Should I fuck my TA?

[amigo32]

Just thought I'd get some opinions...

My relationship with my gf just broke up after ~7 months (We'll call her Jane). We were on opposite ends of the state over the summer, and, even worse, opposite ends of the country for 3 weeks. So, after over a month of telephone calls, things broke appart, the standard long distance snares.

So, we could get back together in the fall...but needless to say, after ending a 7 month relationship, even if it's only temporary, I was pretty upset.

So I've been in contact with a grad student from my university that was my lab TA last semester (he's 24, I'm 19), but I kept in contact since he was in my major and lives nearby, and I would always run into him on campus/parties and things and he was always cool to be around.

So he had heard that we broke up and I was talking to him on IM after the break up, well he was pretty supportive and made me feel a little better. Then he shocked me, he asked to hook up for a night later this summer (I had no idea he was gay/bi/whatever). I said I'd like to (no sex since may makes one overwhelmingly horny, I guess), but I'd have to think about it and he started sending me pics.

But from the way things with Jane sound like we're just taking a break for the summer and will probably get back together in the fall.

So I have two issues:

1. I feel like I want to get back together with Jane, and I can't help feeling that by hooking up I'm cheating on her even though we're not together.

2. I'm not really into casual sex, but at the same time, I've never done anything with a guy, but I'd like to try...but a one night stand is completely out of character for me. Yet, I'm so tempted by the opportunity.

3. I feel like I'm using him a ginea pig, but he seems to like the idea of a one night hook up (it was his idea) so I don't see why I feel guilty about it.

As far as safety goes, I think I'm fine, I know the guy...He's probably slept around, so protection definately would be used, and he wants to bottom.

So I want to say yes, but at the same time I'm really uncomfortable.

Why do emotions have to be so complicated?

I guess sometimes I just don't understand myself.

 

[romeod]

Hmm, tough call. My quick suggestion would maybe be to check with Jane and ask her what the deal is between the two of you: Is this just a break for the summer or is this more permanent?

I would say otherwise, it might be a good idea to go for this, unless you feel strongly that you would REGRET having done so. Sometimes it can be a good idea to do things that are totally out of character, but only if you feel like you will look back on what you did and generally be happy about it as opposed to look back and be mad at yourself that you did so.

 

[blueboi05]

Well emotions do normally complicate things, it's their nature.
I'm guessing you're bicurious. A 7 month break will usually kill most relationships. Do you still keep in touch with "Jane"? How do you know she hasn't started dating others?

IF you still REALLY love Jane, then i'd tell this to your "TA" and hope he understands. It's important that you to resolve what's going on between you and Jane before making any decisions.
If one night hook ups aren't your thing then don't. Tell your TA this.

 

[amigo32]

Thanks for the posts so far, keep them coming.

Just to clarify, blueboi05...we were dating for 7 months, apart for 1 month.

 

[Lube]

As long as you & Mr. TA use protection and are up front about what this really is, I say go for it.

 

[Eagle653]

You're curious and I think that curiosity needs to be satisified one way or another. As first experiences go, this one could be pretty good for you. At least it's not a stranger or a stranger/psycho. It's best to get this issue clarified in your mind before you tread too much further with the opposite sex. You don't want to still be "wondering" when you're 30.

While I respect your feeling of not liking casual sex, causal sex usually does happen in the late teens/20's timeframe. That's when we really get to know ourselves. But, be true to yourself first and don't do anything you'll put yourself on a guilt-trip over. On the other hand, I think some good experimentation to satisfy a curiosity is nothing to be guilty about anyway.

Good luck. Let us know what happens!

 

[Homoerectus]

You are young and constantly horny. Hook up. Decide now what your sexual orientation is. It may save you a lifetime of regret later.

 

[blueboi05]

Thanks for the posts so far, keep them coming.

Just to clarify, blueboi05...we were dating for 7 months, apart for 1 month.

My bad. You should still resolve thing.

 

[Centexfarmer]

I say go for it with the TA.

Considering where things are at with you and Jane; geography, only dated for 7 months, a month apart, and the opportunity that awaits you. Go for it!

The only real question that I would be seriously asking if I were you is this:

What if I really like the sex with the TA? What if it turns out that gay sex is hotter than I could have ever imagined?

Then what?

Just playing the devil's advocate here.

 

[NewHampshireBoy]

If you're not comfortable, don't do it. Simple as that. Maybe talk to the TA, that might ease your worries, but if you're not comfortable, don't do it. You won't enjoy it, he won't enjoy it, and if you do get back with 'Jane', this could come back to bite you in the ass.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[luminum]

Go with your gut. If the whole thing makes you feel uncomfortable and you feel that for some reason, you shouldn't, then don't.

But if it's just because you're nervous, then go for it. What have you got to lose? You could have a great sexual experience and it would harm nothing since you'r enot with anyone (and for more than a day, unlike some people) and both of you just want to have a one-night.

 

[amigo32]

"The whole tone of your thread screams out that you are definitely interested in men"

Ha, well, obviously I'm not denying that I'm interested in men. I've considered myself a monogamous bisexual for a couple years. The interest has always been there, I recognize it, I accept it, but haven't acted on it since I've been emotionally and sexually satisfied. I'm not reluctant to hook up with him because he's a guy, but because he'll be the first I've ever slept with that I can't legitimately say "I love you." It probably sounds stupid and corny, but when you get down to it, thats my main issue.

So, I'm thinking I might meet him for a cup of coffee, talk some things out and see where it leads. Maybe talk will be all that will happen, maybe it'll go further...I just don't want to do anything that will come back to bite me later.

 

[amigo32]

Ahhh, I told him I wanted to meet him in the next couple weeks since he's on vacation this week. Especially since things with Jane seemed to be falling apart.

Then within hour after talking to him, Jane called me. We talked for 3 hours, and it doesn't seem that it's falling apart anymore.

I'm so fucking confused.....

I guess I could meet him if we're not offically together again, but would that be wrong of me?

maybe I'm just putting too much guilt on myself?

 

[AggMan124]

i have to disagree with the majority opion on this one....you said "So I want to say yes, but at the same time I'm really uncomfortable." if anything i say go with your gut feeling on this and think this through with your head and heart not with your dick. why go through with this if this is
1. causing you to feel uncomfortable with yourself
2. this is out of character for you
3. if you're THAT curious and interested about being with a guy and "hooking up" isnt your style then tell Jane you still need time and actually DATE a guy and see how that works out
4. why are you willing to lower your standards of "i love you" for this guy?

 

[Kulindahr]

Such a tangle we are.

My first question is: does Jane know you're bi?
Then: If so, how does she feel about it? How would she feel about you experimenting with a guy? Some gals have no problem with their guy having sex with men, because men aren't really "competition" in the mating game in their minds (not necessarily true, but....); others don't even want you beating off, because you're THEIRS!

Knowing myself, if I'd had my head on straight at your age and had that situation, I'd have grabbed the opportunity with the TA, then hated myself, then finally spilled it to Jane, and probably ruined everything. Knowing what I know now, I'd go this way:
tell the TA you'd love to hang with him, even get some physical affection, but that you have a relationship you're a little uncertain about just now and don't want to confuse yourself by going too far with someone else... that you'll keep him posted, but for the moment, no serious stuff.
talk to Jane and figure things out! if she's good with you trying stuff with guys, go for it; if she's okay with some but not everything, set the limits and then see where your TA is with that.

Basically, honor yourself and them and your ownership of your selves -- honesty, no betrayals, no violation of limits... especially your own! In first coming out, I violated my own limits several times when I let my gonads overrule my heart; those wounds haven't helped me at all, so I'm passing this on: don't violate your heart! Acting when you're uncertain almost always violates your heart; acting in secret does, too.

Good luck, dude!

 

[Alive and Free]

Sounds like it could be pretty hot, just think of it as an expirement !

 

[amigo32]

thanks for the input.

I've already pm-ed AggMann about my plan...which is pretty much the same as what Kahlindahar said.

Since I've already said I was interested in meeting him, I'm going to talk to him again and specify that I'd like to hang out, but no sex involved. That way I'm not doing anything I'm going to regret.

in reply to the above:

"Some gals have no problem with their guy having sex with men"

I don't think that would fly with her, nor would I want it to. When I'm with her I don't want to be with anyone else, but since I haven't physically been with her in 3 months...things are pretty strained.

"does Jane know you're bi?"

No, she doesn't. I'm not out....there are a couple people that know, but that's it. And I know I'm not being totally honest, but I haven't told her. So far I've been bisexual in thought, heterosexual in action...but I guess I should tell her. If only I wasn't so terrified of how she might react. But that's a whole new issue...

 

[bigmike20]

its not cheating if its with a dude

 

[Kulindahr]

its not cheating if its with a dude

So "dudes" aren't persons, to females? we're second=class types, sort of like sex toys?

That may be your personal belief, but to say it in general is a serious insult to guys! If a hot guy I knew had a gf came to me and wanted to get it on, my balls would love to, my mouth would agree, but I'd have to ask him if she knew -- and if she didn 't, that's cheating, plain and simple, because I AM a person, and he'd be getting his physical pleasure from someone else without asking first!

It's that sort of attitude that let soldiers on wars rape the local women -- after all, it wasn't cheating if it was a <fill in the blank>.

ANY time you have a relationship with someone else on a very intimate level, ANY sexual activity apart from her/his/their permission is cheating -- period. It's also lying, deceit, dishonesty, etc.

 

[OutofEden]

LOL.

This is the kind of thing you have to decide for yourself, not ask silly people like us about!

But since you did, here's how I make my decisions in such situations:

1) Will I be able to do it without feeling guilty afterwards?
2) If I don't do it will I regret not trying it later?
3) After I do it will I/my life still be ok or is this going to change everything?

If I'm ok with the answers then I'm usually able to do whatever it is without my conscience getting the way, whether it's sky diving or hooking up in a NYC bar.

Most importantly, be happy. "Jane" is a crappy girlfriend if she doesn't want you to be happy. TA probably doesn't care about your happiness much but if he isn't a jerk he's giving you a nice opportunity.