Open Relationships

[sammy1989]

Discuss. Im interested in everyones opinion on the topic. Personal experiences stories would be nice. Im having an issue, but before I share a story, Id like to hear experiences.

 

[Seasoned]

In theory it might work for me and my partner but not in reality. It would seem to be easier to do in gay relationships rather than hetero, though, since all of the historic baggage isn't there about what the relationship must look like.

The two guys would have to be on the same page so as to not invite romance with the hook-ups. The hook-ups would need to know so as to pursue a relationship. Jealousy would need to be kept in check. It seems to complicated to me and I keep thinking of potential drama or worse from any of the parties involved.

What worked for my partner and me were incredibly hot role-plays (ask me how I once lost an eyebrow sometime). I've learned not to pontificate about what consenting adults choose to do. I'm sure it can and does work for lots of couples. I know I'd have a difficult time with it.

 

[Rooster]

There are a lot of problems with open relationships, but I've seen them work given two wise criteria.

1. A relationship should never start open. A couple needs to have been together for awhile and both partners need to mutually decide that they want one. Neither partner should have been pressured into it.

2. Neither partner should ever engage in anything sexual with someone else without the other partner present.

Only open relationships that fall within those criteria seem to last.

 

[hylas]

its working out for me. granted, im currently single. but single or in relationships, ive been non-monogamous, happy, well-fucked, and mostly drama-free for years now.

id say the most important things are communication, honesty, respect, sincerity... all things that every healthy relationship needs anyway, open or not...

... and a sincere effort to stay away from unnecessary drama. i think some people subconsciously seek out drama, mistaking its intensity for love.

 

[Echoes]

I've tried open relationships a couple of times but I was sure it wasn't anything serious, so short story, the other guy got madly jealous once and I finished it, the other relationship worked out fairly okay though once it ended for some reason we never talked to each other again, except for a couple of awkward greetings.

 

[wooffy]

There are a lot of problems with open relationships, but I've seen them work given two wise criteria.

....

Only open relationships that fall within those criteria seem to last.

I'm not sure where those "rules" came from, but I think the closing statement is totally false.

Discuss. Im interested in everyones opinion on the topic. Personal experiences stories would be nice. Im having an issue, but before I share a story, Id like to hear experiences.

Sammy1989 - I've posted on this topic several times now - see this thread. Is there something specific you want to know? Feel free to PM me.

 

[TX-Beau]

Without knowing your context, it’s hard to reply. Yes open relationships can work, if you’re both adults.

However, if you’re thinking that an open relationship is going to solve some other fundamental problem with a relationship you’re already having trouble with, you’re probably not looking for an open relationship, you’re probably looking for the door.

My relationship works because we’re both extremely committed to each other – this has nothing to do with sex. It doesn’t bother me if he wants to fuck someone else; because I’m supremely confident that he’s coming home (it probably wouldn’t bother me all that much in any event.) What would bother me is dishonesty.

Yes we have rules, but every relationship has rules, and yes open relationships require a lot more self confidence than monogamous ones, but really, it’s not that different from my point of view.

 

[xKMANx]

My boyfriend of two years is about eight years older than me. We are both well known in the community, and we would both know if either one of us messed around. He's told me from the get go that because I haven't had as much experience as he's had, that I am free to explore my sexuality. But he said that if I did decide to fuck around I should do so very far away so that he never hears of it.

Now we've been in a mongamous relationship since we became official. I have no need to fuck around, and he doesn't either.

However, if he did feel the need to have sex with others I would not have a problem with it. BUT! I would want him to have NSA sex. No bullshit lovey dovey texts, dates, exe. Get on and get off sorta deal.

I've never believed sex with others is cheating, I always feel like if the other person is emotionally involved with another person it's more hurtful than penetration.

Would it work for me? Maybe, possibly down the line. But wont be planning for it anytime soon. We've had sex in front of others, but the comfort we have together would be hard to achieve with someone new. I think we both get off being watched, and watching verse joining.

 

[wooffy]

However, if you’re thinking that an open relationship is going to solve some other fundamental problem with a relationship you’re already having trouble with, you’re probably not looking for an open relationship, you’re probably looking for the door.

I equate that with straight couples deciding to have a baby "to save the marriage". Never a good idea.

Yes we have rules, but every relationship has rules, and yes open relationships require a lot more self confidence than monogamous ones, but really, it’s not that different from my point of view.

Do you feel that, in the long term, it improved your self-confidence?

My experience is similar, except that we are not just non-monogamous, we are polyamorous.

 

[sixthson]

At their very core, open relationships are a lie. They are a lie because the one thing they are not about is relationship. Unless you call being roommates a relationship, that is.

 

[wooffy]

At their very core, open relationships are a lie. They are a lie because the one thing they are not about is relationship. Unless you call being roommates a relationship, that is.

What is it about this subject that makes people feel it is ok to be total assholes?

Celebrating 19 years of our "lie" - good thing we didn't listen to those who get off judging others' relationships.

 

[sixthson]

What is it about this subject that makes people feel it is ok to be total assholes?

Celebrating 19 years of our "lie" - good thing we didn't listen to those who get off judging others' relationships.

The OP asked for our opinions on open relationships. I gave mine. You don't like my opinion yet you project it onto your relationship. Interesting.

 

[altlover85]

The OP asked for our opinions on open relationships. I gave mine. You don't like my opinion yet you project it onto your relationship. Interesting.

If his relationship is not monogamous, then what else could it be besides being open?

 

[Rooster]

What is it about this subject that makes people feel it is ok to be total assholes?

Celebrating 19 years of our "lie" - good thing we didn't listen to those who get off judging others' relationships.

Every person is different. Opinions are based almost entirely on experience. My experience is that open relationships tend to fail unless the partners know each other well, both want it, and are both involved so that their trust and bond for one another is not threatened. There are exceptions to every rule, but for most cases, this is what I have observed. The OP may be an entirely different case but we won't know until he goes into greater detail.

 

[hylas]

what tx is saying makes a lot of sense to me.

sixthson: i think woofer isnt calling you out on having an opinion about open relationships, but on being an asshole about it. its one thing to say "open relationships dont work for me." its another to say "everybody whos having an open relationship is living a lie." how would you know, and who are you judge other peoples love-lifes like that?

 

[sixthson]

what tx is saying makes a lot of sense to me.

sixthson: i think woofer isnt calling you out on having an opinion about open relationships, but on being an asshole about it. its one thing to say "open relationships dont work for me." its another to say "everybody whos having an open relationship is living a lie." how would you know, and who are you judge other peoples love-lifes like that?

You, too, need to go back and read what the OP requested. He asked for everyone's opinion and he didn't request that only favorable opinions be expressed.

Did I make a judgement on open relationships? Yes.
Did I make it with some JUBber in mind? No. So, why should I soft soap it when I responded to the question and not attacked someone personally, like you and he did by calling me an asshole? But then, of course, you guys wouldn't judge anyone else, would you?

I stayed on topic and responded to the OP. If that makes me an asshole, so be it.

 

[hylas]

So, why should I soft soap it

out of respect and consideration for those who live their lives differently without interfering with yours. speaking for myself, thats all im ever asking of anybody, and since its so little, it ticks me off if they fail to give even that little.

as for the op's request, he specifically asks for personal experiences. so why dont you stick to talking about your personal experiences, instead of passing judgement on a whole bunch of strangers?

and for the record, i dont judge people for being monogamous, or for thinking that non-monogamy would never ever work for them. but i do judge them for calling my love a lie without knowing the first thing about me. and dont hide behind "its nothing personal". were all gay here and we all know how little that means.

 

[bankside]

Dan Savage recommended this book about the origins of sexuality:

Sex at Dawn

I'm reading it. So far so good. There appears to be clear evidence that in various times and various places, it is totally natural to enjoy more than one partnership of a sexual nature, fine for the individuals involved, and even healthy and good for society.

Of course the questions are:

• Which society?
• Under what circumstances?
• In what kinds of relationships?

There are a couple of comments from pro-open people that tell me their circumstances definitely would not work for me.

• I have one guy in my life and I want to reach the end of my days at each others' side.
• I would see us "growing apart" not as a change to be celebrated and accepted, but as a failure to be resisted and denounced.
• I'm not interested in becoming, essentially, his room mate while we fuck other people.
• I like the fact that he's the only guy to have been responsible in a hands-on way for my sexual pleasure.

We sound like ideal candidates for monogamy, and so far so good after 12 years.

At the same time, we've always both watched porn, usually separately sometimes together. I don't feel he has betrayed me just because he appreciates or is curious about someone else's sexuality. Nor does my curiosity about other people even remotely touch his place in my life. In fact we both share fantasies of situations which necessarily require more than one other person in the room, but we've never acted on those fantasies, and realistically we probably never will. As he points out, you don't have to actually cross the prairie on horseback, mine for gold, blow up dams and shoot people to enjoy Pale Rider. A fantasy is no less enjoyable if it stays a fantasy.

In principle though, in the right circumstances, with the right people, in the right place at the right time - well, if all those things turned out to be right, then the answer is kind of obvious.

 

[wooffy]

what tx is saying makes a lot of sense to me.

sixthson: i think woofer isnt calling you out on having an opinion about open relationships, but on being an asshole about it. its one thing to say "open relationships dont work for me." its another to say "everybody whos having an open relationship is living a lie." how would you know, and who are you judge other peoples love-lifes like that?

Bingo.

I may be quick to react to this one, since it happens every time the subject comes up.

 

[wooffy]

sammy1989 - if you don't feel safe posting your "issue" here, given the tone of some, PM me (click on my username at left, and send a private message).