partnered and I still can't get laid!!!!

[duroc5088]

So me and the boy have been together for two years now and for about the last year and a half it's been a struggle to get him to have sex with me. Now i'll be the first to admit, I have an unusually high sex drive, and his is unusually low. Which is a constant struggle. It's not a matter of love, we both love each other with our whole hearts.

Now let's talk about what sex is to me. To me, sex is an expression of your feelings and love for another person. It also let's the other person know that they are physically attractive to you. Which in my case is never a problem, my man's fuckin' HOTTTT, and i tell him all the time that i love the way he looks. But he doesn't often return the favor. To get an I Love You out of him I have to say it first. And even when i do get sex it's usually because i've been begging for it.

We have talked and talked and even though i understand his side of things, "i'm just not a sexual person", for some reason he always just brushes off what i say as being horny, and puts a guilt trip on me for making sex such a chore.

Now let's talk about that last sentence. Sex being a chore? For me sex is a pleasure, i love the body contact, i love being touched and i love being kissed, but in all fairness, I do have incredible stamina and it can take me a while to get off. For him........ well not so much. For starters, he doesn't like to give or receive blow jobs, I can't touch his dick until he is warmed up and even then he'll still slap my hand away, and i can't touch his nipples until he is just about to cum, I smoke so making out is out of the question, and don't even think about dry humping, and as for anal, well "the thought of it is just gross". so what are we left to do you might ask, well hand jobs. That's about as much action as we see anymore.

About 3 months ago we were down to having sex about once every 2 or 3 weeks. we talked about it and we came to a solution, scheduled sex nights twice a week. Worked great for a while, though most of those nights we just did hand jobs, but hey, i can deal with that. Then just this past weekend I bring up the fact that we had missed our last to sex nights which meant it had been a week. No big deal, it was a joke anyways. And he got all pissed and started accusing me of just thinking of him as a dick, and all this other shit. Well now it's been two weeks since our last J/O session and about 4 months since we've had anal sex. And i'm spent. I'm tired of worrying about it, i'm tired of wondering if maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore, and i'm tired of having to beg for sex. Luckily for him i would never think of leaving him, and i would never consider cheating on him either. And what's even better is that my pregnant sister is moving in with us for a while till she can get on her feet, so i know the sex is going to deffinately be put on the back burner. I mean FUCK!!! it's so frustrating when all i really want is for someone to show me how much they love me.

so now i'm sitting here about to cry.......again!!! because i haven't so much as gotten a hug today.

so all you guys out there that feel sorry for yourselves, because you are single and can't get laid, well it could be worse, you could live with someone and still not get laid.

rant over
Dirk

 

[Atomw7]

Hate to say it, but when my ex had a "lower sex drive," it was actually a period when he was cheating on me.

 

[duroc5088]

Hate to say it, but when my ex had a "lower sex drive," it was actually a period when he was cheating on me.

yeah but he would actually have to be leaving the house in order to have sex with someone else. He never goes anywhere without me, and he works with my sister so i know when he is and isn't there. Thanks, but trust me it's not the case, it's all ways been this way.

 

[davy]

you do know that he's the one who needs to hear this stuff... right?

this could be a big deal; if you have access to couple's therapy you might want to try it out.

 

[Soilwork]

i'll be over in 20 minutes.

Do some stretching exercises and pour a pitcher of martinis.

 

[duroc5088]

you do know that he's the one who needs to hear this stuff... right?

this could be a big deal; if you have access to couple's therapy you might want to try it out.

i know he is the one that needs to here this, that's why i've sat and told him this on numerous occasions. Still........nothing.

Dirk, I don't think you're too aware of my more recent transition from virgin to initiated.

One of the things I've discovered, although I'm not in a relationship like you, is that it hurts to always have to be the initiator. One is put in the position of begging, as you put it, for the affection one thought was the very definition of love.

I get good enough response, although monotonous in style, like yours, but I still feel like I'm being accommodated rather than desired. It would be great to be desired, wouldn't it?

I'm sorry you're having this happen. I know you're not pleading your case, just sharing your heart.

On a good note, please realize you're experiencing what established heterosexual couples experience more times than not. The fact that you recognize your commitment in spite of the hardship is a great thing.

Is there ANY chance he would consider marital counselling? You live in a large enough city for it to be available, and I think you need it, both of you.

Don't want to be an alarmist, but you do realize this has the potential to grow into something bigger?

One last olive branch: if you can get Tbonez to answer his email, he is both a qualified counsellor, a happily partnered gay man, and has a great heart.



Jason

thanks Jason, everything you have said is true and to the point, it does feel more like he is just accommodating me rather than actually desiring me. yes it would be nice to see a counselor, and i have mentioned it several times, and every time he has agreed to it, but for some reason when i try to get him to actually move forward with the idea, he gets all,"let's a while and see how it goes" or "we don't have the money" or one of the other hundreds of tired ass excuses i here.

thanks again

Dirk

 

[duroc5088]

i'll be over in 20 minutes.

Do some stretching exercises and pour a pitcher of martinis.

20 mins huh? wow that bike of yours must be way faster than mine lol.

and the pitcher is already poured

 

[alley]

This is something that I have experienced as well....with my ex-wife. We were compatable in many different ways but sexually---The first few years were great sex was 3-4 times aweek and then some---eventually she would claim to be to tired. It became less and less till it was once every few months---once every six months---then nothing. we had arguments about it---but hell I wanted to be with someone who found me actually attractive. I was so depressed and lonley. I really loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life---this just made me feel so rejected. After the first year of being unable to kiss or even touch her (cause that only leads to sex, she told me) I made up my mind i would not live my life in a sexless marriage and I would even explore my much stronger attraction for men. You can't base a lasting relationship on sex but a relationship will not last if one partner is not satisfied---I wasted so much time waiting to be loved, it will never happen again.

 

[Jory]

You might find this of Interest From Manhunt
No. It’s the Madonna/Whore complex. Can you guess which role you’ve taken?

Yo, Mike!

I’m SO attracted to my boyfriend but much to my horror, we’re having less and less sex. It’s like he just doesn’t want to do it anymore. We’ve only been together for a year! I thought this shit happened after like, 5 years. I feel like he’s not attracted to me anymore. When I finally asked him why he keeps rejecting me in bed he said, “Did you ever think it’s because I love you now?" Can falling in love with someone make you less attracted to him sexually? Or is he cheating on me with someone else?

-- Don’t Get It

Dear Don’t Get It:
I had a Joan Rivers reaction to your boyfriend: “This bitch is putting me on!” But I know he’s not. I think he’s being honest. Unfortunately, it’s the kind of honesty that’s going to make your life miserable.

Your sex life should be getting better, not rarer. Your boyfriend is suffering from a modified Madonna/Whore complex. And no, it has nothing to do with the Material Girl or Paris Hilton. Originally, Freud theorized that men with cold, distant mothers seek out women with their mother’s qualities so they could re-enact the intimacy they never got. Soon they start seeing their wives as their mothers—a Madonna figure—somebody they DO NOT want to have sex with. Hence, men with the Madonna/Whore complex can’t mix love and sex because they subconsciously see it as a form of incest.

So how does this hetero theory apply to you two ‘mos? Think of it as an Adonis/Whore complex. He can’t love guys that sexually satisfy him and he can’t get sexually satisfied by guys he loves.

Meaning: YOU’RE FUCKED.

The more he falls in love with you, the less he wants to have sex. This phenomenon is more common than you think. There are lots of guys who can’t mix lust with love. That’s why they say donkey-crazy things like, “I can’t fuck you because I love you.” Or “I can’t love you because you’re such a good fuck.”

This brand of insanity is caused by growing up in a religious, conservative culture that sees sex as dirty, wrong or something to be ashamed of. Which it is, but only when you go home with a troglodyte that could scare the fur off your dog. Anyway, it’s easy to internalize anti-sex religious dogma. Which reminds me, do fundamentalists do it dogma-style? Just a thought. If you internalize the idea that love is meant for your husband but your dick is meant for your trick, you get, well, *your* relationship.

What’s really surprising is that we don’t have more men thinking like that. Almost everything around us enforces the idea that there’s something wrong with sex. Abstinence classes or virginity pledges? There’s obviously something bad about sex if you go to those lengths to stay away from it. TV and movies? Sex is only appropriate when it’s fueled by lust, not love. That’s why they show such few married couples porking each other.

If you don’t get him to go to therapy, he’s going to Elizabeth-Kubler Ross your relationship. That’s a funny joke, by the way--look her up if you don’t get it. Fortunately, you’ve got a better chance to salvage your relationship than most because he seems so aware of what he’s feeling. But awareness without action is a recipe for stasis. If he doesn’t agree to therapy, I’d start looking for the emergency exit signs. Unless you want lifetime monogamy with your right hand.

 

[duroc5088]

This is something that I have experienced as well....with my ex-wife. We were compatable in many different ways but sexually---The first few years were great sex was 3-4 times aweek and then some---eventually she would claim to be to tired. It became less and less till it was once every few months---once every six months---then nothing. we had arguments about it---but hell I wanted to be with someone who found me actually attractive. I was so depressed and lonley. I really loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life---this just made me feel so rejected. After the first year of being unable to kiss or even touch her (cause that only leads to sex, she told me) I made up my mind i would not live my life in a sexless marriage and I would even explore my much stronger attraction for men. You can't base a lasting relationship on sex but a relationship will not last if one partner is not satisfied---I wasted so much time waiting to be loved, it will never happen again.

I couldn't agree with you more. Even right now, i feel like such a loser, like i'm just not good enough. I know it will pass tomorrow, when I take a ride on my motorcycle. But right now, i feel very lonely.

 

[dr_beat]

so all you guys out there that feel sorry for yourselves, because you are single and can't get laid, well it could be worse, you could live with someone and still not get laid.

rant over
Dirk

But being single at least means we're out trying to get laid. You refuse to cheat on him or break-up with him, so really you're the one in full control of whether or not you have sex.

 

[Kurn]

I usually consider myself a short-relationship person but that's not entirely the case. There was one LTR, a long time ago.

Well, I'm older and better read. This is just adding a little bit to what others are saying. I'm struck by the thought that what's happening is an inner conflict that has to do with our human sexual biology. His Don't-Go is stronger than his GO! because of --- well, actually a counselor could tell you a lot better.
What I'm saying, if it isn't obvious, is that somehow, a subconscious resistance is being evoked. Really a counselor would help.
Amateur's suggestion: Pursue seeing your partner as a person larger than your relationship makes him and act accordingly, non-sexually.
If there isn't a good counselor in OKC try to find another couple to confide in and maybe do some reading.
Maybe you could do something like a couple's retreat somewhere outside of Oklahoma; even faraway Massachussetts or some place.
Look at this as an opportunity to expand yourself as a person. Him, too.
All the best to the two of you!

 

[Telstra]

duroc5088
do you sleep together everynight ?

if yes, there is plenty of oppotunity for you to enjoy your man, you know what i mean ?

 

[alley]

duroc5088
do you sleep together everynight ?

if yes, there is plenty of oppotunity for you to enjoy your man, you know what i mean ?

Hell yeah----and a great way to start a huge ass fight.

 

[Sunshine]

nevermind....

 

[Telstra]

Hell yeah----and a great way to start a huge ass fight.

what do you mean?

when his man is a sleep, he can put his man's cock in his mouth.

 

[alley]

Sorry ----never worked that way for me---just would start a big argument and then I would feel even worse.

 

[Telstra]

there is nothing to argue about if you both are compatible.

 

[seanystarr]

way forward = male escort

 

[duroc5088]

It seems to me that everyone is looking at the situation from Dirk's point of view, in that his Boyfriend is 'refusing' to have sex with him.

Whereas it is difficult to maintain a relationship where one partner has a much higher sex drive than the other, it is not impossible: Relationships are built on Love, Trust and Mutual Respect, they are not all about sex.

Dirk, I think you need to start looking outside the box and start to see the situation from your Boyfriend's perspective: because you are always badgering him for sex, he may be feeling pressurised into having sex with you when he's actually not in the mood and that makes sex a chore, not a pleasurable experience; just because he doesn't want sex with you doesn't mean that he loves you any less - sex is obviously not as important to him as it is to you.

If you keep pressuring him for sex, you will will end up pushing him away and the situation will become such that you end up losing each other.

I would suggest that the two of you sit down again and have an open and honest discussion, ask him what he wants from the Relationship; suggest that you go away together for the weekend, or go for a candlit dinner for two and promise him that this is not a bribe and he is under no obligation to have sex.

The Relationship is about the both of you, it's not just about you.

you have made some very good points, but unfortunately these are points that were suggested a long time ago by a friend and i tried them, no luck. I did the whole sex isn't the most important thing and we talked about it and i promised not to beg for sex and to try to make it a more pleasurable experience, when we do have sex. so i backed off for about two months, and what did that get me, well that got me no sex for two months.lol unfortunatley he's told before that if sex is not mentioned to him, that he never even thinks about it. And that if i never brought it up, it could take up to six months for him to actually get horny enough for him to actually want sex. so therein lies the problem.