Self-inflicted scars

[BrainDamage]

wearing longsleeved shirts in the summer isn't confortable. Winter's my favourite season.

At least 50 on my nondominant arm. about 30 on my left thigh andd 15 on my right thigh

Nowadays the ones on my arms are normally white and the ones on my thihgs are usually dark. right now, they're all blood shot red, which happens whenever i'm drunkl.

Octover 18. They're about 2 years old.

razor blades were too hard to remove. my weapon of choice was the needle of a compass from my geopmetry set, which resulted in wieder scars.

I don't heal well. even the ones that i didn't cause myself at that time took nearly a year to fully heal.

Since childhod, i've had a habit of picking at my scabs.


Why? don't remember. looking back now, I have a few hypotheses.

• to ensure that if i did survive that night, i would never live again. i destroyed so may things that night and during that period of time; education, family, friends, body, mind, soul. and it has worked wonderfully well. they'll severely impede or completely stop me from experiencing the most basic things in life. fuck. is impede the right word? i brought this upon myself cuz i'm so stupid

• objectivity. as close to it as one can get. beauty is no longer in the eyes of the beholder. there's nothing solid to hold onto in life and i don't have the capability to create any. a solid ground is needed to move in any direction.

• is it because i'm too weak for life?

I'll die with them. they'll remain inredibly conspicuous; . I should feel complete and utter hopelessness, i think. i should feel anger at myself. i should feel sadness. maybe this was a survival mechanism. my mind knew that feeling these things would drive me back to daeth. . hence today i have so much trouble feeling the slightest of bit of genuine emotion.

Is this why i drink? uninhibited. i get so bipolar when i drink. And that's when these raw emotions hit em. am i trying to remember what it feels like to want to end it all?. drink myself stupider and brain dead

what now? what do we do with these scars? i don't knmow how to put value and meaning into life in order to muster up enough strength to live with this.


sorry. i'm going to go pass out.

 

[Seasoned]

You've reached out for help by writing this. So take this a step further and seek mental health treatment. It seems as if you need an evaluation followed by treatment. The main thing is to stop hurting yourself.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just based upon the little that you've said, it sounds like you're self-medicating with alcohol and the endorphins that your body releases when you cut yourself.

The answer is to get at the underlying depression and anxiety that are triggering all of this. Unfortunately, that's not something that can be done in a forum. As soreknees indicated, it's time for you to seek the help of a professional.

 

[Telstra]

hey you are only 23 ... very young.
please seek help.

I'm sure there are plenty of help services in Canada.

 

[goodguybad]

Sweetie, you're a cutter. If you don't know what that is search it. I've been there and I have to recommend that until you get this under control you do not get drunk. When you're drunk you don't feel pain the same way and this leads you to cut a lot deeper.

You do need help for this, but fear not, it's becoming more common, and there isn't as much of a stigma as there used to be. I'm 29 now, and I haven't cut since I was 25 or so. I really don't want to suggest this to you, but if you do have to continue harming yourself, you might want to think about burning as opposed to cutting. It doesn't leave as noticble a scare if you do it right, and it's not as dangerous because the wound is courtirized and sterilized as it's done, and you may not even feel the need to burn to the point of damage to the skin. A little touch of a lit cig to my skin, just enough to cause a small welp was usually enough for me to get through my stress.

These brings back so many memories for me. I used to tell people "you're tears are clear, mine are red, that's all." it was a way of getting the emotions out when you've shut down and no longer have the ability to cry, or scream, or do the typical things you do to get your feelings out.

Stop being so considerate of other people's feelings. If you're feeling bad, you have a right to that feeling and let some one know that. Talk about what's going on with you. You don't have to take out your emotions on others, but don't be afraid to tell them. Just find someone you can bitch to about what's happening in your life. Venting can really help.

 

[BrainDamage]

My apologies. Had I been sober, I would have expected such predictable responses and would have never posted.

Do I really seem that naïve?

Thank you anyways, but I don't need help from others. Like all of life's issues, they're meant to be solved alone; no one else is qualified enough nor cares enough. I'll figure this out myself too, even if it kills me.

 

[Telstra]

My apologies. Had I been sober, I would have expected such predictable responses and would have never posted.

Do I really seem that naïve?

Thank you anyways, but I don't need help from others. Like all of life's issues, they're meant to be solved alone; no one else is qualified enough nor cares enough. I'll figure this out myself too, even if it kills me.

Human are social animals. We feed off each other.
No one can survive alone in the wild or in the big city.

Even if you can survive alone, you need to go to the shop (which runs by human hence you need other people).

Only you can help yourself but other people give good advice or suggestions.

 

[BrainDamage]

Sorry, but I find this type of advice to be too predictable, too irrelevant, too simplistic, too...like building a damn with a layer of tissue paper. Thank you anyways.

 

[verybothered]

Curious as to why you posted - drunk or not. Email me and let's talk a little. No harm in that, is there?

*removed by moderator*

Nothing to lose but a little of your time.

 

[Chris421]

What kind of response were you hoping for? People telling you too bad, you're fucked?

I think the majority of us have been in a similar position.

Confuzzled, maybe it's where you are but I'm in Winnipeg and there are plenty of services. I've called help lines not only for myself but also for advice about what to do with my suicidal ex-girlfriend. I think I got a lot of help with that.

Also when I was 13-14 I had tried to overdose, fell asleep for a good while and woke up feeling so terrible. So I told my Mom what I had done and I went to the hospital. I was there overnight on suicide watch and then voluntarily admitted to the psych ward. It's actually kind of hard to think about it right now since I haven't for such a long time.

I had started to self-harm myself when I was 12 and stopped when I was about 16 or 17. I've had a couple of times since then that I hurt myself but on a scale of how it was it is a lot better.

Brain Damage, I'm not going to sugar coat anything. It's hard, but only you can stop yourself from harming yourself. You have to want to stop it. This doesn't mean that talking to others won't put you at ease, but ultimately it's your choice.

Now, that last paragraph only really applies if you are still self-harming, I can't really tell from your first post.

I live with my scars too, the hair on my arms somewhat cover them but when I get tan they show much more. I was ashamed and wanted to hide them. Sometimes I still wonder if others see them and I feel self conscious, but in the end I don't give a shit. It's in the past and it's nothing I can take back.

Let me know if I'm totally off track with my post.

 

[texan_slant]

My apologies. Had I been sober, I would have expected such predictable responses and would have never posted.

Do I really seem that naïve?

Thank you anyways, but I don't need help from others. Like all of life's issues, they're meant to be solved alone; no one else is qualified enough nor cares enough. I'll figure this out myself too, even if it kills me.

YES, you seem naive - if you think that you're supposed to figure this shit out on your own.

If you posted - drunk or not - you were reaching out, even if the acohol helped that wall come down for enough minutes in which you could post.

My mother was a "cutter" who used safety pins to keep poking at her face for hours on end - until it was all bloody. She used to be beautiful, and as a child, was a victim of abuse (sexual and physical), and never had the right hand of cards dealt to her in life. She has lived through life unhappy, blaming my father, emotionally abusing husband and children, and dealing with anger. I don't see any love that she has for herself.

When she was pregnant with me, her water broke while she was cutting in the bathroom. As a 4-yr old, I would stare, and watch in disbelief, and it was such a normal thing for me to watch that I didn't realize she was hurting herself. I seriously think that this is the reason why I have such a high tolerance for pain. I sometimes think that to watch this pain has made me numb.

So, don't criticize other people for posting such "predictable" responses! The responses are predictable cuz there's truth to it - and you just don't want to hear it. So the "predictable responses" are nobody's fault but your own.

You need help; there's a reason for your pain; whatever happened to warrant this pain prob wasn't your fault; and you not only owe it to yourself, but you owe it to your loved ones to stop this senseless abuse to yourself - cuz as in my example, you could very well be impacting other people in the process.

 

[LonelyFace]

My apologies. Had I been sober, I would have expected such predictable responses and would have never posted.

Do I really seem that naïve?

Thank you anyways, but I don't need help from others. Like all of life's issues, they're meant to be solved alone; no one else is qualified enough nor cares enough. I'll figure this out myself too, even if it kills me.

Translation: I don't want help, because I am now so suicidal that I want nothing more than to be able to die (I know exactly how that feels).

I'm annoyed with myself for getting drunk enough to let people know that I really want help deep down (yes, it sounds cheesy, but I don't know how else to say it), so I try to hide it by being snarky and pretending to be smarter and (likely) more nihilistic than I really am.

I appreciate your concern for me, but I don't want it because I just want to die. What I'm saying about issues meant to be solved alone is just some bullshit I typed up to make people think I'm ok, when in reality I don't even believe in what I wrote. I have no faith in people because life has made me come to the conclusion that people only hurt me and that I'll never be happy. I'll figure this out myself too, even if it kills me, which is exactly what I want it to do.
-------
This, BrainDamage, is your "brain damage" talking. Don't let it win. I know you don't really believe in what you're telling us. Otherwise, you really wouldn't have done something so smart when you were wasted (wow, do I sound like everyone else now?).

Don't give up on humanity just yet. Don't give up on yourself yet, either.
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you."--Ovid

 

[BrainDamage]

What kind of response were you hoping for? People telling you too bad, you're fucked?

I think the majority of us have been in a similar position.

I expected people to tell me that I have to try and stop, that I need professional help, that many people can related, under the assumption that I care.

Also when I was 13-14 I had tried to overdose, fell asleep for a good while and woke up feeling so terrible. So I told my Mom what I had done and I went to the hospital. I was there overnight on suicide watch and then voluntarily admitted to the psych ward. It's actually kind of hard to think about it right now since I haven't for such a long time.

If I'm not mistaken, the key is to take anti-nausea pills a few hours before attempting to overdose. Otherwise, you may find people forcing charcoal down your throat, where the carbon can neutralize the active ingredients in the drug.

Brain Damage, I'm not going to sugar coat anything. It's hard, but only you can stop yourself from harming yourself. You have to want to stop it. This doesn't mean that talking to others won't put you at ease, but ultimately it's your choice.

Now, that last paragraph only really applies if you are still self-harming, I can't really tell from your first post.

No. I'm not. This was two years ago. It was a conscious decision.

YES, you seem naive - if you think that you're supposed to figure this shit out on your own.

If you posted - drunk or not - you were reaching out, even if the acohol helped that wall come down for enough minutes in which you could post.

My mother was a "cutter" who used safety pins to keep poking at her face for hours on end - until it was all bloody. She used to be beautiful, and as a child, was a victim of abuse (sexual and physical), and never had the right hand of cards dealt to her in life. She has lived through life unhappy, blaming my father, emotionally abusing husband and children, and dealing with anger. I don't see any love that she has for herself.

When she was pregnant with me, her water broke while she was cutting in the bathroom. As a 4-yr old, I would stare, and watch in disbelief, and it was such a normal thing for me to watch that I didn't realize she was hurting herself. I seriously think that this is the reason why I have such a high tolerance for pain. I sometimes think that to watch this pain has made me numb.

So, don't criticize other people for posting such "predictable" responses! The responses are predictable cuz there's truth to it - and you just don't want to hear it. So the "predictable responses" are nobody's fault but your own.

You need help; there's a reason for your pain; whatever happened to warrant this pain prob wasn't your fault; and you not only owe it to yourself, but you owe it to your loved ones to stop this senseless abuse to yourself - cuz as in my example, you could very well be impacting other people in the process.

"Predictable because there's truth to it."
I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. They're predictable because they're predictable, formulated under false presumptions.

There is no pain. If there was, I would be suicidal because of this so-called unbearable pain. At this point, most of you are probably going to interpret this as "numbness." There was no abuse. Life was far from perfect, but nothing out of the ordinary. There are no "loved ones." Even if there were, I would have no obligation to them. How they're impacted by me is their own problem.

Someone gets into a car accident and is rendered a paraplegic. Someone else gets cancer. Other people experience pain and abuse, thus they resort to self-harm.

I'm fairly certain that I chose to do this simply because I could.

So yes. These responses are predictable. Like telling me that the sky is blue. I never asked what colour the sky is.

I know you mean well. Thanks anyways.

Translation: I don't want help, because I am now so suicidal that I want nothing more than to be able to die (I know exactly how that feels).

I'm annoyed with myself for getting drunk enough to let people know that I really want help deep down (yes, it sounds cheesy, but I don't know how else to say it), so I try to hide it by being snarky and pretending to be smarter and (likely) more nihilistic than I really am.

I appreciate your concern for me, but I don't want it because I just want to die. What I'm saying about issues meant to be solved alone is just some bullshit I typed up to make people think I'm ok, when in reality I don't even believe in what I wrote. I have no faith in people because life has made me come to the conclusion that people only hurt me and that I'll never be happy. I'll figure this out myself too, even if it kills me, which is exactly what I want it to do.
-------

Well, I commend you for your effort, but this is probably a description of your own experiences, which you're trying to mirror onto me.

At the moment, I can't recall what it feels like to be truly suicidal. Help would be good, but rationality tells me that it's not something that I can find here. Alcohol impairs rationality. Life has been nothing out of the ordinary and the only one who has hurt me is myself. Happiness and faith in people are foreign concepts but hardly for the reason you described. If I wanted to pretend, I would have lied and told a story like yours.

This, BrainDamage, is your "brain damage" talking. Don't let it win. I know you don't really believe in what you're telling us. Otherwise, you really wouldn't have done something so smart when you were wasted (wow, do I sound like everyone else now?).

How exactly am I not "okay"? How exactly is my brain damaged? How much help has been offered thus far? You're trying to cure cancer with band-aids. Valiant effort greatly appreciated. All for naught.

 

[bankside]

ask a predictable question, get a predictable response.

 

[LonelyFace]

Well, I commend you for your effort, but this is probably a description of your own experiences, which you're trying to mirror onto me.

At the moment, I can't recall what it feels like to be truly suicidal. Help would be good, but rationality tells me that it's not something that I can find here. Alcohol impairs rationality. Life has been nothing out of the ordinary and the only one who has hurt me is myself. Happiness and faith in people are foreign concepts but hardly for the reason you described. If I wanted to pretend, I would have lied and told a story like yours.

How exactly am I not "okay"? How exactly is my brain damaged? How much help has been offered thus far? You're trying to cure cancer with band-aids. Valiant effort greatly appreciated. All for naught.

Don't be so mean. I'm not trying to mirror anything onto you. The only reason why "rationality" tells you that you won't find help here is because you will refuse to accept it, because you don't actually want it. And you ARE lying. You didn't need to tell a story like mine.

Mental illness is called mental illness for a reason. Many people have it and it's really not anything to be ashamed of. There are ways to help you, and a lot of ways have been offered to you already. You just refuse to let yourself accept that. Let go of your pride, otherwise it'll just kill you. Or is that what you really want? Is that why it's "all for naught?"

 

[texan_slant]

"Predictable because there's truth to it."
I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. They're predictable because they're predictable, formulated under false presumptions.

UM, I understand. Well, you think that predicatable-is-predictable because unless anyone's walked in your shoes, they don't get it, so you're probably thinking, "how can they possibly offer up a solution if they don't even know one iota about me, or my life?"

That, my friend, *is the God-honest-truth* - however, bringing up your personal issues in a semi-public place under Health & Well-Being is going to get people who take up valuable minutes of their life trying to provide you with a solution.

If you don't want to hear the predictable feedback, you only have it in yourself to give yourself some resolution; if you don't want that resolution, which is entirely what this sounds like, then no sweat off my back.

Well, BrainDamage, you are surely entitled to your own judgements. Just remember, though - once someone gives you their time, they don't get it back - it's gone. So, I hope that minimally, you're full of gratitude towards the people who care enough to post here.

In this thread, you've now judged us as you have perceived that we have judged you - so it's all fair game now....for all we know, your cutting is a fetish.

 

[Lefty]

ah brain dead,here is two more cents...maybe even a nickle.

1. they are not self inflicted body scars. they are self inflicted wounds. the scars are the body retaliating.

2. the wounds you are inflicting on your brain will never heal until you find someone that can help you stop picking at the mental SCABS.

ok, there you have it. conventional, boring, opiate for the masses responses that do not apply to your special situation, to your unique position in the ralm of and the scheme of life.

now, as i see it:

a.you are using these guys to continue slicing and dicing at your psyche because it hurts so good.

b. You have All the answers already(you've said so again and again btw)

c. and this is lefty talking now for the summary...fucking a man you have all the answers. just too DAMN bad you have all the wrong questions.you like cutting? then cut your head out of your ass. slice off this negative superiority growth you are fostering and finally pinch that load of shit (self pity) grab the toilet tissue (friends, professionals...whoever) clean up and join us mediocre idiot savants in playing the game of life.

ok is now sagging from overwork and strain so i'll stop for now but when you finally get on the highway, at me i'll be the guy with in the mental testa rosa (or maybe my porsche) racing down lifes highway... for now.

 

[spencer]

do you think that the people that build modern dams just had innate dam building abilities. do you think it's a stretch that they went to school to learn about structures and engineering, maybe studies in materials?

when someone lacks the ability to solve a problem, they draw upon others for experience.

some people can't quit smoking on their own. are you going to make fun of them if they seek help to quit and actually do quit?

when someone lacks in the the experience to be able to help themselves properly, they draw upon others to help them. how do we even have vaccinations to prevent polio?

There, was the less predictable enough for you, or would you like me to write it out on your arm for you?

do what you need to do and if you can't, then ask a cutter who stopped what they did. that person is obviously better than you are at fixing what was wrong with him or her. You're not.

 

[BrainDamage]

UM, I understand. Well, you think that predicatable-is-predictable because unless anyone's walked in your shoes, they don't get it, so you're probably thinking, "how can they possibly offer up a solution if they don't even know one iota about me, or my life?"

That, my friend, *is the God-honest-truth* - however, bringing up your personal issues in a semi-public place under Health & Well-Being is going to get people who take up valuable minutes of their life trying to provide you with a solution.

If you don't want to hear the predictable feedback, you only have it in yourself to give yourself some resolution; if you don't want that resolution, which is entirely what this sounds like, then no sweat off my back.

Well, BrainDamage, you are surely entitled to your own judgements. Just remember, though - once someone gives you their time, they don't get it back - it's gone. So, I hope that minimally, you're full of gratitude towards the people who care enough to post here.

In this thread, you've now judged us as you have perceived that we have judged you - so it's all fair game now....for all we know, your cutting is a fetish.

No. I think I asked what 1+1 is. I'm getting the answer to 2+2. Take a look at Mr. spencer above me. Take a look at Mr. Lefty. Take a look at yourself. Yet more people who think I'm still cutting, accompanied already by a hint of disdain.

As soon as this topic is brought up, your minds seem to immediately jump to these conclusions, drawn from your own experiences. These false assumptions about me are so engraved into your mind that you become oblivious to what I have to say. You can't even seem to read what I wrote earlier; that I haven't cut in two years. It was a conscious decision to start and stop. On the other hand, you cut as a means of release, a way to feel human, an escape from life, for a surge of endorphins, as an addiction.

I asked what 1+1 is. You tell me 4. You get upset at me when I tell you that's not the answer I want. Who cares what my problem is. Should I have asked you what 2+2 is? Should I have ranted on about being abused, disowned, feeling lonely, and an inability to stop cutting? Well, the answer would have been 4. You would have been happy to help yet another lost soul. In return, reality would have shattered even more in my eyes.

This is why it's predictable. Firstly, I know what 2+2 is already. Secondly, I knew that I would get 4 when I asked what 1+1 was.

So, when you take your "valuable time" but end up answering the question incorrectly, why should I be taking the heat? Are you angry because you got nothing in return for all that "valuable time?" No sense of accomplishment and appreciation?

That's okay. I'm not judging you. Selfishness is innate. It's understandable. I wouldn't believe it even if my own parents told me that they just want to help me because they care. No hyperbole. After all, this should be the last place where you'd go looking for judgemental people, right?

1. they are not self inflicted body scars. they are self inflicted wounds. the scars are the body retaliating.

2. the wounds you are inflicting on your brain will never heal until you find someone that can help you stop picking at the mental SCABS.

ok, there you have it. conventional, boring, opiate for the masses responses that do not apply to your special situation, to your unique position in the ralm of and the scheme of life.

now, as i see it:

a.you are using these guys to continue slicing and dicing at your psyche because it hurts so good.

b. You have All the answers already(you've said so again and again btw)

c. and this is lefty talking now for the summary...fucking a man you have all the answers. just too DAMN bad you have all the wrong questions.you like cutting? then cut your head out of your ass. slice off this negative superiority growth you are fostering and finally pinch that load of shit (self pity) grab the toilet tissue (friends, professionals...whoever) clean up and join us mediocre idiot savants in playing the game of life.

1. I don't know what your point is. Tinted lenses of perception may change your reality, but to me, scars are scars are scars.
2. I can heal my own mind. But last time I checked, finding someone to talk to isn't a cure for scars.

a. So, talking to other people about this is a bad thing now?
b. I have all the answers and I have none of the answers.
c. Are you saying that I give off an air of superiority? I apologize. As someone said earlier, alcohol is a good thing for me. Is your suggestion to kill off some brain cells, then change who I am (after defining who I am)? This is the only way to play the game, right?



Maybe I should leave. Do you see me as a pariah among you pariahs? It's not my intention to disrupt your imperfect yet functional world. It doesn't seem to be one to which I should belong.

 

[bankside]

I really don't want to prolong this conversation in a direction that might not be useful for anyone, including the OP, however this seems worth pursuing.

Mr. Damage, welcome aboard. Stay a while.

You compare your question to 1 + 1. People gave the answers they thought best. You seemed to feel they were the wrong answers. To feel that way, though, you had to have an idea in your head that 1 + 1 = 2, otherwise 3 or 4 or 7 would seem just as plausible to you.

So, it is not a surprise to me that people would find themselves annoyed if they determined you knew the answer was 2 all along and appeared to shoot them down in their attempts, wrong as they may have been, to help answer your question.

The other possibility, which I gather from your last post where you say you know the answer and yet you don't, is that you know what the answer isn't, but you still don't know what the answer is.

In that case, give yourself a break for not having figured everything out. And give the rest of us a break too, as we struggle alongside you to make sense of the universe, our problems, your problems, etc. If that makes any sense, it is probably a conversation worth continuing. If that doesn't make any sense, there is probably no harm in continuing the conversation anyway because you or one of us might accidentally say something useful.