Shocker: 50% of gay relationships are open

[Red Storm]

Honestly, I just want monogamy. I've read about the comparative studies (humans to other animals); about the seeming rarity of monogamy among sentient beings. But really, we only compare ourselves to animals whenever we want to legitimize certain behaviors. We don't really believe that we're just like other animals... at least, we certainly don't consistently behave as if we do.

But I digress.

All of the gay people that I know keep telling me that because I insist on monogamy: a) I'll eventually compromise my principles, or b) I'll be alone forever. They keep telling me that I have heterosexist expectations of gay relationships and that there are scarce, few gay dudes who want to be monogamous.

And the authors of the books that I read write that side-sex is just a fact of gay relationships.

All of that makes me feel like an alien. I mean, I have absolutely 0 desire to be in a supposed relationship with a dude, but fuck around on him. And I can't accept a dude fucking around on me. I'm waaay too jealous for that shit.

Sometimes I think my life would be a lot easier if I were more like most of the gay (and plenty of the straight) people I know. They fuck around on each other without compunction.

I blame my mom. Seriously. She was soooooo devoted to my dad. Truly, she was his down-ass bitch. Crazy... So, stuck in my head, I've got all of these crazy ideas--and determination--about true love and devotion and making shit work. Ugh!

I wish that I could just cut my fuckin' heart out.


Whew! I needed to get that off my chest.

I feel the same way and have been like that in the past ltrs I have had. Hey, but it is whatever works for some guys, some love to have open ltrs and have 3 somes etc. live and let live. I do prefer monogamy.

 

[maxpowr9]

Any socialogical survey is bound to be greatly skewed and that is why people need multiple tests to confirm a result.

The divorce rate is pretty high in the US also so I am not that surprised either way. It's just many of us, don't have the option go through marriage and divorce like heterosexuals.

 

[Red Storm]

Then that puts me in the 50% that are monog, cus we have been together for 25yrs and no one else.

good for you

 

[80KGold]

^ Yeah, I see what you mean. This is really the only study ever done about this topic. It's not as if this study is more evidence for what the purveyors of several other studies have suggested.

 

[Lube]

And honestly the survey could be about str8 people and I could care as little.

We need to stop believing all that is written about gay society, our culture and our communities and give everyone - especially the newest members and youngest - the freedom to be who they are without weight of expectation or the fear of non conformity from time wasting surveys like this.

I imagine that if JUB were a straight forum, and I reported a study that showed that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, that you'd want "the newest and youngest" impressionable straight people "stop believing" the statistic.

The problem is, ignoring, hiding, or denying the report does nothing to solve any (perceived) problem.

maybe that study only applies to that small geographic location, or the sample it purports to describe. I know that what may be common in LA is not common in Austin. Why should S.F. be an indicator of anywhere else, in fact how do we know that study is accurate?

I know that in my life, open relationships are the minority, certainly not half. And I want to make sure that everyone understands. I'm a huge advocate of open relationships, I think that's the only way to go.

But there's no way that my relationships, or the ones I've seen, are anywhere near that statistic.

Most of the relationships I've seen, by far the majority, have been monogamous.

Certainly, there are differences from region to region, country to country. Just as certainly, I can attest that in Minnesota--land of "Minnesota nice" and "midwest values"--the results are not the least bit surprising.

These statistics are in no way saying what any one person needs to do. They are not prescriptive, only descriptive. (And, even if they were, there's still 50% of people who are monogamous; it's not like it's 0.0001% or anything. 50% is a lot.)

So I guess I don't understand what all the sky-is-falling posts are about.

It's like decrying the divorce rate because you yourself are not divorced, nor are your friends. It doesn't change the fact that 50% of people get divorced. (And, by the same token, 50% don't get divorced--thus you and your friends fit into the statistics just fine, thank you.)

 

[Nomenclature]

^ It didn't say 100% or even 75% of gay relationships are open. 50%. Sure, that's more than straight people, but is it really more than the number of straight guys who cheat?

You seem to be misunderstanding something, Lube: This is "50% of those polled", not the entire gay population. If I were to go and ask 2 different people if they were in an open relationship and one said "yes", then I would report to you that 50% of people are in open relationships.

This is an important question that we need to answer: How many people were polled in this survey? Another good question is "What is the background of the people who answered that they're in open relationships?"; For all we know, they could have been getting some of their answers from swingers; A specific group of people who are okay with being in open relationships. Swingers are definitely a real group of people - gay or straight -, but they don't represent a majority of relationships. . .certainly not the average one.

Maybe gays are just more honest?

Maybe you're just generalizing too much?

 

[youngnihilist]

I doubt this was an accurate polling sample. Is this Joe guy a professional pollster? If not, it can't be relied on.

 

[treanir]

What about the San Fransisco State University? They were the actual researchers.
(original article)


So a study finds that 50% of those polled are in an open relationship... so what? Open, monogamous, poly, whatever you can think of is fine, as long as you (and your partner(s)) are happy with the situation.

I must say though that if I do a mental inventory of the partnered guys I'm familiar with, the number of open relationships is much, much higher than 50%. Not a representative sample, of course, but that's what I'm seeing.

 

[Corny]

Not representative indeed. I only know two couples that have an open relationship

 

[NineOfClubs]

I'm sure the 50% is the low range here.

In almost all "monogamous" relationships among gay men, one or both of the couple are cheating, having sex outside the relationship.

In one of my work places, two co-workers went on and on trumpeting the monogamy they each shared with their partner denouncing the very idea of an open relationship. Months later it came out that both had been fooling around with others, one of them with our "monogamously" coupled employer!

 

[SoulSearcher]

I dont think the bay area represents gay subcultures throughout the whole country, bay area also has a very high HIV rate still, so it figures.

 

[Lube]

What about the San Fransisco State University? They were the actual researchers.
(original article)


So a study finds that 50% of those polled are in an open relationship... so what? Open, monogamous, poly, whatever you can think of is fine, as long as you (and your partner(s)) are happy with the situation.

I must say though that if I do a mental inventory of the partnered guys I'm familiar with, the number of open relationships is much, much higher than 50%. Not a representative sample, of course, but that's what I'm seeing.

Thanks for a lucid, intelligent response.

 

[Lube]

I'm sure the 50% is the low range here.

In almost all "monogamous" relationships among gay men, one or both of the couple are cheating, having sex outside the relationship.

In one of my work places, two co-workers went on and on trumpeting the monogamy they each shared with their partner denouncing the very idea of an open relationship. Months later it came out that both had been fooling around with others, one of them with our "monogamously" coupled employer!

So based on that one situation, you conclude that almost all monogamous gay men in relationships are cheating? That's an unfair generalization, and you know it.

It sounds like he was simply using an example to illustrate his point.

 

[Lube]

When are you going to be lucid and intelligent and rephrase your thread title?

We're not allowed to change them.

Why, what do you think would be a better title?

 

[NineOfClubs]

No, he was using an example to make a sweeping, unfair generalization based on his biased viewpoint.

No, he wasn't.

Do you really want a laundry list of ALL the MANY couples who have split up, that I've known over a 40 year period? And I mean just the list of those who later discovered that during their long stretch of "monogamy" a great deal of cheating was going on. It would take more time to tell than I have, and wouldn't make a lot of fun reading for anyone.

Sure. That doesn't make these failed relationships "open", but it does point out that maybe they all would have been better served by being more open--maybe they'd still be happily coupled, even.

 

[Lube]

"Shocker: 50% of Bay Area gay relationships are open"

Like I said, that makes a world of difference.

Yeah, those Bay Area gays are all pervs.

Not like us normal gays.

 

[TX-Beau]

HEY! there's nothing wrong with a little healthy perversion.

Frankly I think uptight, sex negative, lemon faced arbiters of "morality," are pretty damn perverse - what with all that creepy, drooling voyeurism and all.

 

[operafan]

The fact that Stephen Gately and Andy Cowles had an ongoing affair with a third man was what horrid woman, Jan Moir, used as the basis for her attack on Gately and Cowle's marriage as being less than meaningful because of the "circumstances" surrounding his death.

Obviously, it was just a homophobic attack but still it is what the right-wingers can use to attack gay marriage as nothing as "holy" as the straight version.

Personally, I hope she rots in hell.

 

[tallguy297]

The responses in this thread are exactly the problem with statistics, surveys and the erroneous "facts" the produce.

Why anyone would hold up a survey, especially a localized, demographically challenged one and say "this is fact and true and represents all gay couples" is crazy.

By the logic expressed in parts of this thread we're expected to bow to this stuff as Australians, Chinese, Canadians, Englishmen, Frenchmen, Italians and Greeks and say yes we believe that.

Theres no account for culture, for age, for gender, for support services, for legality, for acceptance. This survey may well have said that 50% of gay men are short it has such little bearing on the real world.

Believe it or not the world is not black and white... especially when it comes to human beings. Statistics might be interesting. But thats all they are, they belong in the world of maths with cold hard facts and figures.

Hold this stuff up as something for our younger guys to "aspire" or "believe" in and you create impressions and uncertainties that ignorance would be replace. And thats hard to say.

 

[NineOfClubs]

Yeah, those Bay Area gays are all pervs.

Not like us normal gays.

I might remind all of you that there's nothing anyone lies about more than sex.

John Edwards, anyone?

I submit that the Bay Area gays, being more "enlightened" and free, and all; are just a bit more honest. The Southern and Midwest gays, stifling themselves, won't admit to a casual questioner that they're in an "open" relationship, because it carries more of a stigma in their part of the country.