Older/Younger Relationships

[loveolder18]

Hey Guys,

Well I find myself in a situation that I've never really been in before and would appreciate any advice you may have. So here goes...

I've recently meet an older guy from silverdaddies.com which I'm sure some of you will know and use yourself. When I first came across his profile I was only really looking for a bit of fun with a good looking older man, I thought he was extremely handsome and he too was only looking for fun, so I messaged him and we meet up after a little while. The thing is I know his seeing other guys which didn't bother me because I was intending to see other guys myself anyway.. like I say it was just fun.

Now heres the problem, I've really fallen for this guy and would love to start a serious, monogamous relationship but I'm almost certain his not interested in that. I did go to meet another guy for a drink and a chat, later on he wanted me to go back to his place but the whole time we were out I was just thinking of the first guy and it seems nobody else is of interest to me.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm sure if I said I'd like a relationship so early on he would probably just get scared of. If I just keep a casual relationship going these feelings may get stronger and I'll end up getting more hurt.

Help me out please guys, I'm to confused!

 

[gdude30]

Hey Guys,

Well I find myself in a situation that I've never really been in before and would appreciate any advice you may have. So here goes...

I've recently meet an older guy from silverdaddies.com which I'm sure some of you will know and use yourself. When I first came across his profile I was only really looking for a bit of fun with a good looking older man, I thought he was extremely handsome and he too was only looking for fun, so I messaged him and we meet up after a little while. The thing is I know his seeing other guys which didn't bother me because I was intending to see other guys myself anyway.. like I say it was just fun.

Now heres the problem, I've really fallen for this guy and would love to start a serious, monogamous relationship but I'm almost certain his not interested in that. I did go to meet another guy for a drink and a chat, later on he wanted me to go back to his place but the whole time we were out I was just thinking of the first guy and it seems nobody else is of interest to me.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm sure if I said I'd like a relationship so early on he would probably just get scared of. If I just keep a casual relationship going these feelings may get stronger and I'll end up getting more hurt.

Help me out please guys, I'm to confused!

First off I'm quite curious how old you are. I'll assume 18 because it's in you're profile. Second, you are really too young for a relationship. But before that can even really be said you need to ask yourself "why" you want a relationship. I say this because it's WAYYY too common that younger men view monogamous relationships or love as not only ideal but a must. That you MUST find someone or be with someone to be happy. And that is mainly the problem.

Second, you need to realize or learn that some people just want sex. Gay men are very promiscious. Now I'll address a very good point I made. About you realizing he only wants sex or to date other men and you are okay with and want to do it yourself.

You want to do it yourself but are unable to because of the feelings you have towards the first man. This is so very common not just for dating but either other situations. Even clubs or social places. You see or experience something with the first guy and than everything else because meaningless. Until you get over the guy you won't really be able to date or talk to other guys.

You are smart for realizing "Let's get married" isn't the right thing to say on the first dates. I bet some people really would say it. However, it's always a good thing to know a guy's intentions. You don't have to ask them fifty questions but maybe something like.

In my opinion I really think you should have stated what you were looking for up front as should he. However, people can change, evolve, and develop feelings for others. I say unless you have some really strong feeling he only wants to date and fux men or just casual date keep the friendship/relationship you have.

Yes you might get hurt. Yes you might fall madly in love with him and he might not want a relationship with you. But isn't that the point of life? To fall sometimes and say, "FUCK SHIT DAMN ASS PISS" and than shake it off and grow a little bit from the experience and know more of what to do or not what to do next time?

I have been in this situation before. I've done the stupid think and wanted to do a relationship immediately. It is so much better to wait and see what develops either good or bad. Anyways hope I helped. And silverdaddies is a great site. I've had lots of fun in the past thanks to that site. Most of the guys on there mean what they say in their profile. Nothing like the flakes on manhunt and other sites. But than again I'm sure it varies from area to area.

 

[bike10]

Love this kind of realtionship. Youth is seeing a teacher of man to man experience and mature man knows how to teach and instruct.

 

[HornyHenry]

The man who "brought me out" explained the difference between love and infatuation. To a young man they both elicit the same feelings but as they say, familiarity breeds contempt. Infatuation lasts a short while but as two people get used to each other and like each other then it's more love than infatuation. Only time will tell.
I myself wasnt ready to settle down with one guy until my mid 20's.
None of my relationships with guys my own age lasted very long but the ones with men a decade or more older lasted much longer.

 

[thisisinteresting]

I have been in this situation before. I've done the stupid think and wanted to do a relationship immediately. It is so much better to wait and see what develops either good or bad.

Great advice. Overall, really, but I wanted to emphasize that. You are heading towards infatuation - IMO when you don't really even know the person but you want a relationship, it's bad news and you should slow down. Face it, you don't really know this person. He is attractive and perhaps you guys have good sexual chemistry. That's about as far as it can go at this point.

Whatever you choose to do, you NEED to address this issue. You need to do some deep, intrinsic thought about the situation - don't try to just stifle these feelings and ignore your infatuation/crush. If you do so things will get immensely worse. Be honest with him one way or another - that you possibly need back off from the situation and collect yourself, because you are developing a crush on him, and he is probably not looking for that right now. Especially likely if you are 18. That's... a lot to be put on his plate.

When I was 18 I hooked up with an older guy, the chemistry was great and I fell for him really quickly just like this situation. I thought I wanted a relationship more than anything, but I kind of ignored the feelings and just kept hooking up with him. The feelings got too strong, and I had to come forth with them... I eventually convinced him to stop hooking up with this other fuckbuddy/casual relationship he had, and started dating him.

Honestly, we didn't have much in common. I was insecure at that age and so excited that a guy I found attractive was into me so I latched on. We lasted about 3 years, although the last .5-1 year was kinda strange for me. I realized I had rushed into the relationship for all the wrong reasons.

It was my first relationship and ending it with him was the hardest thing I've ever had to done. It's STILL the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Never had an ex before - I want to still be friends but my fucking god is it awkward. Like, I thought I could imagine, from friends' tales... but no, you can never imagine. He's still hopelessly in love with me and because I care for him it's extremely difficult for me to deal with. It feels like he's never going to move on, but I've learned to forgive myself because honestly that's his issue, I should not be stressing myself out over it. Still though, I hate to see someone I care about a lot stuck in such a shitty place because of my haste to rush into the relationship I thought I wanted.

So... be careful. From someone who still hasn't quite built up from the crumbled remains that started exactly where you are at.

 

[altlover85]

Now heres the problem, I've really fallen for this guy and would love to start a serious, monogamous relationship but I'm almost certain his not interested in that. I did go to meet another guy for a drink and a chat, later on he wanted me to go back to his place but the whole time we were out I was just thinking of the first guy and it seems nobody else is of interest to me.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm sure if I said I'd like a relationship so early on he would probably just get scared of. If I just keep a casual relationship going these feelings may get stronger and I'll end up getting more hurt.

Help me out please guys, I'm to confused!

What is it about him that you like? What do you know about him? What do you want out of a relationship?

It's all well and good to say you want a relationship, but unless you really know what goes into it (it isn't always going to be flowers and giggles) you don't know that you want a relationship. You have to be mature enough to be able to do a self-evaluation about what you want and really think about it and tap into your emotions as well.

If, after you've done some objective self-evaluation, you still want to be with this guy then tell him that. There's no point in getting more infatuated if this is going no where on the relationship front so you may as well put your cards on the table and see what happens.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

 

[loveolder18]

Thanks for all the advice guys! I'm going to do like a few of you've suggested and just step back from the situation for a while and see where it goes.

If it doesn't go the way I want it to - and with this being reality I doubt it will! - I'll at least have some good memories and hopefully a good friendship regardless of what happens. Still for the mean time I'll keep a little bit of hope but try my best to make sure I don't become too attached.

 

[Críostóir]

Not all us old men want to be daddies, teachers or mentors.

Guys who sign up for SilverDaddies, however, generally at least want to be daddies. The silver kind.

 

[mbamike]

Just simply ask him if he wants to go exclusive. I would not mention anything about having a relationship at this point. Then go from there once you have been together for a short while.

 

[dkonez]

Well, honestly speaking, from my point of view, I think if that guy is REALLY into you, he will change and start a serious relationship with you. Some guys like to play around but if they really find the ones they want. They'll stop fooling around and be in a relationship with that one. But from what you've told us, I think you should just move on and forget about him... I know this is hard, well, that's what you'll have to do.

 

[loveolder18]

One quick update guys.. Basically I saw him again today and as we were talking I just casually asked about any previous relationships etc. Then from what he said I asked so are you done with relationships for a while then.. ''Yes, I think so'' is the answer I got.

Suprisingly I was completely fine with hearing that. I'm loving how things are at the moment and I realised rushing into a relationship is more likely to worsen the situation rather than improve it. If there comes a point when we both want things to become more than casual, great, but I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to enjoy myself!

Thanks again all for the advice, it did actually really help me work out were I'm at.

 

[Críostóir]

I'm loving how things are at the moment and I realised rushing into a relationship is more likely to worsen the situation rather than improve it. If there comes a point when we both want things to become more than casual, great, but I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to enjoy myself!

That sounds like a very good attitude to maximize your happiness.

I'd make sure you remind yourself of this periodically. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to enjoy myself" on a daily basis. You might catch yourself pushing sometimes. Just take a deep breath and renew your resolve.

 

[tk1986]

Just want to say it's good u taking it easy. Enjoy the time your being with him. rushing just seems to make people annoyed hahaha. Maybe aftr some time he'll ask you if u want a relationship with him .

Just want to say love older men. My BF himself is 52 while i'm 24. Been together for some 6 years now and he still turns me on hahaha. Age difference is no problemo in relationship it's just the way you handle is. We're lucky that we both seem to be easy. He joins me in doing things I like to do and vica versa. We do have our little arguments but who doesnt . I always tell him that we're made for each other.

 

[Críostóir]

Just want to say it's good u taking it easy. Enjoy the time your being with him. rushing just seems to make people annoyed hahaha. Maybe aftr some time he'll ask you if u want a relationship with him .

Just want to say love older men. My BF himself is 52 while i'm 24. Been together for some 6 years now and he still turns me on hahaha. Age difference is no problemo in relationship it's just the way you handle is. We're lucky that we both seem to be easy. He joins me in doing things I like to do and vica versa. We do have our little arguments but who doesnt . I always tell him that we're made for each other.

Mazel Tov! And welcome to JUB!

 

[loveolder18]

Hey Guys,
So it turns out keeping things casual and not getting to attached to this guy are a lot easier said than done. I did just relax and go with things for a while but now its just over a month on and I'm more attached than ever!

We started spending more time together over the weeks, having dinner together, going out to the movies and spending nights together. Would you say that this is still a very casual relationship?

Also I'm thinking about him all the time and tend to feel quite down when we're busy and not able to see eachother. If anybody else has been in this situation I'd like to know what happened and whether things worked out or not. Any general advice would be good too.

Why do things always have to be so complicated!?

 

[gdude30]

Glad that it's still going well loveolder.

This might be a stupid question but do you know how he feels about it? Before you said that he wasn't either looking or done with relationships for a while. I think the first thing you should do is somehow find out his view on the "casual" relationship right now and if it's going well, bad, or just fine the way it is. The only tricky part is finding the right way to ask or find out. That's all I can think of.

 

[thisisinteresting]

Any general advice would be good too.

Give yourself some space from him. You're setting yourself up for disaster. Especially if you haven't communicated your feelings that are growing.

 

[loveolder18]

That's the main problem Gdude, if I just came out and asked all the things I wanted to I could find out where I stand, know one way or the other and deal with the outcome. However, I'm not stupid and know that blurting out all your thoughts to somebody is very likely to scare them off. So now I'm assuming that he likes things the way they are (as he said before) but keep getting this little bit of optimism coming back which makes me think maybe his feelings have changed too.

Anyway, I know you guys are probably sick of me keep coming back to this thread but it's a good way to vent and get things of your chest which helps a lot. So thanks for the advice again!

 

[gdude30]

It's not a problem loveolder.

It's rare that someone updates a situation. At least from what I've seen. And than again I come on here not too frequently.

Well if he likes things the way they are than I guess you can either keep going with that and see if anything grows or changes. Or if it's really upsetting you and you become more obsessed and attached to him than maybe a little break from him. And if that doesn't work the final thing I can think of is to tell him how you feel. But I'd try the other first.

 

[spiderhead]

Just out of curiosity why does a "serious relationship" have to be monogamous? Just playing devil's advocate here. I mean why can't you have a serious open relationship?