Really not excited about being gay

[jamie_01930]

anyone else feel this way? I must add that I came out at being about 54. got divorced two years ago and life as I had known it for the last 40 yrs is no more. I have spent the last 6 years being deeply depressed and medicated and not looking forward to what tomorrow might bring.

Each day I try to put that happy face on and try to fool everyone. As the shrinks say. fake it until you make it. easier said than done

Do I have any company out there??

 

[antdak]

You sure do!! Very simular situation.

 

[1st love ron]

I'm 48 and still not thrilled about it either. It has cost me so much it's not funny -- straight people don't understand that.

The thing is there is and never will be a magic pill "cure" so I just solder on. What else can you do? I suppose one could pray like Ted Haggard....

And...the one in my family who is depressed, stuck in a bad marriage, overweight, drinker, seeing a psychiatrist and on medication is my straight brother. So, the irony is that in reality I have it better than him.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

Yeah I do, I haven't been to a shrink. But I've tried to fake it through my life, trying not to show it in public. Basically I'm the only one in my life that can make myself happy, and help cure my own depression, nobody else can do this but me.

 

[Christopher123]

When I was first coming to terms with myself and going through my 'identity crisis', it scared the hell out of me. Because I knew what it was like out there, I'd heard all the horror stories (and even went through the pain of listening to my friends fag-bash on a regular basis while I sat back and kept my mouth shut, terrified I was just like the ones they were bashing) and even though "homosexual acceptance" has come a long way, it's still far from what it could be. I'm not saying SHOULD, I'm saying COULD. I don't make people accept the fact that I'm gay. They either will or they won't. But for every one person who 'understands', there are 10 who don't.

And I -painfully- remember, day after day, hiding myself away and crying and cursing myself and thinking WHY WHY WHY??? And I had no one to talk to. No one. I was scared and I hated myself. And I too was depressed all the time. But I finally realized there was just no damn point in making myself miserable over something I can't do anything about. I even forced myself to go out with a girl to try and "turn myself around" (chuckling at myself over that) but it went nowhere. There was nothing there for me, even when she tried to turn me on. I politely ended the situation, then went home and cried AGAIN.

I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say, I'm rambling now. But even though I'm much happier now (with myself and my life) I just wanted to say I've been there with those feelings and yes, I still have moments of self-doubt and even a little bit of self-loathing. I even tried counseling. Didn't work. I'm too rebellious and extremely defensive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there's no way you're alone because I don't know one gay person that woke up one day and said, "Wow, I'm gay! This is cool as hell!"

Ya know? It's like the people out there (and yes, I've been asked this question) who say, "Why do you wanna be gay? Why in the hell would you want to be gay?"

To this day I'm still searching for the perfect comeback to that question.

 

[smirnoff-ice]

i am not unhappy being gay, i am just unhappy that "we" have much less choice of possible partners than heterosexual people.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

I know what you mean. I'm only 19 and I'm not looking forward to a life of being gay too much at all mainly because the chances of meeting a nice guy and staying with him are admittedly slim in a world where women outnumber men, too many men are fixated on little more than sex, and men tend to focus more on the physicality of relationships than the emotional. Now there are exceptions, but it hardly matters because 8/10 gay men you run into will most likely just be cruising for anonymous sex or simply looking for someone who perfectly meets their standard of physical attractiveness. As much as I hate it, I must confess that that is natural with most men.

I may meet some nice guys in the better part of my youth, but I suspect that once I hit a certain age relationships will be all about sex and little more, which is not a lifestyle I'm interested in living. Ever.
At least if I were straight I could possibly look forward to a future that was more romantically and emotionally stable because I believe I am much more likely to find a woman who is interested in true romance and monogamous happiness than a man. However, as a gay man I may be fortunate enough to meet someone special, but the chances are not in my favor and I have no use for a life loneliness. Anyone can feel free to argue with me here, but I suspect most who would have not had a partner for longer than 5 years at a time, and if they have then they are definitely one of the beautiful exceptions that almost makes me hopeful. Almost.

Anyway, I have started to realize just how little I look forward to a life of being gay. I don't want a life of constantly searching for someone who could kill a bit of the deep loneliness I feel and only coming up with shortterm relationships only built on sex and physical attraction. For me it isn't worth it, though for others I realize it is. But I'm sure I couldn't handle being 54 and alone or trying desperately to cruise for sex while hoping I don't have some form of HIV lying dormant in my body. Loneliness is a special kind of misery and after a while it snuffs out your light.
That's probably why at this point I have so little interest in even seeing my 20th birthday. But that is another story.

Call me a cynic...

I've come to learn that in the gay community physical attractiveness has been the important role out of all relationships. Sad but true, though I have seen some people who don't go for looks which is a plus because we need MORE people like that.

 

[FREDDIE187]

I guess what I'm trying to say is there's no way you're alone because I don't know one gay person that woke up one day and said, "Wow, I'm gay! This is cool as hell!"

.

Firstly i want to say am really sad to read your unhappy posts.

I am a gay person who wake up in the morning and feel like the quote above.

I must also say, I have lots of very good gay friends and they are very happy to be gay. when I think about them now, I can't even imagine them being unhappy about who they are.

All this makes me realise that there are two "worlds" out there and I suppose I am very blessed that I am part of the happy contented one.

I can only wish that you guys can also find that "world".

 

[NickCole]

Life can be very tough.

Some people are lucky and some are not. But even the lucky ones, if they live long enough, have to face challenging burdens. That's life.

I think being gay isn't the biggest problem. It's loneliness. A desire to love and be loved, to be important to someone, to touch, to hold, to connect. A sweet kiss, a long embrace, a conversation where you get to know someone intimately and they get to know you.

As we age it's a little easier for straight men because women aren't generally as insane about men's looks as we age as gays are. Gays, in general, are ridiculously obsessed with good looks and youth.

But if you want something, especially if you're not young and good looking, you have to go out, find it and acquire it. If you're overweight, lose some weight, you'll feel better about yourself, you'll look better and you'll be healthier -- start by taking walks, who knows maybe you'll meet people you connect with. And take chances. Talk to people. A lot of people will brush you aside, but so what, talk to someone else.

There are a lot of lonely people out there. Reach out and help someone else and you may discover you're helping yourself as well.

 

[Soilwork]

Sorry guys, but life doesn't get handed to you on a silver platter.

EVERYBODY, straight or gay, has to climb out on a limb to get the sweetest fruit.

ok, bad cliche... it's 6 AM here and I've been cleaning the set before we start shooting for two hours... cut me some slack.



My point is that to be happy in life you need to do some ground work.. you have to decide what it is that you want in life and you have to figure out what is going to lead you to that place.

You want a boyfriend? Great, try to figure out where and how you're going to meet a man who's got similar interests with you that you can do togehter once you've had sex in every position you can think of.

You want to be happy being gay? Great, try to figure out what would make you happy.. would it be having friends who are also gay? Having friends who are supportive? Having a family?

Being gay isn't any more of a hurdle to your own personal happiness than being straight, but being a whiner who refuses to grab life by the lemons IS.

 

[Soilwork]

Oh, and yes...

I'm QUITE happy in my life, and yes, being gay is part of that. I love my friends, my job, my boyfriend, my apartment, my life and my hobbies.

I love my motorcycle club, I love my books I read and the bars I go to from time to time.

I love Folsom Street Fair, and although everyone is allowed to go, us homos know it's by us for us.

yes, you can be a very happy gay guy. But it does take a bit of strapping on a pair.

 

[teh_nathan]

ljhotboy said it..

"I know what you mean. I'm only 19 and I'm not looking forward to a life of being gay too much at all mainly because the chances of meeting a nice guy and staying with him are admittedly slim in a world where women outnumber men, too many men are fixated on little more than sex, and men tend to focus more on the physicality of relationships than the emotional."

I've been single for over three years. If I wanted to do the meaningless sex thing, I could've done so. I have had opportunities and passed them up - they mean nothing to me. Find me someone with a brain who can see past what I look like (I don't look like a male model and that seems to be what most people want; even those who resemble male models are popular on JUB - if you look good or have a big dick, everyone will want to be your friend - while those with some speck of intelligence usually aren't so popular) and I'll steal them away.

It's not like I haven't been looking but my options appear to be slim. :\

 

[Soilwork]

Sorry... I didn't realize you were enjoying your pitty party.

I figured that hearing from someone with a great life and a steady boyfriend and who's happy being gay would be a good thing.

Funny, I hear from my straight friends all the time that they can't find relationships... they're to short or too fat or not attractive or they're too shy. But hey.. if you'd rather blame something that you have no control over for your life going nowhere... your choice.

Just know that nobody has a happy life without putting some effort into it, but if you'd rather not put effort into it and complain about how life isn't fair, I'll leave you to it.

 

[MRMATTX2]

Soilwork makes some very good points here.

I'm 42, and I can't say I'm "happy or excited" to be gay....but I've long since come to terms with the fact that I am - and I would'nt change that now even if it were possible.

Gay or straight, life truly is what you make of it. I've met enough gay people, heard all the relationship horrors....and a few beautiful love stories. It happens, there are gay men out there in serious LTR's.
Of course, it's hard to find quality people out there, as friends or partners...and that goes for gay and straight. But, being unhappy and having a negative attitude about it will only make you more miserable.

 

[Soilwork]

well, my FIRST reply wasn't a typical "get over it" post... I thought it was quite constructive.

But it got written off as "bullshit".

So I peeled off the sugar coating.

One of the many things I've learned in my life is that some people would rather be miserable so long as it takes a bit less effort. The only thing some people are capable of putting effort into is bad mouthing people who put effort into other things.

(oh, and just in case.. that's not really aimed specifically at you. I've already had one paranoid PM from someone I seldom even notice who accused me of stalking them for posting in the same thread as he did.)

 

[runner]

I enjoy every gay sexual act I have, but I am not excited about being gay. If I could change my inclinations, I would. I understand perfectly.

 

[Soilwork]

And I've come to learn that some people assume you're miserable because you don't necessarily share in their sunny optimism. Do some people not put enough effort into life? Perhaps. Others are just realists, but of course they are often still regarded as the lazy, misery loving bunch who should learn to feel or think another way somehow.

Oh, I'm certianly not an optimist. I think I'm quite a realist, to be honest. I know that everything worth having takes work and determination, and even then you're not guaranteed to get anything other than a broken heart.

But if someone is willing to sit down and figure out what it is that they want from life (not an easy thing to do, I might add) and then take the necessary steps to get it, they've got a much higher chance of being happy.

I wasn't always such a little ray of fucking sunshine, you know.

And those who regard us as such too often mistake condescension for constructive criticism. Perhaps they mean well, but I'm not convinced sometimes.

Oh, and I don't necessarily mean you Soilwork.

well, you do.

but that's ok.

I'm used to playing the part of the messenger who got shot.

 

[Christopher123]

I am a gay person who wake up in the morning and feel like the quote above.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't saying that there's absolutely no one who is happy being gay. I personally don't walk around saying, "I'm happy to be gay," but I don't walk around saying, "I'm UN-happy being gay," either.

Because I'm not. I'm happy with myself now. I was saying I didn't USED to be happy. I was damn scared. As I'm sure many others were and may still be.

But there are guys out there who don't like what they are. It sucks, yes, but they're out there. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't make me sad to read the posts of the guys here who don't like what they are. But then there are a LOT of people out there, gay or not, who don't like themselves. The world is full of them.

 

[JayHew]

Soilwork, you are pretty much right on. But there are some who will not change the thought patterns that have driven their lives. I don't mean this as a put down, but just pointing out that many feel this is who they are and can't change.

I'm 58 and am happy despite many things in life that didn't work out and wasted time (19 year marriage). Being gay was not the problem, being just me has been. But there is no limit to living and no time table to it either. Life can begin over at any time and still hold hope and wonder.

It depends on our attitude and outlook. We actually can make our own reality, it requires us to think differently. Thoughts make us what we are and if we hold thoughts of negative, we become that way. If we hold thoughts of worthlessness, we become that, etc. It is a challenge to change this, but constant effort makes it possible. then we go back to automatic thinking and processing and could slip back into things again.

Overall, I have choosen to be happy despite all that has happened and my life is far better than it could have been and some I have seen with friends and family. The only thing different is I chose to be happy. Again it is not said as a put down to those who are different, but the sad thing is, most will accept what they have and not do anything to make it different. It takes a great deal of effort and time to make the change permanent, being taken out of our comfort zone patterns and making new ones. It also takes a belief in a power beyond what we call ourselves (ego) and knowing we are beyond what we appear.

MHO.

 

[MetaKnight]

Im not happy bout my life right now, but I agree with J. You have to go for what you want, its not just gonna come by itself. And well, thats what Im workin on. Slowly, but Im gettin there.