Operafan - Archived Blog Posts

[operafan]

Why in god's name did I flash on the last Sunday of your life? I came over to your apartment and you hadn't eaten all day. You didn't feel like getting off the couch. I was so horrified that I didn't know you were suffering so.

The first thing I did was make you some coffee and get you something to eat. I think we did watch a little TV but we didn't cuddle because you were having so much trouble breathing. Why am I remembering this? It's not what I want to remember.

I want to remember the exciting, loving times. I don't know why this came up to me as such a strong memory this weekend.

It was the next day that I came over in the morning because I could tell that things weren't going well. You were worse and I wanted you to go to the hospital, but you kept putting it off. I finally called your daughter who helped convince you that putting it off was not a good idea.

I called 911 and four guys came in and got you on a gurney and struggled to get you up the stairs to the ambulance. OMG - - this makes me so sad.

I want to remember something else -- but this is what is strongest tonight.

I miss you every single fucking day. I love you.

 

[operafan]

I'm kind of down tonight. I've been thinking about you and missing you. I think about coming over to your apartment and the first thing we do is kiss and hug and reacquaint ourselves even though it may have only been hours that we were last together.

Things are going okay. Classes are fine. So work is going okay but I just miss talking to you and being together. I don't really mean it but sometimes I think about taking some extra sleeping pills and just being done with it. I don't really, but it does cross my mind. I am pretty lonely without you and I don't think I'll ever get over it.

I'm just feeling down tonight. Wish I could touch you and hear you. I do hear you - in my mind - just as clear as the tears we spent together.

I wish we had had more time. I guess everyone does. And we had lots of time and we made the most of it. I just wanted more.

 

[operafan]

Babe -- I'm getting ready to watch the Poirot that was on last Sunday. I can't watch them without thinking of us cuddled on your couch watching lots of the earlier versions. They're not that big of a deal and I don't like the new ones quite as well because they don't have Captain Haistings in them (or Miss Lay-mohn).

Of course. no matter how much I enjoyed them I think I spent half the time asleep. Guess the wine and snuggling made me let my guard down. It was okay, because the stories weren't all that great after all. It was just another excuse for us to be together.

As your cancer took over more and more of your strength, the Poirots were one of the things we could still enjoy together. It is such a wonderful memory for me.

I will always treasure that connection for us.

Night, baby.

 

[operafan]

Tomorrow is the 8th month anniversary of you passing. I felt you very much with me today.

I continue to do our favorite Saturday morning breakfasts. Sometimes I think about us more and less on Saturday morning but I made a particular effort to see you across from me today. I could hear you talking to me and telling the waitress to be sure and not put any hashed browns on your plate. You never ate potatoes for breakfast when you grew up and you weren't going to start now.

I bought red roses for your grave after breakfast and stayed a while to talk after I arranged them. Of course the birds of paradise were all wilted from last month and everything looked so much better with the roses and greenery.

It has been beastly hot and I know they won't last long but they were beautiful when I left today. They were a special rose with a red stripe running through the petals. You would love them. They didn't smell much but these new hybrids don't seem to much.

I was thinking about driving with both hands the other day. We always held hands in the car. My right hand always had a place in your left. The only time we weren't holding hands was when we were drinking coffee. Now I drive with two hands and I'm a better driver but I'm lonely when I drive because your hand isn't in mine.

I think of you every day.

 

[operafan]

Babe, it is the beginning of August. I'm up to my ears in work and feeling the need for a little stress break. Where in the hell are you when I need you? I know where you would be -- you would be waiting for me with a quip and open arms and a big sloppy kiss.

You would have like the last Poirot -- it took place in the Middle East and it would have reminded you of your trip to Egypt. You loved all of those pictures of you on the camel and at the pyramid. Of course, I didn't get to go on that jaunt.

I do remember you coming in to DC in the middle of the night to join me at a conference. You and the bell boy who helped you with the luggage were surprised to see me open the door nude. We laughed about that forever. You were surprised to see me and evidently the guy with the luggage was even more surprised. I guess I didn't think about you having company when you finally made it to the room. Hahahah

We made up for the 3:00 arrival the next night and almost every night after that.

 

[operafan]

Absolutely charming and wonderful video made to show at these guys' wedding

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46ND9G6sGNw&feature=related

 

[operafan]

Got a note from your daughter the other day about the list of things you wanted distributed after your death. It wasn't a valid list according to the lawyer because it wasn't signed and dated and earlier your daughter had gone ahead and distributed the items anyway.

The judge comes along and said that wasn't a valid distribution and that we had to sign a paper saying that we were satisfied with what we received. Of course, there was no problem for me because I had all almost all of the things you had given me at my house already.

However, on the list was the fact that you wanted your CD collection to go to me. I had already been offered your CDs before I the list was found and said I didn't want them. Most of them were duplicates of operas I already had and I've stopped collecting CDs anyway.

The part that is sweet is that your granddaughter had taken the CDs and was upset to think that she had taken something that belonged to me. She wrote me a note asking me to let her send them to me because she would never have taken something that you wanted me to have.

I told her that it was absolutely okay for her to have them -- in fact I love that she has them. I hope it reminds her of the times we went to NY and to her and her boyfriend to the Met. Those were lovely evenings.

But then most of our evenings together were lovely, weren't they, babe?

 

[operafan]

Classes begin tomorrow. I'm not ready and am working until the last minute. If you had been here and we were to have our Sunday evening homo movie festival I would really be behind. It would be worth it, though.

I did a presentation this week and one of my old colleagues asked about you. He was shocked to hear that you had gone. He spoke so glowingly of you and your legacy to the institution and the children of Missouri. He said he loved talking to you and he was very sad that you had gone.

I got a new-ish car recently. You would love it, I think. It wasn't quite like the tank you drove but it would fill the bill I think. I so remember going with you to help buy your last car. I really liked driving it (of course most of the time it was to the damned cancer clinic) and I hope whoever bought it has loved it the way you did. I never think of that car or our trips to the city in that you always had a jug of coffee for us and then we would hold hands all the way wherever we we going and the way back.

I miss that.

 

[operafan]

Got some peaches at the farmer's market Saturday and thought of you the whole time I was buying them. I sugared them a bit and added lemon juice and had them throughout the weekend.

Peaches were your favorite fruit and it has been so difficult to get good peaches that actually were ripe and had lots of flavor. I can't remember the last time I fixed them for you. I also bought plums which were a favorite as well.

The weather has been horrible with the heat which followed the heavy rains. Again, time that you would spend inside.

S.'s husband died on Thursday. Four of us went up to the visitation last night. S. seems to be doing okay. N. had been in and out of the hospital since the end of May -- mostly in. He had cancer of the stomach and the last bout caused his blood pressure to plummet from which he never recovered. N. was never one of our favorite people but he certainly was nice to S. and they loved each other very much. He was also 80 -- just as you were when you left me.

Dang it.

 

[operafan]

Babe -- I was out of town yesterday and so I put flowers on your grave today. It was late in the day and I didn't spend a lot of time out there but I did kiss your grave and reflected on how much I miss you.

Your granddaughter sent me back the bear I had picked out for the award that you won. I can't remember what the card said the bear stood for but it was a wonderful joke between us that you were a bear and how much I loved my bear. She didn't need to know that part so I just thanked her for being so kind to return it to me.

You would have gotten a hoot out of the fact that I spent the day in Branson yesterday. I can hear you making fun of the music and everything else Branson stands for. We went down to visit a 91-year-old friend and had a nice day. Still, you would have had very definite opinions about going there. Tee hee.

Summer is kind of winding down. You would have enjoyed eating out on the patio today. Wish we could have.

 

[operafan]

Baby -- I was listening to this on the way home Friday. Although the words have nothing to do with how much we loved each other the melding of the voices is so lovely. I wonder if the words have ever been changed for a gay wedding. At any rate in listening to it I had to weep a bit for our loss. We made this kind of music in our own way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZycA37tH8F4

 

[operafan]

We always paid particular attention to the write-ups in the local paper that highlighted a couple's love story. I know you would like to know that the paper continues to highlight gay couples:
---------------------------------------------------------------
Randy, 45, mowed part of the lawn, then hurried inside to the computer to continue his chat with 38-year-old Eric.
Randy, divorced for three years and raising his 7-year-old son with his ex-wife, was trying to meet people. He had reached out to Eric on a dating site.
“My conversation with Eric was refreshing,” he said.
It was November 2008. Eric also enjoyed their interaction, which stretched throughout the day.
“I was not looking for a relationship,” Eric says. “I was more into my work and into myself. But I was open to meeting someone.”
At the end of the day, they talked about their plans for the evening.
“I wanted to see if Randy was genuine,” Eric says. “So I invited him over to spend time with me and two friends.”
Randy drove from his home in Blue Springs to Eric’s home in the Kansas City. He showed up with a six-pack of Bud in one hand and a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat in the other.
Eric looked at Randy and thought, “My ideal person just showed up at my door with beer in hand. I have found my husband.”
Randy was surprised at how nervous and shy Eric seemed. In their chatting, Eric had been talkative and confident.
“His bashfulness made me even more interested in him,” Randy says. “I hoped we would have a relationship.”
They spent the evening talking, both of them feeling a connection. The next day, Randy texted Eric to see if they could spend time together.
“Then we were seeing each other every day,” Eric says. “I knew it was right with Randy. He was respectful, thoughtful and kind. We were building a friendship and a relationship.”
“I love his sense of humor and his laugh,” Randy says. “Eric is beautiful inside and out. He has such a good heart.”
The relationship deepened. In January 2009, Eric got down on one knee and proposed to Randy.
“I was surprised,” Randy says. “Of course, I said yes.”
Today, the two men live together in their Kansas City home. Randy works as a research analyst for a law firm. Eric is a customer service supervisor in the city manager’s office. They love being with family and friends and treasure their time with Randy’s son, who is now 9. They hope to get married in 2012.
They stay connected during the workday by texting. When they’re not at work, they’re together. Both feel their relationship was meant to be.
“We balance each other,” Randy says. “Just knowing Eric is there for me brings peace to my heart and mind.”
“I prayed to meet someone who would truly love me,” Eric says. “Randy is my answered prayer.”

 

[operafan]

Went out to the cemetery today, babe, and put new flowers on your grave. I can't believe that it has been 9 months since you left me. In some ways it seems longer and yet I remember your last hospital stay very vividly -- like it was yesterday.

Took out fall flowers today - yellow and bronze mums. Tied them with a ribbon and stayed for a while to talk. It was a beautiful day. The summer has pretty well passed and there is more than a hint of fall. It is during the cold time of the year that I particularly loved holding hands -- mine get cold but never when we were together. It was always the first thing we would do on our road trips.

The opera season starts soon. I'm going to go by myself. I can do this alone but I won't have you there to complain about the scenery or the singing during the intermission. Or to hold hands on the way home.

 

[operafan]

Babe, It has been kind of a long week. Too many (any would be too many) gay boys are killing themselves. One has particularly broken my heart -- a boy who was being spied on by his roommate and felt the only way to deal with the public humiliation was to throw himself off a bridge.

I went to a wedding last night (you didn't know them -- I barely knew them) and could help but think about Tyler who never got the chance to get married because he was bullied by his roommate. I was so sad through the whole celebration knowing that someone so sweet and talented never got the chance to find his true love.

This video says so much of what I'm thinking. I wishe you were here for us talk about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEzZoGIl00c&feature=sub

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEzZoGIl00c&feature=sub[/youtube]

 

[operafan]

Babe, there was a new "Watching Brad" posted this evening. I know how much you loved reading this series. I think you would be pleased that the story continues in very much the same vein as before.

Thinking about the Brad story makes me think about our nightly conversations via Skype. I miss the 10 o'clock routine -- but then I miss everything about our routines. I've started drinking my weekly Glenlivets again on Sunday night. It was one of the things that I seemed to lose interest in after you died. I guess I am getting back to routines.

Since B. has decided to purchase a seat at the new PAC in your name I want to buy the seat next to you. For as long as the center is there we will be sitting side-by-side -- just we always did at the opera -- and on your couch. I think your left side must have had a permanent dent in it from my laying against you and your cuddling me as we watched TV.

I can't remember if I told you about going to "Carmen" or not. I really liked it -- I think you would as well. Very traditional staging and the singing was very good. I thought the singer signing Carmen was very good and the Don Jose and Escamillo were fine as well. No updating or weird costuming --- so you would have been happy. I would certainly have been happier with you there.

Night, baby.

 

[operafan]

Babe -- Here I am in Chicago and I'm missing our trips together. I thought about you in the back of the taxi where we would surreptitiously hold hands. I thought about you when I went to the opera where we would hold hands in the darkness of the theater. I thought about you last night when I went with friends to a great Italian restaurant which reminded me of the kinds of places we went to in NY before the opera.

It was kind of funny -- for some reason it reminded me of when we went to see "Naked Boys Singing" in NY. That was a lot of fun. Maybe it was the kind of theater we went to last night after dinner. It was Second City and nothing like naked boys singing but I guess just being in a dark theater reminded me of it.

What was the name of the play we went to see on that same NY trip? Was it "Some Men" by Terrence McNally? I can't quite remember now.

Miss you, babe.

 

[operafan]

Got back from a quick trip to St. Louis and I was thinking about my 10:00 call that I didn't have to make because you aren't here.

I was thinking about my trip to the opera this Friday -- alone. I could ask someone to go but I want to go with someone who WANTS to go with me. I want to go with someone who WANTS to go to the opera -- particularly since it is one of my favorites -- NORMA!

I was thinking about how we could discuss the wonderful and heartfelt video by Joel Burns and share our tears over his discussion of being bullied as a Freshmen and high school and the wonderful response his video created with almost 3 million views on YouTube.

I miss having someone to talk to about all of the things in the world that meant so much to us.

Night, baby.

 

[operafan]

It's time for my weekly Glenlivet. I should be having this with you. The first thing I would do after giving you a kiss after arriving would be to go to the kitchen and make a double.

As was our usual routine in the latter years I would look at the collected pictures you had downloaded from the Web and we would remark and rejoice at the beauty of the boys you had found. As usual, you would have found some cute redheads for me as they were my weakness.

This would lead to kissing and foreplay as the prelude for or Sunday evening lovemaking. For so many years we would go into your candlelit bedroom and enjoy each other for as long as I could last -- which was never very long after I started riding your dick.

Glenlivet brings back all those memories.

Glenlivet goes back to my reading about detective stories in a book from the library and I was astounded to read that there was a gay detective. I found some of the Joseph Hansen novels and fell in love with this character. I started sharing the David Brandstetter novels with you and because of Brandstetter's love of Glenlivet I started buying it. We drank it together until you couldn't drink any longer. It just didn't taste good to you -- but it was our drink -- from the rocks glasses that you bought especially for the scotch to kissing that the scotch would inevitably lead to.

We went through the entire Brandsetter series together and I kept on drinking the scotch. Every single time I have a Glenlivet I think of you my darling.

 

[operafan]

I'm writing this a couple of days early, babe, because of Thanksgiving craziness.

Last year on Thanksgiving day we celebrated your 80th birthday. You looked so gaunt and I could tell you didn't feel well but we had a great day any way. You were always so happy to see my family and they you. Is the last picture that I took of you the one of you blowing out the candles? Last year Thanksgiving was on your birthday and in less than a month you would be gone.

I have wept over the thought that almost a year has gone by and I feel very melancholy over your birthday this week.

I miss you so much. No more stolen kisses as you leave. No more holding hands or my caressing your foot under the table.

I didn't make your birthday angel food cake this year. I always made it for you and you won't be there. I thought about going ahead and keeping the tradition but it just isn't the same and my heart isn't in it.

I will take roses to your grave on the 26th.

You are constantly in my thoughts.

 

[operafan]

Thanksgiving is over and so is your first birthday after you've gone. I put up your picture at the dining room table from last year when you were blowing out the candles. It's a great picture except for the fact that I know you weren't feeling well and you are a little gaunt.

Nevertheless, it was opposite me at the dining room table and I could look at your face during the entire meal.

Thanksgiving day was pleasant except for the fact that one of my brother's daughters is having a lot of personal problems and she didn't show up. She has almost entirely broken her relationship with her sisters and I know my brother and his wife are at loose ends about what to do. But for all who were there we had a nice time.

Miss you.