Should I stay or should I go?

[jubbot]

I’ve been in a monogamous, committed relationship with my boyfriend for twelve years. Our sex life has never been great – we have very little chemistry – and now we almost never have sex (never being as little as once per year). This has been a constant gripe of mine, but my boyfriend seems fine with it. In fact, during the year we had no sex, he never once mentioned it. He’s not a very sexual person. I’ve been trying to be the kind of guy who puts the friendship first, getting by on terabytes of porn and masturbation, but recently I had an incredible (unplanned) encounter with another guy. I'd forgotten what it was like to experience that kind of intense sexual connection. The encounter reawakened all the desires that I'd kept buried for so long and now I'm reevaluating my relationship.

My boyfriend and I love each other and he is completely devoted to me, but I can still imagine finding happiness with someone else. I no longer find him sexually attractive, mostly due to a combination of not having sex for so long and his attitude towards it. Aside from my boyfriend my experience has been limited to one agonizing crush, one two-year relationship, and sex with a handful of people. I should have got my fill of dating and random sex before settling down, but I went about everything backwards and now I have all this desire, curiosity, and uncertainty gnawing at me.

I’m thinking I should get out, but I’m still uncertain. I fear that not having the constant companionship may turn out to be even more painful that not having any sex, but I also feel so trapped that I might explode.

I hope you guys can give me some good advice or help me gain perspective by sharing your own experiences.

 

[Willie Boy]

Some committed relationship you have there. Your boyfriend is apparently going through something and needs your support and probably medical help and your first thought is to prepare to start cheating on him just because you aren't getting any sex.... I'd hate to have been standing in your path if you were not committed to your relationship, you would have been in such a rush to get past you'd try to run over me and I'd have to punch your lights out. But hey, maybe that would knock some sense into you.

You need to talk to your boyfriend and find out why he isn't into the sex. And if there is nothing that can be done to improve the sex, and you just can't live in a "committed" relationship without sex, the two of you need to end it. He deserves better than someone who wants to cheat on him or dump him just for mere sex. Sounds like you would better find what your looking for with a bunch of no strings hook-ups.

 

[backpacker]

You obviously aren't happy in your relationship and something has to change. You need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Tell him how unhappy you are, that you are considering ending the relationship and that you cheated. Let him know that your first choice is to work things out. Since communication seems to be a big issue, I would suggest some couples counseling. Is there anything in his past that could explain his lack of interest in sex? My guess is that there is issues that he hasn't resolved. Give it your best shot. If things don't improve, it's time to move on. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know that you gave it your best shot.

 

[Just_Believe18]

It's time to go.

You need to sit down with your boyfriend of 12 years and tell him how unhappy you are sexually, and how you cheated on him. If he's willing to forgive you, change, make this thing work, etc., then perhaps there's a shot at a second chance.

However, I believe this is over. The fact you mention no remorse at what you did in cheating on your boyfriend displays a resolution that you've already moved on from the situation. The decent thing to do now would be to summon up the courage to tell him.

 

[Rooster]

I know some couples who make an open relationship work really well when one partner's sexual needs are much greater than the other partner's sexual needs. With well established rules and boundaries of course, but if the trust is already gone, why bother?

 

[Lucas07]

Just think about it really well.
Is it really worth breaking up over? I know sex is good and it's healthy. but if you really love this person for who he is, and he makes you happy (aside from the sex bit) can you really just throw that away? The 'right' people just don't come along that easily you know.

Speak to him about it and maybe you can open up to other guys if he can't provide you sexually. its your need, and clearly not his. maybe he'd be fine with it and hey maybe even watch you do it or something.

 

[mbamike]

Talk to the boyfriend to learn what is going on in his head. There is something wrong when a guy doesn't want to have sex. Let him know that you need more sex. I would not tell him about your outside activities. That will just overshadow the root cause with the boyfriend. If he is satisfied living a sexless life, then it is time to move on. Otherwise, try to work things out.

 

[hylas]

i dont think there is something wrong woth your boyfriend not wanting to have sex. maybe hes asexual. but there is definitly something wrong with him neglecting your needs like that.

maybe you can open up the realtionship? if sex really doesnt matter to your bf, it shouldnt matter to him if youre having that totally unimportant thing with other guys.

on the other hand, i wouldnt want to stay with a guy who doesnt seem to have much respect for my needs. but i wouldnt have stayed with him for this long in the first place.

 

[HornyHenry]

He might be cheating on you or using his hand or a smut-shop cunt behind your back. One of my ex's was doing other men while I was at work.

 

[racer2438]

Sex is a small part of a big puzzle in the LTR. It seems that you guys dont communicate w/each other well if at all. Communication is a huge part along w/trust and love.

Instead of running for the hills you should be by him supporting him through what must be some kind of health/mental issue.

I have severe Psoriosis I mean all over and people give me wierd looks all the time and it makes me feel bad.

But my honey of 26yrs now does not see one bit of it, he sees me as a whole person he met and fell in loved with back 26yrs ago. He always cheers me up when I feel down about the looks people give me. He puts the creams and lotions on me were I cant reach.

He loves me for me the person inside, thats what love is. You should reevaluate your inter self and not be so shallow. With 12yrs you could done something b4 if you wanted. It sounds as if this is not a new issue and you have known about this and know you want to jump ship.

 

[TX-Beau]

Open relationships DO NOT solve relationship problems. Period.

Especially problems like yours.

I'm going to disagree, ignoring your sexual needs isn't just fine, you do not need to be "supporting him in his issues," you've been supporting for twelve years, what has he supported you about.

Not having sex with your partner for a year? That's a problem, even if he doesn't want to get off, he can get you off in any number of ways, why isn't he willing to do this for you?

You need to be getting out of your relationship what you put into it, and so far as what you've posted, your relationship is pretty one sided.

You can talk to him about it, but I don't see how that's going to change your issue.

Maybe you'd be better off as friends, since that's essentially what you are anyway.

If someone doesn't think that sex is important, so be it, but you do, and so do I, so do a whole lot of guys, I wouldn't stay with a guy who won't have sex with me.

 

[jubbot]

Thanks for all the feedback. Just to clarify some things:

My BF has been under a lot of stress for almost our entire time together. He is easily stressed and does not handle stress well - not a good combination. Sources of his stress include career, living conditions (noisy neighbors), and medical issues (sinus and stress headaches, RSI). This definitely impacts his sex drive and he has said as much. I have always been behind his career choices, and am supportive of him while he's currently unemployed. I have intervened with our noisy neighbors, something he refuses to do. I have suggested that we move, but he declined. I offered to cover him on my insurance policy, but he refused to allow it. I suggested numerous small improvements to our living situation which I hoped would reduce his stress, but he was not interested in any of them. I have tried to encourage him to pursue different kinds of education or career paths since RSI prevents him from continuing his previous work, but he is hostile to all suggestions. He's always been strangely adverse to making simple changes that could improve his life. So please do not think that I have not been supportive of his needs. There's only so much I can do.

It is because I do not want to leave him for "mere sex" that I have remained with him for so long on the strength of our friendship. To give you an idea how little sex we've had, it's safe to say that I had more in the first month with my previous boyfriend than in twelve years with my current one. It's a struggle just to get him to cuddle. If any of you are in similarly long, sexless relationships, but are still somehow completely happy and fulfilled, please share your stories!

I do talk to my boyfriend about my feelings. I don't know how much clearer I could be about them. He is not comfortable with the topic of sex though. In fact, he does not readily communicate any feelings other than anger and stress. After twelve years of this I hope you can understand why it's now difficult for me to view him sexually. I have tried to talk about the possibility of an open relationship, but he was very much against the idea. I suggested counseling, but he was opposed to that as well. Perhaps it was foolish of me not to end the relationship sooner, but I thought I could endure and now I'm not sure if I can.

We need to have a serious heart-to-heart soon and see what comes. I would hope to remain best friends with him whatever happens, but I do want a boyfriend and not just a friend.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, you need to just let this guy be a friend.

It's disturbing that he won't address his own issues, just complain about them, while that may sound harsh, people who do that are perpetuating the problem, either for the drama, or for the attention.

Unless you're terminal, there are always things you can do to make things better, if he won't even try, that's a red flag.

Is that him? I don't know, but that last post sends up a lot of those red flags.

he can't expect you to put in a huge amount of effort while putting in none himself.

It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship, it sounds like you're there to be his nurse.

 

[TX-Beau]

By the way, you've stuck this:

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvQZrni3KuA&feature=related[/ame]

in my head.

 

[fantod217]

My BF has been under a lot of stress for almost our entire time together. He is easily stressed and does not handle stress well.

How do you think he is going to react to you breaking up with him?

 

[hylas]

im sure there is something that works in this relationship, otherwise it wouldnt have lasted this long, right? but judging from those two posts alone, its really not appearant what that might be. i say again, im sure i dont have a complete picture, but to me your bf is coming across as one of those drama queens who just love making life difficult for themselves so they have something to whine about. and you come across as a bit of a doormat for putting up with it.

tx: i think opening the realtionship might be a solution for two guys who love each-other and want to stay together, but have very different sex-drives. or for a guy who wants to stay with his long-term partner, but regretts that he didnt explore more before they met. in case i wasnt clear, i dont think it solves (or even addresses) the communication problems that jubbot and his bf clearly have.

 

[mbamike]

Thanks for all the feedback. Just to clarify some things:

My BF has been under a lot of stress for almost our entire time together. He is easily stressed and does not handle stress well - not a good combination. Sources of his stress include career, living conditions (noisy neighbors), and medical issues (sinus and stress headaches, RSI). This definitely impacts his sex drive and he has said as much. I have always been behind his career choices, and am supportive of him while he's currently unemployed. I have intervened with our noisy neighbors, something he refuses to do. I have suggested that we move, but he declined. I offered to cover him on my insurance policy, but he refused to allow it. I suggested numerous small improvements to our living situation which I hoped would reduce his stress, but he was not interested in any of them. I have tried to encourage him to pursue different kinds of education or career paths since RSI prevents him from continuing his previous work, but he is hostile to all suggestions. He's always been strangely adverse to making simple changes that could improve his life. So please do not think that I have not been supportive of his needs. There's only so much I can do.

It is because I do not want to leave him for "mere sex" that I have remained with him for so long on the strength of our friendship. To give you an idea how little sex we've had, it's safe to say that I had more in the first month with my previous boyfriend than in twelve years with my current one. It's a struggle just to get him to cuddle. If any of you are in similarly long, sexless relationships, but are still somehow completely happy and fulfilled, please share your stories!

I do talk to my boyfriend about my feelings. I don't know how much clearer I could be about them. He is not comfortable with the topic of sex though. In fact, he does not readily communicate any feelings other than anger and stress. After twelve years of this I hope you can understand why it's now difficult for me to view him sexually. I have tried to talk about the possibility of an open relationship, but he was very much against the idea. I suggested counseling, but he was opposed to that as well. Perhaps it was foolish of me not to end the relationship sooner, but I thought I could endure and now I'm not sure if I can.

We need to have a serious heart-to-heart soon and see what comes. I would hope to remain best friends with him whatever happens, but I do want a boyfriend and not just a friend.

You have worked your ass off trying to make this relationship work, but your boyfriend has not reciprocated with the effort. Kick his ass to the curb, move on with your life and don't look back. You are not dumping him for "just sex," you are dumping him because your relationship is a one-way street and you deserve better!

 

[backpacker]

We need to have a serious heart-to-heart soon and see what comes. I would hope to remain best friends with him whatever happens, but I do want a boyfriend and not just a friend.

I think this sums up the problem pretty well. You already know what you need to do and you're just looking for validation with this post.

It honestly sounds like you have tried everything and he isn't open to make any improvements, either in your relationship or his life. As others have said, he's getting something out of being being inflexible. It sounds like he needs some serious counseling. I also think you have been an enabler to him. There must be some part of you that likes the feeling you get from enabling him. To me it sounds like he is already you best friend, not your boyfriend.

 

[wooffy]

I’m thinking I should get out, but I’m still uncertain. I fear that not having the constant companionship may turn out to be even more painful that not having any sex, but I also feel so trapped that I might explode.

There is a heck of a lot going on here, and I don't blame you for being confused. On the one hand, staying in a relationship out of fear (e.g. of not having companionship) is a pretty weak foundation. On the other hand not being sexually fulfilled will make you miserable and damage other areas of the relationship.

I can't offer an easy solution, but I do suggest you tell him everything and decide on what the key issues are. If its just the sex, and you can both agree to being open, then that may work out for you. If it is not just the sex, though, then non-monogamy may just make things worse.

You also need to ask yourself a serious question: can you just be fuck-buddies with a guy, or not. If not you either need a "no repeats" rule, or you need to discuss polyamory. That's a whole other kettle of fish, and it may be much harder for you both to deal with. Speaking for myself, if I like a guy enough to have sex with him more than once, then feelings will develop.

In just over a month my life-partner and I will celebrate our 19th anniversary. We have been non-monogamous since the first year, and polyamorous since shortly after. We haven't had sex with each other in years. I'm no longer the twink I was when we met, and our sexual practices have diverged greatly. We simply decided that sex alone was not a reason to break up, when we had a great life together and share intimacy in so many other ways. It works for us, and could work for you if and I repeat IF, sex is the key issue and you can both be happy with an open arrangement.

Figure our what you need. Ask your partner to do the same. The issues did not develop overnight, and they won't be resolved overnight. Explore all options - including parting ways - before you make a decision. You have been together 12 years, surely its worth a few weeks or months of talking things through before you change directions.

One final thought: It is OK not to be "everything" to each other!

 

[KaraBulut]

Sex is the superficial issue here.

The real issue is one person who is controlling the relationship and everything about it. And the other person who doesn't want to be alone, so he enables the dysfunction of the controlling person.

It's time for relationship counseling. If he doesn't want to go, then you go by yourself and deal with your own issues.

You have a decision to make- if you want a fulfulling, well-rounded relationship then you're going to have to take a risk, be on your own and go through the process of finding someone else. Your alternative is to accept the friends-without-benefits arrangement that you have while simultaneously seeking out other means of finding sexual gratification - at your own hand or the hand of a willing third-party.