Outed by a classmate

[new86]

So guys I ask here if you have some suggestions because this is a topic I never though I had to deal with; by that I mean that I always kept divided my "gay" life with school or so, unless lately for a classmate with i became friends with and I told him about me.

So a couple of weeks ago I went to this gay party not far from home; on the next monday a classmate asked me what I did on weekend and I lied about the place I've been but i said i was out to disco.. this was a bad idea because he kept saying "it seems to me I saw you, you were wearing bla bla" and I told him it could not be me, he was confusing me with someone else... anyway it's for sure he told another classmate who then continuously asked "ah really, you were (the place i said I've been)?" and now sometimes comes up asking questions (like today, we were presenting projects of different architets and he asked me again where i was that saturday and then "ain't it hot this one architect? do you like him?" and other crazy questions).

Now I'm a bit confused and don't know what to do... I mean I am not willing to let anyone know about me, as i said i always kept this part of me untold... I mean in the whole class not everyone knows or cares... I also know the second guy is really stupid and careless as he also was pulling the leg of other people and acting sometimes very childish (he's 22 by the way).

On the other hand I wanted to speak with the guy who apparently saw me... Why was he at a gay party in a place usually closed to public? (it was a disco but it is now used just for special events > He could not be there by mistake). Why did he felt right to speak with other people? The problem is that I am not sure he will be comprehensive, I fear that speaking with him will let the situation go even worse by confirming I was there...

I know I should ignore the comments, in fact they are poor guys if need to make some kind of comments, isn't it? But I am not the type, I like taking position (no pun intended!) even when the discussions in class are based on racism (lots of people in my class hate black guys and so on)... And I don't want to be the one being submitted to these people. I just don't know how to do it.... And I remember well last week when we were in lyon, france for a trip and while we were on the bus a gay couple was walking by the street and kissed... i remember the hateful comments of lots of my classmates and this is sooo bad!

help please!

 

[giorgiobaby]

maybe he feels if people are talking about you being gay, they won't look at him and you get to take the flack for it.

 

[saymyname]

Maybe you should just come out.

 

[new86]

no other comments?

 

[spencer]

no other comments?

There or not you can still question why he was there.

Deny it and say, no I wasn't there. But if I were there then why were you there, why were you looking at guys from far away and memorizing what they were wearing?

If he asks you if you think an Architect is good looking, turn it around and say, first you look at people at parties to see if they look like me then you're looking at Architects and asking them if I agree they're attractive?

 

[glorff]

Just turn it around and ask him where he was that night and what he was doing. If he was there he will have a story that goes with being there, one way or another you will be able to figure it out from there

 

[TX-Beau]

no other comments?

What other comments do you need. There's no drama if you man up and say yes I'm gay. If he saw you, he knows you're gay, he knows you were there, he knows you lied. Gossip. Drama. Why do you want to talk to him? Are you going to try and shut him up? That won't work, he'll just turn around and tell everyone that you're so sacred of anyone finding out you're gay that you tried to shut him up. Gossip. Drama. The bigger a deal you make it, the more legs this has got. If you were simply honest with him, what's he going to do? Make a 'phobic ass out of himself? That's a win/win for you.

This drama is only as big as you make it.

You think this guy is childish, but hiding and lying is hardly mature either.

 

[KaraBulut]

It depends on this guy's motive and trustworthiness.

If he's someone you want to be closer friends with then by all means stop being evasive. There's no reason for you to apologize or make excuses.

On the other hand, if he's not someone you want to have a relationship with of any sort, then just say, "You may have been there, it seems. Even if I were there, I wouldn't tell you because it's not any of your business".

 

[yourally]

Tell him to mind his business and just turn it around, Listen fruitcake, if you saw me there, WHY where you there?

And tell him if he doesn't shut the hell up and mind his business, you'll stuff your cock so far down his throat he won't be able to swallow. Watch his reaction. if he pitches a tent, new sex buddy! haha, but just say you'll out them...and that you KNOW something about them(you don't) but don't let it escalate to blackmail, just laugh it off...

 

[Fishstix]

There's a posibility that one or both of those guys are gay and think you're hot (Which you are) or just want a gay friend. Or the 2nd guy is just a nosy asshole who's obsessed with other people's business. There are a lot of people who are obsessed with who's gay or not and like that gossip stuff.

 

[pwrbarboy]

The OP admits he's shy and English is not his native language. I think a little more warmth and support combined with a little less dismissive attitude might not be a terrible thing.

 

[CtBoyWonder]

Since you already told him you are gay. The best thing is to put the ball
back in his court and ask him, what were you doing at a gay party, is their
something you need to tell me? That will get the heat off you.

J.P.

 

[looseliam]

The bigger the issue you make it, the larger damage controll you'll need.

Leave it as a case of mistaken identy and just that.

 

[Kyanimal]

Look at it this way ... If Everyone knows he's a "chatter box", and "gossip hound", what makes you think Anyone is going to take him seriously, anyway?

DO NOT grant him any "power" over You, or think he will make any impression on what other's MIGHT think of You!

It doesn't sound to me as though this Guy has any "pull" with anyone else. So ... just be the YOU that YOU want to be, and don't be too concerned about Him "defining" You! YOU are the only one that can do that!!

And ... should anyone actually listen to him ... do They matter all that much, anyway??

Above all else ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[saymyname]

Tell him to mind his business and just turn it around, Listen fruitcake, if you saw me there, WHY where you there?

And tell him if he doesn't shut the hell up and mind his business, you'll stuff your cock so far down his throat he won't be able to swallow. Watch his reaction. if he pitches a tent, new sex buddy! haha, but just say you'll out them...and that you KNOW something about them(you don't) but don't let it escalate to blackmail, just laugh it off...

This is the worst advice ever! You're telling someone that's ALREADY closeted to use homophobic and threatening reasons to keep it quiet against another potentially gay/closeted person.

Just COME OUT. My god.

 

[backpacker]

There is a lot we don't know here about the dynamics at your school and your social life. That makes giving advice very difficult.

I think there is a good chance that the guy is gay and said something to let you know he was gay. The constant pressure may be there way of getting you to come out to them. While the methods are not cool, they may have good intentions. You really don't know.

The real question is why is it so important to keep your orientation secret? What is so scary about people at school knowing you are gay? Are you going to avoid all gay related activities out of fear of being seen again? These are questions that you don't need to answer here, but should really think about the answers for yourself.

The reality is that at least two guys at school already know. You look like a fool when you deny the truth. If you are not willing to admit the truth, then ignore their remarks.

 

[seven_sins]

If you are not willing to come out to them, you have only one choice. That is to continue to deny you were at the party. If the guy asks again, tell him that you have already told him that you were not there and let it go at that. Repeat the same answer if he asks more. If the other guy asks if you think someone is hot, tell him that you will leave it up to him to decide for himself. You must respond to their questions in a way that won't allow them to pursue the matter further. Do you know anyone who is out? Maybe you could ask them what their experiences have been. If they have been positive, it might just be easier for you to come out.

 

[Scimitar]

If your out it is easy to give the advice just come out. But for some people it is more difficult, not everyones situation is the same. However, I will say this much, if he asks you what you were doing there, or that he saw you there, just state, I like the club, or I was just trying out a new place. If he keeps on pushing ignore him. Looseliam is right, if you worry about it, it will be a big issue. Just brush it off. Hope this helps.

 

[new86]

So guys some news... before let me answer to you individually (and thanks for the answers anyway!)


GIORGIOBABY: It is a good idea, a friend of mine got out this one too... and it seems really possible according to the last events.

SAYMYNAME: Not everybodu MUST come out. You should get into my shoes maybe and you'll understand that.

BILLYSOSILLY: What is says MAKES sense and I don't wanna make them rule or dictate my life... not at all!

SPENCER: Good idea to ask him why he was there... I wanted to, but if I do it is obvious I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PARTY THERE WAS... and why should I know? Gay life in here is not lived in daylight. No other people that gay ones should know about that party because it was not advertised anywhere if not in gay places or sites here...

GLORFF: I actually asked him where he was... he was evasive, telling me he was in a lace really close to where I was (the Capital actually > so it would be "normal" for him to be in a place close to mine). He also said "I don't remember well" wich sound as dumb as it can be... Short-memory-problems here?

TX-BEAU: You say "be honest with him". So do you think I should be honest with someone who makes jokes about being FAGGOT? or showing others the ideal chair for me (one putted with the bottom on top so i can put the 4 legs in and so on)? Is this a persont to speak with?

KARABULUT: No i don't want to be his friend. I "admired him" in the sense he is a good student and, it seemed, a good person too. I WAS WRONG.

ALLYIGATOR: I cannot blackmail him as I am not sure HE saw me or anyone other saw me and then told him... and as i said before i cannot tell him "why wwre you there" as the party was not advertised.

88NUTS: Second choice. He does not want to be friend. Au contraire.

PWRBARBOY: Thanks for your post. (BIG HUG) I really really appreciated it! )

CTBOYWANDER: I didn't tell him I'm gay! Where did I write this?

LOOSELIAM: Good point. I am trying to ignore him in fact.

KYANIMAL: No they do not matter that much; I am learning in these days to ignore the comments or the laugh and concentrate 1 on what i have to do and study and 2 to the people who show me support.

BACKPAPER: I could understand your idea "they are stressing you so yo come out. They do not want harm you"... but it is not like this. They are making fun of this. And yep i may think the one who spotted me is at least bisexual. I wil tell you later. And no I will not avoid going to another party if they organise it again. I cannot and don't want my life to be ruled by others!!

SEVEN SINS: Yep I am still denying.

SCIMITAR: Thank for the support!

 

[new86]

So the last events: the guy who spotted me seemed nervous the last days... everything wrong was a reason to say bad words to God and so on... then something happened

To understand what happend must explain how our atelier at school is divided: it is one big room and we divided it by 2; one part has tables facing the wall, the beamer and so on, so that we can have normal school lessons; the other one has tables put one facing the other in some "islands" so we can be more talkative in the atelier work.

The chairs are not enough for both spaces: so when we have lesson we bring them to the" lesson zone" and the put them back at the individual tables. No one OWNS a chair, we always change the specific chair.

So last day I took a chair, brang it to the lesson zone and when lesson was off I was sitting with a friend of mine to do a work together when the guy who spotted me came to me shouting "(unspokenable words) GOD (bla bla) GIMME MY CHAIR NOW!" I was sure he was joking, so i was evasive and after he said it again i told him "you can take it by yourself!". Then he came closer, pushed me back with his hand on my chest and shouted that again. I saw his eyes: he was furious. So i realized he was NOT joking and i started to fear. him.. I mean he was so close and is twice bigger as me.. so i thought to stay and keep him calm. I was also SURPRISED by this reaction so I asked him "Hey are you talking serious?" And he said "YES (unpeakeable word) GOD!" So i said "but it is just a chair, nothing much...". In response he took my writing case and put it into the rubbish. I got it back and said nothing.

The day after someone took up the argument and i told him loudly in front of others "hey can we speak about that?" and he said aggressively "NO, DON'T TALK TO ME, DON?T EVEN LOOK AT ME"

Today again, when his best friend asked us to make peace. I said i was not interested; i lost respect of him etc." And he said to me commenting that "ASSHOLE" or something like that.

So WHY DID HE DO THIS?
Do you agree it was not a big deal to shout at someone and push him?
First he puts me in the centre of the attention as the gay guy, then he is aggressive and angry with me? I DID NOTHING TO HIM!!!!!

what do you think? my idea may be that he is gay or bisexual and realized that telling me he saw me at the party should come back to him soon or after... and he is scared... is this possible? Or is he just crazy, stupid, out of mind..?

thanks to everyone for the ideas/support and sorry if my english is incorrect. Italian is my mother tongue. And please, send me a PM to correct my mistakes