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Outed by a classmate

Shystud86 said:
So guys I ask here if you have some suggestions because this is a topic I never though I had to deal with; by that I mean that I always kept divided my "gay" life with school or so, unless lately for a classmate with i became friends with and I told him about me.

So a couple of weeks ago I went to this gay party not far from home; on the next monday a classmate asked me what I did on weekend and I lied about the place I've been but i said i was out to disco.. this was a bad idea because he kept saying "it seems to me I saw you, you were wearing bla bla" and I told him it could not be me, he was confusing me with someone else... anyway it's for sure he told another classmate who then continuously asked "ah really, you were (the place i said I've been)?" and now sometimes comes up asking questions (like today, we were presenting projects of different architets and he asked me again where i was that saturday and then "ain't it hot this one architect? do you like him?" and other crazy questions).

Now I'm a bit confused and don't know what to do... I mean I am not willing to let anyone know about me, as i said i always kept this part of me untold... I mean in the whole class not everyone knows or cares... I also know the second guy is really stupid and careless as he also was pulling the leg of other people and acting sometimes very childish (he's 22 by the way).

On the other hand I wanted to speak with the guy who apparently saw me... Why was he at a gay party in a place usually closed to public? (it was a disco but it is now used just for special events > He could not be there by mistake). Why did he felt right to speak with other people? The problem is that I am not sure he will be comprehensive, I fear that speaking with him will let the situation go even worse by confirming I was there...

I know I should ignore the comments, in fact they are poor guys if need to make some kind of comments, isn't it? But I am not the type, I like taking position (no pun intended!) even when the discussions in class are based on racism (lots of people in my class hate black guys and so on)... And I don't want to be the one being submitted to these people. I just don't know how to do it.... And I remember well last week when we were in lyon, france for a trip and while we were on the bus a gay couple was walking by the street and kissed... i remember the hateful comments of lots of my classmates and this is sooo bad! :(

help please!
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As someone who lives part of the year in Switzerland (and I have been to Lugano and love it there!), I have to say that I am surprised that you are going through this there. I have witnessed several gay tourists who visit there, as well as the general fact that many entertainers and celebrities (many of whom, I would imagine, are also gay) flock there all of the time. (It is why Lugano is called the Svizzera Monte-Carlo). I frankly expected a more open-minded attitude from the younger generation there.

That being said, my advice to you would be to address the issue. I have found in my experience that these controversies do not die but rather go sotto terra as it were and people simply begin reaching their own conclusions about you, but rather behind your back and without your necessarily becoming aware of it until too late.

Your not responding will not stop them speaking. I would therefore address the issue with the person who is causing all of the trouble in the first place. As you yourself stated, what was he doing there himself, right? I would imagine that he has just as much to lose as you seem to feel that you do, if he were to be "outed" as having been to that disco, so he will have to keep any conversation you have with him quiet and between the two of you. It also would not hurt for you to simply ask him to keep it between the two of you. The direct approach works far better and in far more cases than sometimes we like to give it credit for.

Anyway, I believe that if you were to discuss the events which transpired in an open and honest fashion, you might be able to nip this in the bud, as it were.

As a postscript, the racism you describe amongst your classmates surprises me as well, as I really assumed that younger people were more liberal and open-minded. They seem so in Genève, at least...

I was in Switzerland during the 2007 Swiss Federal Council election and remember with horror the SVP/UDC "Black Sheep" campaign posters, so racism amongst the right wing elements of the Swiss does not surprise me. I just thought the young would be impervious to such populist drivel. Sadly, it appears that I am wrong...
 
Shystud86 said:
So the last events: the guy who spotted me seemed nervous the last days... everything wrong was a reason to say bad words to God and so on... then something happened

To understand what happend must explain how our atelier at school is divided: it is one big room and we divided it by 2; one part has tables facing the wall, the beamer and so on, so that we can have normal school lessons; the other one has tables put one facing the other in some "islands" so we can be more talkative in the atelier work.

The chairs are not enough for both spaces: so when we have lesson we bring them to the" lesson zone" and the put them back at the individual tables. No one OWNS a chair, we always change the specific chair.

So last day I took a chair, brang it to the lesson zone and when lesson was off I was sitting with a friend of mine to do a work together when the guy who spotted me came to me shouting "(unspokenable words) GOD (bla bla) GIMME MY CHAIR NOW!" I was sure he was joking, so i was evasive and after he said it again i told him "you can take it by yourself!". Then he came closer, pushed me back with his hand on my chest and shouted that again. I saw his eyes: he was furious. So i realized he was NOT joking and i started to fear. him.. I mean he was so close and is twice bigger as me.. so i thought to stay and keep him calm. I was also SURPRISED by this reaction so I asked him "Hey are you talking serious?" And he said "YES (unpeakeable word) GOD!" So i said "but it is just a chair, nothing much...". In response he took my writing case and put it into the rubbish. I got it back and said nothing.

The day after someone took up the argument and i told him loudly in front of others "hey can we speak about that?" and he said aggressively "NO, DON'T TALK TO ME, DON?T EVEN LOOK AT ME"

Today again, when his best friend asked us to make peace. I said i was not interested; i lost respect of him etc." And he said to me commenting that "ASSHOLE" or something like that.

So WHY DID HE DO THIS?
Do you agree it was not a big deal to shout at someone and push him?
First he puts me in the centre of the attention as the gay guy, then he is aggressive and angry with me? I DID NOTHING TO HIM!!!!!

what do you think? my idea may be that he is gay or bisexual and realized that telling me he saw me at the party should come back to him soon or after... and he is scared... is this possible? Or is he just crazy, stupid, out of mind..?

thanks to everyone for the ideas/support and sorry if my english is incorrect. Italian is my mother tongue. And please, send me a PM to correct my mistakes :)
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I am sorry you are going through this. In my opinion, this fellow could very easily simply have a crush on you and not know what to do about it. I have experienced a few times in my younger days the animosity and even hatred of people who were attracted to me and did not know how to deal with it. One guy at my school would threaten to kick my ass on an almost weekly basis for no particular reason at all. I suspect now that he had other feelings for me that he simply did not know how to deal with.

And as a postscript:

Tu scrivi inglese molto bene. Non scuso. Desidero che ho potuto scrivere in italiano così come tu scrive in inglese.
 
It is quite likely that he was at the party from the sound of it. Is it at all possible that he was just wondering around the area?

I think he was trying to make you to get back to him cos he was certain that he saw you, or so it seems. He did the whole chair thing to draw your attention.

Perhaps you should tell him "I don't know what has gotten into you but I wasn't at whatever place you said you saw me. Stop calling me gay" or something along the line.

The thing is if you keep denying the fact and he bumps into you at a gay place in the future, you'll not only be outed but also be labelled as a liar. What will happen if he confront you in a gay party next time?
 
He sounds like an angry person and I personally would stay away from him cause he sounds like he could just go crazy at any time and there's not telling what he might do.
 
spencer said:
He sounds like an angry person and I personally would stay away from him cause he sounds like he could just go crazy at any time and there's not telling what he might do.
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Exactly, I am staying away from him because if someone is having such reaction for just a chair he may go crazy anytime.
 
Chalchalero said:
As someone who lives part of the year in Switzerland (and I have been to Lugano and love it there!), I have to say that I am surprised that you are going through this there. I have witnessed several gay tourists who visit there, as well as the general fact that many entertainers and celebrities (many of whom, I would imagine, are also gay) flock there all of the time. (It is why Lugano is called the Svizzera Monte-Carlo). I frankly expected a more open-minded attitude from the younger generation there.
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Man in you live in CH you'll know we are a federation of 26 states... this means each one has a different culture and way of thinking. Ticino is WAY bigot, superficial, xenophobe and so on. So don't be surprised!

You tell me to speak with him... I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. I Wanted to, but how can I considering he seems to hate me, I fear he may go crazy and HIT ME. And anyway he is not intelligent as he seemed. He is just an ass and I don't speak with such people... my open up may be a confirmation for him it was really me, and then he may have more reasons to stress me as I TOLD HIM...

A CHRUSH on me? naaaaaa impossible, and even if it is right, he is totally stupid to shout that "I don't have to speak to him, even look at him".

The problem is that he had a pointless reaction, but nobody in the class is condamning that. His buddies say "he was right" so there is no one who can make him think back to what he did.



FOR 10881088
"The thing is if you keep denying the fact and he bumps into you at a gay place in the future, you'll not only be outed but also be labelled as a liar. What will happen if he confront you in a gay party next time?"

No problem, I don't mind if he sees me again. And it is not important if he thinks I'm a liar. In fact I AM SURE HE IS AN ASS. Fullstop.

Pupi18
Exactly I will ignore him. I just would like to tell him in face how much he is an ass, but i cannot do it... as I said he is way bigger than me.
 
In 2 and a half year it was the first time... he was usually a kind guy, not complicated in relating with others and i thought he was a good person as he never spoke bad about anyone. He also seemed and was one with whom you could have a seriuos conversation. This is because I was very surprised by his reaction. Anyway it is some days before the "chair case" that he seemed nervous...
 
ZEUS i wanted to aswer to your PM but the system says you decided not to receive PM... so i answer to you here, as nothing personal will be said:

Hi Zeus, thanks a lot for your message i really appreciate this! And of course your experiences (for which I am really sorry!). I also think he is not fancing me as someone said.

Well if I was sure he was at that party, I woudl clearly ask him on front of others why he was there.. but I am not sure, i don't know exactly what he said.. so I uderstand why nations have their CIA, KGB and so on.. to win you ahve to know well your enemy ;)

Talking with the teachers would no be a goo idea... I mean, 2 weeks ago we were in lyon, france, for school trip. We had a little bus-car accident (nothing serious) and the driver was a algerian boy (in france lots of people come from algeria) so had darked skin. In the bus there were LOTS and LOTS of xenophomic comments. Then a agy couple passed on the streed and kissed. Again lots of homophobic comments there were 2 teachers, theri wives, an assistent with her boyfriend, the son of a teacher and his fiancèe... NO ONE TOLD ANYTHING!!!! just the wife of a teahcer looked back with surprised eyes but nothing less, I, from me, got out of the bus saying passing near the teacher "I better go out i cannot stand thse comments anymore". No one told anything to teach there assholes how to respect people. So... bad idea :((((



To PUPI: when ignoring them, i just continue doing what i am doing without raising up my head... as if they were not speaking :)))
 
thanks pupi, you are a cool guy too ;)

(also other people here.. thanks to everyone :)
 
1. I think he likes you.

2. Just come out. Unless homosexuality is illegal or there has been recent violence against GLBT folk, it's usually not nearly as big a deal as you imagine it to be. (*8*)
 
why do you think he likes me? and why would he act like he did if he likes me? he must want the best for me, not outing me or shouting at me right?
 
Some people have weird ways of showing affection. The truth is, he's acting like this because you denied being seen in the party.

I don't think you should come out if you don't want to but I wouldn't suggest ignoring him like he doesn't exist at all.

A few just back, another guy started pestering me 24/7 for no reasons. I was so annoyed after telling him to leave me alone numerous times and decided to ignore him, acting as if he was transparent to my sight. Somehow, he ended up telling one of my friends that he really hate me when he was drunk at a party after that.
 
10881088 said:
Some people have weird ways of showing affection.
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Ha ha. Ain't that the truth!

People who have very strong emotions toward you either love you or hate you. Since he has no reason to hate you, he probably has strong feelings for you (or at least wanted you to confirm your attendance at that party, so you could talk about being gay together).
 
I wouldn't jump into conclusion that he has feelings for you. That is possible, but it could also be that he just wanted to confirm to (mostly) himself that he knows your biggest secret you're hiding from everyone else and therefore he has something over you.

If I were you I would treat him like everyone else as if nothing had happened. If he needs to talk, then talk, but just tell him that you weren't there and he won't get another answer if he asks again. He might clam down and be back to normal soon.

Closeted kid who makes homophobic jokes and calls people out isn't rare.
 
"SAYMYNAME: Not everybodu MUST come out. You should get into my shoes maybe and you'll understand that."


Wrong! It is absolutely essential that everyone come out. How the hell do you think Gay Liberation started? I came out when I was 16/17 in a redneck small town dominated by Christians and Republicans. Grow a pair!
 
Perhaps it occurred to him belatedly that by admitting to having seen you at the party you could draw the obvious conclusion about him.

By picking a fight with you, he may be hoping to discredit anything you could say about him because the others in your class would think you're just saying it to get back at him.

Whatever, his reaction is very immature; I hope you can just laugh him off.
 
I think it is an awful lot of drama over the event.

After all this time, it seems like you are somehow ashamed that you're gay.

You certainly seem to care too much about what your immature classmates think.

Just ignore them.
 
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