Painfully single, or...??

[LaughOutLoud]

Hi everyone

First of all, thanks to those of you that have given me a nice warm welcome here

I guess this might be a bit more of a rant than anything else, but bear with me. I'm not even sure if I've posted this in the correct section...

So, I'm recently single. Literally just changed ye olde Facebook relationship status tonight.

I was with him for just over a year. I know what you're thinking - so what!? I was (and still am) crazy about him. As you have probably worked out - it wasn't my decision for us to break up.

Before him I was with my ex for 4 and a half years (there was around 18 months between relationships).

Here's my problem:

Before my first boyfriend, I'd only ever been in relationships with girls that I knew were going nowhere because I knew deep down inside that I was gay - nothing serious, I was still in my teens. I hadn't been in a relationship with anyone for about 5 years before I met him. I was fine with the single life. Enjoyed it even.

So I go out with him for 4 years, he ends up shitting all over my heart and we break up. I'm single for 18 months but this time - I HATE IT. It was the worst 18 months of my life. I actually attempted suicide twice in the first 12 months. Why so bad? I hated being alone. I have my own place, and whilst none of my 2 ex boyfriends have committed to it, financially, they were always here. Yeah, I have a tonne of friends but they all have boyfriends/girlfriends etc. I can't expect to see them all the time.

Fast forward to relationship 2 and now I'm getting ready to go through all that again. Except this time it's worse - all my friends have now bought their own places, very recently. So it's even more difficult for me to expect them to want to hang out with their one single friend.

I'm a very friendly person and get on with just about anyone, there's just one "scene" I've never fit into - the gay scene. I just don't get on that well with gays (in my city, anyway). Both my exes were bin into the gay scene, had lots of gay friends (and thus lots of single friends) but it was never anything I was into. I'm on day 4 of being single and I already feel like this crushing feeling of being alone all the time is coming back - and to be quite frank, the thought terrifies me.

Which is why I've decided to start posting here - if anything, it will fill time for me at night. It will keep my mind off of things.

My question is - those of you what are single and happy. How?

I am just not used to being single anymore, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know how to cook for one person - everything in the shop is sold as being portions for 2 people or more. I'm usually really passionate about cooking and love trying out different things, but now that I'm single, I just don't give a shit

So, here's what I need. I need the positives of being single.

I'm such a fun, "bubbly" (I hate that word) character, I shouldn't NEED someone else in my life - but I yearn for company so bad when I'm single, it becomes unbearable

 

[DigitalFudge]

What is the gay scene though? Doing Meth and catching Hepatitis?

Lord I cannot wait for my generation to do away with that........ Then again...... I think they enjoy it too.

Tbh I have never met a gay guy who hasn't said "I'm not into the gay scene". Then again, I roll in a bit different crowds.


I'm single sis and I don't feel any of those emotions. I can't even sit here and rationalize them. You are literally not alone.



I honestly don't know what's wrong with you but I hope you stay here on JUB. It's fun.

 

[LaughOutLoud]

What is the gay scene though? Doing Meth and catching Hepatitis?

I literally have ZERO gay friends. All of my friends are straight.

My experience of gays in the past are that they're coming on to me (perhaps untrue, but a fair comment on the gays I've met...), and I'm not a sleep around type of guy. At the ripe old age of 26, I'm past the one night stand stage of my life.

 

[subsonic]

Well, I might not be the right person to post to this thread, as I don't categorize myself as a "happy, single". DOn't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything like that, I just don't care much for my singlehood. As a matter of fact, I'm actually pretty sick of it. I don't see how people think it is "fun" to be single. But that's another story.

What I will say is, that what is good about being single is that you can spend your time on fully evolving yourself. If you've ever wanted to learn a particular thing or take up dance classes or whatever,it is a good time to do it when your single. You simply have to get to a place where your single status becomes, if not comfortable than at least acceptable. I intend on spending my time as single on developing myself as a human being and evolve and develop. Work on being the best version of myself that I can be and go out and have good experiences. Then one day, I'll hopefully be the best guy I can be for someone special out there..

Oh, and try to find some friends who are single as well. I thin that helps a lot. Where I currently live, I only have one friend who's single, the rest have boyfriends and it's not always fun when their boys take up so much of their time, one way or another.

Hope it helps in any way. Feel free to send a message if it all becomes too much. I know that being single is not all that it's cracked up to be. We single people gotta stick together.

 

[LaughOutLoud]

Well, I might not be the right person to post to this thread, as I don't categorize myself as a "happy, single". DOn't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or anything like that, I just don't care much for my singlehood. As a matter of fact, I'm actually pretty sick of it. I don't see how people think it is "fun" to be single. But that's another story.

What I will say is, that what is good about being single is that you can spend your time on fully evolving yourself. If you've ever wanted to learn a particular thing or take up dance classes or whatever,it is a good time to do it when your single. You simply have to get to a place where your single status becomes, if not comfortable than at least acceptable. I intend on spending my time as single on developing myself as a human being and evolve and develop. Work on being the best version of myself that I can be and go out and have good experiences. Then one day, I'll hopefully be the best guy I can be for someone special out there..

Oh, and try to find some friends who are single as well. I thin that helps a lot. Where I currently live, I only have one friend who's single, the rest have boyfriends and it's not always fun when their boys take up so much of their time, one way or another.

Hope it helps in any way. Feel free to send a message if it all becomes too much. I know that being single is not all that it's cracked up to be. We single people gotta stick together.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've got a few things careerwise coming up, so work is going to be a lot more interesting - I'm having to travel to different countries etc, so that's pretty cool. On top of that, I've decided now is the time to learn to drive. Yeah, I know - 26 and can't drive. WTF!? I've also joined my local gym, so that might kill some time.

So I do have a few things to work on, I'm just not convinced it's enough to keep my happy/busy. I guess all the single people I know (or know of) enjoy it because they are more inclined to sleep around. That might be their bag, but it ain't mine!

I agree I need more single friends, but if I'm honest, at this age....how do I go about creating, essentially, a new circle of friends? I need to interact with more gay people, if I'm honest. How do I do it without hanging around the local gay bar by myself like some sort of weirdo? LOL!

I have no issue asking my friends out to a gay bar on a night out, it's hard for me to ask my friends to come to a gay bar with me because I aim to create a new circle of friends - that would lead to all kinds of awkward conversations.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm not single, but I guess I'll answer anyway.

I know some people who feel they HAVE to be in a relationship. Which is fine so long as there's a good supply of good people to get into relationships with to draw from. But if not, they'll take anybody who'll say yes, and that's when the real hurt comes from. Back in my single days, my main thought process was "it's never a good time for a bad relationship, but it's never a bad time for a good relationship." I was fine being single, because I knew it was better than being in a crappy relationship, but I kept my eyes open for something good. So when something good came along, I went with it.

If you're the sort of person that needs to be in a relationship, you might want to examine why. Yeah, when it works, it's great. But there's nothing wrong with being single. Do you just feel really lonely all the time? Do you dislike being in your own company, and need other people to sort of avoid that? If so, that'd be something to work on directly. Learning to like yourself enough that you can enjoy being on your own.

What did I do when I was on my own? Worked on myself, mainly. Figured out what might need fixing in my life, and fixing it. Observing others, and deciding what behavior to avoid. Working on my social skills, in non-relationship sorts of ways. Reading a lot. Doing a bunch of activities that I enjoyed, whether or not other people liked them. Practicing cooking (for one), and inviting friends over when I had a recipe down. Cultivating friendships with other people - gay, straight, male, female.

And I'm not sure what the "gay scene" is there. I certainly never went out to the clubs and bars much. But I still met other gay guys (single and partnered) and lesbians. I just go to the gay section of town, go to the shops, start up some conversations. Things follow pretty easily. If you want to get more proactive, and you live in a town of decent size (which you presumably do - there's a "gay scene" there), you might do some searching. Google "gay (your city) (activity)" and see what you come up with. Gay bowling leagues, gay volunteer groups, gay biking clubs, you name it.

So, here's what I need. I need the positives of being single.

I'll let Naughty Arousal fill you on on that.

Lex

 

[subsonic]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've got a few things careerwise coming up, so work is going to be a lot more interesting - I'm having to travel to different countries etc, so that's pretty cool. On top of that, I've decided now is the time to learn to drive. Yeah, I know - 26 and can't drive. WTF!? I've also joined my local gym, so that might kill some time.

So I do have a few things to work on, I'm just not convinced it's enough to keep my happy/busy. I guess all the single people I know (or know of) enjoy it because they are more inclined to sleep around. That might be their bag, but it ain't mine!

I agree I need more single friends, but if I'm honest, at this age....how do I go about creating, essentially, a new circle of friends? I need to interact with more gay people, if I'm honest. How do I do it without hanging around the local gay bar by myself like some sort of weirdo? LOL!

I have no issue asking my friends out to a gay bar on a night out, it's hard for me to ask my friends to come to a gay bar with me because I aim to create a new circle of friends - that would lead to all kinds of awkward conversations.

Oh dear, you never get too old to learn! But it's nice that you're keeping yourself busy. I've actually managed to join a gym as well - go us!

Well, what can I say.. It takes time. But don't fret - eventually you will be happy and busy. I know what you mean - I don't sleep around either and that seems to be the main thing that the majority of single people tend to do. So we have to do even more to keep us busy since we don't have that. It think much of it will come naturally for you. When the ball is rolling, it ain't stoppin'.

Wow, how funny! It seems that you and I are in a very similar situation and I'm only 3 years younger so don't worry. I too need to expand my circle of friends with some gay mates, but I too find it hard to deal with it. I've thought about joining a gymnastics team for gay people only which will start here after the summer I think it is.. Maybe you could check out if there are some gay organizations that you could join? It doesn't have to be sports, it could also be some that does voluntary work, such as for an aids fund or something or something completely different. I think that is a better, or at least easier way, to connect with other gay people. And when you meet one guy, he can introduce you to his mates etc.
The gay bar thing I've always found tricky and I can see how it could be awkward when you wish to make new friends. But if you bring some of your friends, who are good friends with each other as well, it might work, if you're a small group? I don't know..

 

[gaystorm]

Lex: always one step ahead of me.

 

[jensu846]

i am 39 and single. majority of my life I have been that way.. I dated girls in HS, never men, but fooled around with men. I am gay and single and it goes in waves, sometime I really like being alone. examples: jack off whenever and watch porn at will. buying for one, if you wanna be lazy and not see anybody, you dont have too. just less stress overall. Some Bad things about being in a relationship, is (from what I gather) clingyness to you, never being able to get in your car and go, alone, stress, sex can cause stress with signicant other. I find sex while i'm solo is great if you dont want a love connection. I guess its up 2 u. I have major trust issues and will probly be single and ok with that. But very few times in a year, I will watch something with 2 lovers at Cristmas or birthdays,and tears come to my eyes cuz THAT is something I WISH TO FEEL IN MY LIFE AT LEAST ONCE WITH A NICE HOT GUY! ugh, i need a hug now

 

[chrisw87]

How do I deal with being single? I enjoy it, for things always change in a relationship so savor every moment you get with yourself. While it is great to be coupled, it is sometimes for the better that you stay single for a while and 'figure yourself out'.

1. wake up (any time I like, providing I meet my obligations - work/appointments/chores)
2. Eat breakfast (anything I like)
3. Shower, enjoy my time and have some mucho awesome coffee.
4. Fill my day with whatever (work, relaxing, cleaning the house, hobbies)
5. Relax at home afterwords or go out, whatever I feel like doing.
6. Cook whatever I want for dinner. I cook in family/couple sizes naturally, then I can eat as much as I want and have leftovers for lunch.
7. do whatever until I am ready to sleep, or crash on the couch with a movie, at any time that suits me.

Slightly different when you are partnered (usually)

 

[subsonic]

How do I deal with being single? I enjoy it, for things always change in a relationship so savor every moment you get with yourself. While it is great to be coupled, it is sometimes for the better that you stay single for a while and 'figure yourself out'.

1. wake up (any time I like, providing I meet my obligations - work/appointments/chores)
2. Eat breakfast (anything I like)
3. Shower, enjoy my time and have some mucho awesome coffee.
4. Fill my day with whatever (work, relaxing, cleaning the house, hobbies)
5. Relax at home afterwords or go out, whatever I feel like doing.
6. Cook whatever I want for dinner. I cook in family/couple sizes naturally, then I can eat as much as I want and have leftovers for lunch.
7. do whatever until I am ready to sleep, or crash on the couch with a movie, at any time that suits me.

Slightly different when you are partnered (usually)

^^And would you say that you couldn't do these things if you were in a relationship?

 

[LaughOutLoud]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it

I've decided to use my new found singledom to do as a few of you suggested - I'll work on myself. Make myself a better version of what I am now for the next guy

I don't think I have a huge problem with being single, I don't think I need someone in my life - I guess it's just when you first break up with someone, all I can think about is all the gay guys he knows that will be sniffing around now that he's single. He is ridiculously gorgeous and talks to just about every gay guy in our city (he used to work behind the bar at the local gay bar), so I know he has a lot of guys interested in him, but whatever. I suppose I should look at it as he chose to sleep with me for a year instead of any of them

In any case, I'm sure single gays give off some sort of scent. We broke up on Thursday and I've already had 3 gay guys track down my number from mutual friends, now texting me asking how I've been, what's new etc. These are people I've never spoken to in my life

Anyway, enough rambling on from me. I don't wanna depress y'all.

Unless you want to use this thread to discuss how any of you singles out there kill time, then that's cool

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

take you time to get over or come to terms with the demise of your relationship. Don't jump into another quickly. Please don't stress and become jealous who your old bf is dating, that is self destructive and leads to misery. Try to avoid hanging at the same place he may be at the same time for a bit.
Get on your feet and feel self secure about yourself before you venture into old stomping grounds that will trigger memories to flame up again. Loss of relationship is like a death, the similarity is uncanny for the loved one/partner left behind, unless the split was mutual then it can be easier.

ChrisW87 brought up some good points/freedoms about being single that you can do in your own place. No you can't do all those things in a relationship because a relationship is compromise not my way or the highway. For instance I can crank up loud ass music at 2 AM or 8 AM without worrying about bothering my partner or any roomates. Something I would never do or want done by my bf if we were living together.
You don't have to worry if you leave something a mess like the bathroom or kitchen or have anyone to blame it on, its your place. It works well.

Single isn't so bad once you deal with the grief of the loss. Time doesn't take that long to heal on a breakup most of the time and you already have friends calling.

Don't hesitate to go to a club with your straight friends in hope of meeting new gay guys. They would and could do the same to you about a straight club meeting chicks. Would that bother you? I mean if they ditch you, totally ignore ya then of course but that would be very rude of a friend to do.

 

[DigitalFudge]

How do I deal with being single? I enjoy it, for things always change in a relationship so savor every moment you get with yourself. While it is great to be coupled, it is sometimes for the better that you stay single for a while and 'figure yourself out'.

1. wake up (any time I like, providing I meet my obligations - work/appointments/chores)
2. Eat breakfast (anything I like)
3. Shower, enjoy my time and have some mucho awesome coffee.
4. Fill my day with whatever (work, relaxing, cleaning the house, hobbies)
5. Relax at home afterwords or go out, whatever I feel like doing.
6. Cook whatever I want for dinner. I cook in family/couple sizes naturally, then I can eat as much as I want and have leftovers for lunch.
7. do whatever until I am ready to sleep, or crash on the couch with a movie, at any time that suits me.

Slightly different when you are partnered (usually)

Why does any of that have to change with a relationship?

Being single is great, I love it

Me too, sis

 

[geloge]

Not really. Sometimes I need some human contact but for most of the time I'm fine

 

[subsonic]

Not really. Sometimes I need some human contact but for most of the time I'm fine

I can give you that

 

[LaughOutLoud]

take you time to get over or come to terms with the demise of your relationship. Don't jump into another quickly. Please don't stress and become jealous who your old bf is dating, that is self destructive and leads to misery. Try to avoid hanging at the same place he may be at the same time for a bit.
Get on your feet and feel self secure about yourself before you venture into old stomping grounds that will trigger memories to flame up again. Loss of relationship is like a death, the similarity is uncanny for the loved one/partner left behind, unless the split was mutual then it can be easier.

ChrisW87 brought up some good points/freedoms about being single that you can do in your own place. No you can't do all those things in a relationship because a relationship is compromise not my way or the highway. For instance I can crank up loud ass music at 2 AM or 8 AM without worrying about bothering my partner or any roomates. Something I would never do or want done by my bf if we were living together.
You don't have to worry if you leave something a mess like the bathroom or kitchen or have anyone to blame it on, its your place. It works well.

Single isn't so bad once you deal with the grief of the loss. Time doesn't take that long to heal on a breakup most of the time and you already have friends calling.

Don't hesitate to go to a club with your straight friends in hope of meeting new gay guys. They would and could do the same to you about a straight club meeting chicks. Would that bother you? I mean if they ditch you, totally ignore ya then of course but that would be very rude of a friend to do.

Yeah, I'm kinda getting to grips with the whole "I don't have to be with someone" stuff. It's just hard, having known nothing else but that for the last 7 and a half years (with a break in the middle)...

I agree that the loss of a relationship is like a death. I'm just being haunted by it right now because he wants to come round and collect the rest of his stuff when it's convenient FOR HIM! I told him I have plans and I'd let him know when he can come round for it. Not in a stalkerish, I'm stealing your stuff kinda way, just in a way that lets him know I won't drop everything at a whim just for him. Geez.

I'd have no problems going to straight bars with my straight friends so they can pick up guys/chicks. The only problem is that not only do I have zero gay friends, I also have zero single friends :/

But yeah, I'll get used to it. Eventually. Hopefully.

 

[geloge]

I can give you that

So, what's your number?

 

[subsonic]

So, what's your number?

Uhh, you play for real, I like that
I hope you're loaded, 'cause it'll be long-distance phoning.
But I promise - I'm worth every penny

 

[refujiunderground]

i don't care about a relationship or any of that right now, never been in one and don't see myself being in one in the near future.

but i'll say this though. if you are unhappy with yourself and/or your life, then being single is going to hurt a lot. you won't be able to enjoy being alone because of the negativity and yeah, other people will see it too. i would say that i'm in pain because of myself but you know what, it's hard being positive in a bad situation.