Problem with a "straight" friend

[KaraBulut]

...I'm also a little freaked out. My friend practically told him, "We feel like your closet-y-ness is leaking out and you're being a creeper" and instead of avoiding me or trying to straighten up his act, he's still staring and been trying to contact me.

Yet will still talk about his wife as if nothing's up.

It's apparent that avoiding him is not stopping the behavior. Why haven't you confronted him about it?

How difficult is it to say, "I feel uncomfortable when you ______"? How difficult is it to say, "Stop"?

 

[TX-Beau]

You're right. I'm enjoying the drama so much that I've been intentionally avoiding/shutting down dude the moment school started back up. I didn't realize getting stared at or texted were offenses that police would actually respond to. I feel like guy has been playing it pretty safe, so I get to be creeped out but there's not a lot of tangibles that I can use against him. And yeah. I'm aware of my options. The issue is that all options seem to have pretty undesirable consequences. If I thought confronting him would magically solve all my problems and wouldn't have the potential to make matters worse, I would've done it already.

It's called stalking and you certainly can report it, and there is a record if it's happening.

 

[CoochiKabuki]

I'd go up to him and ask if he has a crush

 

[MadeInBrazil]

I didn't read everything everyone else said but I personally can't deal with this kind of stuff anymore. There's a "straight" guy interested in me at college, he just broke up with his ex-girlfriend and suddenly started asking me out every single day. Things escalated a bit, he got very touchy-feely and affectionate. Also the stares, the blank questions and everything to the point that other people started asking me if maybe he's bisexual or bicurious. And my reply to them is always that I don't care. I don't want to have to deal with someone who still struggles with their identity because I know I'll end up getting hurt. People in this situation tend to regret their first moves, they pull you into their mess and it's really hard to just make it work. Plus I'd never stand for someone pretending they don't have something going on with me right in front of me. It's just not something I'm okay with anymore.

That said, if I were you I'd do what I've been doing now, keeping a certain distance and making it clear you're not interested in someone who's still confused. That seems to be working with my friend, we get to still be friends but I don't respond to his advances - which are getting less frequent, thank God. I'm not saying I'll never do anything with him (he's very attractive and I wouldn't mind getting a piece of that at all), but it definitely would be a one time thing. My advantage is that I don't feel lonely right now and won't develop strong feelings if anything happens.

 

[CoochiKabuki]

Do we get in trouble for reviving threads?

 

[eastofeden]

If you truly want out of this situation....own your role in it and focus on the part you play....

It will not only free you from this soap opera...it will propel you into the future a lot healthier and wiser...

I don't know if you remember or even realize that you wrote THIS:

Finding someone I connect to on an emotional and intellectual level is a rare thing and when it happens, it always turns out like this.

This clearly indicates that you play a role in it that you need to own...

 

[offthewall14420]

You should fuck his wife if you can manage. Yep, I went there. If you suck him off he'll be running out the door. Closet case. I recommend blowing up the marriage before you blow him.

This guy you describe might become violent once he acts upon impulse. I had a friend who did this, cheated on his wife with a guy, then she found out. He beat her up. She called the police. So he shot himself in the head instead of going to jail.

But I hear ya. It's like trying to diffuse a bomb and if you cut the wrong wire then.....

 

[KaraBulut]

Thankfully, the OP started the thread 6 months ago and has hopefully resolved the issue by now.

 

[coffeespoons]

I did arrange a "talk" with my friend/classmate/coworker in which I shared my concerns with him. He, of course, got defensive and denied everything--marital issues, drinking issues, and being aware that he was weird with me. I told him that, after everyone in our program has witnessed him say one thing and do another for a year and a half, that my trust level with him was low, because it seems like he spends so much time posturing that it's impossible to know the real him. I told him that he himself has said "straight guys don't stare at other guys," yet myself and others have seen him regularly steal glances at me. He tried to pass it off as "well, I feel like [classmate] stares at me during class sometimes, but I don't make anything of it." I told him that this was not just him casually staring across the table at me in class: it's everywhere. During guest lectures in which we're all staring forward, he'd even turn back to stare at me. Waiting for the train, he'll follow me with his eyes as I leave. At parties, he does the same as I move from one room to the next. I told him that he didn't touch anyone else and in fact often referenced how he didn't like physical contact, yet he was always touching me. I basically told him that his denials weren't going to erase my experience of him or invalidate my right to be concerned. However, I was extremely gentle with him as I told him these things and sensitive in the way I worded my sentences (I wish I could say he was the same). Anyway, I said I didn't need him to come out or anything, I had no expectation of him to come out or even acknowledge any of his behavior, but the sole purpose of talking to him was to make him aware what it was that was making me uncomfortable and to ask him to stop doing those things. He said he would try. I will let you know how he fares with that "try"-ing.

 

[MadeInBrazil]

Hmmm, it's a good thing you talked to him, but seeing how he still denies everything and reacted defensively, I doubt it will last long (if it works at all). He might stay away for a week but then feel the urge to get closer again. He seems very much infatuated with you and that doesn't go away so easily, especially when the person in question isn't even able to own up to their feelings. I feel bad for the guy, but I feel worse for you. It's almost harassment. The only way I'd just be okay with a situation like this would be if the guy was insanely attractive and already planning a divorce. Otherwise I'd just have to start being rude. Unfortunately.

Good luck and keep us updated! This story is pretty interesting to me (sorry!) and I'd love to see it solved.

 

[coffeespoons]

Good luck and keep us updated! This story is pretty interesting to me (sorry!) and I'd love to see it solved.

Haha, thank you so much--and no worries. My friends are like, "We're sorry that you hurt, but this is one of the most fascinating things ever." I'm just hoping he doesn't turn into a bully. I noticed since our talk that he's changed his social media alias to his meshed married name, so I guess Project Look Straight & Happily Married is well underway.

 

[MadeInBrazil]

Hopefully it lasts enough for him to realize how unrealistic the relationship he seeks is.

 

[offthewall14420]

I would do the absolute minimum to maintain the friendship and ignore it. He's bound for rock bottom and if he can lie to himself that well, then he's a psychopath. Either way, wait for him to cum around and keep with the good ch'i.

Haha, thank you so much--and no worries. My friends are like, "We're sorry that you hurt, but this is one of the most fascinating things ever." I'm just hoping he doesn't turn into a bully. I noticed since our talk that he's changed his social media alias to his meshed married name, so I guess Project Look Straight & Happily Married is well underway.

 

[coffeespoons]

I would do the absolute minimum to maintain the friendship and ignore it. He's bound for rock bottom and if he can lie to himself that well, then he's a psychopath. Either way, wait for him to cum around and keep with the good ch'i.

Agreed. I'm trying not to be spiteful, but part of me wouldn't hate witnessing that rock bottom, just because it seems unfair that he added so much stress to my own life. It felt like he dumped all of his problems on me, dusted off his hands and walked away. Though changing his social media alias following our chat to show how married he is--after I pointed out it seemed like he had some serious marital problems, in addition to being weird with me--makes it seems like he's trying to keep up appearances. I'm not buying it.