Okay, I know that I made a post about speaking with my ex for the first time in nearly 8 years. I am blogging it only due to the significance that this had for me. As I mentioned in the very first post/poll about mailing the letter to him, ours was not a very good break up (read here for the details: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88262).
Well, I was so surprised that he even answered the letter, and with a phone call to my sister’s house no less (her married name is one that you would NEVER forget). Now granted I listened to the message and it sounded very incoherent, but thanks to caller ID I was able to get the number and made the call.
This was not all that easy for me to do. It almost felt like the time I came out to my family, just not knowing what the response would really be. At least I found out that the reason for the incoherence is that about two weeks prior to my letter arriving he and his boyfriend broke up and I sent the letter to the boyfriends address, not his, and the boyfriend read the letter (bastard) and basically just called him and told him I had cancer, boom, no more info.
We both laughed, cried and apologized through the phone conversation. He apologized for being so crazy (his word not mine) our last year together and for me not leaving him at that time. He said if I had he may not have survived it I didn’t bother to bring up the fact that his craziness actually started a couple of years prior to his spinning out of control. He also admitted that once he got it under control a little, he knew it was time for him to go, because he knew that I would stick by him no matter what. Sounds like backwards logic, but knowing him as I do, I understand completely what he was trying to say.
We each admitted that we did not handle things the best, but that was the past. He said that when he heard that I had lung cancer that the first thought was that he would donate one of his, he then quickly threw in that he immediately dismissed that for two reasons. The first was that his lungs are probably all messed up from all the pot he smokes. He said the second was that with the way the relationship ended my body would have probably rejected it violently for self preservation. We both laughed at that. He said that he wanted to make sure that I knew that when he left me it was not because he had met someone else first (which he heard people were telling me while still in Kansas). He still loved me, just no longer in love with me. That is something I can very well understand.
We spoke of his family (and it seems I missed the best part of his family drama). He has one sister that was ultra-conservative, uber-religious and was so homophobic that she would not let us hug her children when we came to visit (I am still not sure if she thought it was contagious or that we would molest the children). I think she did allow us to visit in the hopes of converting us to straight at the minimum, because the conversations always ended up on the subject of the abominations of homosexuality. He let me know that after her husband divorced her, which essentially shook her faith in God and in her chosen religion (AOG). She did well and went back to school since she had been a stay at home mom the whole time she was married (9 years I think). She needed some way to support herself and wound up transferring to Arizona (which is where my ex, her brother is) and got her Master’s in Psychology. She also met the woman of her dreams and is now an out Lesbian. Hmm, brings the line “Me thinks thou doth protest too much.” to mind. It is funny because I am not too surprised, there were just way too much gaydar going on there.
He told me that his ex was being a dick about the breakup (changed the locks while he was at work and told him to find some place else to sleep that night). He finally found his own place and his ex decided what he could and could not have. He said that he thought that it was Karma coming to visit him. I told him that I didn’t think that was it. That break-ups are seldom easy. He said he thought that maybe it could have gone a little better than it did. He said that he tried to step outside his comfort zone to make his partner happy (he even flew on an airplane which was something that terrified him).
He sounded disappointed that I have not had a relationship since then, but that is something I was not willing to go into at that time. I just wanted to make peace with him, to know that he was okay, healthy and happy. Which, for the most part, he said he was happy. He did admit that he was very sad that we wasted nearly 8 years after 10 years together. He also wants to know if I will be able to travel. He would like to see me, which I am not too sure about. I was so completely in love with him and am just now getting closure on this. It would be too easy to get wrapped up with someone who is very familiar emotionally and intimately. But, who knows, in a couple of months I might be ready for that visit. I would like to see his face again and to hear his laugh as well. He had such a sarcastic wit and most people who met him just loved him right off. I think he is a good man, confused and still trying to deal with his past in regards to his family, but in his heart he is a good man.
This has actually taken me a couple of days to write down because I had to take time to process everything, sort through it and figure out what it meant to me emotionally. This is probably the first real positive thing I have done in the past 8 years to move on from this. Still paying for it financially, but I have come to learn very recently that if it is a problem that money can fix, just how big of a problem is it? Really?
Sometimes you just have to screw up the courage and do it, the payoffs are usually well worth the effort and the fear.
Steve
Well, I was so surprised that he even answered the letter, and with a phone call to my sister’s house no less (her married name is one that you would NEVER forget). Now granted I listened to the message and it sounded very incoherent, but thanks to caller ID I was able to get the number and made the call.
This was not all that easy for me to do. It almost felt like the time I came out to my family, just not knowing what the response would really be. At least I found out that the reason for the incoherence is that about two weeks prior to my letter arriving he and his boyfriend broke up and I sent the letter to the boyfriends address, not his, and the boyfriend read the letter (bastard) and basically just called him and told him I had cancer, boom, no more info.
We both laughed, cried and apologized through the phone conversation. He apologized for being so crazy (his word not mine) our last year together and for me not leaving him at that time. He said if I had he may not have survived it I didn’t bother to bring up the fact that his craziness actually started a couple of years prior to his spinning out of control. He also admitted that once he got it under control a little, he knew it was time for him to go, because he knew that I would stick by him no matter what. Sounds like backwards logic, but knowing him as I do, I understand completely what he was trying to say.
We each admitted that we did not handle things the best, but that was the past. He said that when he heard that I had lung cancer that the first thought was that he would donate one of his, he then quickly threw in that he immediately dismissed that for two reasons. The first was that his lungs are probably all messed up from all the pot he smokes. He said the second was that with the way the relationship ended my body would have probably rejected it violently for self preservation. We both laughed at that. He said that he wanted to make sure that I knew that when he left me it was not because he had met someone else first (which he heard people were telling me while still in Kansas). He still loved me, just no longer in love with me. That is something I can very well understand.
We spoke of his family (and it seems I missed the best part of his family drama). He has one sister that was ultra-conservative, uber-religious and was so homophobic that she would not let us hug her children when we came to visit (I am still not sure if she thought it was contagious or that we would molest the children). I think she did allow us to visit in the hopes of converting us to straight at the minimum, because the conversations always ended up on the subject of the abominations of homosexuality. He let me know that after her husband divorced her, which essentially shook her faith in God and in her chosen religion (AOG). She did well and went back to school since she had been a stay at home mom the whole time she was married (9 years I think). She needed some way to support herself and wound up transferring to Arizona (which is where my ex, her brother is) and got her Master’s in Psychology. She also met the woman of her dreams and is now an out Lesbian. Hmm, brings the line “Me thinks thou doth protest too much.” to mind. It is funny because I am not too surprised, there were just way too much gaydar going on there.
He told me that his ex was being a dick about the breakup (changed the locks while he was at work and told him to find some place else to sleep that night). He finally found his own place and his ex decided what he could and could not have. He said that he thought that it was Karma coming to visit him. I told him that I didn’t think that was it. That break-ups are seldom easy. He said he thought that maybe it could have gone a little better than it did. He said that he tried to step outside his comfort zone to make his partner happy (he even flew on an airplane which was something that terrified him).
He sounded disappointed that I have not had a relationship since then, but that is something I was not willing to go into at that time. I just wanted to make peace with him, to know that he was okay, healthy and happy. Which, for the most part, he said he was happy. He did admit that he was very sad that we wasted nearly 8 years after 10 years together. He also wants to know if I will be able to travel. He would like to see me, which I am not too sure about. I was so completely in love with him and am just now getting closure on this. It would be too easy to get wrapped up with someone who is very familiar emotionally and intimately. But, who knows, in a couple of months I might be ready for that visit. I would like to see his face again and to hear his laugh as well. He had such a sarcastic wit and most people who met him just loved him right off. I think he is a good man, confused and still trying to deal with his past in regards to his family, but in his heart he is a good man.
This has actually taken me a couple of days to write down because I had to take time to process everything, sort through it and figure out what it meant to me emotionally. This is probably the first real positive thing I have done in the past 8 years to move on from this. Still paying for it financially, but I have come to learn very recently that if it is a problem that money can fix, just how big of a problem is it? Really?
Sometimes you just have to screw up the courage and do it, the payoffs are usually well worth the effort and the fear.
Steve
I was at the hospital from 9:45am to 4:10pm. It took a little longer in the infusion room beacause they think that the case of thrush has settled in my throat.
They gave me some medication for it and a prescription that will get filled torrow. Right now I am just very tired and the stomach, it is not feelig so good right now 
. I should be fine until 8pm or so and then on to the pills. At least I can now foresee the direction that stuff is going and how to be more proactive to the upcoming symptoms. 
I am also in a better state of mind, and am ready to fight again. I just needed a little break from fighting and allowind myself the time to ask those inevitable "What if?" question. You know, What if this doesn't work? What if this coming birthday is my last? What if it does come back, what will you do then? What if, what if, what if....? 
