Operafan - Archived Blog Posts

[operafan]

I'm at the conference we were supposed both supposed to be going to. You're not there when I come in from my meetings. You aren't there to go to dinner with. You are not there when it is time to cuddle.

You are not here.

Even though my days are very busy right now, I want you to know that I think of you every day. Not every minute like days ago, but whenever I have a minute.

I'm not having our favorite dish while I'm here. I know you were looking forward to going to the restaurant but it's not the same without you. I need to do something different.

 

[operafan]

On the way back to the hotel, I suddenly remembered all the times we secretly held hands in the back of the cab. Didn't want to freak out the driver.

On my way to a group meeting, I passed an oyster shack. I didn't go in.

 

[operafan]

Hey, baby. I’m at the publisher’s event that you loved to go to. The munchies ahead of time was wonderful and I had a wonderful conversation with two attendees and someone who works for the company from Arkansas.

John is doing his standup routine right now. The audience is loving him and I think that he is funnier than usual. I wish you were here to hear him – I think you would be disgusted as usual.

Your granddaughter stopped by my table to say hello. She is so nice. I wish you were here to hear her. I miss you so much. There are bunch of authors getting ready to speak.

 

[operafan]

Met with your granddaughter yesterday. She asked me if you were gay and for the first time I told her anything she wanted to know. I think you had paved the way during Thanksgiving when she and J interviewed you. If they hadn't suspected before they were pretty certain now.

She just wanted confirmation and I told her anything she wanted to know. She was very surprised that we went back to 1982.

I had trouble going to sleep because I was thinking of you.

I miss you so much.

 

[operafan]

The last night of the conference meant that a group of us went out to dinner. We ended up at a seafood restaurant. I wasn't very hungry but wanted to go with the group.

I couldn't decide what to have but then it was obvious -- what did we always get when we went out to eat together -- oysters on the half-shell. They were wonderful, as always, but they weren't the same without you.

I need to go over and pick up a couple things that were left in your apartment. One of them is the painting I gave you when we first started going together. It will have a very special place. I will think of you every time I look at it.

 

[operafan]

I went over to your apartment tonight to help with cleaning out your stuff. B* gave me the charcoal of David. It made me terribly sad because you kept this over your bed. All of the naughty things we did on that bed.

When I would come over you already had the candles lit. We loved that one porn flick where the two boys were making love in candlelight and we tried to recreate that mood every time. I loved the scented candles especially and the way the bedroom was dark and bathed in yellow at the same time.

We start off by kissing for a long time and then we would move to 69. Of course my favorite part was when I would sit on your dick and I would ride while you were playing with me. We could kiss and go on like this until we were both happy.

No one else knows what that Michelangelo "David" will always mean to me but it will always be an indelible memory.

 

[operafan]

This is the first time since you died that I did our regular Saturday morning routine. Since I've got lots of work to do, I woke up early and got a 6:30 start on the day.

It was the first time I've gone to Country Kitchen for Saturday breakfast and you weren't there. You didn't tell the waitress to be sure and leave off the potatoes with the eggs, "because we never ate potatoes for breakfast" when you were growing up.

There was no one to tell me stories of the latest Jessica Fletcher on TV or the one you have been reading.

There was no one to comment on the cute boys sitting at the table across from me.

There was no one there to discuss what I would fix for our supper on Sunday evening. I'm thinking it was about time for fired oysters or spaghetti Bolognese again.

There was no one to share the paper with as with leisurely finished our breakfast.

There was no one to go to Walmart with after breakfast. I wonder if Walmart will ever sell as many of the little cherry and apple pies now that you won't be there to deplete their stock.

There was no one waiting for me as I finally got through with my shopping who was entertaining all of the people sitting on the same bench with stories from your youth.

I didn't have to stop by your apartment and unpack the groceries and kiss you goodbye until we Skyped that night.

I miss you so much, baby.

 

[operafan]

It's 6:30.

Sunday.

I'm supposed to be drinking my weekly scotch and kissing you and working ourselves up to some major lovin'.

I thought about your brown eyes troday for some reason. The last time I saw them I gave you a kiss as I left the hospital. I didn't know it would be the last time.

I miss you.

Fucking cancer.

 

[operafan]

I'm not sure why but I've been weeping today about your being gone. I don't feel down most of the time because I'm so busy but today was different for some reason.

I was thinking about the reception that I have been doing for the last couple of years for you and what I would serve. If I do it it will be all your favorite foods. Then I started thinking about all of the barbeque you loved so much. Just that thought has kind of set me off. That and for some reason.

The other thing is I keep thinking about your brown eyes and the last evening I kissed you good night. But it was really good bye. And I didn't know it was good bye. If I had known I would have kissed you longer and forever.

I miss you, baby.

 

[operafan]

More changes since you've gone. They announced yesterday that Ugly Betty would be dropped at the end of the season. I know it wasn't your favorite show but we did enjoy cuddling up and watching it together.

Maybe Betty will finally fix her hair and get some decent clothes. I know it always bothered you that she looked like she'd put her stuff together with a blindfold.

All the talk is about who Betty will end up with -- who cares? I want to know who Mark will end up with and what will he be doing next? I would think that he is pretty type-cast at the moment.

Anyway, thought you would want to know. Just another reason we can snuggle on Wednesday nights in the future.

 

[operafan]

Baby, I can't help thinking of the huge snow a couple of years ago and my walking over to your apartment. I hadn't seen you for a couple of days and I was so desparate for hugs and kisses that I walked a mile or so just to be with you. It wasn't horrible, the weather was clear but cold but I remember so much about how I wanted to be with you.

I went to your favorite restuarant for steak tonight. Scott is back! I guess Chicago didn't work out for him. He is such a cutie. He has got to be gay -- what a fine ass he has. I hope because he has come back that he is having trouble getting his life together.

I received a notice from the circuit court today that your will has gone to probate. I couldn't make it through the documents without being so unutterably sad. I don't care that I'm part of your will. None of that means anything to me without you. I wish we were together in front of the fire.

I read about two guys that have been together 30 years and AT&T wasn't willing to give one of the guys family leave to be with his partner who had had a stroke. Evidently it is working out because AT&T is evidently a big supporter of gays. At any rate I'm so glad your daughter didn't shut be out during your last days. That would have been a blow too many.

Love you.

 

[operafan]

This is the fifth Sunday since you passed away. Instead of cooking you dinner and snuggling, I worked at my computer. I have a new one and it is giving me fits trying to get stuff transferred from the old one.

Of course, if you were still here, I would have put it all aside just to be with you. I just had my scotch for supper -- I guess I'll save a few calories by not having Sunday dinner. I would love to lose some weight.

There are couple of good homo movies that are coming out. I would love to put them on our Netflix cue but there is no "our" any longer. I've been watching a new sci-fi show, "Caprica," which you would hate. I wouldn't make you sit through it -- or sleep through it which would have been the case.

I've hung the little old man reading in his study right over the printer. I want to get a lamp to highlight it because it is so dark that it's hard to see. You framed it beautifully. I love having it. I can't remember what year I gave it to you --- it must have been 25 years ago or so.

Seems like yesterday.

Night, baby.

 

[operafan]

The weather has been so awful that I haven't kept up our Saturday morning routines since you died. I don't know if it is a matter of habit or a way to keep your memory alive that I want to do this. Our Sundays were so special and I haven't figured out a way to mark them. But, I think I will continue our Saturday forays. It makes me sad, but I'm alone and I can think of you and shut everything else to the side.

By the way, your favorite plums are available again.

I had lunch with the guy who owes you money. I didn't bring it up and I guess I don't care. Maybe as your world grew smaller and he was one of the few who came to brighten your day besides me and your daughter, maybe he deserves the money. I don't think he was ever going to pay it back anyway. I don't need it and you must have liked him well enough to lend it to him anyway.

I miss you.

 

[operafan]

It's the 7th Sunday since you died.

I was thinking about you last night while watching the British comedies. You disliked the line up so much except for "As Time Goes By" even though you watched them. You'll be happy to know they have changed the lineup and they're all good. Dench was particularly good last night.

M*** seems to be in a lot of trouble right now. We found out this week that he doesn't have running water. I don't know how he is making it. We'd offer to help but he hasn't told us how bad off he is and the guy who told us said that he though M*** would be furious if he found out we knew. We'll be here if he tells us.

You'll be happy to know that we're in for another snow storm this evening. Happy, that is, because you will miss it. You became like a hermit towards the end. Thank goodness you had to go out for medicine or you would never have left the apartment. Just waiting for the next time that I could come over.

I can come over now. You're just not there.

 

[operafan]

Hi, baby! It's Valentine's Day. You would be getting roses as usual if you were here. I think we would be having an extra special dinner this evening. I'm not sure -- but steak was always at the top of the list.

I went to the bank yesterday and dealt with some of my inheritance. I am so overwhelmed with what you left to me that I haven't been able to deal with it yet. It's kind of waiting for me to do something -- but I don't know what.

I so wish we had been able to take that last trip we wanted to take. It would have been lovely seeing our friends and I know you really wanted to go. It would have been really difficult for you. Your breathing had become so labored and any kind of walking at all was so miserable for you. But we had our other trips. I try to remember each one of them. I was just looking at the NY trip we took with C -- his last big trip. We were such a happy trio.

It all makes me think about what I'm grateful for - the big and little things. I'm listening to a book where one of the characters is recovering from a stroke. I'm so happy that you never had to go through that. You were able to live in your home until you went to the hospital. You were bright and cognizant until the end and until the last few days you never lost your sense of humor. No matter what you had to do next, you never let it get you down -- even the third series of chemo. You were always loving and concerned and you held on the best you could.

I want you to know that on this first Valentine's Day without you, that my love for you has not diminished. I see you in my thoughts every single day.

Good night, baby.

 

[operafan]

Hello, baby! It's been a pretty quiet week. For a change I haven't been overwhelmed with grading so I've been able to catch up on a few things.

I watched our favorite video last night -- the one where Joe proposes to Jason over a brunch after having told their story to a paper in Chicago. It is so heartfelt that I seem to cry every time I see it. I hope, and assume, the boys are still as close as they were when they made this video three years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUk5BpyMMiA

I've tried to watch a little of the Olympics but haven't been able to get into them. I know you wouldn't be watching either so if you were still here and I was at the apartment we would be watching one of our homo movies. Still, there is much to be said for looking at the boys' trim bodies in the lycra-hugging costumes. Of course Johnny was a favorite. Whether he is gay or not, he sure as hell was going to do it his way -- and I say more power to him.

I have been watching Spartacus on Netflix. Some of these guys have such incredible bodies. The black guy has such a rock-hard abdomen that I would think Michelangelo would be proud. I don't like the movie much -- way too much blood -- but it has to be the proudest display of flesh I've ever seen in a movie that wasn't porn. It's free, so I might as well watch it.

I was thinking about the last time I kissed you on the lips. It was pretty quick as you were having so much trouble breathing. You were asleep the last time I kissed you and so you won't remember - but I do. The last time I kissed you I remember looking into your deep, brown eyes as I said good-night.

I loved those eyes.

Night, baby.

 

[operafan]

Two months exactly since you died. Miss you, baby.

 

[operafan]

Baby -- It's been a little bit of a downer this week. I've been feeling kind of teary. I went to the opera for the first time without you this Friday. It was Porgy and Bess which I know wasn't one of your favorites. It was okay. The last time I saw it was when we were in San Francisco many (20?) years ago. This production certainly didn't hold up to the one we saw before. I don't know, maybe it is because a bus and truck company but I thought Crown was very weak and there was some aspects of the singing that just came across as noise.

I'm glad a I went though. It was too good of an opportunity to miss. I don't mind going to the opera by myself so much. After all, it is mainly a sit and listen evening. But the trip up and back was very lonely as was dinner. I treated myself to a nice meal but no matter how casual of an attitude one assumes, it just feels awkward eating by yourself. I missed our chatter and banter and the opportunity to rest my hand on your leg under the table cloth.

Lidia was cooking your favorite today -- pasta with white clam sauce. If you were still here I would be making that next Sunday. I'm not sure you would go with the artichoke hearts that she added to the dish -- you were pretty traditional and not very big on minor adjustments. She used oregano which I don't think I ever did. It made me hungry for our pasta. You would make the salad and I would make the pasta. It made me sad to think I won't be able to cook for you any more.

I shed a few tears on the way home Friday. We had been together 27 years and we always held hand on the way up to the city and back. That never got old and it was one of the things I loved about the winder -- how the extra body warmth was so comforting.

I love you.

 

[operafan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPWKjG71cXo

 

[operafan]

I wonder if I am going to be alone from now on. Is it better being alone than the worry that came from being with someone who was so sick? You had to so much trouble breathing and walking. It was a constant worry wherever we went. It was a struggle to remain happy when you were struggling.

How many times have we gone to McCormick and Schmicks together? And now is the first time since your death that I've gone back.

I was sitting in our favorite restaurant yesterday. I didn't order oysters on the half-shell as they are not nearly as much fun without you. I am sitting alone in the restaurant. I'm enjoying the food but I'm still not comfortable sitting alone so I start writing down my thoughts. It gives me something to do between courses. I ordered a great white wine -- Menage a trois -- very nice. It is enough to really relax me. The stuffed salmon is excellent as is the zucchini -- which you would have hated. Hehehe -- it's okay -- the more for me.

I've started thinking about the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't think I have the energy to date and I miss you still too much. Maybe it will change but I don't think so.

Next Sunday we'll put your ashes in the mausoleum. Another chance to say good-bye.