Should I feel guilty?

[luminum]

My best friend told me that "You don't have to like your ex-es, you know." And that's true. You don't have to feel happy for him. If you don't feel happy for him, then don't force yourself to. It doesn't make you any less mature or any less of a person. The 'friendship' line is just a means of cushioning the blow of the break up. Don't expect it to be serious or taken up by your ex any time soon or for it to be a 'valued' friendship or have any of those traits any time soon.

He needs space and he's off in a wonderland with his boyfriend and you need space to get over him and it's going to take a lot longer than this.

Personally, as okay as I may be with my ex right now, he hasn't really taken me up on our new mended friendship. He may be really busy, but he said that originally he also felt uneasy since he hadn't spoken to me in a long time (and I also imagine, because he felt guilty and the last time I spoke with him before we stopped communicating was when he asked if I hated him and I said yes). It makes me sad now that he's not really contacting me at all because i was looking forward to a friendship with him, but I also understand that he could be busy and even if that's not the case, it's optimistic to believe that we can be really good friends ever.

So just take it all in stride. You're stillf resh into the recover, so allow yourself some slack and let out some floodgates if you feel them coming on. I tried doing the mature thing for a week and after that, I knew I felt awful about it and I let myself go through the typical anger and jealousy and hatred until it cooled off and I could actually listen to my rational self and accept what had happened and move on. So don't rush yourself and don't expect much from him yet if not ever, because if you do, you're going to be stunted. Function without him, without expecting anything of him. Once you're past him, anything that does happen from his end will be more than you expected and far more than you needed to keep yourself happy.

 

[confusedboy23]

Yay! Wednesday's nearly over. It's been raining cats and dogs all day. I think it still is drizzling out there and it's cold! It doesn't make much sense come to think of it - I felt pretty good today although it's been a gloomy day but I felt like shit a few days ago when everything out there was perfect!

Anyway, I don't know why am I so upset about losing this 'friendship' or maybe it's just me over-analysing again. The fact is he has broken up with me for 2 months now and maybe I should have started distancing myself from him from day one. He has been in wonderland for 2 months now! And I have been in hell for 2 months!

Whilst I know I have started moving on 2 weeks ago, I think I am upset because we still chatted a lot together after the break up. He would still come to me with his problems and we still joked around and occassionally I get surprise emails saying how great a friend I was to him! That was all within the first month of us breaking up. Then, I encouraged him to change jobs which he eventually did earlier this month. Since then, he has always been busy. Maybe that is true but I guess I'm upset at the fact that he has not taken the initiative to be in contact with me when he has always said how important friends were to him! I mean, come on, how long will it take to type an email and click the send button?!

OK OK, maybe during the first month, I still had feelings for him and I was hoping for that miracle to happen (that is for him to break up again). I moved away from that and started to try see him more as a 'friend' than anything more. I don't know why it still bothers me the fact that he's not contacting me for the past 2 weeks.

Maybe I'm just overly obsessed or whatever. Don't know!!!!

I'm feeling OK though, like I don't have that much of a craving of wanting him but yeah, it's just that sometime's I kinda think 'why the hell aren't we friends out of a sudden'.

I did take a quick look into his webpage again, and I spent a few moments staring at the pictures. Maybe I should not have done that but I could not help it. I haven't cried or anything but seriously, I don't what I'm feeling. Like, I don't think I'm angry nor do I think I need him or want him!

I was tempted to send him an email (again) but I decided to spend time typing this post instead. I WILL NOT be writing him that email! No way, I won't!!!

Thanks for listening again. I'm off to get some icecream from the freezer!!!

 

[slobone]

I think at this point you need a new interest in your life so you can stop obsessing about him. Have you gone out all? Not necessarily cruising, but just to have some fun.

Do you like going to clubs? How about other kinds of activities that will get you out of the house. Meet some new people, make some new friends, maybe even get laid a couple of times. That's the best way to get over a dead relationship.

 

[jockboy01]

I haven't been reading this much b/c I totally feel your pain and it used to make it all come back. But I agree with slobone... time to move on. Meet some new people, have a good time, find a hobby (I'm not a big fan of hooking up, so I'll refrain from that one). Something to keep you from thinking about him. JUB works, email, phone calls to otheres (not him nor about him). The longer you're away, the easier it will get imo.

 

[Riverrick]

HURRAY! 2 WEEKS!​

WAY TO GO! WE'RE PROUD OF YOU!!!​

 

[confusedboy23]

Yeah, I have been keeping myself busy. There's loads of work to be done for uni. I go out with friends too. But there are just times when I can't help but be reminded of him.

Riverrick did mention that it's normal to remember loving someone. Maybe that's what happening to me right now. And I agree, I don't think these memories will ever go away and I don't think I would want to totally disappear. I just need to find a way to deal with my emotions whenever I am reminded of them.

As for getting laid, it's been a long long time indeed (maybe too long, LOL ). Like jockboy, I have become lesser of a fan of hooking up randomly.

 

[Riverrick]

Its Wednesday! That means.....................

WOWEEEE!!!!! ITS BEEN 3 WEEKS!!!!​

CONGRATULATIONS CONFUSEDBOY!!!​

You just keep getting better and better. ​

You've been such a brave guy and have worked so hard. You amaze me! I'm really proud of you and love what you are doing in the forums. This place is definitely a little bit brighter 'cause you are here. ​

And before anyone else cuts into line, give me a hug you big lug!!!​

​

 

[jockboy01]

We're trying to help him move on right? Just curious. Is the countdown helping with that? haha. Couldn't resist

 

[confusedboy23]

Thanks guys! It has indeed been 3 weeks of mixed emotions. I think I am finally feeling stronger, for a longer period of time. It has been a long time since I've felt so good for any more than a day, but it has been a few days now. Not sure if this 'feel-good' will last but anyway, thank you so much to you all!!!

 

[confusedboy23]

OK. This is freaky!!! As I was going to bed last night, I thought about sending him an email, just a friendly one to say HI. I was even tempted to crawl out of bed to send him one at that very moment but I held it off. I was tempted to do it this morning, but I didn't too.

Now, it's been nearly a month since we have communicated and guess what, I checked my email and there he was, right there in my inbox!

I know that many of you might be thinking "OMG. Here it goes again. He's going nuts over him again". I don't think so, I think I am much stronger now thanks to you all. I think that I have started to genuinely feel that I have started to see him as a friend more than anything else.

This was the opening sentence of his email

"I thought i would write to see how your going, I havn't heard from you lately which I find strange but maby that just me."

Any pointers on how I should reply him???

 

[Riverrick]

I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned.

I can tell you are happy to have gotten an Email and I realize that you were missing him, thus the temptation to Email him earlier. And that makes sense. You care about him and it hasn't been very long yet since you changed your approach with him. So I do understand, Confusedboy.

I'm just worried cause I think you are still vulnerable.

Be careful. If you write to him, let him know that you haven't been writing on purpose. Don't make any commitment to communicate with him further. Be careful. Personally, I don't think you are ready to launch into a friendship yet.

It takes a lot longer to get to that place. Believe me. It took me a year with someone. I'll tell you that story sometime.

 

[slobone]

I agree -- don't reply. He has nothing to offer you except more torture and misery. If he hasn't figured out by now that you'd rather not communicate with him, then he's awfully insensitive. Alternatively, it could be that he actually enjoys having some kind of power over your emotions, even though he dumped you. Either way, I see no reason to answer the email.

 

[confusedboy23]

Wow, I would find out first what it is that he e-mailed you about or what it is that he wants. That's the only way you can maybe make a decision on what to do. Save yourself the heartache if you're not sure.
What was the content and context of the e-mail?

His email wasn't in any great length. This was his opening sentence though;

"I thought i would write to see how your going, I havn't heard from you lately which I find strange but maby that just me."

He spoke about his work and nothing much else. No mention of his relationship or anything else. But he did conclude with "Hope to hear from you soon"!

If you read te opening sentence, He is finding it strange that I have not communicated with him in such a long time. LOL. Isn't that funny?

 

[confusedboy23]

I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned.

I can tell you are happy to have gotten an Email and I realize that you were missing him, thus the temptation to Email him earlier. And that makes sense. You care about him and it hasn't been very long yet since you changed your approach with him. So I do understand, Confusedboy.

I'm just worried cause I think you are still vulnerable.

Be careful. If you write to him, let him know that you haven't been writing on purpose. Don't make any commitment to communicate with him further. Be careful. Personally, I don't think you are ready to launch into a friendship yet.

It takes a lot longer to get to that place. Believe me. It took me a year with someone. I'll tell you that story sometime.

Thanks riverick.

I like your idea of telling him that I've been not writing on purpose.....

I might just have to think up of a nice line

 

[confusedboy23]

Yeah.. dont reply!

My first bf, we were together 6+ months dumped me and ran off with another fella. It hurt like hell cos we got on so well.

I was blaming myself etc, really depressed, i couldnt let go - exactly what you're going through.

I finally (about 4 months later) got to a stage where it didnt hurt to think of him, and i didnt crave him back. Thats when he rang me... to apologise. The guy he'd left me for, had done to him what he'd done to me!! He'd realised what a shit he'd been and wondered if we could be friends.

Now, Tom is sexy, good looking, fun to be with, and funny.. everything i look for in a guy. I wanted to say yes.. but i also didnt want to fall in love with him again.

So i simply accepted his apology, said i was sorry to hear that the guy had left him - then told Tom that it was time he forgot about me and moved on - as i had moved on from him.

I then hung up, and changed my phone number the next day.

Harsh, perhaps - sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

I still miss him at times, it wasnt easy doing that to him, but it was for the best. If i'd said yes and become friends again, i;d have ended up jealous over any guy he had sex with, any bf he had in future.. it would have destroyed me.

Now, a friend of ours ran into him last week at the Queens Court Yard Party in leeds (big gay party), and Tom asked about me. I've told my friend, that if he sees Tom again, to give tom my number. Its been sufficient time that im completely over him, and i feel that we can perhaps give being just friends a reasonable go.

Its been 3 years.

For that reason, i suggest you dont reply to his emails.. just block him, change your email addy and dont let him know the new one... you need to move on, completely.

Hmmm.....I've also wished (in the past) that we ended on "uglier" terms so that we end up hating each other. But, maybe it's me not wanting to be the "bad person" that I can't seem to make it happen now.

Yes, I am scared of being "destroyed" as you have put it, but at the same time, I also fear of losing a friend. I have always been friendly to people who are friendly to me and I guess it's just hard to be an ass to someone who is nice. I know he has hurt me in the past but I can't seem to get over the fact that perhaps that was for the good of both of us so I have never actually blamed him.

Yet at the same time, I am also afraid that he might think that I am still going after him (which I am not). Damn, this is confusing!

 

[confusedboy23]

I agree -- don't reply. He has nothing to offer you except more torture and misery. If he hasn't figured out by now that you'd rather not communicate with him, then he's awfully insensitive. Alternatively, it could be that he actually enjoys having some kind of power over your emotions, even though he dumped you. Either way, I see no reason to answer the email.

You might be right slobone. This is one of my concern too although it seems to be only a small concern. I have been afraid that he might be playing games with my emotions..... I don't think that he is, I would hate to think that he is, but I do admit, this has crossed my mind (not very often, but it has).

 

[confusedboy23]

OK, he wants back in your life after he left you for an ex?
I don't know. The only person that can decide is you.
Was he a good boyfriend and friend?
Is this the only time he hurt you or has he hurt you before?
I think people deserve a second chance sometimes. Is he worth it?
A part of me wants to say forget him but we we're all human and we make mistakes.
Do you want him back?

Hang on, I don't know if he wants me back in his life. He is still with his ex and I think it is going good. As for myself, I don't know if I really want him back at the moment. I am happy for him now because I have started to see that there are things that his ex can provide which I may not be able to, at least for now. By that, I mean "security" and the "openness" of the relationship considering the fact that I am still in the closet.

Anyway, that was the first time anything disastrous happened between us. I have believed that we have been honest with each other until the very end.

It was me who cut off the communication for the past one month mainly because I needed space to clear my head and not crave for him. After we broke up, we still communicated very much like friends and I was always there for him. I guess that's why he was "surprised" that I did not communicate with him for so long.

I think I still want him as a friend, and nothing more but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I am still going after him kinda thing. Like slobone said, he might be playing mind-games. Although I doubt it, I fear that he could be. So, yeah, that's my dilemma!

 

[Riverrick]

Well, Elvin, your sentiments are really nice here but Confusedboy hasn't been able to feel emotionally well and strong until the past few weeks, when he cut off communication with this guy. Yes, it would always be nice if people could remain friends but sometimes that is harder on one person than the other.

Sometimes one person, like Confusedboy, is holding intense feelings of love and desire in check while trying to play the new role of "friend". I think we do that in order not to lose the other guy but in the end it can eat away at us and destroy us.

I think his obligation is to himself first here, to be strong and healthy and well. And he has to do what is necessary to achieve and maintain that. The only thing that works for me in these situations is to cut off or minimize exposure to the other guy. It takes many months for my brain to rearrange itself before I could ever consider trying a friendship with someone that I was this involved with.

That's why we are cautioning him to be careful. We don't want this sweet guy to get hurt more.

 

[jockboy01]

I agree with Riverrick. I totally understand the urge to email back and "be friends" but getting over somebody is hard (as I've recently been learning) and I think jumping into the friends stage too soon is only going to make it harder on you. I'd say just don't respond (and for those in the other post... yes, this is a bit passive agressive... but whatever).

 

[confusedboy23]

Thank you guys!!!!!!!!!!! You're all awesome!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will carefully consider my options and will keep you all posted!!!!!!!!!!

More hugs for all of you

A few kisses to top it all off