Should I feel guilty?

[confusedboy23]

i'll try make this short because i have written way too much in my previous threads.

ok. my boy told me in july that he wanted to "give his ex another chance". so they hit it off again. we tried to remain as friends since although i was constantly depressed not knowing what went wrong between us. i had the lingering feeling that we "might" be together again one day so i stuck around as a friend and frequently would chat with him and be in touch via email. i know i may be have been plain dumb but i couldn't seem to get over him. i have always been there to support him when he came to me with his problems and stuff like that.

anyway i thought it was time for me to move on and leave him behind. i have blocked him on MSN and hidden away our emails etc..... i did that on wednesday when i realised he went offline everytime i went on MSN. i thought he was ignoring me although we did have quite a long chat just a few days ago. so as hard as it was, i made myself block him and hid everything of him. i felt ok for a while.

but i am feeling a bit guilty. for a change, HE sent me an email on friday saying that he was busy at work which made it hard for us to catch each other. he asked how i was doing and bla bla bla.

i have not replied him. i don't know if i should. should i wait and see if he bothers to send me another email? what should i do?

i think i am slowly getting my life out of depression and back on track. although i don't crave for him as much now, i just feel guilty not being friendly to him.

 

[confusedboy23]

i might just add one thing. he knows that i check my emails many times everyday and that i used to reply him within a day the latest!

 

[Dave]

i bet there's hundreds and hundreds of people that have been in the same situation or are in it now. in my experience, i got the feeling that they were using me as a boredom reducer and ego boost. they wanted to speak to me when they were bored or when they were feeling horny. as hard as it is, reducing the time you guys interact will make it so much easier to get over him and find someone else. it's hard, i know it is, but you'll love yourself in a little while when he's off doing his thing, and so can you! if you dont want him to think you're trying to stay away, just reply back with short n sweet emails. say you're busy or that you havent been feeling in an 'email' mood lately or something of the same.
best of luck huh, i know exactly what you're going through!

 

[hotncool]

Move on. Take care of #1.

 

[slobone]

I think Dave has the right idea. You can respond to his email, but do it in a way that doesn't give him much encouragement to continue the correspondence. Polite but short. Respond to what he has to say but don't introduce any new topics. You need to distance yourself from this guy if you're going to get on with your life.

Good luck!

 

[mac_twck]

Sorry, when you break up you break away. Delete him and move on. Painful but in the end you will feel better about yourself. Now take care of you. You never know what is around the corner.

 

[KentuckyPython]

I think you delte his e-mails and forget him. I'd even put him on my spam list.

 

[Riverrick]

I'm really proud of you, confusedboy. I know how much you care for him and how difficult this must have been for you to stop communicating with him.

I think its the right move. You're feeling a little better now, some re-establishment of your "self" after all of this time. I'd say wait a little longer and get yourself together a little more. And then communicate with him if you wish, but only briefly. Its probably going to be 6 months to a year before you can manage anything longer.

I know you feel guilty but getting your head clear isn't going to work with any other method. Just keep writing in here and telling us how you feel. It will help.

Hang in there, buddy. One day at a time.

 

[confusedboy23]

Thanks guys! It always feels good to be here in this forum. I don't hate HIM as such but I agree there is no way I can move on unless I distance myself from him a little bit more. I am taking each day is it comes and I am still feeling OK (so far). I will keep you guys posted!

 

[jockboy01]

I agree with Dave. A short, polite email that says you've been busy too is perfect. It doesn't get you back into communicating regularly but it doesn't make you look like a total ass either. It's a tough spot you're in but I never cut ties totally with people I like. But distance is important.

 

[luminum]

Yeah, I actually said that I was busy, too when my ex tried to talkt o me. I didn't speak to him or interact with him again for 9 months. After I had sufficiently healed, by surprise, I saw him again and we interacted and communicated and it's been good. Though, I'm not sure for you, but I think it's made possible by the fact that I don't feel for him in that way anymore. If you still do in the slightest, then I suggest you just give him the busy line and give yourself a lot more time and space.

You can read about my situation here, if it helps to give you an idea or sounds at all familiar to your situation: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111851

 

[confusedboy23]

Thanks again, guys! And Luminum, I have actually read and posted something in your thread because it does kinda sound familiar to me. I don't know how long it will take for me to really overcome my hurt and be in a position like you, but I am sure I can make it with all the great support I have found here on JUB!!! You guys are just awesome!

As a matter of fact, I think I am very lucky to have found JUB sooner because I don't think I could have handled today on my own. I have just visited his Gaydar homepage today and he has (FINALLY!!) changed his status from "Single" to "Gay Couple".

If I have not decided to start distancing myself from him since a couple of days ago, I think I would have been crushed today. I don't know what crazy things I would have done today.

When I saw that, I was angry for a while. I was really pissed at him for loving me in the past (or so I thought).

But I did settle down, and I realise that deep down inside of me, I don't actually "hate" him. Over the past few days, my lingering feelings of wanting him back have started subsiding and thanks to you guys here, I know I have to move on and I have started my journey already!

I have sent him a very short and polite reply just wishing him all the best.

I won't be sending him anything else and I know I will just have to stay away from him for as long as I need to and let time heal ME!!!

Wish me luck.......

 

[Dave]

Best of luck dude, it's really tough and sometimes you'll feel like giving in to temptation in order to see how he's going or even what he's doing but stay strong. there's plenty of people out their dying to share the same amount of soul you guys shared with each other. stop denying the opportunity for other people to enjoy you

 

[Riverrick]

That sure hurts, huh? I'm glad you were prepared for it. If you start having more trouble with it today, write back and tell us about it. Don't be alone with this stuff.

Oh, and Good Luck!

 

[slobone]

Yeah, congratulations confused boy, it sounds like you're really getting it together.

It's a natural fact that our heads & hearts aren't always in the same place. When you really care for somebody, you build up a lot of feelings for them that don't just go away when you stop seeing them. So that's the time to be really careful and not confuse your lingering feelings for the past relationship with the way things are now.

But it takes time to heal. So be good to yourself. You're doing great, keep it up.

 

[confusedboy23]

Tuesday is nearly over (here in Australia) and as Wednesday approaches, I have reached my first milestone! Haha! It is a week since I have made that conscious decision to not initiate communication with him. And as Riverrick has suggested me write in here how I feel, that is what I will do right now.

The past week has been very different, if I may put it that way. It has been a week of mixed emotions. There was anger when I saw that "Gay Couple" status on his webpage but that went away pretty quickly. Then there was disappointment, then there was confusion and everything else.

Images of "him" still appear very frequently in my mind. Everytime I drive by a car similar to his, I can "see" him. Everytime I drive by a real estate office, I think of him. When these images occur in my mind, I don't actually feel that I hate him or anything but I kinda feel good knowing that he is doing well. I try to be happy for him.

Is it normal for a person to be happy for his ex? Hmm......I don't know. What do you think?

Dave is right. There is always the temptation to check out what he's been up to and how he is doing. Thankfully, I have been able to resist that and up until now, I have not logged on to see him on MSN or sent him any emails.

I don't know if I can keep this up with such a positive spirit over the coming days and weeks, but, please wish me luck! THANKS AGAIN!!!

 

[Riverrick]

Good Luck, Confusedboy.

I think its normal to miss him and feel love for him as well as anger. If it weren't so, I would think you are deluding yourself. Those feelings of love don't die down over night. I don't think they ever really go away completely, which is a good thing. Why would we want to forget loving someone?

Once again, I just have to say I am really amazed by what you are doing. I know how hard it must be for you. I hope you are feeling some moments of peace amidst the confusion. Thanks for the update. Write back about how you are doing no matter what turn it takes. There's no road map for this sort of thing.

Good luck getting through Wednesday. One day at a time.

 

[confusedboy23]

Just thought I might post my feelings here before I went to bed.

Anyway, I don't know what happened to me today. It is Wednesday and yes, it has been a week today but it seems that today was such a dreadful day to get by.

I am down with sinusitis and my nose has been bugging me all day. I wasn't able to concentrate on my books hence I decided not to attend classes. But I did have to go out and it it was in the car that I felt really weird. It is not only images of him that is appearing in my head but I started to remember the places we have been to, and the things we have done and the conversations we have had.

I guess it was because I am a bit unwell and I was hoping for someone to comfort me. Obviously there isn't anyone. It just reminded me of the time when he had this really bad eye infection and when I used to say how cute he was with that bump on his eyelid!

Funny though, I had all these things in my mind and I could not seem to think of anything else (I did try) but I wasn't angry at all. A couple of weeks ago, I would have cried everytime I saw these images but today, I felt more at ease and I even felt happy for him.

I would be lying if I said I did not feel a sense of loss. So, I don't know - it has just been a weird day I guess. But, I am glad to say - I have not contacted him at all up until today!

 

[confusedboy23]

I know it's only monday and there's still 26 hours or so before I reach my second milestone on wednesday - but I think I really need to get this off my chest tonight.

Those who are familiar with Australia might have heard of the Gold Coast or Surfers Paradise. Yup, that's where the world famous beaches of Australia are! That's also where HE lives and I'm 50 minutes away in the state capital. The point here is I had to make the journey to the Gold Coast on saturday for a meeting and I was driving alone. The last time I was there was a few weeks ago when I had a bunch of friends in the car with me so I wasn't thinking much.

But for some reason, I've been asking myself - "why has he not emailed me or anything? it has been more than a week since he looked for me". I know it might be a good thing that he isn't emailing me often so that would help me distance myself from him. But there are other questions popping up in my head too, I'm asking myself (again) - "does he really value our friendship?" and "if he wanted a friendship, then, why isn't he doing more on his part to be in touch and shit".

Anyway, it was all probably because I was caught in a traffic jam on the Gold Coast near the hotel where we both made love for the first time earlier this year. It just all came back to me then! All the memories, I meant.

I came home and kept myself busy during the weekend. But my mind isn't letting me go without a fight - it's been bugging all afternoon today Monday. I could not help it but I went on to Gaydar to check on his page, and looked at his photos. I did not cry but I had lots of mixed emotions. I am angry for a bit but I know that I should be happy for him because as far as I know, he is happy with him. And maybe it is true that I could not offer him such happiness because of my own "issues". So, why am I still so confused? Arghh!!!

I even logged on to MSN. But I have blocked him 2 weeks ago so he would not know I logged on. I was tempted to unblock him and say HI. I decided not to. I logged off. I think I've done the right thing.

I used to go to the Gold Coast quite often before we met and very very often while we were together. But now, it's hard for me to be there without thinking of him and without me being all emotional. I guess the Gold Coast will never be the same again for me, ever again!

That's all for tonight.

 

[Riverrick]

I think you've done the right thing too. Don't set yourself back right now. You're developing an independent You, separate from him. Its still fragile, though. But getting stronger.

Some day you'll go to the gold Coast with friends and talk about all of this, let it go there and be able to see that area in a happier way.

So its Tuesday AM for you. One more day and you'll have gotten through 2 weeks.

We're all pulling for you Confusedboy. Hang in there. You're doing spectacular!