Sleeping with my crush... He has a girlfriend.

[RomanticRylan]

You know, I was just beating myself up about this because we hung out tonight and things were really awkward. He wasn't into doing anything with me at all, which is very unlike him. Eventually we did end up having sex, but I felt like shit after. I tried to explain to him that I feel horrible all the time but I could tell he was stand-offish. He knows what is going on in my mind, but doesn't want to face it. Someone was just telling me today about how I'm all he talks about and that he's obsessed with me, but that's not enough. It's going to take time, but it's taking all of my energy and I am a strong person... I can handle this. I'm not saying I'm going to make this stop tomorrow, but I'm going to start putting MYSELF first. It will be hard, but it's for the best. And maybe I will find love when I'm not looking. I am young, but I know love is the thing, and I will find it.

 

[TX-Beau]

You know, I was just beating myself up about this because we hung out tonight and things were really awkward. He wasn't into doing anything with me at all, which is very unlike him. Eventually we did end up having sex, but I felt like shit after. I tried to explain to him that I feel horrible all the time but I could tell he was stand-offish. He knows what is going on in my mind, but doesn't want to face it. Someone was just telling me today about how I'm all he talks about and that he's obsessed with me, but that's not enough. It's going to take time, but it's taking all of my energy and I am a strong person... I can handle this. I'm not saying I'm going to make this stop tomorrow, but I'm going to start putting MYSELF first. It will be hard, but it's for the best. And maybe I will find love when I'm not looking. I am young, but I know love is the thing, and I will find it.

Hey, nothing happens overnight, just make some progress then focus on that, then make some more and repeat. If it’s any consolation to you, a whole lot of us have been exactly where you are. Myself, I knew he wanted to be with me, knew it to the bottom of my soul; and I was right.

What I failed to understand is that him wanting to be with me wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was a hopeless closet case who wasn’t going to give up his hetero privilege no matter how much he wanted me. What I needed him to give, was precisely why he had a beard in the first place. He didn’t want to be a fag, and that’s exactly what I was requiring that he admit to being, i.e. some guy’s boyfriend.

It pissed me off to no end, so I created a quite spectacular drama over it on the way out, I outed him to the little woman. - which I don’t recommend by the way. But even that didn’t budge him. She didn’t want to believe he was gay, and he wasn’t about to let me anywhere near him afterward. Which was fine with me, because by that point I’d stayed with it so long I both wanted him and resented the fuck out of him, and hated her even worse.

You don’t want to travel that far down this road. At some point it will poison both of you to the point where nothing is salvageable.

We’ve all been in the closet, some of us deep in, and admitting to ourselves that we’re gay is always the hardest part. You can have the sex, even a steady thing, and rationalize that into oblivion, but if you’re actually dating a guy, as in dinners and movies and parties with friends, you can’t rationalize that, it means you’re gay, and it’s why you’ll lose to the closet every time. He has to admit to himself that he’s a gay before you have any kind of chance. Otherwise you'll only ever get just what you're getting.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

Make sure you're using protection, this sounds like an STD waiting to happen. For all you know the gf could be steppin' outta the relationship too.

Good luck.

 

[rareboy]

I can handle this. I'm not saying I'm going to make this stop tomorrow, but I'm going to start putting MYSELF first. It will be hard, but it's for the best. And maybe I will find love when I'm not looking. I am young, but I know love is the thing, and I will find it.

Cut this out and put it above your computer.

 

[CGHJ]

^^^ AGREED! It was great to see you post that. You know what, I think I need to print that out and put it above MY computer as well.

 

[RomanticRylan]

So, we hung out again tonight.. Things are just plain weird. I'm really getting stressed out and this isn't good for me. You're all going to say that I know it's not good for me, so why do it anymore? I guess it's all about the way I am, which could change, but now I'm really shaken up.

So we hung out tonight, didn't end up doing anything sexual, but things are just so different. I told him I don't think he likes me anymore, he said you know I do, and we were laying down together after I had to almost force him to. I finally told him after he left that I had strong feelings for him and that it's breaking me up.. He replied "I'm sorry." So, this is when I started getting hot and red, so asked him if that's all he has to say and that I don't know what to do anymore. I guess it's a step for me. He said I don't know what to do either, I wish I knew what to say. I don't know if he is torn up too, or if he feels bad that I have these feelings that he might not have. I then told him that I didn't want anything to drastically change, he said he didn't either and I told him that he's making me a better person (which he is, I'm usually somewhat of a bitch). He said that he's glad too and that I relive his stress. What is that supposed to mean? Is that all I do? Is it sexually? I know I need to RUN away from this situation but it's just so hard. I'm glad we got to talk about things but something's gotta give.
I know you're all going to say I need to stop, but I can't believe how hard it is.
Help?

 

[KaraBulut]

The direction that you're going in will ensure that there won't be a salvageable relationship between you and your friend. It's going to end badly.

But that bad ending will solve the problem. For everyone.

 

[G-Lexington]

He likes hanging out with you. And you "relieve his stress". To wit, you get him off. You're a friend with benefits, in other words. And honestly, he's given no indication - explicit or implicit - that this will change. He's a friend. He'll have sex with you. But that has to stay under wraps, and he won't ever "have feelings" for you. Not the way you have feelings for him.

For some gay guys, this would be fine. Either it'd be sufficient, or it'd be something fun to have while they look for somebody deeper. This apparently not fine with you. You want a boyfriend, and he ain't gonna be one.

If you do break it off with him - and I hope you can come to the conclusion that it's probably best in the long run to do so - make sure you do it for the right reason. Because you want to get into a real, full, complete relationship. Not because you're hoping it'll push him into coming out and admitting having true feelings for you. He no doubt WILL be hurt somewhat when you break off the sex - not because it'll bring his real feelings to light, but because it means his sex is cut off, and no guy likes that.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Oh sorry.

I was out on the terrace having coffee.

And when I came back, this little bell I have on my computer was ringing and there was a red message flag up about someone pounding another nail into the coffin of a doomed relationship.

I guess it's all about the way I am, which could change, but now I'm really shaken up.

No honey, it is about the way you are deciding to be, which you have made clear that you don't intend to change.

after I had to almost force him to.

Keep this up. Guys love it.

So, this is when I started getting hot and red, so asked him if that's all he has to say and that I don't know what to do anymore.

And behaving like an hysteric always makes them love you more.

I then told him that I didn't want anything to drastically change, he said he didn't either

And so it goes.

So what do you want from your loyal readers here? Endless sympathy? Endless advice? Endless attention?

 

[Lube]

As everyone keeps pointing out, he is using you.

You have no choice but to dump him.

I can't see this being any clearer.

Well, I guess your other choice is to hang on to something that will never change.

And whine. Incessantly.

 

[RomanticRylan]

I am whining. I am unexperienced in relationships. I thought I could come here to talk to someone, or outsiders and I got what I wanted. I'm not looking for sympathy, just to relieve some stress by venting about it, and I felt better reading what you all have to say. I wasn't trying to be an inconvenience, I have no one in my life who would understand what I'm going through and thought someone here might.

 

[Lube]

Venting might make you feel better, but it certainly doesn't solve any problems.

 

[CGHJ]

Believe me, we sympathize. We've all been through it, and we're trying to save you the pain. I didn't want to hear it either and was initially put off when I got called on it [in another thread]. I hated Rareboy for a minute because he was harsh about it. What he was really doing was slapping me across the face and saying "snap out of it!". And I did, and I'm a lot happier now. Saved me a lot of trouble.

You'll feel the same way, we just hope this dude doesn't drag you all the way down to the bottom first. Because that's where you're headed, friend.

I then told him that I didn't want anything to drastically change, he said he didn't either

And it won't, until you take control of your life and realize that damit, you're better than this.

I know I need to RUN away from this situation but it's just so hard. I'm glad we got to talk about things but something's gotta give.

Yes you do, because it's only going to get worse. And eventually you'll be a poster like us, warning guys who had the same issues that they need to bail. What sucks is, you may have to go through it a few more times before you really learn, and you may have to get older before you gain the confidence you need to know that you have more than one chance.

You feel like you're getting something that you want, but at the same time you're not. It feels like if you walk away (or run, as the case may be) you'll lose something great forever...but in fact, you're losing something great in your future by wasting your time on this guy.

I know you're all going to say I need to stop, but I can't believe how hard it is. Help?

It is, very very hard. There's no help for that, it's part of the human condition. That's why we have the Country Music Awards. It's what the blues are all about. It's the subject of countless movies, and books. It's why we all here understand what you're going through and want to help you. But there is no help...all I can say is, rip that band-aid off and get it over with quick, because the quicker you move on the better you'll feel about yourself and the sooner you can meet someone worthy of your love.

And if he loves you...maybe it will jar him into doing something about his own situation. If you're willing to put yourself through hell to be around him...is he willing to go through the pain of breaking up with his girl to be with you? Ask yourself if what you're really afraid of is finding out that he doesn't love you that much. If not, that'll suck, but not as much as wasting your time on someone that doesn't love you that much.

Don't keep circling the drain though, flush!