.

Last but not least: you want to learn something about yourself, too. This guy is a whole generation older than yourself. You want to think twice about this, and decide, if the guys that much older than yourself actually do it for you or not? Only you can know that.

And you ought to be honest & fair enough to tell the guy in front of you, how the cookie crumbles in your case.

SC

 

[Reprobate]

(First of all, it's kind of ironic that this is happening to me, considering I posted a topic about an older teacher having a relationship with his student a while ago)... but anyhow.... this is what's happening:

I took piano lessons (or was forced to take them) for about 7 years from a very nice man who is now in his late 30s; he's either 38 or 39, I can't remember. I stopped taking lessons from him when I was 16 and I'm now 21. Well anyway, I've been home from college for the past couple weeks because we're on winter break, and I ended up running into him at the gym about a week ago. There wasn't anything odd about this, as I've occasionally seen him in random places around town the past few years (kinda small town I guess). Anyhow, this time we ended up talking for almost an hour and updating each other on our current lives and generally catching up. He's apparently a professor now at a nearby university in the music department and is generally doing well, so I was very happy for him; he's happy I'm doing well in school and everything... he jokingly scolded me for not practicing piano anymore... all very light-hearted and friendly conversation... you get the idea.

So this is the part where it gets sort of weird...

As we were walking out of the gym he asked for my phone number and said we should go get coffee b/c he missed talking to me. He called me a few days later and we ended up talking at the coffee shop for almost 3 hours. The conversation was pleasant the whole time and not awkward whatsoever. He's a very good conversationalist and very interesting/funny person, so it was a lot of fun. I found myself missing him too and his passion for music. As we were about to leave he VERY casually mentions that he's about to get a divorce from his wife of 13 years. I tell him I'm so sorry to hear that, but he acts like they're both completely fine with it and have already come to terms with their separation. THEN he says to me "you know, you're a very good looking guy," to which I simply laugh... mostly b/c I was in pure and utter shock that he would ever say something like that to me... I had no idea how to respond. Then as we were saying goodbye to each other he gave me a hug (very weird for him) and then KISSED me on the cheek (INSANELY weird for him) and then sort of made eye contact with me and smiled....

So the next day (yesterday) he called me and asked me to come over, just to hang out. At this point my mind is running rampant because I never ONCE suspected this man was even CLOSE to being gay... so I say "what the hell" and ended up going over to his house that afternoon. Well the next thing I know, we're sitting on his couch and he plants a kiss right on my lips and we sort of make out kind of awkwardly for 10 minutes or so before I stopped him and asked him (in more words or less) "are you seriously gay?" And again, everything was light-hearted b/c we're so comfortable with each other... but it was all very surreal. Anyway, he said he's been thinking about me a lot lately and he's only recently come to terms with the fact that he's gay and so forth, which is why he's divorcing his wife.... But everything felt very weird to me... the fact that he knew me when I was 8... it's just kind of creepy... or is it? Nevertheless, I told him I needed to go but i would call him later b/c I had some thinking to do...

For some reason there's an ongoing theme in my life right now of age and how it plays a part in relationships. I just got out of a semi-serious relationship with an older man that ended horribly. And honestly, I really do think it's sort of creepy to have a sexual relationship with someone who used to be an authoritative figure to me since age 8...then again, people have told me I'm too much of a rule-follower.... so I guess I'm wondering if I should jump into a relationship with this guy... what do you guys think?

The other part of it is the fact that he's never been with a guy before!!! It's kind of odd that I would be someone's first who is twice as older than me.... isn't it?

The guy never once gave you any indication of his sexuality while you were a minor. He doesn't sound predatory to me, in fact it sounds like it is awkward and scary for him. That said I would never get into an LTR with anyone off the rebound.

 

[NickCole]

You're 21, just out of a relationship that "ended horribly," home from school on winter break ... he's in his late 30s, just divorced, just coming out and never had sex with a guy?

Um. Hello?

Have a fling with him if you feel like it but you can't seriously think this could be the way a healthy relationship begins?!

I've been reading (and responding to a few of) your posts in recent weeks. And in case you might like to know ... all these things are not just happening to you. You are involved in making them happen.

 

[Adam2299]

I've been reading (and responding to a few of) your posts in recent weeks. And in case you might like to know ... all these things are not just happening to you. You are involved in making them happen.

Yea, I think part of the problem is the fact that I'm the kind of person who HAS to be in a relationship and I have a really hard time saying "no" to people, especially guys. I'm also sort of impulsive and I need excitement in my life (i don't know if that has anything to do with it), but what I'm basically saying is that I agree with you; maybe the problem is ME and not them. I'm not so ignorant as to deny this fact, and I'm willing to recognize that and work on changing whatever I need to change to better my situation. At least I think carefully about my decisions.. right?

 

[NickCole]

Yea, I think part of the problem is the fact that I'm the kind of person who HAS to be in a relationship

But according to you, guys come on to you and pursue you all the time. It's not like you're desperate and got stuck in a relationship because it's the only thing that came along. You're making the choices that lead to the relationships you're in.

If you want to be in a relationship with the music teacher then by all means do it. But you seem to believe you're a victim of circumstance. What I'm saying is that's not how it looks to me. From your descriptions, you allow these situations to develop, and likely as not you encourage them. I doubt, from the way you describe him and the way the situation has advanced, that the music teacher would have kissed you and made out with you if you hadn't given him signals that told him, "okay." And since this is a repetition of something similiar fairly recently, you might be not only passively accepting it but actively encouraging it.

If you're getting what you want and he's getting what he wants, that's fine. But if you don't want to be in relationships like this, situations like this, then don't walk down the road that leads there. As someone else in this thread has pointed out, you're in the power position here. You didn't have to go to his house (he gave you plenty of clues where this was leading, for him), you could have met in public; but even at his house, you didn't have to sit next to him on the sofa and be in a position where he could kiss you (as I said, you had an idea before walking into his house what he was thinking about you), and when he kissed you you didn't have to make out with him for ten mintues, you could have said no that's not what I want. Your actions not only allowed him to move forward each step, your actions encouraged him.

and I have a really hard time saying "no" to people, especially guys.

I don't know you so I don't know what that's about but I can tell you what's probably behind it is fear. Fear of disappointing or fear of judgement or fear of confrontation, fear of rejection ... etc.

It could also be that you want this kind of attention from this kind of source due to conflict within yourself. Sometimes when people say yes to something they don't want it's because they're trying to recreate a situation that once brought them comfort or a feeling of safety, or that they fantasized would bring them comfort, or that they were taught through unhealthy early relationships to seek. That rooted-in-personal-history possibility is something else to look at if you're attracting a lot of people but finding yourself choosing situations that are, in your own mind, questionable.

I'm also sort of impulsive and I need excitement in my life (i don't know if that has anything to do with it),

Probably does have something to do with it. I know, for myself, I grew up in a family with a lot of drama, couldn't wait to move as far away as I could and have calm in my life. And what did I do? I created drama in my life. I re-created what was familiar to me, what I was taught to feel comfortable around. But there's different kinds of excitement and we can have excitement that doesn't result in confusion and unhappiness.

As adults we're responsible for being where we are. If I'm beat every day by my husband, that's MY responsibility because I'm not walking away from it. Sure he's beating me and he's responsible for throwing the punches. But I'm responsible for being there to receive them.

but what I'm basically saying is that I agree with you; maybe the problem is ME and not them.

If you have something in your life that you don't want, and you have lots of options as you say you do, then yes continuing to be in relationships that are trouble for you is a problem you're responsible for. Having a hard time saying no doesn't mean it stops being your responsibility to say no if no is what you want. If you want to make out with a 38 year old who's just divorced and just out of the closet, who used to be your music teacher, then have at it. If you want to spend the night with him, if you want to be sexual with him, if you want to be in a relationship with him -- it's all good if it's what you both want. But recognize that it's happening because you want it to happen. You're not at the mercy of your own life, you're controlling these events even if you're unaware that you're doing so.

Adam, as an adult you have a responsibility to yourself and to others to know what you want and then go after it while rejecting offers that would provide something you don't want. A lot of people have a difficult time with that, that's the reason they're dissatisfied with their lives even though they have the potential to be satisfied.

I'm not so ignorant as to deny this fact, and I'm willing to recognize that and work on changing whatever I need to change to better my situation. At least I think carefully about my decisions.. right?

That's the best any of us can do.

You're very young and you have tons of potential. What you will end up being, what your life will end up being is a result of your decisions. Use your gifts to bring into your life, and keep in your life, people and situations that make you bigger, better, fuller, satisfied.

 

[kurtwild]

if you want him just go for him.

 

[NickCole]

if you want him just go for him.

I love a man of few words!

 

[CoolBlue71]

Adam2299,

This guy may fancy you as that special someone who could initiate him into being sexual with a member of the same gender.

It sounds like he finds you attractive, gentle, and considerate.

If you're too scared -- you already have your answer.

I think the only other consideration would be to have sex together as consensual adults -- knowing there's to be no relationship; just two people fucking. If that's okay -- no problem. But if not -- problem.

I think you answered your own question, really; but I wanted to put it out there that maybe this guy isn't looking for a relationship, neither.

 

[Alberto_15]

Sounds exciting and kind of cute... you guys are not moving in together, just see where it all leads, don't stress

 

[Soilwork]

As long as you realize that this is him rebounding and exploding out of the closet and it's just going to be sex and nothing more...

I don't see the big deal.

It's not like he was your parole officer or your Dad's best friend of your foster parent or your priest.. he was your freaking piano teacher.