Operafan - Archived Blog Posts

[operafan]

I'm thinking about the first time that we had a room together. I had seen you from afar during my practicum class but had never spoken to you.

O. thought it would be a good idea for us to room together at the next conference and I was glad to have the company. Of course, I always hoped that sometime I would be able to share a room with someone at one of these conferences who wanted to play but I never thought about it very deeply. Never thought it would happen.

I came back to the room and you were in bed reading. I can't remember what I was doing -- maybe at a board meeting. I didn't know that you slept nude -- I could just see that you weren't wearing a shirt.

I guess I was wanting to show off a bit because you said later that I was walking around in my robe with my robe open. Sounds like something I would do. At any rate, I don't remember much but us talking about various things. I do remember turning off the lights and being really horned up.

I don't remember the sequence very well at this point -- we should have talked more about it because it made such an impression on you -- but you lit up a cigarette and I remember that you were laying on top of the covers with a hard on. THAT I remember vividly. And I do remember saying something stupid like -- "let's get this over with" and I did. I crawled over and sucked you off and went back to my bed.

I didn't know you were wanting to reciprocate because so many times when I sucked someone off they didn't -- since I was very much into my anonymous sex at the time.

At any rate the next morning, I could barely look at you I was so embarrassed that I had let my horniness get the better of me and the only thing I could think of was that you would tell the world that I liked to suck dick. I was sure you would humiliate me.

We got through the morning and it wasn't until we were driving home that you kept wanting to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted you to forget about it. Finally, I closed the discussion with "I'm a big boy now" -- and you let it drop.

We didn't talk again. I was still expecting to get a call from someone berating me for having sucked off a university professor.

That call didn't come.

The call that did come was from you - maybe in August - asking if you wanted to share a room at the conference in Houston. I guess I didn't hesitate because you hadn't exposed me at this point so I assumed you knew what you were getting into.

Then the first night in Houston we decided to watch some porn and I remember vividly you saying, I'd like to take up where we left off at the last conference." And we did -- this time you were sucking on my dick and I'm sure I sucked you off -- I don't remember that -- I just remember that someone wanted to get me off as much as I wanted to get someone else off.

I we didn't let up for 28 years. I can still feel the shape of your dick in my mouth. And your kisses -- and everything else.

I miss you, baby.

 

[operafan]

As the week has started that will bring me to the one year anniversary of your death, a variety of memories flood my thoughts as you are present with me every day.

This morning I'm watching the Met Centennial Gala and Roberta Peters was singing in the sextet from "Lucia" and I remember our attending one of her last concerts in the area with you. She is certainly lovely and it was a lovely evening spending it with you.

 

[operafan]

Babe -- This time last year I was at the hospital with your daughter and her husband and we were with you through your last night. You didn't know we were with you but we were. It was a horrible night in so many ways. I will never forget being with you and them as you slept the deep sleep and struggling for breath.

I think it is so fitting that today when I took roses to your grave the snow was coming down heavily. I associate this weather with your last winter -- even to the horrible snow for your memorial service. I will remember your final days for the rest of my life.

You meant so much to me and I have not gotten over your passing. I think of you every day and am in anguish in much of those thoughts. I wish I could remember the good times always but that is just not how it works. I do remember good times as well but my mind goes to the end more often.

I will be thinking of you constantly tomorrow morning as the year becomes reality.

I LOVE YOU.

 

[operafan]

It's past 6:00 and I think of the Sundays when I would be snuggled in your apartment. We most likely would have made love by now and then I would be making our dinner. I'm thinking that fried oysters might be on the menu this evening.

I wonder what homo video would have come in this week? I haven't watched many since you died. I'm not sure why -- maybe the same reason that I haven't had much interest in sex either -- it's not just not the same without you.

I miss your laugh and you horrible stories about what game shows you watched last. I wonder if "Murder, She Wrote" is still being broadcast. I should rent some just to remember your favorite. I watched the Kennedy Center Honors last week and Angela still looks good. She was there to sing the praises of Jerry Herman. It was a great show -- lots of gays showed up. Besides Herman, Bill T. Jones was honored. We would have loved watching this together.

Sleep tight, baby.

 

[operafan]

The second Valentine's day has come and gone since you have been gone. Nothing special to report other than I was thinking of you the entire day.

I loved bringing you red roses on this day. I didn't give you flowers very often but this is a red rose day. I'd come over and we would make out like teenagers and snuggle and hold each others' hand. We'd usually watch a movie and just enjoy the sensation of being together. Well, that and eating too much chocolate.

I guess it is because of the 14th you have been on my mind more than usual today. I can still hear your voice and see your eyes and if I close my eyes, still feel your touch. I want you to know that I miss you every day.

 

[operafan]

Went to the opera last night. I didn't try to get anyone for the other ticket so I went by myself. It was a Donizetti comedy -- very much of a trifle. I think you might have liked it although I'm not sure about the silliness. You seemed to have less tolerance for those in the latter years. But ---- they didn't modernize it and the singing was good -- the tenor was cute -- sweet and short -- kind of a pocket tenor.

Before I went to the opera I went to your favorite restaurant. I should try some other things but since this was the 25th and an anniversary of your death, I felt that our old stomping grounds was the place to be. Of course I started with oysters on the half shell. You would have loved them. Don't know if they had fried oysters or not because they weren't on the menu. I suppose they are always there whether on the menu or not. I had Chilean sea bass which was wonderful and a Sauvignon Blanc.

Since you weren't there to keep me company I read off my iPod and caught up with e-mail and some of the blogs I follow. It kept me entertained.

I always take flowers on the 25th to your grave. I was a day late today -- I do associate horrible winter weather with your death. It didn't let me down as there was snow on the ground and it was misting -- cold -- wet -- thoroughly miserable. I took a bright bouquet today to cheer up the environment. Lots of reds and yellows. They didn't cheer me up much but it did leave a spot of color.

Miss you baby.

 

[operafan]

I see you as a walk into your den. You are watching TV and you have a slide show running on the computer of all the pretty boys you have collected over the week, with a special section of red-headed boys for me to particularly enjoy.

I see you as we kiss.

I see you when I get you another cup of coffee and I get my weekly scotch.

I see you as we sit on the couch and make out.

I see you as we move to your bedroom and we light the candles.

I see you as we kiss and kiss and kiss.

I see you as I ride you as you bring me off.

I see you as I finish our session and you come so hard that you make more noise than a locomotive.

I see you as we clean up.

I see you as we go to the kitchen and I make us our Sunday evening supper.

I see you as we sit down in front of our TV trays and watch this week's homo movie.

I see you as we snuggle and take comfort in each others' skin.

I see you as I get ready to leave for the evening and we kiss longingly as I get ready to go home.

I see you just as if you were still here.

 

[operafan]

Babe -- I just got flowers to your grave this evening -- 2 days late. How can I be so busy? I thought of you on the 25th all day and my heart aches a little more on those days. I still see you waiting for me on the couch each Sunday and we start off with the world's biggest sloppiest kiss.

It's snowing again. I don't mind because it seems that so many times when I went to your grave there was snow on the ground. It reminds me of your last days.

Sleep tight.

 

[operafan]

Babe, I had to go to the hospital last week for some tests, etc. The first night was terrible and I couldn't get to sleep. I saw 2:00 am come and woke up at 6:00. Short night.

Since I couldn't sleep I thought about you -- us, really. I was trying to think of our happy times together -- just running them through my mind.

For some reason I thought about the few times that we had public sex together. The first time was at the skanky movie theater I took you to. There were guys all around waiting for someone else to pull out their dick and since we were together you pulled out mine and started sucking on it. I remember the guy behind us asking if he could watch.

The next time I guess was when we were in New Orleans and went to The Corner Pocket. Even though it had been raided a couple of weeks before there were lots of guys in the back room making out with one another. There was even that horrible Dennis who is very difficult to be around. There he was running his arms up and down go-go boys and stuffing money into their crotches. Ugh. I can't stand him. At any rate, we finally thew caution to the wind and you laid me out on the pool table and started blowing me. I can't remember reciprocating but I must have. I think I was so nervous that I couldn't wait to get out of there.

I guess the last time was when we were in New York and C. was with us in the room. He was in the other bed and we were feeling frisky in the morning. I remember me riding you while C. was in the other bed. Ever the gentleman he didn't stare but he watched.

I can't remember any other times. I guess for 28 years that is pretty unexciting in the whole scheme of things.

But it helped me get through the night.

 

[operafan]

Babe, I made your favorite spaghetti tonight. I almost couldn't get through the meal because it made me so sad. I didn't have the homo movie to go with it but then it's not the only thing that isn't the same.

Night, baby.

 

[operafan]

Just wanted you to know that I missed playing footsie under the table during lunch. I know you would have been with me if you could have.

I missed even more the Sunday evening we would have had together.

 

[operafan]

Baby, I am missing you more tonight. The Tonys are on and we would normally be cuddled up on your couch -- perhaps with a blanket over me because I would always get cold -- and I would have my head on your chest and you would have your arm around me neck.

God damn, I miss being with you so much. Your light has gone out of my life forever, but I do have the memories.

I love you.

 

[operafan]

It's Pride Month.
I'm in New Orleans.
I just had oysters at the oyster bar you and I used always go to. I didn't have the oysters on the half shell without you -- it just wasn't the same without you.
I went to the general session and Dan Savage spoke forecefully, thoughtfully, and even a little bit weepily.I have to admit to weeping through almost the entire presentation because everything was so honest and he tied it in beautifully to librarian's desire to sped information. His comments about libraries were genuine and realistic. He did no pandering to the audience.

Baby, you would ave loved it. I would have loved sitting there with you and you holding my hand. Then we could have gone to this bar and enjoyed a beer and plates of oysters on the half shell. What a party we would have hsd.

AND THEN FOR THE NY SENATE to pass the legislation to give gays the write to many on this wonderful day that it seems that it was a day to remember.

We would have had to celebrate this sweet night wit champagne,chocolate, and kisses and love.

and and and more kisses. and many I love yous.

We woud have had such a party

 

[operafan]

Hi, babe. I'm in New Orleans for a conference. All I can do is think about how much we enjoyed being here together. I ate at our favorite oyster bar last night. I didn't have oysters on the half shell -- I guess it isn't the same without you to help eat them but I did have the fried oysters. They were good -- I know you would have enjoyed them.

I didn't go to the bars like we used to. I thought about it and even walked by Oz and The Corner Pocket but didn't go in. I think that steam has gone out of me.

You would have loved the opening General Session yesterday. Dan Savage spoke about the It Gets Better Project. He spoke magnificently and the response from the audience was terrific. Standing ovations from all those straight librarians -- they are my people.

And then on top of everything else, NY passed the law for same sex marriage. It had been going on for weeks. I have to say that I didn't think it would ultimately pass but Cuomo evidently was a master at assuaging the Republican fears and bringing the Democrats in line as well.

It was a magnificent day -- except you weren't here.

Love - me

 

[operafan]

Babe - I put a dozen roses on your grave yesterday. They were beautiful and I wish you were here to enjoy them. I've been missing you more than usual the last couple of days.

Tonight should be our weekly snuggle session - plus it is my birthday this week and you are supposed to be here to give me my birthday loving as well.

My heart is so heavy in missing you. It's been a year and a half and I think of you every day -- not every minute as I have done but you are never far from my thoughts.

I will never be the same without you.

 

[operafan]

Baby, I can't believe that it has been two years since you died on Christmas day. I think about you every day and know that I will never get over your being absent from my life.

As you know, from wherever you are, this has been a very difficult year since the end of October. S. has been sick and almost 70 days in the hospital. The stress has been been overwhelming.

The last time this happened I had you to come home to. I could cuddle in your arms and drift off to sleep while you were holding me against your chest. You were always there waiting for me and I knew I could count on your patience, concern, and most of all, your warm embrace. I miss all of that, of course, because it was so important to us but I also miss it because I am so exhausted by the contrariness and anguish that this siege has put me through.

It is so ironic that yet another Christmas has come and gone and it is filled with so much heartache for me. I know Christmas will never be the same since you died that day but it doesn't seem like it will every be joyous for me in other ways as well.

As you know, I continue to put flowers on your grave each month. I want you to know that you are always in my thoughts and I will miss you eternally.

All my love.

 

[operafan]

Just read that Angela Lansbury is getting a special Oscar this year. I wish you were still here with me to see it. I don't think there has ever been a bigger Jessica fan than you.

Another reason I miss you.

 

[operafan]

I can't believe that it has been so long since I posted to this blog about you. I continue to think about you every day - although the pain of your absence isn't as acute as it was. I had a shrimp cocktail on Thursday and thought of you; I had a Glenlivet this evening and thought about us -- the fist thing I did every Sunday evening when we got together. The thing that is missing is the pasta or the oysters that we would have after the sex.

I miss you every day.