Straight friend hitting on me?

[dralockhart]

^ I think you're right on the money with the "oblivious" comment about straight guys* (age often doesn't seem to matter)...I see them* act the same way with girls/women. I like to believe they're* not intentionally being punk asses though, they're* just born that way. This is also not to say that gay men* aren't oblivious sometimes too.

*not all...some.

Through the years I've seen the "I've fallen for my straight best friend" situation happen both in real life and here. Myself included (pre-internet days, although I'd say it was more of a hard crush, or 3.) The feelings are very real, however I've never seen a case where the "straight" guy falls for the gay friend in the end (well...maybe in the movies I did..) although I'm sure it has happened. In the OP's case...I honestly doubt his friend is intentionally screwing with him for shits and giggles. Is the friend bi-curious though? Possibly...probably...as with all the attention these days, more people are open and accepting of the idea to questioning their own sexuality. Has the friend thought out consequences of acting on them with a good friend that "loves" him...probably not (refer back to "oblivious" comment above.) Would he dump his girlfriend and then jump into a committed gay relationship....

I've been wondering that myself. I know of a few men who are now married to the guys they fell in love with while married to women. I also know of guys who've been led on by "straight" guys who never leave their girlfriends or wives. It's hard discerning between a closet case and a manipulative flirt sometimes. It seems funny to me that whenever this situation arises on this or any other forum, everyone's like "oh, it's just a typical I have unrequited love for my straight friend" thing. We of all people should be aware that closet cases exist in droves. I got a friend to join this site because he's been fielding advances from a co-worker of his own and he wanted to gather opinions about it. The dude literally will stare at him wherever we go. His voice becomes stereotypical when he becomes drunk and once he even drunkenly started ranting about how he got married too young and there were so many unanswered questions about sex. I think I read once that it's estimated that at least four million gay men in America are married to women. That's a heaping helping. I'm surprised this situation doesn't arise more.

 

[KaraBulut]

Wow, interesting how you're placing all the blame on the OP when his co-worker is *clearly* behaving inappropriately. His co-worker is the one in the relationship. Why are you acting as though the OP is the predator here? Socially, the co-worker is in a more privileged position. Not to mention it's the co-worker's duty to remain faithful to his girlfriend. Am I the only one who thinks that it doesn't take sex for someone to "cheat" on their partner? You're reinforcing a lot of negative stereotypes about gay men by letting "straight" dude off the hook here.

Each person is responsible for their own behavior.

This is just a stone's throw away from blaming a short skirt, tight clothing, alcohol or any of the excuses that men have used over the years to project and excuse their behavior. When it's a coworker, it's harassment.

 

[thegentleman]

Each person is responsible for their own behavior.

This is just a stone's throw away from blaming a short skirt, tight clothing, alcohol or any of the excuses that men have used over the years to project and excuse their behavior. When it's a coworker, it's harassment.

This friend and I worked together at a previous job (when none of this was going on) and that's how we became friends. We now work together at a different job (he took over a small business he was working for and hired me because we were buddies at our previous job) and that's how we became close friends. So basically, we were friends before any of this started happening. I understand how you could perceive this as "harassment" but I don't see it that way and I don't think he does either.

 

[tarallucci]

I would focus on the possible victim in all this: his girlfriend. He seems to be ok flirting with you behind her back so the decision is up to you, I think.

You like him alot but do you also like his behavior towards his girl?
What if she finds out he's cheating?

 

[journo25]

Hypothetical: If you weren't in the picture, is it possible your friend might be hitting on another gay guy at work? A delivery guy or messenger? Maybe he has a bi itch that needs scratching?

Couples straight and gay alike face temptations all the time. If he's an asshole and doesn't mind flirting with guys behind his girlfriend's back, I don't see why you should be the one to scold him and remind him to be monogamous.

I used to feel differently when I was younger. Much more judgemental. Now I expect each of us to take responsibility and ownership for our own actions.

 

[The Fly]

If all this flirting happens behind his girlfriends back, then it not just joking amongst friends. He's using your interest as an ego boost. He knows if it goes to far, or if his girlfriend finds out, he can always say "I was just joking around, the homo took it serious, it's his fault".
Then you'll lose your friend, your reputation, and probably your job.

 

[sixthson]

I'm not saying he isn't straight, but it's just odd.

But we're telling you he is not straight.

At the very least he is a cock tease and it's doubtful that you are the only person he has ever done this with.

You are not powerless in this relationship. In fact, you alone have the power over how you respond to him. Stop playing his games, stop feeling each other up, stop the flirting, watch how he responds to that.
Why do people keep believing that someone who cheats on someone they are supposed to love will magically become faithful to them? It's delusional.

Find someone honest with themselves and others.

Speaking of delusional people, why would anyone believe that the only person guilty of wrong behavior is the guy with the gf? When you help someone cheat, you are a cheater. I think it was tx-beau who used the excellent example of the guy who drove the get-away car for the bank robber. He didn't actually rob the bank, but he found himself in jail because he was guilty of aiding a abetting.

 

[dralockhart]

Speaking of delusional people, why would anyone believe that the only person guilty of wrong behavior is the guy with the gf? When you help someone cheat, you are a cheater. I think it was tx-beau who used the excellent example of the guy who drove the get-away car for the bank robber. He didn't actually rob the bank, but he found himself in jail because he was guilty of aiding a abetting.

Cheating and robbing a bank are not the same thing. If this boyfriend tried to cheat on his girlfriend with everyone else in the world, but every single soul said, "No," does that mean the guy isn't a cheater because everyone else had more respect for his relationship than he did? No. I'd still think the guy was a tool and that his heart had already committed the crime even if his body couldn't enact it. t person outside the relationship doesn't owe anything to it. If anything, if that's the sort of boyfriend this dude is, it's probably better for her to find out now than for him to waste her life.

 

[dralockhart]

If all this flirting happens behind his girlfriends back, then it not just joking amongst friends. He's using your interest as an ego boost. He knows if it goes to far, or if his girlfriend finds out, he can always say "I was just joking around, the homo took it serious, it's his fault".
Then you'll lose your friend, your reputation, and probably your job.

This. So much this. The guy is being a tool to his girlfriend. The guy is being a tool to you. He has all the power here because he's got you both wrapped around his little finger, his girlfriend in the dark and you unwilling to confront him about it and harboring all these feelings that are detrimental to your health. Frankly, I don't think he deserves either one of you from the sounds of it.

 

[sixthson]

Cheating and robbing a bank are not the same thing. If this boyfriend tried to cheat on his girlfriend with everyone else in the world, but every single soul said, "No," does that mean the guy isn't a cheater because everyone else had more respect for his relationship than he did? No. I'd still think the guy was a tool and that his heart had already committed the crime even if his body couldn't enact it. t person outside the relationship doesn't owe anything to it. If anything, if that's the sort of boyfriend this dude is, it's probably better for her to find out now than for him to waste her life.

Do you understand what complicity is?

 

[dralockhart]

Do you understand what complicity is?

I'm aware of apples and oranges.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

This friend and I worked together at a previous job (when none of this was going on) and that's how we became friends. We now work together at a different job (he took over a small business he was working for and hired me because we were buddies at our previous job) and that's how we became close friends. So basically, we were friends before any of this started happening. I understand how you could perceive this as "harassment" but I don't see it that way and I don't think he does either.

It is not about how he sees it. If it makes the TC uncomfortable or he does not enjoy it, then it is harassment. I have had a few men harass me on the job. I did not enjoy it and I told them, however, they did not "see" it that way.

 

[thegentleman]

Hypothetical: If you weren't in the picture, is it possible your friend might be hitting on another gay guy at work? A delivery guy or messenger? Maybe he has a bi itch that needs scratching?

Couples straight and gay alike face temptations all the time. If he's an asshole and doesn't mind flirting with guys behind his girlfriend's back, I don't see why you should be the one to scold him and remind him to be monogamous.

I used to feel differently when I was younger. Much more judgemental. Now I expect each of us to take responsibility and ownership for our own actions.

I've seen him attempt to do this with my other 2 co-workers, but not as explicitly as with me. One of them is an older married man in his late 50s and the other is a straight guy who is 23. I don't know if this is because I respond/feed into it more or if he's just trying to play it off as if he does this with everyone. But what I can say is that I've hung out with him and his other straight buddies many times, and I've never seen them joke around with each other this way. And these are the guys who he refers to as his best friends (even though he's told me that he only calls them that and that I'm his true best frined) that he's known since he was 5.

As far as a random person like a delivery guy or mailman, no I couldn't see him doing that.

It is not about how he sees it. If it makes the TC uncomfortable or he does not enjoy it, then it is harassment. I have had a few men harass me on the job. I did not enjoy it and I told them, however, they did not "see" it that way.

I'm not sure what you mean by "TC" but I think the thing here is that neither of us have expressed that any of this makes us uncomfortable. One time when he and his girlfriend were at my house, we had our feet up on the foot rest and his was close to mine, so I jokingly put my foot on his and said "let's play footsy" and he was like "get outta here!" but was laughing. Obviously his girlfriend was right there so it wasn't as serious as what goes on at work. But nevertheless, if he would have ever expressed to me that he is uncomfortable with anything I've said or done, I would have apologized and made sure it never happened again. But he hasn't and instead we both continue to do this.

 

[dralockhart]

I've seen him attempt to do this with my other 2 co-workers, but not as explicitly as with me. One of them is an older married man in his late 50s and the other is a straight guy who is 23. I don't know if this is because I respond/feed into it more or if he's just trying to play it off as if he does this with everyone. But what I can say is that I've hung out with him and his other straight buddies many times, and I've never seen them joke around with each other this way. And these are the guys who he refers to as his best friends (even though he's told me that he only calls them that and that I'm his true best frined) that he's known since he was 5.

As far as a random person like a delivery guy or mailman, no I couldn't see him doing that.



I'm not sure what you mean by "TC" but I think the thing here is that neither of us have expressed that any of this makes us uncomfortable. One time when he and his girlfriend were at my house, we had our feet up on the foot rest and his was close to mine, so I jokingly put my foot on his and said "let's play footsy" and he was like "get outta here!" but was laughing. Obviously his girlfriend was right there so it wasn't as serious as what goes on at work. But nevertheless, if he would have ever expressed to me that he is uncomfortable with anything I've said or done, I would have apologized and made sure it never happened again. But he hasn't and instead we both continue to do this.

I'm inclined to think that if he's doing it in front of the girlfriend, it's innocent on his part. Or he's just playing it off as innocent because he's in denial about a male attraction. That could be another reason he's flirting with other dudes at work. Perhaps he's trying to convince himself that if he does it with everything it's all a goof and nothing to worry about. In either case, you're getting thrown under the bus. We just don't know whether it's because he's closeted or exploiting you for his ego.

 

[thegentleman]

I'm inclined to think that if he's doing it in front of the girlfriend, it's innocent on his part. Or he's just playing it off as innocent because he's in denial about a male attraction. That could be another reason he's flirting with other dudes at work. Perhaps he's trying to convince himself that if he does it with everything it's all a goof and nothing to worry about. In either case, you're getting thrown under the bus. We just don't know whether it's because he's closeted or exploiting you for his ego.

He didn't do it in front of his girlfriend, I did. And yeah, the entire question here is exactly what you said...is this about his ego or is he bi-curious?

He's a very naturally good-looking guy too. He has no problem getting girls, and almost every female customer that he comes into contact with at work practically drools over him. Hell, he's even gotten compliments from other straight men.

I also heard a rumor that he cheated on his current girlfriend, but I never asked him about it...

 

[medic1]

^He is just loving that feeling he has over you.

Be he straight, bisexual or curious. He is just loving the attention.

If you are prepared to give up your time and emotion on such a man, more fool you.

 

[inputpower1]

He's bi. Fuck him and have fun

 

[sixthson]

Wait until his gf dumps him when she discovers him jacking off to gay porn, then he is all yours.

 

[tarallucci]

Wait until his gf dumps him when she discovers him jacking off to gay porn, then he is all yours.

And that's when he will start to cheat on Llguy11 as well.

Question of the century: can Bi guys be monogamous?

Is Llguy11 looking for something more than just flirting?

 

[TX-Beau]

He didn't do it in front of his girlfriend, I did. And yeah, the entire question here is exactly what you said...is this about his ego or is he bi-curious?

He's a very naturally good-looking guy too. He has no problem getting girls, and almost every female customer that he comes into contact with at work practically drools over him. Hell, he's even gotten compliments from other straight men.

I also heard a rumor that he cheated on his current girlfriend, but I never asked him about it...

The entire question is why you are involved in this in the first place.

You are having a drama, an ansgty, hand wringing -oh is he or isn't he- theatrical performance. What you are not having is anything healthy going on in your personal life.

If this story is true, you are in pursuit of a guy who's basically an asshole and a douchebag. You've been told that already, and the moral shadiness of some of the posters in here notwithstanding, you will also be an asshole and a douchebag if you participate in hurting someone else.

Of course assholes and douchebags don't care about things like that, it's obvious this guy doesn't.

There is no mystery here - you are getting yourself off on the drama - real or imagined, and that's pretty much that, it sounds suspiciously like you don't want advice, you want spectators - and hey, we've all been there before, and you certainly aren't the last, so I'll just say that you reap what you sow in life, trite, but true - enable a cheater, you get to be the next victim.