Sleeping with my crush... He has a girlfriend.

[JC2008]

Well I can't talk here, me and a mate who has a bf ended up sleeping toghter and I ended up with a crush on him. I plan to say to him the next time he wants sex to date me if he wants it.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well I can't talk here, me and a mate who has a bf ended up sleeping together and I ended up with a crush on him. I plan to say to him the next time he wants sex to date me if he wants it.

I love it when people say they just "ended up" sleeping together. It's like saying, "well I just ended up robbing that bank." You made a choice in there somewhere.

So you had sex with a guy who's in a relationship and now you want him, so you intend to present an ultimatum demanding the guy leave his steady or you won't cheat with him anymore. Kind of the definition of home wrecking slut there guy.

Be careful, ultimatums have a tendency to backfire.

 

[CGHJ]

You.

Are.

Wasting.

Your.

Time.

Cut him loose and look elsewhere. And stop trying to rationalize. It makes you seem sad and lost somehow.

The old CGHJ would have disagreed here and been pissed at Raeboty for being a snotty killjoy.

However, I've since discovered that Rareboy is usually right, even when we don't want him to be.

Went through a similar thing recently...long story short, I was wasting my time. Just like Rareboy said. He turned out to be a useless loser...just like Rareboy said.

I hate the fact that Rareboy is so damn perceptive...he's always raining on your parade...but the sad fact is that he's right. Listen to him, even though it hurts.

Rareboy, you saved me a lot of trouble with married guy. Long story I don't even care to type up...but you were dead on. I'm listening to you from now on. RomanticRylan, you should too. It'll save you the trouble of having to own up to Rareboy that he had the situation dead to rights the whole time.

 

[hotatlboi]

I agree that you should stop being the guy on the side. But rather than just totally dropping him you might want to talk to him first and give him a chance to be with you if that's what he wants. If not, then move on.

You say you don't want to make him choose, but that's what you're going to have to do if you expect the situation to change.

 

[rareboy]

he's always raining on your parade...

^^ Really. I'm not that horrible. I really don't like to piss on someone's foot. Seriously. No. Really seriously.

What I hope to do with Dutch Uncle advice is hopefully save the misty eyed romantics and even some battle hardened veterans from a world of hurt.

Why? Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt. Seen it it. Read the book. Watched the movie. Lived it live.

And I actually have great affection for all the honest, hurting guys out there looking for true love, passion and/or just hot, hot sex with a casual stranger.

I love you all, but in a purely abstract way of course. Although I'm sure I'd love all of you in person too if you came over for a barbecue.

 

[CGHJ]

^^ LOL I meant that in a sweet way actually...please keep being the Dutch Uncle (new phrase for me, I like it), you've done some people a lot of good, including myself. It's hard to hear the truth sometimes but it saves a lot of trouble in the long run.

 

[Lube]

...please keep being the Dutch Uncle (new phrase for me, I like it)

Yeah, had to look that up on Wikipedia.

 

[KaraBulut]

What I hope to do with Dutch Uncle advice is hopefully save the misty eyed romantics and even some battle hardened veterans from a world of hurt.

Why? Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt. Seen it it. Read the book. Watched the movie. Lived it live.

Indeed.

If I haven't lived it, I've seen it. And I don't want others to make those mistakes.

But alas, there are different ways to learn and some people only learn the hard way, it seems.

 

[RomanticRylan]

Wow, thanks to everyone who posted a reply!!! It is a really hard situation, and it makes it hard in social situations when I have to go out with both of them. I think I'm planning on a talk with him sometime very soon, but it is true that I'm horribly terrified of the outcome, because we have been best friends for so long and I don't these feelings to go to waste. Ultimately, it is up to him, he has to come out to himself before he can commit himself to a guy, and the girlfriend just makes it 20 times harder. I want him to think of how I'm feeling and how I can't do this for much longer.

 

[Lube]

Glad you're still here reading the replies!

He needs to make a choice: you or her. Accept nothing else.

Even if he's bi, he can't have both. Not at the same time (unless it's OK with all 3 of you). Even then, don't let her be the public face and you his "guy on the side".

You have to be strong and give him the ultimatum: me or her. Pick one.

 

[RomanticRylan]

True, but giving ultimatums are very, very hard for me. I am terrified of the outcome. The funny thing is that I never thought I would even ever have feelings for him, because we're very different.

 

[RomanticRylan]

And the feeling I get when I'm with him are unlike any other I've had with someone.

 

[Lube]

Sure, it's hard. And I'd be terrified of the outcome, too.

But that doesn't change the fact that it's toxic for all 3 of you if things continue as they are.

What if she finds out? What if your other friends find out he's cheating on her with you? Then they'll really have a reason to hate both of you.

Doing nothing is easy, but is guaranteed to result in disaster.

 

[rareboy]

^ The truth. Pure and simple.

 

[TX-Beau]

True, but giving ultimatums are very, very hard for me. I am terrified of the outcome...

That's the thing with ultimatums. You have to stand by them, and they usually don't give you the result you wanted.

Why? Because if you're at a place where you need to lay one down, you're already at a place where the relationship is probably over, or needs to be.

 

[TX-Beau]

And the feeling I get when I'm with him are unlike any other I've had with someone.

Sure, and the feelings you get from heroin are like none others, but that doesn't mean it's healthy.

You must be young, because the more you date the clearer it becomes that the next guy you fall for will make you all quivery and hot too. The biggest lesson I've learned from the parade of losers I've dated is that potential for a hot fuck, or a few weeks infatuation, does not potential for a relationship make. It's fine to take the hot fuck, or the infatuation, and walk away when it's done with some fun memories.

The biggest mistakes I made were in confusing one situation for the other. I know it's hard when you're young and your hormones are raging, but trust me on this. Spend your time turning yourself into the guy you want to date and you'll be surprised what pops up along the way. The better you feel about yourself, the better a catch you look like from the outside. You need to know what you want out of a real relationship anyway, then measure the guys against that standard if you want to be happy (for example if you need a lot of attention paid to yourself - choosing a hyper social club kid will only make you jealous.)

Eventually initial infatuation fades, hopefully into something deeper and longer lasting. But you'll never get there if the guys you choose to pursue are users or losers. (and yes we all make that choice, it's not inevitable or uncontrollable no matter what we feel)

 

[CGHJ]

Tell him you have these feelings for him, and that you wish you could be with him...but that it's impossible while he's still with his girlfriend because of all the reasons we've already gone over above.

If he can have you and her at the same time he'll take the easy road...which as Lube pointed out only seems like the easy road (he did it by illuminating the opposite corollary, that breaking it off with his girlfriend is HARD) because in the end it's guaranteed to be a terrible mess.

You have feelings for him, if he truly has feelings for you and not for her, then his choice is clear. But if he chooses a girl he supposedly doesn't want to be with over you, then he's made his choice clear, and although it will hurt you in the short term really won't be missing out on anything.

Sure you're afraid of the outcome, because you don't want this good thing you have going to go to waste. But in reality you're wasting all the good chances you have of being with someone that's out and not attached to go to waste.

TX-Beau also gives great advice, he speaks the truth...all the crushes I've had that I thought were the end-all-be-all turned out to be one step on the way to the next one. This feeling that you have right now for him? It's awesome...but TRUST US you will find that again, with someone that is out and can be with you. Get some confidence in yourself that you can attract more than just this one guy, and you'll find that there's an awesome world out there of guys without hangups.

If he loves you the same way you love him...if you're meant to be together and your destiny is to save him from this loveless relationship...then forcing him to make that choice will help him to take the next step that he needs to take. If it's really a loveless relationship and he spends all his time with her texting you, she's probably wondering how to break it off without hurting HIS feelings. Don't YOU be the one that bears the burden of their poor relationship choices just because you're the one that wants something. You can get that something somewhere else, and if he has to bear some of his own burden maybe he'll slough that burden off and come running for you. But if not, you'll do JUST FINE on your own.

I agree ultimatums are hard. Don't think of it as an ultimatum. Think of it as 'sticking by your principles and making right choices'.

I'm not saying give up on this guy...sound like you have something going, I'm sure he likes you, and it surely seems like he'd be better off breaking off with his girl and being with you. He's scared if what he has to do just as surely as you are, and if you can both man up to what you need to do then you can both be happy. But what you've got now is a false happiness that will surely lead to disaster, and then no one will be happy.

I speak from experience: I recently went through something similar myself. Best friend I've always fancied...turned out we had something, seemed like he was in a loveless relationship I thought I could save him from...got some hard advice from Rareboy I didn't like hearing, but turned out I needed to hear. Thanks to Rare's slap across the face I woke up from that dream and realized I was about to seriously fuck shit up and I waked away from a potential (and by potential I mean 'almost guaranteed') disaster. I missed out on some hot fun in the short term, but that pain has already subsided and was much, much less than the pain that would have come my way had I not done it.

Now Rareboy's advice to you earlier was that you were "wasting your time." I've just said that you might be able to save him. I'm always the optimist...but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that Rareboy is usually right. The great likelihood is that if your boy is this far back in the closet, he'll be terrified to come out and he'll stick with the easy path. You are in fact probably wasting your time if you try to save this guy. Give it a shot, one last college try, by letting him know what side his bread is buttered on. But after that, BAIL!!!! Don't waste your time by holding on and pining for this guy. If he sees you moving on that'll either get him off his ass to do something...or give you a head start on finding someone who you can have something real with. And if you find out he's a wuss and can't be saved...then you dodged a bullet because he'll eventually put you through the same as what he's doing to her.

 

[KaraBulut]

Let me correct this for you.

[STRIKE]I think[/STRIKE] I'm planning on a talk with him sometime very soon, but it is true that I'm horribly terrified of the outcome, because we have been best friends for so long and I don't these feelings to go to waste. Ultimately, it is up to [STRIKE]him[/STRIKE]me, he has to come out to himself before he can commit himself to a guy, and the girlfriend just makes it 20 times harder. [STRIKE]I want him to think of how I'm feeling and how [/STRIKE]I can't do this for much longer, so I need to take control of my own destiny and put an end to this until he makes some decisions about his own sexuality.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never turn your destiny over to the whims of another person. It does not matter whether they are a friend, a fuckbuddy or the love of your life. If you continue in your current frame of mind, you will have nothing but regrets and bitterness.

Move on. If he cares, he'll follow. If he doesn't care, you'll be better off.

 

[TX-Beau]

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never turn your destiny over to the whims of another person. It does not matter whether they are a friend, a fuckbuddy or the love of your life. If you continue in your current frame of mind, you will have nothing but regrets and bitterness.

Move on. If he cares, he'll follow. If he doesn't care, you'll be better off.

So true.

One of my biggest red flags in a guy is an inability to quash the drama. Which I find is inversely proportional to the amount of responsibility a guy is willing to take over his own life. The more responsibility you take for your own damn self, the less drama you generate along the way. You can say:

This is situation is fucked up, but I’m not distancing myself from it, or mitigating it. So I’m responsible for that. I need to stop doing what I'm doing and find another solution.

Or you can sit there and marinate in the angst of wondering why oh why the universe has it in for you, or be paralyzed by the sheer impossibility of controlling your feelings. Well, we can’t control some of our feelings sometimes, but we definitely control all our actions all the time. The more clearly you understand what your part is, what you owe to yourself, the easier it is to map a way out.

There are some guys who positively wallow in needless angst and pointless drama, they get into these situations and play wounded dove, all woe is me, and never ever ever acknowledge their own part in creating and perpetuating the situation.

Don’t be that guy.

You got knocked on your ass, we all sympathize, now pick yourself up and make the hard choice. I’m with Rareboy.

1. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

2. This situation is bad for you.

3. If you want to help him, you can’t be in the sinking boat with him. You need to be in a place where you can offer a helping hand, and that’s not going to be dating him, fucking him, or angsting over him. Walk away now, stabilize yourself, then be his friend again somewhere down the line, when he can't pull you under also.

4. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Your life is yours, and you’re the only one who can make it better. Many, many guys have chased relationships based on the chimera of selfless love and all that. But really, good relationships are never one sided, and if you’re not getting out what you put in it’s going to end sooner or later anyway.

 

[Telstra]

have sex with him if you wants to and find your own partner until you don't need him anymore.