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So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

M

MasonJay

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I love my man dearly and we have been together 3.5 years, but having sex once or twice a month is just so frustrating. Sometimes there is a full month that goes by where nothing happens. We've talked about it many times, and he openly admits that he prefers intimacy over sex, but when we have sex, he enjoys it so much he always says, "we need to do that more often. that was so hot." He doesn't follow through on that though. We have plenty of intimacy, and laughs and fun in the rest of our lives together. He brought up the topic of opening our relationship for my sake last year, but I haven't stepped out for sex with anyone else because I don't want to hurt him, and I think it would. I have talked to, and unintentionally led on, a few guys who are very interested in sex with me (plus all the kinks that my vanilla man is very against). They know about my bf and I try to be very honest in my conversations with them and my bf. I just don't know what the right choice is here.

Thoughts?
 
I want sex with my guy, not sex. If I couldn't have enough sex with my guy, having sex with other people would not solve my problem.

He has definitely given the go-ahead to do it more often - his own words. You should be entitled to believe him. So what happens when you get horny and put the moves on?
 
When I'm in the mood, and start kissing his neck or caressing his body, he just laughs it off and goes back to whatever he was doing. If I insist past that point, I usually get the look and told that he isn't feeling well "down there" (I'm a top) or just isn't in the mood. I tell him that we can do more than just anal, and just shrugs it off. In our relationship, that is one of the only unintentionally hurtful things he does. Maybe I'm just missing something...idk
 
This is a guess only and not meant to be anything more. Perhaps he doesn't regard himself clean enough or empty enough to have sex at will. I'm wondering what would happen if you showered together and you soaped up your hands and washed his hole for him inside and out? I think it's worth a try.
 
I love that idea Seasoned, but he won't allow anything but my tongue and my dick in his ass. He goes ballistic if I try anything with my fingers. We have showered together quite a bit in 3.5 years, but he never lets me near his ass in the shower.
 
I'm confused. Does he not like to have sex more often? What's causing the lack of sex? Clearly you two have talked about it. I just think it might have been overlooked in your post.
 
Hey MJ,

Your guy kind of reminds me of myself... a little. If he feels he isn't clean/empty "down there", it can be a total mood killer, especially if he is particularly afraid of the Code Brown. If he refuses to have sex because of feeling of having full bowels, it's also rather unlikely he would go with fingering. Has he always been this way? May he has some problem with bowel movement or something he is too shy to talk about?

I was wondering what he says about other kinds of sex. Not feeling "well down there" probably wouldn't prevent giving a blowjob, handjobs, etc (unless there is pain). Have you discussed these alternatives maybe? Is he rejective of sex altogether or just anal sex?
 
creatus said:
Hey MJ,

Your guy kind of reminds me of myself... a little. If he feels he isn't clean/empty "down there", it can be a total mood killer, especially if he is particularly afraid of the Code Brown. If he refuses to have sex because of feeling of having full bowels, it's also rather unlikely he would go with fingering. Has he always been this way? May he has some problem with bowel movement or something he is too shy to talk about?

I was wondering what he says about other kinds of sex. Not feeling "well down there" probably wouldn't prevent giving a blowjob, handjobs, etc (unless there is pain). Have you discussed these alternatives maybe? Is he rejective of sex altogether or just anal sex?
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Good evening creatus,
Unfortunately, he does have bowel issues, due to what he eats. He says he wants to change his diet, but then proceeds to eat the same things and gets defensive if I make the suggestion to follow the plan he put forth himself. When it comes to other sexual things, he will regularly turn down getting and giving jacking off together, blowjobs and handjobs if he isn't feeling overall clean or isn't happy with his appearance that day. Most nights, he rejects sex altogether no matter the proposition. He mainly wants to be held most nights. I am more than willing to hold him, and I do. I don't think I have ever turned him down when he wants to be in my arms. It is just that constant sexual rejection does wear on a person. Am I wrong for letting it bother me? Maybe I'm making too much of it. I don't know.
 
LuckysRevenge said:
I'm confused. Does he not like to have sex more often? What's causing the lack of sex? Clearly you two have talked about it. I just think it might have been overlooked in your post.
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Nope. He doesn't like to have very often at all. When we do have sex, he seems to enjoy himself very much. Most times, once a month is more than enough for him. He is naturally a very muscular man (no drugs of any kind), so one would not think that he is lacking in the testosterone area. That said, I'm not really sure what is causing the lack of sexual interest. He has remained friends with many of his exes and they have all told me that he was the same sexually with them, so it is not something new for him. All of his most recent exes ended up cheating on him because they got tired of waiting and being rejected, and I don't want to look as though I am doing the same thing even though he suggested opening the relationship. Officially we have been open for the past year, but practically, I haven't stepped outside the relationship yet.
 
How about refusing to "hold him" when he wants to be held? I think it's unfair for him to keep refusing your request, especially when you are being open and honest about it!
 
This guy sounds very irrational and disrespectful of your relationship. I agree with your mixed feelings that he will likely get jealous if you go through with having sex with other guys. I believe this is grounds enough to break up with him. I'm sure you've had a good relationship, but I can see this kind of controlling, dismissive behavior of his increasing in the future. How will things be 5 years from now? 10 years from now? You have your whole life ahead of you, and the last thing you need to worry about is obsessing over when the next time you're going to have sex is.
 
MasonJay said:
When it comes to other sexual things, he will regularly turn down getting and giving jacking off together, blowjobs and handjobs if he isn't feeling overall clean or isn't happy with his appearance that day. Most nights, he rejects sex altogether no matter the proposition.
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To sum up: he gets satisfied whenever he is in mood, and the rest of time he doesn't care much (at all?) for your sexual frustration.

I have to agree with the others... he does sound unfair and disrespectful. There seems to be a difficult decision ahead unless he is about to change some things (which he evidently isn't). Sorry to say this, I kind of get it how difficult it may be for you, since you have otherwise good and intimate relationship. Still, you deserve all of that PLUS regular sex... or at least some effort to fulfill also your sexual needs.
 
Thanks guys. I guess I have some things to think about. Another turn of events has been added to the mix, so now I'm really torn about how to handle things. He quit his job (not the first time since we've been together), and now I only have enough money to get us through the next month. After that, we will have to leave our house, and he wants to move to another state with me. To do such, I have to put in letters of resignation, sell almost everything in the house, most likely find a home for my beloved cat, and move away from all of my new friends. I'm so torn. I don't want to leave him, but this is so much for me to handle at the moment. If you've read this and/or commented, thanks.
 
He quit his job and then asked you all this? And he has no savings to cover things off? Does he even have a job to go to?
 
MasonJay said:
Thanks guys. I guess I have some things to think about. Another turn of events has been added to the mix, so now I'm really torn about how to handle things. He quit his job (not the first time since we've been together), and now I only have enough money to get us through the next month. After that, we will have to leave our house, and he wants to move to another state with me. To do such, I have to put in letters of resignation, sell almost everything in the house, most likely find a home for my beloved cat, and move away from all of my new friends. I'm so torn. I don't want to leave him, but this is so much for me to handle at the moment. If you've read this and/or commented, thanks.
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He's taking advantage of you in every sense of the word. Best advice is to leave and MAYBE get back together after he sorts himself out. At the moment you're enabling his behavior. What you've written so far shows that he has no respect for you.
 
bankside said:
He quit his job and then asked you all this? And he has no savings to cover things off? Does he even have a job to go to?
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Nope, no job to go to thus far. He is putting in applications now. No savings either.
 
I don't know how people can quit jobs without having something else lined up. In my experience, a bad job is a reason to start putting your resume out for something better, not a reason to quit.

And honestly if my guy wanted us to up and move to another province, never mind the house, the jobs, and most of all, the dog, I'd be keeping the dog.

Why does he want to make such a dramatic change?
 
Your boyfriend sounds exactly like my ex. You may want to consider looking into bi-polar disorder, especially where it concerns relationships, and see if it fits the bill. My ex and I broke up this past may after 5 years because of the same problem pretty much. We had a lot of sex when we first met and he was 18 but by the time he was 21/22 we pretty much were down to once a month, if that. He always said we should have more sex after we had it but then.. like your bf.. turned me down when I wanted to go for it. He also did stupid things like quit jobs for no good reason with no back up plan or want to go off on random adventures. He was sometimes incredibly excited and other times inexplicably distant and depressed. I'm not saying this is what your bf has, but it is worth looking into and possibly sparing yourself a lot of trouble.

Also, the poster who suggested turning down cuddling as revenge or whatever is giving you the worst possible advice. Making it a tit for tat thing with someone you're supposed to love and support can only lead to bad things. Keep an open line of communication, be honest and whether or not it's bi-polar keep in mind that this is someone you want to spend your LIFE with. As many folks said to me when I was going through my own turmoil, do you really want this to go on for the rest of your life? Are you ok with that if he doesn't change? Is cuddling and having a good time together enough? I eventually answered no (for that reason and others) but you need to be honest with yourself and decide what's right for you. Relationships are give and take. If you're always giving and never receiving you're in the wrong relationship.
 
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