So yea, this will probably be verbal buck shot but...

[SomedaySoon]

I am not usually one to join forums or what not, but I have had a few things bothering me lately, and I must say, I am extremely impressed with the community here (*hugs*!), so I figured, what the hey!

Ok, I will try to keep this as focused as possible, but I am known for my legendary rambling skills!

So here we go.

I am pretty much closeted, for lack of a better term, but in reality, everyone knows, it just hasn't really been said out loud (I know that sounds like such a cop out, but that's how it is presently). I have had one very unfulfilling experience with a guy before (we went to a movie, but it was really awkward all through it, and after, we just didn't jive), and I have been hard pressed to find anyone else. I am 20 now, which makes it difficult to go to bars as one might imagine, and my social skills are strange (more on that below). I do have an account on A4A, but my experience there has been nothing but iffy.

I have lost a lot of weight in the last year or so (I was 240, I am currently 190, yea!!), but I fell like I am on the borderline in terms of personal appearance goals, and what I would consider attractive. I have more in the middle than I would like, I jiggle in some places, and for now I am OK with that, because I know where I was, and where I am now, but I just can't help but feel that there is a reason I am not getting any lol.

Ok, as for my social life, I have a very very small group of friends, whom I actually consider friends. We can tell each other pretty much anything. But I do have one friend, who i would probably consider my best friend, but the thing is, he is a total racist. He gets his attitude from the internet mostly, he is a sterotypical 4chan addict, which if you know what that is, you know what kind of people come out of /b/). When it is just us, he is perfectly cool, but as soon as the conversation leans towards the internet, or when we get into a group, he is the loud annoying person people just sigh at. At school, I am a smart cookie, but fairly closed off. I try to get involved as much as possible, but I feel like I hold myself back.

Ok, I am going to stop there, because this really has no point haha. I am just rambling as I a prone to do.

I guess my whole goal here is to get a grip on my life, and get feedback on things I am doing wrong. I have read almost every post on this forum, and mine I am sure is typical, but I wouldn't mind some input.

If you guys ask me a question about something, my answer will be far more direct and personal that what I just put in this post haha.

 

[treanir]

Welcome to JUB. Hope you stick around a bit longer.

Okay, here's some questions for you: are there any LGBT youth groups or social groups where you live? Perhaps an LGBT centre where you can go for information? If you're in college, does your university have an LGBT student society or something similar?

What I'm getting to is this: there are more ways of finding guys than bars or A4A. It's not impossible to find friends there, but both places are geared towards hookups. So if you want anything beyond that, try to expand the search. I don't know where you live, so I can't give you any specific info, but have a browse on the internet to see if there are any social gay groups in your area.

 

[Smitho]

Its difficult to answer as you don't really ask a question, good luck with the weight loss, and I agree, I currently weigh a bit less than you and would like to lose 7 Kgs, (I am not 100% sure, but if the converts working right that is!)

All I can say is try and widen your circle of friends at college a bit, try inviting people for a coffee, sit and talk to people at lunch etc. It is also much easier to get laid when you are out, as people know you are gay, and obviously as word gets around, gay guys will find you, you might not like them all but it will be easier. If everyone kind of knows, why don't you say it out loud?

You write nicely and seem like a nice guy, Good luck.

 

[SomedaySoon]

Its difficult to answer as you don't really ask a question

Hahaha I know...totally sorry, as I said, I am really really good at rambling (it has been called an endearing quality lol). I don't really have a singular problem right now, just a lot of little ones. My post was really just a spring board for discussion and a way to vent =)

As far as why i don't say it out load, I guess I view myself as in a really temporary position right now. I am a sophomore in college right now (a local JC), and I am transferring to UC Berkeley (yes!!!) in the fall of '11. I guess I keep telling myself that I will do things then, new school reinvention if you will.

And as for getting more involved, I am looking into it. I volunteer and stuff, but as far as school stuff, it can be extremely limited for me because I take an average of 16 units a semester, plus I work. So if it's not school or work, it is at home doing homework.

i really do try to expand my horizons, but it is slow going =(

 

[Smitho]

I don't mean to be rude, but maybe you are putting it off / avoiding the situation, 2011 is over a year away, why not get some practice in now? Then you will be over the coming out before going to Berkeley, and you can hit the ground running there? In the being out sense?

I am impressed I have heard of Berkeley, well done, you are obviously a very smart guy, and busy, so maybe not clubs etc, but friends from class etc, have lunch with them, etc, I am not sure about the set up in US schools, but just getting to know people after lectures, expand your circle of friends and soon you will become regular with them, and then the invites etc will come for parties and stuff. Here is where being out is useful, as people will know you are gay, so the cute gay guy at the party will naturally come over and talk.

 

[altlover85]

Is your family preventing you from coming out? Is that part of the whole waiting idea?

I think looking into local LGBT centers might be a good idea. I'd also think about going to places like museums, bookstores, concerts, and maybe volunteering for somewhere like Planned Parenthood, where people are more likely to be liberal. Along those lines, is there a local AIDS center you might be able to volunteer at?

It sounds like you're busy, so it may be hard to find the time, but I think it will be worth it. As far as meeting guys online, it can be done. I found my bf online. We've been together 3 years now.

What is your major and some of your hobbies? We might be able to offer better suggestions if we have that information.

 

[hackingnomberr]

This is like my life story....
Except none of my friends are /b/tards.~
I'm not out and I have had 0 success with A4A or any other dating/sex site.~

 

[altlover85]

Unfortunately, not being out really makes dating difficult.

 

[Smitho]

Unfortunately, not being out really makes dating difficult.

It does, when I meet a guy and he says something that makes me know he is gay, for example, he went to X club last night, naming a gay club, or talks about a male ex etc, and he is nice, I will go for it, and sometimes it happens or not. Someone in the closet who makes a cover by talking about girls, I will just not try as I assume they are straight, and not interested, we may become friends, but I am not going to try anything with them.

I meet guys and get introduced to guys as everyone knows I am gay, so while we don't all sleep together, I am starting with a much bigger pond of guys I am meeting, by being out.

 

[altlover85]

I have to say I really wouldn't entertain dating totally closeted guys. If I'm the only one who knows it's a big burden on me. I'm not directing this at the OP per se, but rather making a general statement.

 

[SomedaySoon]

I don't mean to be rude, but maybe you are putting it off / avoiding the situation, 2011 is over a year away, why not get some practice in now? Then you will be over the coming out before going to Berkeley, and you can hit the ground running there? In the being out sense?

Is your family preventing you from coming out? Is that part of the whole waiting idea?

I totally, totally understand, but I guess my whole issue comes back to the small group of friends again. As I stated, my closest friend isn't exactly a friend per se, so I guess my whole issue is finding the right group of people to really come out to. I understand that actually discussing it with family would be a nice stepping stone, but for whatever reason, I also figured it would be more prudent to be out at school because of, for the lack of a better word, publicity. Yes coming out to the family/close group of friends would change my mindset, and I totally get that. I honestly don't know what is keeping me back. I have been extremely temped to just post a status update on FB or whatever saying I am gay, but that, in my eyes, is a really really terrible move lol.

Unfortunately, not being out really makes dating difficult.

Yea, I figured as much. I really am trying to get more involved, and as for the LGBT, there is nothing at my school for some strange reason.

What is your major and some of your hobbies? We might be able to offer better suggestions if we have that information.

I am a Biology major. As far as hobbies, I tend to like doing strange things. I am a huge fan of laser tag/paint ball. Huge movie fanatic, and of course, being is SoCal means I have passes to Disneyland and Knotts =)

I shall keep expanding my horizons though good sirs.

And I must say, it is really nice talking to all of you guys =)

 

[altlover85]

I don't have a ton of friends either and I learned at some point through experience to drop those that I thought had a negative influence on my life. I found that coming out to my family (my immediate family) made thing a lot easier so I didn't have to tip toe around things and I could talk about my boyfriend or people who I was going to date before I found my boyfriend. It wasn't easy, but it's become less awkward to talk about things as time has gone on.

If I were you, I would try not to hide who I was while doing the activities you enjoy. You don't necessarily have to be out, but if you don't lie, you're better off in the long run. I had a similar approach at work and only came out to those I trusted the most.

I hope you enjoy your time here and keep us posted!

 

[SomedaySoon]

If I were you, I would try not to hide who I was while doing the activities you enjoy. You don't necessarily have to be out, but if you don't lie, you're better off in the long run.

That was my train of thought exactly. I am comfortable with who I am. I have some insecurities, but show me someone who doesn't! I always put myself out there when the opportunity presents itself. I never lead anyone to believe that I was gay/straight or what have you, I have always just been me, but the time has come on to move out of that. I am not a kid anymore (technically!), and it is time for me to mature on an emotional level now, I feel. I am on track with my personal goals with school and weight and what have you, but now its just filling in those nooks and cranies that will round me out.

See, this forum stuff really works! Getting ideas by the bucket load. Feeling better already =)

 

[Smitho]

It comes down to your group of friends, you want to expand it, and change it. But you are much more likely to meet like minded people you get on with if you are honest at the beginning and sexuality is a pretty big thing to be honest about.

I am not sure if the guy you talk about as you best friend goes to school with you, I am guessing not, from the posts, so you could be out at school without him knowing, sorry if I am wrong.

You are going in the right direction I think you just need a little push and a bit more effort. While not making anyone believe you are straight, you have not put them right. There is a big difference to the answers to the question; Do you have a GF? "No", while this is technically true, and "No I like guys". Coming out does not have to be a big thing, just letting people know, quietly and in natural conversation, but getting you point across, I think you will find it liberating, and also see other guys start to come out of the wood work as word gets around.

I don't think there is anyone that I meet and talk to for say 30min, that would not know I am gay as I would just slip in a reference, not a big deal, I just like people to know and they appreciate it.

 

[blahster]

First of all, good job on aiming for Berkeley! I finished up my B.A. there back in '08 (Go Bears!, lol). I can truly relate with alot you've posted so far (I'm also from SoCal--OC). Unlike you, I wasn't quite sure I was gay until my last year up at Cal; but like you, once I realized that I was most likely gay, I was hesitant about telling my folks and friends. I came out to my roommate first, and although he was surprised, he was completely supportive. I started telling my friends back home in SoCal and they were all pretty accepting...even my best friend, who at the time was pretty conservative and Christian. I told my parents a year later and until the time I told them I was scared shitless about how they'd react (my folks are your typical religious/Asian/immigrant parents). It got to a point where I just thought to myself, fuck it, I'm just gonna tell them and they'll either accept me or they won't. They weren't exactly accepting of my being gay, but they still said I was their son. Don't know if they'll ever be completely okay with the gay thing, but I'll take their "tolerance" and quite frankly I could care less if they never fully accept it.

Long story short...it's your life and your life alone. You seem like you're pretty goal oriented...keep it up and don't let anyone put you down. Don't feel rushed to come out...do it on your terms. Don't worry about how others (your friends/family) will react...the liberation/satisfaction that comes from living the life you want to lead is way better than living the life you think others want you to live.

 

[SomedaySoon]

Ok guys, update time, and a real question!

Ok, the past few days I have been toying with the idea of actually joining a gym (embrace my inner gay!). I jog around my block, I bike, roller blade, and on occasion do strength all at home. With that being said, the gym frikkin' terrifies me!

I'm totally not fat, but I do jiggle in some places, thus the whole wanting to go to the gym part. But at the same time, I feel like when I walk in, I am going to be more depressed about my body than normal. Here is everyone all toned with amazing abs....and here comes the frumpy little white kid with a gut.

I have a 7 day pass to my local gym that I printed out today, that I plan to use very very soon.

So my question is this, when going to the gym, what exactly should I be doing. I understand that there are many machines, and they each serve a purpose, but I would seriously go to each one of them, study it, and try it in 3 different ways, all being wrong. I would prefer not to look like a complete jackass lol.

I am planning to go there at like 9 or 10 at night, when hopefully the crowds will be gone, so I can scope it out in my own pace. But at the same time I am kicking myself for not going during peak hours in order to get over this whole gym phobia.

So yea, I am torn about getting in shape....fantastic!

 

[seven2go]

Dude......you GO to the gym BECAUSE you have "jiggly parts".......

If you're thinking about a gym full of perfect people you must be watching porn.......

 

[Nomenclature]

Many people decide to wait until they've graduated college, or moved out-of-state to finish their degree to come out.

Don't worry; you're still on schedule.

 

[SomedaySoon]

Dude......you GO to the gym BECAUSE you have "jiggly parts".......

If you're thinking about a gym full of perfect people you must be watching porn.......

I know! I KNOW! That's why I am so conflicted hahah

On one hand, yes, that's what it's for, but I keep telling myself that only people with perfect muscles go to the gym and that everyone else is shoved into a dark corner of a room 3 stories down.

I guess you're right, I'll just have to go give it a looksie!

 

[seven2go]

^ Think about this: Maybe YOU'LL be the LEAST jiggly dude there....... .......