Outgoing gay flatmate

[crubbed]

Hey there.

I moved into a new apartment on August 31st where I met this guy. As soon as I met him I knew he was gay. His name is Alex, he's 19 (I'm 22) and he's just moving out. We've spent these two weeks chatting occasionally and getting to know each other.

I kinda like him. He's not handsome, and he's not very mainly, but he's not girlish either. Anyway what I really like about him is the way he interacts with people. He always keeps a smile on his face and he's friendly with everybody. He doesn't get intimidated very easily, I think. What I don't like about him is that he's quite self-centred.

I started developing something I think. I don't know. I really feel bad when I think he'll move out pretty soon. He doesn't know I play for his team too, I think he supposes I'm straight. He doesn't really hide the fact that he's gay, he is just not too explicit about it and it's fine. He's totally out. And he assumed I kinda understood that and it was fine by me.

What should I do?

He likes me on a 'lets be friends' level, and I don't know what I feel for him. We've been living together for a couple of weeks, and it's not like we were together 24/7. There's an old Spanish saying that says 'No dejes de buscar lo que amas, o acabaràs por enamorarte de lo que encuentras'. If you stop looking for what you love, you'll end up loving what you happen to find. I think that's my situation. I gave up on love a long time ago, and even engaged in pretty unhealthy situations to fulfill that need. In fact, I am closeted and I never had any experience with men. Probably this is just a case of falling in love with the opportunity, you know. I doubt there could be anything between us. He has quite the social life, whereas I am a workaholic (which is isolating me from the rest of the world).

We've agreed we will watch a movie together tonight. I've even decided I'll give him a book of mine as a present, and a music CD with some of my favorite songs before he leaves. Is that the right chance to talk to him about it? I don't want to freak him out. I'd love for us to be friends someday. Maybe he could introduce me to the 'gay world' (?!).

 

[rareboy]

Oh for the love of mike.

So tell him you're gay. He probably knows already.

Watch with the presents though, it can be a little strange for some guys to get these crush tokens if they don't feel the same way about you.

Friendship is based on shared experiences and a compatibility of spirit and interests; even if your outlook on the world is not the same.

When he moves in a couple of weeks, don't stress if he doesn't keep up the friendship. sometimes the most memorable people are those we know for only a fleeting moment.

 

[KaraBulut]

Instead of focusing on giving him gifts when he leaves, do something clearer- tell him you are glad to have met him, you're sorry that you didn't have more time to get to know each other better and give him your contact information.

 

[1091MAC]

I would hold off on the gifts. It's way too early for that even if he does like you.

 

[crubbed]

Hey guys.

You're right about the gifts. But they're not really gifts. I mean, they're like 'Oh, I read this book, I think you would love it. You can keep it'. And about the CD-- he'll start classes of Spanish this semester, so it's Spanish songs I love and that's it. I thought it would be neat, I won't be melodramatic.

I haven't told him any lies, and I don't plan to. Sure, you could say I didn't tell him I was gay, but I didn't tell him I was straight either. He never asked. I did not sneak into his room or anything. Not that I wouldn't put it past myself. I can be quite crazy at times. But the thing is that in these past few months I've done a few bad things, which filled my life with so much negative energy. I feel I'm on a redemption path right now, and I'm committed to following the rules. I don't want to engage in self-destructive behaviour. I want to be a good fellah.

Plus - it's not like I'm crazy about him sexually, he's not my type at all. I wouldn't sniff his underwear, nor do I take a peak at his package when he's almost naked. The thing about him is that he makes me smile everytime I see him. And I am a melancholic person, so I just know I'll feel sad when I see his room empty.

I've decided I will not confess my 'feelings'. I don't even know if there are feelings! I could just be clingin to the only guy I've met in what seems like a lifetime. My job forces me to lock up myself away from the rest of the world. Now back to my 'confession': that would feel so rushed. I would confess only because I feel the pressure that he is leaving and that will be it. I hope we'll have a good time with the movie.

 

[spencer]

Two things that stick out. You're 22 and you've given up on love a long time ago? Life is far from over. A better outlook is to just be happy being you and if love comes around be open to it. Seriously, you're only 22.

The other one is that you hope you can be friends after he moves. This isn't a relationship. Long distance friendships work. It's not like once he leaves the front door all his frienships will change. You watch movies together, you're already in the hanging out as friend stage. Why will this change? Can you still not hang out and watch a movie together as friends?

Just say, hey, where are you moving to, let me know when you're settled in so we can hang out again (exchange numbers) and say, I hope some dirtbag doesn't move in, in your place and joke about it.

You're making this way to complicated. You don't even have to have your feeling sorted out for you guys to continue to hang out and be friends. And btw, hang on to the non-masculine gay guy with a positive outlook on life and a good attitude (seems like a rarity these days)

 

[Just_Believe18]

Here you have a person who would understand you coming out to them more than any other person you probably know. Why not test the waters and just tell him, "I will miss you when you go. I admire you for the confidence you have in being yourself and who you are. It inspires me to be more accepting of my own sexuality and who I am as a person. Thank you."

I believe he'd be very touched by your earnestness, and you would be all the better for sharing your feelings with a friend rather than us faceless strangers on the internet.

By the way, can't you keep in contact with each other afterwards? Is he moving far away? I don't see why you can't be friends and hang out outside of living together.

 

[crubbed]

Hey guys.

So, we watched 2 movies yesterday. We were in my bedroom, on my bed. He put his head on my pillow, we were very close. I enjoyed those moments, although I think the movies bored him. The first one was Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Totally blah if you ask me, but he didn't mind it. The second was a Spanish gay themed comedy, Fuera De Carta. It was funny, I recommend it to you. He loved it and we laughed.

I enjoyed those moments of intimacy deeply. At the end, I gave him my presents and he was flattered. Then it was just too late and we had to go to bed. He has an exam today, I have to work, and then I'll have a couple exams too this week, and in the meantime I'll have to work work work.

I did not come out to him, I read your posts too late. I deeply regret it. He is leaving this evening (it's his last day here), and I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye to him. God, I would have loved to spend the night with him, just cuddling.

I opted not to open up to him because I realized he does not like me. I mean, he enjoys my company, but that's pretty much it. He's a very self-centred person, he's all about theatre and art and he can't think of anything else. Me on the other hand, I'm all about work, my career and stuff. But I'm open to listen to other people and their stories - which he does not do.

So, my career is brilliant but at the expense of my personal life. The night I spent with him was the first night of freedom I had in like 2 weeks. And then again I should have studied, but I didn't. That's why I'm so eager to fall in love. It's easy for me. I can find characteristics I like in many guys. It helps that I don't have aesthetic standards, I do not care about that. The thing is -- in this economy, it doesn't feel right to say no to work when it comes. I just take it all, but I probably can't really afford it. I'm just one person. As a result, I don't get to know many people... And as soon as I meet a normal guy, I develop unknown feelings.

I'll be working from my room today, and I don't want to go out and say goodbye to him. I'll let him think I'm out. I know, it's not right. But I'm afraid of my reaction.

Sure, we can hang out in the future (if my schedule lets me). But what I really needed was someone at home, you know. Someone I could look forward to when coming back. In a way it is disturbing, because I would use this person to be happy. And then it would become unhealthy. It's just that I tend to be very melanchonic and depressed when I'm alone, whereas I am a joy to be with when I'm in company.

I should have come out to him yesterday, I know. I just thought it was my misguided self acting irrationally again. I'm trying hard to clean up my act. Sorry for the long and disjointed post. Thank you for your constant help.

PS. Hey, Ghost of MoltenRock. You remember me LOL. Yeah, I realized I was the cause of my own problems. No more self-destructive behaviour and bad karma for me, I hope. I recently came out to my best girl friend and she was very happy that I chose her. I felt very good after it happened. I feel I'm on a journey.

 

[crubbed]

Hey...

I followed your advice, I dashed out and told him goodbye (sort of). It hurts like hell. I've been through worse in life, but these small events still hurt. He immediately noticed something was off with me. He caressed my face and then put a hand on my shoulder. He was so sweet, he made me fall for him all the more.

Still I haven't told him anything. What would be the point really? I would look ridiculous. I miss him already, and the thought of his room empty but with his perfume... it's awful.

You might be right GoMR. My work is probably my shelter. But I can't live without it, I mean...

I don't know. I feel I have a thousand words I want to pour out to him but I can't. I wish it would have gone differently.

 

[fetaby]

]

Hey...

I followed your advice, I dashed out and told him goodbye (sort of). It hurts like hell. I've been through worse in life, but these small events still hurt. He immediately noticed something was off with me. He caressed my face and then put a hand on my shoulder. He was so sweet, he made me fall for him all the more.That is sweet.

Still I haven't told him anything. What would be the point really?The least it would do is ease your mind, the most open up the friendship to a new level. I would look ridiculous.Nah. I miss him already, and the thought of his room empty but with his perfume... it's awful. If you miss him, text him and let him know. People want/crave attention. Don't be psycho about it, but assert yourself.

You might be right GoMR. My work is probably my shelter. But I can't live without it, I mean...Sit down with pen and paper, look over your bills, your income, plan some goals, what are you working for if you don't have time to enjoy life. Find a balance, and move forward.

I don't know. I feel I have a thousand words I want to pour out to him but I can't. I wish it would have gone differently.

And this is the crux. He represented something you feel you are missing. If, for some reason, he can't help you, you've got to help yourself. You're smart, driven, and ambitious. It looks like you're poised to make leaps. It's exciting to see, and I'm glad I read this thread. My one recommendation, learn how to say no. No to overworking. No to stiffling your feelings. No to unanswered questions. No to ignoring yourself. Covey, 7 habits of highly successful people. Good stuff.

Here's wishing you the best.

 

[rareboy]

I don't know. I feel I have a thousand words I want to pour out to him but I can't. I wish it would have gone differently.

There that wasn't so hard now was it?

Who knows, maybe he'll keep in touch.

 

[briefboy86]

maybe your paths will cross sometime and it will be all the better and when you do see him again, you could say "hey remember that nite we watched that movie, i really enjoyed your company "

 

[spencer]

Once you get over the grief, maybe you'll see how good of a friend he was and want to see him again. After all, he made time for you (and so did you for him). I think that's what friendships are all about.

 

[crubbed]

Thank you for your words guys. This forum has really helped me through the years. What you all said was right and yesterday afternoon I was already over with my grief.

In the evening he (his name is Alex) texted me. 'Hey.. why were you so sad? i was sorry to see you like that.. is it because you are so sensitive...as i am? '
I thought it was super sweet. I don't know if the 'sensitive' part was a metaphor for 'being gay' LOL just kidding. I was very happy to receive it. I texted him back:
'Hey.. your text made me very happy. Yeah, i think we share more than one thing.. you know, i didn't expect it to happen, but it did.. i hope we'll have a chance to talk about it in person one of these days. have a good night sleep in your nu home '
Was it too long? LOL who cares. I was very happy, and you know what? it's better that he left. I mean, a few years ago I lived with a guy I liked and the situation turned into hell. Like 'why is he closing the door? why is he shutting down?' and shit (to say the least). I'm just glad I met him.

 

[fetaby]

And I'm glad you met him too.
Betcha he texts back with a time or place to meet.

 

[crubbed]

Thank you for your words fetaby, and for your previous post as well. This thread is packed with sentences I want to write down and keep in mind. I know some of you great guys are frustrated with posters who don't seem to get the message. Well, I'm not one of them, so again, thank you.

I have decided that the next time I see Alex --if I still feel like it, and if the circumstances agree with me-- I'll tell him. After all, what's the problem? I just developed some feelings for a guy I thought was special. I don't know whether it's love or affection. But in any case it is a beautiful thing.

I know that yesterday's text probably doesn't mean anything for us, and I am incredibly fine with that. But at least it means that he's not a shallow guy after all, and that he's sweet and kind of deserving of love. He won't laugh at me, and probably he won't even reject my friendship abruptly. So that's a great achievement for me.

If he dismisses my feelings, I'll take it with phylosophy. It's not a big deal, really. At least I'm happy that this time I've developed feelings for someone worthy of my time, at least worthier than any other of my past crushes.

You guys are also right about my schedule. It is very tight but I have the obligation to find some space for me. I realized it is just an excuse. There have been times where I had nothing to do, and guess what. I did not go out and have fun, I preferred staying at home watching a primetime drama or something. So that's my tendency. From now on my priorities will be:
1) work
2) private life
3) studying.
Here's hoping it'll get me far.

 

[fetaby]

Thank you for your words fetaby, and for your previous post as well. This thread is packed with sentences I want to write down and keep in mind. I know some of you great guys are frustrated with posters who don't seem to get the message. Well, I'm not one of them, so again, thank you.Eh, if people don't get me I make a joke and move on, so thaks for the thanks.

I have decided that the next time I see Alex --if I still feel like it, and if the circumstances agree with me-- I'll tell him. After all, what's the problem? I just developed some feelings for a guy I thought was special. I don't know whether it's love or affection. But in any case it is a beautiful thing. Atta boy.

I know that yesterday's text probably doesn't mean anything for us, and I am incredibly fine with that. But at least it means that he's not a shallow guy after all, and that he's sweet and kind of deserving of love. He won't laugh at me, and probably he won't even reject my friendship abruptly. So that's a great achievement for me.Could it be that in the short time you've known him, he acted self centered and me orientated, to attract you. People and peacocks both put on their best colors.

If he dismisses my feelings, I'll take it with phylosophy. It's not a big deal, really. At least I'm happy that this time I've developed feelings for someone worthy of my time, at least worthier than any other of my past crushes.And it only gets better from here, as long as your honest with yourself.

You guys are also right about my schedule. It is very tight but I have the obligation to find some space for me. I realized it is just an excuse. There have been times where I had nothing to do, and guess what. I did not go out and have fun, I preferred staying at home watching a primetime drama or something. So that's my tendency. From now on my priorities will be:
1) work
2) private life
3) studying.
Here's hoping it'll get me far.

Whoa there, slow down studly. Before you make any life altering changes to your schedule, know there is nothing wrong with being a homebody. The bars and clubs and such aren't for everyone. If watching that lifetime movie of the week is what you want to do, then do that. They play those movies for a reason. You're still in school, it's important. Don't do anything to fuck up what you've got going there. Take it from somebody who knows the importance of a degree and a goal in life. To shift your personal development up above a studious nature could be a mistake. I don't know, and don't have time right now to go to in depth like I would like. I will return later tonight. Until then, great days.

 

[spencer]

It seems a little polarized like everything is all or nothing. I like your passion but try to be a little more even keeled.

I'm so happy he texted you, it means you did everything right cause he came back for more (friendship).

Just be careful not to obsess over guys and be careful not to interpret their every move as a good or bad thing in your life. The example that you gave, of someone closing the door and you feeling bad. Sometimes a closed door is just that, a closed door. Nothing more nothing less.

Congrats.

 

[crubbed]

Could it be that in the short time you've known him, he acted self centered and me orientated, to attract you. People and peacocks both put on their best colors.

Uhm no... He yawned when I talked to him about my work, or he would look at his cellphone and stuff. We're not on the same planet, he doesn't even get my jokes. But we must connect on some level, otherwise I wouldn't like him unless I'm extremely needy.

know there is nothing wrong with being a homebody. The bars and clubs and such aren't for everyone. If watching that lifetime movie of the week is what you want to do, then do that. They play those movies for a reason

Well, it's not like I want to go clubbing... I'm just tired of saying no to my friends when they ask me out, even though I would enjoy being with them.

When I was a teenager my mother was so protective of me that she would give me a hard time everytime I left home. She had health problems, so eventually I decided I would stay at home to make her happy. You wouldn't believe it, every time I left the house she would say goodbye to me as if it was the last time she would see me (you know, because of accidents, fatalities...). It was quite painful. So I got used to staying at home. And that's what I've become. But the problem is that sometimes a new soul comes by, and 'he' makes me see my life as dull, monotonous and something noone would ever wish to have. It happened when I finished high school with a guy who I thought took an interest in me, and I became the party boy.

Just be careful not to obsess over guys and be careful not to interpret their every move as a good or bad thing in your life. The example that you gave, of someone closing the door and you feeling bad. Sometimes a closed door is just that, a closed door. Nothing more nothing less.

You're right about that. Sometimes I just don't find the measure. I have a tendency to obsess over guys, but I hope this excepcion will pave the way for the future.

I haven't seen Alex or heard from him in two days. I've been very busy (duh!!!!!!). I don't know if my feelings strenghtened or not in this period of time. Am I starting to daydream about him? Who knows. But he is supposedly going to swing by one of these days to pick up a few things. I'll stick to my plan to come out to him in that circumstance.

 

[fetaby]

Uhm no... He yawned when I talked to him about my work, or he would look at his cellphone and stuff. We're not on the same planet, he doesn't even get my jokes. But we must connect on some level, otherwise I wouldn't like him unless I'm extremely needy.Nah, you could be overthinking it. You two are obviously on different levels. If you talked to me about your work, I'd probably find it dull too. Work discussions are seldom very interesting unless the story applies in some fashion to the person your telling it too. Unless your job is an exciting adventurous one, and even then people might not be interested. Is it possible that he doesn't get your jokes, but wants too? He'd have to answer that.




Well, it's not like I want to go clubbing... I'm just tired of saying no to my friends when they ask me out, even though I would enjoy being with them.And that is healthy. If you don't need the money, spend your time with friends.

When I was a teenager my mother was so protective of me that she would give me a hard time everytime I left home. She had health problems, so eventually I decided I would stay at home to make her happy. You wouldn't believe it, every time I left the house she would say goodbye to me as if it was the last time she would see me (you know, because of accidents, fatalities...). It was quite painful. So I got used to staying at home. And that's what I've become. But the problem is that sometimes a new soul comes by, and 'he' makes me see my life as dull, monotonous and something noone would ever wish to have. It happened when I finished high school with a guy who I thought took an interest in me, and I became the party boy.It is unfortunate that you didn't get to spread your wings in your teen years, the same happened to me. But my isolation was self imposed out of fear. And I also went through that party guy phase. But at the end of the day, you are who you are. It's how you feel about it that's important. It's easy to say just be yourself, but few people know what that actually means. To me it's not ignoring your feelings and instincts, and learning how to listen to your true desires. Do not betray yourself for the sake of others, it should not be that a "soul" could affect you in what I percieved to be a negative fashion. If you are truly unhappy with the decisions you make, it's a simple enough fix. Do what you want to do.




You're right about that. Sometimes I just don't find the measure. I have a tendency to obsess over guys, but I hope this excepcion will pave the way for the future.

I haven't seen Alex or heard from him in two days. I've been very busy (duh!!!!!!). I don't know if my feelings strenghtened or not in this period of time. Am I starting to daydream about him? Who knows. But he is supposedly going to swing by one of these days to pick up a few things. I'll stick to my plan to come out to him in that circumstance.

Forgive me, I'm half asleep and probably should have waited to post this. You're a smart man. I'm confident that you're able to deal with these situations. It was naive of me to assume otherwise. It is a failing that sometimes I feel like I know someone when I truly don't.