Relationship advice needed. I have a really toxic relationship and I don't know whos at fault. I hate that I cant get out

[eastofeden]

Did everyone gloss over the part where I got him into trouble at work? I'm surprised no one here has called me a monster yet because thats how I feel. I truly was not looking to get him into trouble but I was just so overwhelmed and did not know how to properly control my emotions. 9 months later...even after apologizing profusely to him, I still feel like such a monster. I feel like if I didnt make this huge mistake, maybe I could have been his rebound or something.

No..that is what I called "crazy bitch"...and despite everything he did...it is wrong and you will not like yourself much if you do that again....

It doesn't make you a monster though.....

The disturbing part is that you would want to be his rebound....and you think it is all your fault....

Maybe look for someone who likes all races of men for dating or sex...you may have better luck.

 

[theweakling]

Him initiating the "I like you so much"'s and the "I want to see you every night"'s in retrospect seems him wanting attention and toying with my feelings. The part where he told me that he had to see someone else exclusively but then booty call me but then flake seemed like he was toying with me. Even if it wasnt deliberate cruelty, it was hurtful that he couldnt even acknowledge that this was something that was mean...couldnt even sincerely apologize.

and then theres also the constant making me rush over to his place when in reality there was no need for me to rush...and also making me come over and only fucking me for thirty seconds but then saying "oh i jerked off 5 times already and im tired"...then why call me over?

 

[G-Lexington]

Him initiating the "I like you so much"'s and the "I want to see you every night"'s in retrospect seems him wanting attention and toying with my feelings. The part where he told me that he had to see someone else exclusively but then booty call me but then flake seemed like he was toying with me. Even if it wasnt deliberate cruelty, it was hurtful that he couldnt even acknowledge that this was something that was mean...couldnt even sincerely apologize.

So...what? Is that what you're waiting for? An apology? Him to realize how cruelly he treated you? Because instead, every time you go back over there, you're getting another item on the list of things he needs to apologize for you.

The right thing to do when somebody repeatedly treats you bad is to simply cut that person out of your life. He was an asshole. So cut the asshole out of your life.

...and no, you going crazy bitch on him doesn't mean you "deserve" him treating you like an asshole. Cut him out.

Le

 

[KaraBulut]

He hooked himself a co-dependent. The key word is hooked. The two of you are a perfect storm. You are trying to re-create something that never was. You trusted him initially, but did so too soon. His behavior since is all manipulation and lies. He’s proved who he really is and now it’s on you. Your choice is to run and not look back or continue the craziness because of the sex. Which would you tell a friend to chose?

And I'm going to add, because Seasoned did not include it: given the scenario, your inability to let it go and overwhelming codependence of the situation, you should consider working with a therapist to break this pattern. Otherwise, you'll just find another "user" to take his place.

 

[theweakling]

I actually drafted a suicide note on Saturday. Its since been deleted but it just still hurts so much.

Part of me still wants to message him on his grindr profile and say. "the person who this profile pic belongs to told me that this profile is fake. im going to report it so that ip address gets banned and you don't get to use grindr anymore"
maybe if I say that, he'll come clean about lying to me...or maybe he'll just ignore it and I'll look even crazier than I already am to him and push him even further away. Like I'm clearly a very obsessive person...once the idea pops into my head I just latch onto it...this is the type of stuff I'm thinking about. No doubt even if he did come clean about lying, he'll find some way to pin it back on me.

 

[theweakling]

And I'm going to add, because Seasoned did not include it: given the scenario, your inability to let it go and overwhelming codependence of the situation, you should consider working with a therapist to break this pattern. Otherwise, you'll just find another "user" to take his place.

I've seen like three different therapists...they've all been super logical and reasonable and level headed in their advice but I'm still constantly obsessing over it.

 

[rareboy]

I stopped right here



I already know how this story's gonna end sister. And honestly I think you know too, you seem pretty smart so I won't patronize you with cheerleading and pep talks. I'd like to imagine you're going to count your losses and leave the table but I was your age once and I fell into the same traps-- and nobody could tell me nothin. So uhhh, good luck?

I knew someone would do all the work for me.

What he said.

Move on. Now.

 

[theweakling]

"The person who this profile picture belongs to says that this profile is fake and not him. I'm going to report this profile for impersonation so that the IP address gets banned and you won't be able to use Grindr anymore. Simply blocking me won't work since I have this profile favorited on a different phone. As far as I'm concerned, the only way you're getting out of this is if you show photo ID to Grindr to keep your profile in which case I'll know you're lying to me. If you don't do this, well, then I guess you'll have to find some other app where you can find some interchangeable Asian bottom for you to toy with and lie to and emotionally fuck with. If this really "John Doe", you can save yourself the trouble by coming clean and having the balls to be honest with me for once in your life."

His name is obvs not really John Doe. If I send this message will it blow up in my face? I made a catfish profile on Friday and tricked him into verifying his address and I may have hinted at it the last time we spoke...but he still wouldn't come clean. I'm so emotionally disturbed I disgust myself and it's so tiring.

 

[sixthson]

This stopped being about him a long time ago. Your obsession with him has become toxic to him, to you and to everyone involved in your life. If you don't stop this NOW, you are going to experience a total break with reality or worse. The more you post, the worse you look. You aren't even listening to what anyone here says just like you apparently did not listen to your therapists.
It's up to you now to get healthy. If you don't make the decision to do that now, you are going to spiral down into a very dark pit that will be very difficult for you to climb out of. Do not do what you posted in #28. Get yourself some serious help and this time work on yourself.
BTW, you did something stupid. It doesn't make you a monster. If you are genuinely remorseful about what you did, then stop trying to do it again. AND as others have said, take control of your own life, not his, and do everything in your power to forget him. It may not be easy, but it is essential to you living a healthy, happy life.

One other thing: there are guys here who have probably been through the same thing as you. I'm sure they'd be happy to talk with you in private to encourage you on your road to good mental/emotional health.

 

[G-Lexington]

Catfishing him is doing absolutely nothing to help you. And sabotaging his grindr profile (or "exposing the fraud" - whatever you want to call it) will do absolutely nothing to help you. And I have a feeling the suicide note was in the same vein as "he'll be sorry when he reads this"...which does absolutely nothing to help you. You're alternately looking for him to "make things right" and looking at making him "pay for what he did". And to be blunt, neither is worth the time and effort.

Mental exercise. Let's say he contacts you and apologizes. "Hey, I ws kind of shitty to you - sorry about all that." Then what? You graciously accept his policy, then turn around and skip into the sunrise, ready to continue your life? I'm going to go ahead and say that's pretty unlikely. I'm pretty sure that you want an apology not just for the confirmation that you were ill-used, but so the contact can continue.

You said way back in your first post that you had been seeking "closure". "Closure" does not mean "having an ending that is satisfactory to me". It means putting an end to that portion of your life. You were involved with a guy who was a user. It should end with you saying to yourself, "despite the good sex at the beginning, he ended up being not what I hoped he'd be. So I won't put any more time and effort into him, and instead focus on the people and things that do make me feel good." That should be your "closure".

You need something else - anything else - to focus on. Presumably not another guy (yet) because chances are you'd see a repeat of tgis sort of behavior with him. I'd work on yourself. Not just by hitting the gym (although that's fine) but by working on your inner self as well. You need to start loving yourself some more. Because once you do, you'll realize that doing anything regarding this guy is a waste of time and effort.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I've seen like three different therapists...they've all been super logical and reasonable and level headed in their advice but I'm still constantly obsessing over it.

Did you actually take their advice?

 

[theweakling]

Did you actually take their advice?

Most of the time...I had the self control to not contact him in those six months. I tried to limit stalking him on social media but occasionally gave in and it usually ended up making me feel worse seeing him live his fabulous life while I was stuck alone at home crying

Again I am a very emotional person so sometimes those urges overpower the reason. It's like I know what I SHOULD do but it's those intenses moments of emotion and longing and nostalgia that get me. That being said I appreciate everyone in this thread and a lot of what's being said is a lot more insightful than certain therapists constantly repeatedly asking "well how does that make you feel?"

 

[G-Lexington]

"How does that make you feel?" isn't actually the cop-out it's sometimes made to be. A lot of the time, people don't really examine their emotions, and what's causing them, and why they're doing what they're doing. Simply by articulating what your emotions are, you're introducing an element of critical thinking. "I am feeling X. I have this feeling because he did Y, and that makes me want to respond with Z." It allows you to take a small step back and eye the situation more impassively, and hopefully give it a more critical eye. And - forgive me for saying so - it sounds like you probably could use more of this.

We cannot control the emotions we feel, to a great extent. But we CAN control our actions. Getting angry when somebody cuts us off in traffic is a completely natural thing to happen, and nobody would blame anybody for feeling angry. But you WOULD be called to task if you then slammed your car into theirs. You couldn't simply tell the cops "hey, he cut me off, and I got angry". Your anger would be totally valid. Your actions - slamming into his car -would not be.

Similarly, when you had this rather tumultuous relationship with this guy, your emotions - anger, grief, confusion - were all totally valid. Your actions, in many cases, were not. It's totally understandable to feel upset, angry, heartbroken when a relationship ends badly. But your actions can't be waved away with "well, I was emotional". You do need to step back and - yes! - think about your emotions. "What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What is this emotion making me want to do? What will be the ramifications if I do this thing? Will the net result be positive or negative? Will I actually come away from this action feeling better or worse about myself?"

There's a saying I like to throw around - "the best revenge is a life well-lived". It's pithy, but there's a lot of truth in those few words.

* If you focus your time and energy in a "life well-lived", you will be focusing on things that make you happy, and put you in a better spot. That's a far better place to put your time and energy than in "checking out what the ex is up to".

* If by some chance your ex- DOES peek back to see what you're up to, you'll be in that better spot.

* And if your ex- DOESN'T peek back to see what you're up to...well, you're busy living a damn good life. Who the hell cares if this guy from your past is watching or not?

So if you want some advice on "what to do now"...

* Don't "end it" with this guy. Assume it's ALREADY ended. Delete the number from the phone and block it. Block him on social media. If he's not reachable on your phone or computer, you'll be a lot less tempted to look in on him, or to contact him. Act like he vanished into outer space, and you can never contact him again. Eyes forward.

* Whenever you feel the emotions swimming back, take that step back. Say it all out loud (scream it, or blubber it through the tears, if necessary). "I'm feeling X. I'm feeling this way because of Y. This feeling is making me want to do Z." Then, continue on from there. "What will the ramifications of this action be? Will this end up being a positive or negative thing? Will I feel better about myself and about the situation if I actually do that? What might be some other options I can do instead of this action, that might have a more positive outcome?"

* Related to that last bit...nature abhors a vacuum. You can't simply "not do" something - you'll be sitting there, sitting on your hands, itching to do SOMETHING. So, start coming up with some things to do. What are some things that make you happy? Make a list on your phone. Reading a good story? A hot bath? Jogging? Playing R&B hits on your kazoo? It really doesn't matter what the hell they are. Write as many down as you possibly can think of. Then, give yourself permission to go do these things next time you feel the urge to contact the guy. "Instead of contacting him, I'm going to go for a jog to help get into better shape." "Instead of getting angry about him again, I'm going to put on my favorite album, and draw pictures of angry koala bears." Whatever works best for you.

Lex

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

I've seen like three different therapists...they've all been super logical and reasonable and level headed in their advice but I'm still constantly obsessing over it.

This is the ego at work. You want something and you're upset at the universe for having the audacity to deny you. I've met very few people who can happily operate from the ego. If you wanna get over him, expand your world. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Learn a new language, spend time with at-risk youth helping them with their math homework. Most people I know who live life in the service of others are genuinely and deeply happy. Or you can be miserable and run around hoping that this guy who has already shown his true colors is gonna reciprocate your affection (spoiler alert: he won't).

I have a sinking feeling about this, if I may be honest. Guys in your age group rarely snap out of it and walk away with their dignity (and sanity) in tact, I really really really REALLY hope you don't let this run you into the ground. Because it will. It already has in some ways. Good luck.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

It looks to me like this episode you have been describing has become your WHOLE life. If it has become that for you and you continue to let it be, that would be a hell of your own creation. You don't want that and none of us who have been talking to you in this thread want to see it happen.

Please stop, refocus your life, and get back on the path you were on before this episode ever began. Only you can do it and you can do it only by ceasing to relive the events that are torturing you.

LET IT GO !

 

[hylas]

I'm Asian too, if it matters. It's a hard world out there, here's a hug.

Now, that being said...

GURL. SNAP. OUT. OF. IT.


***


Some people smoke cigarettes. Some drink. Some people do excessive drugs. Some cut their skin, some develop eating disorders. Some have unprotectet sex, some gamble, some overspend, etc etc etc. There are many, many different ways for people to hurt themselves. Yours is... whatever hot mess you got going on here.

If you keep slamming your fist on the self-destruct button the way you are now... you will not lead a happy life. No matter how much you hurt yourself, it will never, ever be enough to fill that void in you.

I truly hope that you will find another way for yourself. I truly hope that you can learn to love yourself more.

 

[theweakling]

One reoccuring thought I keep having (because I cant distract myself 24/7) that is torturing me is I will constantly think about and imagine him having sex with another even younger Asian bottom with a nicer body and making that other person super happy...as happy as he used to make me. I think about it and mentally it makes me feel like I'm sitting helplessly in a corner watching and it makes irrationally upset. Its this one thought in particular that I can't stop thinking about and probably makes me feel the worst and I'm not sure how to process it.

also edit: I'm not ignoring anyone just not replying individually. Again, I appreciate all of you in this thread. You've all talked me off some figurative ledges already.

 

[Seasoned]

You can only get better if you want to get better. It doesn’t matter how many therapists you’ve been to. The work must come from you.

There are self-help books describing co-dependency and there are co-dependent groups such as Al-anon. Without some type of intervention you’ll keep trying to make this “work,” and keep running the risk of behavior which will get crazier.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

One reoccuring thought I keep having (because I cant distract myself 24/7) that is torturing me is I will constantly think about and imagine him having sex with another even younger Asian bottom with a nicer body and making that other person super happy...as happy as he used to make me. I think about it and mentally it makes me feel like I'm sitting helplessly in a corner watching and it makes irrationally upset. Its this one thought in particular that I can't stop thinking about and probably makes me feel the worst and I'm not sure how to process it.

also edit: I'm not ignoring anyone just not replying individually. Again, I appreciate all of you in this thread. You've all talked me off some figurative ledges already.

Pardon the Barbara Streisand cliche, you don't love him, you love the idea of him. This specific guy didn't make you happy, it was the fact that you had a warm body to hold onto. It could've been any guy, maybe one that treats you even worse than he did, and we'd still be here having this "What do I do?" conversation.

This is classic self-sabotage, this game is rigged against you and there's no conceivable way for you to win. That said, if you chose to continue knowing you'll lose and walk out empty then it sounds like you don't love yourself, in which case none of this is relevant because until you love yourself even a relationship with the best, nicest guy with the noblest intentions will still be doomed. Relationsihps do not work outside-in they work inside-out, the happiness has to already be there inside you or else it's just a codependent trainwreck waiting to happen (case in point).

I dunno any other way to say this except maybe this analogy, if your entire happiness were being bet on a race horse, with this situation you're putting all your chips on a disabled horse with a history of medical problems whose jockey has the least amount of wins. Extremely high-risk surpassed only by utter lack of reward. Continuing to pursue this relationship is probably the poorest choice you could make at the moment. Again, little to gain much to lose.

 

[G-Lexington]

One reoccuring thought I keep having (because I cant distract myself 24/7) that is torturing me is I will constantly think about and imagine him having sex with another even younger Asian bottom with a nicer body and making that other person super happy...as happy as he used to make me. I think about it and mentally it makes me feel like I'm sitting helplessly in a corner watching and it makes irrationally upset. Its this one thought in particular that I can't stop thinking about and probably makes me feel the worst and I'm not sure how to process it.

It is indeed possible that he's currently screwing a younger, hotter Asian guy. In which case that guy's position is secure just so long as yet another young(er), even-hotter Asian guy doesn't enter the picture.

If you need another thought to occupy your brain, how about this one. You with another guy. Where the sex is awesome, but even the times when you're NOT screwing like rabbits are awesome, too. Because you connect on a level that goes beyond your youth, your looks, and your Asian-ness.

Lex