People who Have 'Issues' RE: My Bisexuality

[Romantico]

Let me just say my girlfriend and I could not be happier. We are in a very good place right now. She is in the process of moving in with me and we are having some remodeling done to the house which she is now taking a part in the decisions. We are sharing so much and learning more and more about each other and each day I love her more than I did the day before.

Having said that I have noticed that people around us have some issues with me. Primarily my bisexuality. Just a few examples:

HER PARENTS: We met several months ago and all went well. Her dad and I laughed and had a lot in common and her Mom could not have been nicer. I later found out that they are two face. BIG TIME. Happy and friendly to my face but behind my back they think their daughter can do so much better. They also seem to think I have AIDS. This is their biggest concern. Bisexuality means I MUST be getting sex 24/7 from numerous partners. They feel I am taking advantage of a young girl's feelings and her Mom says, "I have cast her under a spell". Nice, huh?

HER BEST FRIEND: I don't get this one. All was fine. She told me privately went we first started going out how happy my GF is and we make a great couple. She told me to ignore her parents and that they will eventually come around. We exchanged Christmas presents and we drove her to and picked her from the airport from a 2 week vacation recently. All was well I thought. Now, she tells my GF that she is concerned that I will ditch her and that she is in for a major heartbreak. She told her she did some research and that I am actually gay and am pretending to be bisexual. She says I must be infected with diseases and I am messed up. She also told my GF's parents that we have had sex every days since Christmas. Why she felt she needed to break my GF's confidence is a mystery. I am assuming this is where the Parent's got the AIDS slur from.MY GF is a bedroom gossip and chats up our sex life with all her friends. I don't mind usually as long as it doesn't get back to her family! My GF is really hurt by this and her friends attitude. Her friend shows no remorse and keeps telling her its "tough Love". Her attitude is just bitter and mean. She is treating my GF like a child and my GF thinks she is jealous. She sees how happy we are and its driving her crazy. She has seen this before in the past. Her friend is okay til she gets serious with a guy. The she gets bitchy. She has even done this with other girl friends. Her friend never talks to me anymore or even looks at me. When she calls She barks at me to get my GF. No chit chat or anything. When she stops by or we run into her somewhere she never even acts like I am there.

Then finally there is a guy she has known since she was 16. They went to school and he has always had a crush on her. he told her how he felt in high school and she politely told him she wanted to be just friends with him. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend since he has asked her out again and opened his heart. She said to me that its getting old and they hang out sometimes with other friends but he is becoming more and more aggressive as they get older. When he found out I was bi he told her that she was wasting her love on a guy who doesn't appreciate her. Apparently he can't tell the difference between a homosexual and a bisexual because he keeps telling her I am not into women. I ignored it all til she told me that he told her the other night that him and some friends were gonna pull a 'Matthew Shepard" on me if I don't let you go. This really upset her and I must admit, I am a little concerned with this. I'm glad she told me (she hesitated at first but wants to be totally honest with me)

So, thats what's going on. We both think this all has to do with her moving in with me. All seemed well til I asked her to move in on Valentine's Day. Now we're are making decisions real couples make. We are remodeling, she is really close to my family, we went out last week looking at furniture and have bought antiques and some art for our place. We are in a way acting lie a married couple. We think everyone thinks we are moving fast and it sounds like everyone thinks I am taking advantage. In a way, its brought us even closer. She is way more disturbed and bothered by it all than I am. Her sister is the only one who truly supports us. She told her Mom that its the first time she has been this happy in her life and how much I love her.

So, how would you handle this? Her guy friend making the hate crime remark concerns me more than I am letting on to my GF. She doesn't need the stress and this guy has a history of talking big and making threats but still, thats not cool and she said she gave him a piece of her mind and he will NEVER say something like that again. When I asked what she said all she told me was, "Trust me, he won't be saying shit like that again". As for her family and her best friend I have no idea what I can say to smooth things over. I can't even look at her parents knowing they know all about our sex history now and her friend not only betrayed my GF's trust but mine as well. I would feel guilty if I came between her friend and family. Any thoughts?

 

[texan_slant]

Though I'm not bisexual, and don't have any direct experience with this, the more serious you get, the more of this you might see; if marriage comes into the picture, you marry her, and you 'marry' the whole network of friends and family, so you have to be ready to deal with it all.

Unfortunately, people judge without really getting to know someone. My humble suggestions would be to continue being yourself, not be defensive, 'ignore' everyone's negative behavior the best you can, while treating everyone cordially (since none of them have approached you directly about their feelings).

Perhaps over time, everyone can know you for the person you really are - but if you've done nothing to warrant their behavior, you've already done everything you could, and it is really their problem and not your's.

One more thing - hopefully, your girlfriend won't feel any resentment over time over everyone's backlash. One critical point is how she is handling the situation. Also, whatever is between her and her family/friends prob shouldn't involve any direct intervention from you - except with what you can do to support her.

 

[Romantico]

Hey thanks. Wise advice! I NEVER say anything negative about her friend or family. I have bent over backwards to please them all and think your right. I have just been me. I'll continue to be polite and friendly. I don't know what waits down the road but I could see myself growing old with her. We support each other and I know this is all harder for her than it is me. Many Thanks again!

 

[Alpha1851]

Her parents know that you're bi? Who told them? How does her gf know?

It just seems odd to me. My parents and I never discuss sex! I don't discuss it w/ my friends either (we're all older and busy w/ careers.) She must be really open w/ everyone.

I think that's where ya'll are going wrong. You're sharing way to much info w/ the family. I can understand your need to be honest w/ your gf about your bisexuality; but really, what is the point of telling her parents. My bf (Jason) and I own a home together and have been together for ages. Both of us are very close to our families (we do live in a different state from them though...which helps). My parents have the standard information about Jason. They know about his career, where he's from, his age, they've met him, that's about it. His parents have the same general information about me. We help each other's fams--I'd do anything for his and he'd do anything for mine. None of that requires giving them any gossip. That's really all that needs to be said.

 

[KaraBulut]

And you care.... why?

 

[Romantico]

I think her friend told her parents I am bisexual. I'm totally out so I am not concerned with that at all. She talks about things girls talk about. When your with friends you trust its not an issue. I don;t really care if she does that. I don;t and never felt I needed to discuss my sex life with friends no mater how much some would beg me for details (I find my heterosexual friends are more curious about my sex with guys than women)

It was not me or my GF that shared this info but her friend. I agree, too much about our private lives have been discussed. Its no one's business but sometimes family and even close childhood friends think they have a say in it.

 

[COACHMN]

My story:

I told my Fiancee I was Bisexual 6 months before we were married. It took her 3 days of discussion and sharing to decide how she felt about that. Her decision was that she loved me enough to accept it. She established two rules 1) She asked that I not volunteer any information about any partners I might have in the future. 2) If she asked about a situation, I must fully answer any questions she might ask and truthfully. We were happily married for 39 years and raised two children together.

Initially, her family was outraged that she would even consider marrying someone that was "like that." My family and her family began bickering and their friendship became very hostile. The family relations became so bad that we UN-invited both sets of parents from our wedding. We had a smaller but full church wedding and it was always a bitter sweet memory for the both of us but, our love and commitment for each other was always the most important.

Gradually the parents calmed down and with the birth (11 months later) of the first Grandchild peace branches appeared. Gradually over time, her family decided I was a pretty good egg after all and we got along well.

As for my Bisexuality, there were occasions during those 39 years when I did play with others (males only) and it was all fine. The only time my Lisa ever asked about anyone was when Jerry came into my life 6 months before she died (May 29, 2006) after a 10 year health battle. She was actually glad that I had someone else in my life and that the mutual love was so obvious.

I am well aware that my experience is highly unusual and give full credit to the woman that my Lisa was but her view always was that Love can make anything possible and we were proof that is true.

That I have been blessed with two complete loves in my life fills me with gratitude. That I lost both of them (Jerry, JAYHEW here on JUB, died of a heart attack January 29, 2008 ) is a tragedy of the highest order for me. But, I remind myself of the adage "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." My credo, "Live Deliberately, One Day at a Time" was shared with my two loves and I am so grateful to have the faith that Love truly CAN overcome anything.

 

[Romantico]

Beautiful story. I hope I can live my life by your example. As of right now in my life, I see only a monogamous relationship. There have ben hints about "others' from both of us and thats something we have agreed to discuss later with an open mind. Right now I can't get enough of her and she is the ONLY Sexual partner I want and desire. Then again I am bisexual so we both understand how that works.We have decided to be 100% honest with each other. To communicate with each other and be open no matter what. So far it has not only worked but brought us closer. I believe with all my heart if you communicate and are honest with each other you can do no wrong.

Thanks again for sharing such a beautiful story!

 

[seamusnewwest]

OP, I like your post. Among my friends, I'm the only monagamous bisexual I know!

I appreciate your communication, but in all honesty, friends and relatives always have concerns and sometimes get overly protective of their loved ones. Knowing every detail of every one's concerns, I think, isn't neccessarily the way to go. Let some of it lie, and give it time.

As for people who have clearly expressed hostility, my girlfriend always tells me I worry too much about the crazy people. You know who the crazy people are - spend less time with the crazy people, and spend more time with the sane people. That's what she tells me. I think it's good advice.
.
.
.

 

[ejbonk]

I feel so sorry for you Romanico. Her friend is not acting like a true friend. If anything I would say the Woman has Issues. I'd Ignore the whole lot of them. Your GF has some hard dicisions to make that only she can make.

These People have a lot of MisInformation and Are Acting UnReasonable.

Don't even try to reason with them at this point.

Give it lots of Time to settle down and blow over.

It's all BS.

Great Advise by the way seamusnewwest.

 

[Romantico]

Thanks! Yes, every time she refers to her as her friend I cringe. I don't want to speak ill about her though. My gf is young and has lived a rather sheltered life. Whenever I witness some typical life lesson occur in her life I have to remind myself she's only been out of high school for 2 years. She is SO smart and knows so much about a lt of things. When it comes to life experiences, thats a different story. She's coming around. Just yesterday she said I think it's time I get some new friends and thats EXACTLY what I did when I came out as bisexual. Many either didn't buy the bisexual thing or treated me different. Life's too short to invest it with people who look down on you. I was so glad to hear her say that. Time will tell. Thanks again!

 

[seamusnewwest]

IF you feel up to it, and IF you think it would be worthwhile and it would help, don't be afraid to try to get to know some of her friends and family one on one (or two on one, the girlfriend and you). Sometimes seeing how normal someone is can assauge fears. There are people who just don't know and don't understand, who would be open to learning and understanding. I do it all the time over coffee at my local Blenz. But not with everyone, I do make a judgement call about when I think it will be worthwhile, on all kinds of things.

Seamus.

 

[ejbonk]

Just ignore them.

If it wasn't this it would be some other "issue"/personality trait that they wouldn't like about you.

Right!

Here's a few Examples:

He's not Good Enough.
He's to Old for Her.
His Job is not Good Enough.
His Hair is to long.
He looks like a Bum or a Hippy.

They would find something wrong with you even,If you were Straight.

 

[TaigaStar]

Regardless, I'm more inclined to say that your GF's "friend" is not only jealous, but threatened by your existence in the equation. Your bisexuality probably has nothing to do with it, it's just a convenient device there for her to manipulate. The friend does not want to see your girlfriend taken away from her, especially not by someone who treats her really well, and feels threatened that you could "worm your way" into that part of your girlfriend's life that the friend belongs to.

The fact that this friend told your girlfriend's parents about your bisexuality means she's trying to use discrimination against you because she has no other ground to stand on for her argument. The only thing to do, if you haven't already, is to call her on that fact. Yes, you're open about it, but it's not within her rights to tell your girlfriend's parents.

 

[ejbonk]

Regardless, I'm more inclined to say that your GF's "friend" is not only jealous, but threatened by your existence in the equation. Your bisexuality probably has nothing to do with it, it's just a convenient device there for her to manipulate. The friend does not want to see your girlfriend taken away from her, especially not by someone who treats her really well, and feels threatened that you could "worm your way" into that part of your girlfriend's life that the friend belongs to.

The fact that this friend told your girlfriend's parents about your bisexuality means she's trying to use discrimination against you because she has no other ground to stand on for her argument. The only thing to do, if you haven't already, is to call her on that fact. Yes, you're open about it, but it's not within her rights to tell your girlfriend's parents.

Well,That goes without saying.Her so called friend is a $$*#@*&%#. It's that simple.

 

[TaigaStar]

Her friend is a psychopath, more likely.

 

[ejbonk]

Her friend is a psychopath, more likely.

MAYBE SO,maybe so,But I'll leave that up to a shrink to decide.

 

[Romantico]

Her friend is REALLY hot and I have long wondered how a girl who is so attractive is single. My gf says she never could keep a boyfriend for very long. I think I now know why. It really is a shame. I even though down the road how cool it would be for her to be part of our little circle someday. Don't think that will be happening anytime soon. I do agree with everything you said and believe you are spot on about her. Over her friend and parents I am more concerned with her guy friend. He really likes my GF and I keep hearing from my GF and her sister how much he wants a GF. This guy really think she is wasting her time with me and feels it's a pity she is giving her heart to some FREAK like me. Over the past week or two I have been running into him at the grocery store, video store, mall,gas station, etc. and I am begining to think this is not all by chance now. Never says hi or anything. He just gives me this cold stare. Strange how I never use to see him let alone several times now over a 2 week period. Then again I may just be paranoid.

I just woke up to go to the bathroom and noticed the computer was still on. My gf is in bed sleeping and I have noticed that since all of this she has been more cuddly and attentive than usual (hey at least something good is coming from all this, LOL) Anyone who has read my posts will know she is very affectionate and attentive so, for her to be more than usual is saying a lot. Anyway, just staring at her while she sleeps makes me realize I'll do anything for her. I love how she is taking charge in all this. She is assuring me that she will handle all this. She is protecting me and I find it really sexy + she's growing up. She is being responsible and very adult in all this. She is still very loving and respectful with her parents, but firm as well. It's weird for the guy to feel protected and the girl to be the protector and I think thats what an advantage us bisexuals have. We can easily get in touch with our manly macho side but then turn the switch and get comfortable with our feminine side as well (or as I call it my girly side) Its so hot watching my GF be the dominant one. I think everything happens for a reason and perhaps this is all some sort of test for us both. Who knows?

 

[blackbeltninja]

Regardless, I'm more inclined to say that your GF's "friend" is not only jealous, but threatened by your existence in the equation. Your bisexuality probably has nothing to do with it, it's just a convenient device there for her to manipulate. The friend does not want to see your girlfriend taken away from her, especially not by someone who treats her really well, and feels threatened that you could "worm your way" into that part of your girlfriend's life that the friend belongs to.

The fact that this friend told your girlfriend's parents about your bisexuality means she's trying to use discrimination against you because she has no other ground to stand on for her argument. The only thing to do, if you haven't already, is to call her on that fact. Yes, you're open about it, but it's not within her rights to tell your girlfriend's parents.

If you'll indulge me as Devil's Advocate for a second here...

I'm responding to Taiga, but this is aimed at everyone: If you thought your best friend was making a big mistake with a certain guy or girl, you'd tell them, right? And if you've known them for yonks and you know the parents and you found yourself talking to the parents, you'd tell them too, right? I would. I have. I would of course also say "it's not up to me" since it really isn't, but I would say and I have said that I wasn't happy with the situation. Perhaps (and yes, perhaps even in my case) it is born of jealousy, perhaps it is a genuine concern, perhaps the friend gets a weird vibe from you and something just doesn't sit well with him/her and they want to make their position known on the subject, and I think as a friend it is their place, and even their duty, to say so.

My grandfather didn't like my father, and always told my mother that he would leave her unhappy. He refused to give my mom away at her wedding, and refused to come to the wedding. He told my mom it was a huge mistake. I'd like to say he was wrong, but unfortunately he was right* and it ended badly. Of course, I wouldn't be here if it hadn't started, but that's another story.

At the same time, I suppose bisexuality is also an issue. For those people who don't know what it is like to be bisexual and have been influenced by the outspoken people who also don't know - and there are more than just a few JUBbers who are in that boat, let's be honest - they don't really know what they're up against, and they probably, right or wrong, suspect that a bisexual guy feels it's not wrong to cheat on his wife with a man, only with a woman. Who knows why they think that? But perhaps they do, and I suppose that although it's not right, all you can really do is try to protect the ones you love (your friends, your children if you are a parent) for what you believe to be the greater good.

I'll make this clear - it is really none of their business, and it really isn't up to them. But nobody wants a loved one to end up unhappy, so their intervention and "scheming", for want of a better word, is natural and understandable and as a result possibly even justified. I know there are probably people reading this bit right now thinking that I am a complete fuckwit, but I will stand by this statement.

What is unfortunate and indefensible about the whole thing is that someone else somewhere is spreading rumours about Romantico, because that is what is filtering down to the friends and parents and causing all the hassle. From reading his posts I have no reason to doubt his version of the story and his version of how he lives his life and how he is monogamous when in a relationship, and I feel for him in this awkward situation.

I think what is probably best, Romantico, is that you chat to the parents quietly over a cup of coffee or something, alone, without the GF there. Let her know that it is going to happen, of course, but don't let her come along because you need to have their attention aimed solely at you. Then do the same with the best friend, and also with the ex-bf, assuming that there won't be violence, and just lay out your side of the story. Tell them you understand their concern, and that you are grateful that they have your GF's best interests at heart, but that you are not about to stand for having your reputation ruined by some fucker smearing you, and that you are not about to stand there and let other people second-guess your relationship until it breaks. However quietly and politely you do it, let it be known that this is the proverbial reading of the Riot Act.

Either way, I hope it all comes out right.

-d-

*My dad did some horrible things, possibly right from the outset. I haven't seen him since I was 2 and I will be 32 in September.

 

[ejbonk]

Romantico

You have said elsewhere that your GF reads these post/threads.
Has She seen this one Yet?
If,Yes. What does She have to say about this whole situation?
Is She looking for answers/solutions to the problem?
If No. What is your plan ,when She does see this Thread?