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Talk with parents - worse than I would have imagined

D

Dephira

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Yesterday evening my mum and dad set me down to talk to me about something. I just recently finished my third year of college, meaning I have one year left ahead of me, and came back home for this summer. While I'm completely out at college and have never had any problems with it, no one in my family or even my hometown in general knows. However, it seems like one way or another, my parents managed to find out some stuff because they told me yesterday that they knew I was involved with guys; even though they didn't seem to know much about details. My immediate reaction is that they must have somehow spied on me and read my e-mails or chatlogs as I used both to talk to a guy I was involved with starting last semester.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter how they found out, but they went on to talk to me about how worried they are about me. The thing is, even though I'm an adult by age, I'm the youngest of three and I think this makes them act extra protective towards me and sometimes treat me like a baby. I was surprised to find out that me being gay didn't seem to be part of their concern; because, as it turns out, they don't seem to realize it. They think that somehow I turned to guys to fulfill some sort of emotional need that I have that I couldn't talk about to anyone (which is untrue, as I'm the happiest at college that I've ever been. Besides, I have known that I'm gay since I had been 14, and I had never had any problems with it. For me, it's just part of who I am.) My mother then went on to say some pretty nasty things about gay men: How she knows that they can be very friendly, and this is how they "lull you in"; they see that you have some sort of problem, and they're friendly to you, and that's how they drag you into their "scene" to convert you. This kind of homophobic talk of conversions, a gay agenda, rampant drug use and AIDS that I had never before heard anyone say personally. And how all of them sit around at home all day unproductively, wastrels and useless to society. I was really astonished to hear these things coming from her.

Part of it is probably that they have never really known gay people in real life because we live in a suburban place. But I realize that I have always been incredibly different in many ways from my family. Whereas the two of them believe these kind of things, I have always been way more liberal, I don't care what people do as long as they don't hurt other people, etc. When I went to college, I could really live the way I wanted for the first time, and I was really happy almost for the first time in my life (as cliche as it sounds). Now that my parents found out about this, they are threatening to not let me back this fall (they are paying for most of my tuition); I think I managed to convince them that this would be a really bad idea, because I have already done 3/4 of it, and the last three years would be essentially wasted; however, I did have to promise them that I would stop hanging around "these kinds of people". Now for the next three months while I'm home I have to make them believe that I'm ready to cut all ties to gay people and that I agree with them on how dangerous that scene is, how easily I can be seduced into dangerous things because I'm young and stupid and how I won't talk to them again. These are the kind of things that over the past three years I read people saying on the internet, things that make me really angry; and now I have to hear them from my own parents. I also still feel bad because I know that I'm pretending and as soon as I arrive back in the fall, I will still be hanging out with all my friends from there. While I feel bad, I also think that my parents beliefs are completely irreconcilable with what I believe, and I know I won't stop hanging out with someone who's my friend just because they happen to be gay. However, I still feel like I'm tricking my parents with this, and I don't know whether it's fair to put my own happiness above their concern, which is real, no matter how unfounded or even hurtful it might be.

I'm also concerned about my long-term prospects, because I feel like yesterday I discovered a side of my parents I didn't know existed (before this we had never really talked about the issue of gay people so I had no idea what their stance really was, even though I suspected they wouldn't be very informed) and now I feel like I really can't be happy at home; I'd have to constantly be living a lie in order to make my parents happy. And while emotionally, I know I'd be ready to live on my own after college, I don't know whether it's fiscally possible. With the current economy, it might be very hard for me to find a job after graduating next year that allows me to live on my own. I've also long had plans to go on and get a Master's Degree in a field that really interests me; but without support from my parents, this won't be possible. At the same time, the thought of lying to them like this for three more years disgusts me. I would rather be free and on my own sooner rather than later.

I don't really know what I'm asking for with this post, I'm not sure that there's much advice to be given. For the past three years, I lived in a really liberal place that really coincided with all my beliefs and have been truly happy. I guess yesterday's conversation was like a slap in the face from reality for me, reminding me that not everyone thinks like the people in my liberal collegetown.
 
It will be up to you to educate your parents then. Let them see that you are not a victim being preyed on by perverts.
I am fine with people waiting until they are independent of their parents before coming out to them, but sometimes we don't have a choice. That's where you are now. You will have to decide if lying to them is worth their financial help.
They have opened the line of communication with you about this, even if their views are wrong. Keep communicating with them over the summer and let them get to know their gay son.
 
Some initial reactions from parents can be extremely negative. But this doesn't mean their perspectives can't change or that they can't learn anything. Don't give up on a happy home life just yet. Try attacking the issue again after college and coming out when ready. Reactions change when parents learn their child is gay and not just confused etc.

For now laying low may be a good idea because they control your education. However this doesn't mean you can't express your ideologies and try to teach them things about homosexuals being everyday people.


As far as feeling guilty. You'll have to make a decision to make a stand and tell them you won't cut off friends, lie or simply don't see your friends. Lieing is going to come with some guilt, but if you feel forced into a situation don't feel bad for simply being yourself in a place where you can be.
 
None of us know your parents so it is hard to judge. Notice that in their minds they are taking your side and trying to protect you. Most parents. I think, take a while adjusting to their son being gay and continue to love him. At first they are very disappointed because they want a conventional life for you with a wife and grand kids for them etc. I think if you have another conversation you should tell them that you have known since you were14 that you are gay, that you did not choose it and no one chooses it. It just happens and no one knows why. It is not their fault. Parents do not cause children to be gay. No gay person abused you or talked you into it. But also, you cannot change any more than a straight person can change. if you look around there are no doubt pamphlets and websites which would help them understand. An organization, Parents, Friends of Lesbians and Gays-- PFLAG--probably has material.
I feel certain they will continue to love you and want the best for you. But, I do not know them, so only you can decide.
 
I would not take it for granted that your parents have spied on you, e.g. by reading your e-mails and/or chatlogs, as you have told us that you are open to anyone at your college.

So it is well-known to anyone at the college that the student Dephira (= the guy Dephira from the small city X) is gay / has gay friends (etc.). Likely (?) / maybe other people from your hometown are also at this college, or have cousins / brothers etc. who are a student over there (etc.). Don't rule out the possibility that your parents have heard the news because other people in their hometown (or relatives of them) have told it to them.

It seems to me that your parents have very peculiar ideas what it means if a guy is gay, and how to interact with gay people. Surely, there are more gay guys living and working in this hometown. Are your parents reli-fundi's?

I tend to advise you that you don't waste too much time to discuss with them when you have the idea that they are reli-fundi christians, and that their ideas about gay people are based on the ideas of reli-fundi christians. Reli-fundi christians are brainwashed and it has no sense to discuss / debate with brainwashed people.

How do you see your future? Keeping tight contact with these narrow-minded members of your family, or building up your own life? I tend to think that you cannot combine both of them, unless your family will change alot of their ideas / opinions?

I tend to agree with the advice of others. Tell them that there are organisations (like PFLAG) who can provide them with alot of info, stop talking with them about your friends and be 'flexible' about the 'promise' you made to them that you are not anymore allowed to have contact with other gays. Or tell them something like 'I will try to do my best', and make clear to them that you don't want to talk much about this topic.

It seems to me that your parents are homophobes, and I would keep the contact with them as minimal as possible. There is no need for you to 'make them happy' when they are homophobes (and/or reli-fundi christians with a brainwashed mind), so try to avoid the topic as much as possible during the next three months.

I know I won't stop hanging out with someone who's my friend just because they happen to be gay. Yap & ofcourse, and most straight guys of around your age have opinions similar to your ideas.

Any idea about the reaction of your parents when they would find out that a local girl / a girl at your college was pregnant because you had unprotected sex with her?

Try to find a balance that they keep giving you money to finish your education (did they make a promise to you that they should do that for your whole education?), and that you don't need to ly too much to them.

Feel free to react.

Take care & good luck.
 
Parents are only human and like all of us are ignorant of any number of issues. Parents sometimes speak in generalities to, or in front of their children, as a preventative, cautionary admonition if they feel their child is on the fence about something.

Many people project that gays have difficulties that are insurmountable. No parent wants their child to have to face any difficulty. From that position and from the position of ignorance regarding homosexuality in general they have arrived at erroneous conclusions and unknowingly gave you cause for concern not about who you are, but who they are.

At least half of what they said was just hot air and the rest can be educated away. My guess is they feel justified saying what they said, thinking it was for your own good. They don't want to hurt you. In any case, you won't know until you come out and they have a chance to educate themselves and make amends for hurting you. The choice is yours as whether or not you wish to remain ill at ease until you graduate. If this weighs so heavily upon you that you have difficulty coping take it to a therapist rather than allowing it to affect your grades. Take care of yourself.
 
Your parents are older, but you know more about your sexual preferences and about gay life.

So it is your turn to educate your parents. Be a good teacher and don't demand too much from your students. They cannot learn everything in a single lecture! And because they are your family, you should be a good diplomat as well. You are smart enough to succeed!

I am optimistic that you will go on enjoying both college life and your family.
 
I have always stated that parents have the inescapable duty to take care of their children and support them. That includes not only the financial side, but also emotionally. What they are doing right now is projecting their own bigotry on you instead of seeing you and trusting you. That's their problem, and it's also a failure on their part as parents.

You owe them NOTHING in this regard. You are who you are, and if they think it's wrong, frankly, they can go jump off a cliff for all you should care. Lie to them with an open honest face, finish your degree, and in the mean time hunt for jobs. They tipped their hand by threatening to not let you go back. That shows that they care more about their own fobias than about your future. That should tell you a LOT about those people and about how quickly you need to become independent from them.

I have zero sympathy for them in this situation. There is no guilt in protecting yourself. You owe it to yourself to make something of your life, and you will never achieve that if you are dragged back by ignorant parents or your guilt for lying to them.


As for the whole educating them thing - it will not work until you are free of them. Obviously they have no respect for you as an equal, so why should they care about anything you say on the subject? You're OBVIOUSLY weak and impressionable, and the evil gays have corrupted you. The only way you will teach them anything is by getting away and building a great life for yourself. If they want to be part of it, they're welcome. If not, well, like I said - their failure, not yours.
 
I think lying to them is not the right way to deal with it. Where will the lying stop? Who else will he find it "necessary" to lie to?
Lying to them is going back into the closet. Lots of us have been disowned. We survived.
 
Yes and lots of us didn't get our degrees because we were scratching out survival. The OP has a right to expect the support his parents would give to a straight child.

His parents have changed the rules for that support - i.e. he's not gay, just a victim of predatory faggots, he's not to become gay, and if he doesn't agree he's out on his ass. More or less.

They've essentially told him that they control his life, he's not allowed to make any decisions they don't like, and he's not who he is - he's who they say he is - or else.

Normally I would agree that lying to your parents is not the way to go, but - there is an exception to every rule. He knows exactly what his parents attitudes are, and it's possible that if the OP had told them - instead of however they found out, they might have reacted differently, but probably not.

He's one year away from his degree, and they are holding that threat over him deliberately.

The lying stops the moment there is no more threat - his parents control that, his parents set up the conditions.

My advice, lies of omission, don't talk about it, don't talk to them - unless college is a lot different than it was, you probably don't talk to them much anyway, just make happy noises at them and then tell them point blank once you've got a job - and DO NOT move back in with them for any reason, even if you have to live in a dive and work at a fast food joint until you can get on your feet. I worked at Starbucks and lived in a 2 bedroom shack with 6 other guys when I first moved to WEHO after college - until I got a better job, it can be done, you just have to find the motivation within yourself to be the guy you need to be to do that for yourself.
 
Oh and yeah, it's easier to get financial aid for grad school if you've been accepted somewhere, so long as you keep up with any loan payments you've already got.
 
The parents paying for his education is a gift to him from them. It is not their oblgation and it is not his right to expect it.
He is an adult, he does not need their permisssion to live his life independently of them.

What the parents are doing is expressing 'conditional' love, if you can call it love at all. By lying to them, he stoops to their level of manipulation, in my opinion.
 
Dephira said:
Yesterday evening my mum and dad set me down to talk to me about something. I just recently finished my third year of college, meaning I have one year left ahead of me, and came back home for this summer. While I'm completely out at college and have never had any problems with it, no one in my family or even my hometown in general knows. However, it seems like one way or another, my parents managed to find out some stuff because they told me yesterday that they knew I was involved with guys; even though they didn't seem to know much about details. My immediate reaction is that they must have somehow spied on me and read my e-mails or chatlogs as I used both to talk to a guy I was involved with starting last semester.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter how they found out, but they went on to talk to me about how worried they are about me. The thing is, even though I'm an adult by age, I'm the youngest of three and I think this makes them act extra protective towards me and sometimes treat me like a baby. I was surprised to find out that me being gay didn't seem to be part of their concern; because, as it turns out, they don't seem to realize it. They think that somehow I turned to guys to fulfill some sort of emotional need that I have that I couldn't talk about to anyone (which is untrue, as I'm the happiest at college that I've ever been. Besides, I have known that I'm gay since I had been 14, and I had never had any problems with it. For me, it's just part of who I am.) My mother then went on to say some pretty nasty things about gay men: How she knows that they can be very friendly, and this is how they "lull you in"; they see that you have some sort of problem, and they're friendly to you, and that's how they drag you into their "scene" to convert you. This kind of homophobic talk of conversions, a gay agenda, rampant drug use and AIDS that I had never before heard anyone say personally. And how all of them sit around at home all day unproductively, wastrels and useless to society. I was really astonished to hear these things coming from her.

Part of it is probably that they have never really known gay people in real life because we live in a suburban place. But I realize that I have always been incredibly different in many ways from my family. Whereas the two of them believe these kind of things, I have always been way more liberal, I don't care what people do as long as they don't hurt other people, etc. When I went to college, I could really live the way I wanted for the first time, and I was really happy almost for the first time in my life (as cliche as it sounds). Now that my parents found out about this, they are threatening to not let me back this fall (they are paying for most of my tuition); I think I managed to convince them that this would be a really bad idea, because I have already done 3/4 of it, and the last three years would be essentially wasted; however, I did have to promise them that I would stop hanging around "these kinds of people". Now for the next three months while I'm home I have to make them believe that I'm ready to cut all ties to gay people and that I agree with them on how dangerous that scene is, how easily I can be seduced into dangerous things because I'm young and stupid and how I won't talk to them again. These are the kind of things that over the past three years I read people saying on the internet, things that make me really angry; and now I have to hear them from my own parents. I also still feel bad because I know that I'm pretending and as soon as I arrive back in the fall, I will still be hanging out with all my friends from there. While I feel bad, I also think that my parents beliefs are completely irreconcilable with what I believe, and I know I won't stop hanging out with someone who's my friend just because they happen to be gay. However, I still feel like I'm tricking my parents with this, and I don't know whether it's fair to put my own happiness above their concern, which is real, no matter how unfounded or even hurtful it might be.

I'm also concerned about my long-term prospects, because I feel like yesterday I discovered a side of my parents I didn't know existed (before this we had never really talked about the issue of gay people so I had no idea what their stance really was, even though I suspected they wouldn't be very informed) and now I feel like I really can't be happy at home; I'd have to constantly be living a lie in order to make my parents happy. And while emotionally, I know I'd be ready to live on my own after college, I don't know whether it's fiscally possible. With the current economy, it might be very hard for me to find a job after graduating next year that allows me to live on my own. I've also long had plans to go on and get a Master's Degree in a field that really interests me; but without support from my parents, this won't be possible. At the same time, the thought of lying to them like this for three more years disgusts me. I would rather be free and on my own sooner rather than later.

I don't really know what I'm asking for with this post, I'm not sure that there's much advice to be given. For the past three years, I lived in a really liberal place that really coincided with all my beliefs and have been truly happy. I guess yesterday's conversation was like a slap in the face from reality for me, reminding me that not everyone thinks like the people in my liberal collegetown.
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My advice would to at least make then think you are not having anything to do with gay guys,while your home for the summer.
Now i'm not talking go out and date girls just aact like your not interestred in guys then wehn yuo go back to collage be yor self then once you ahve the degree in hand set them down and have a long talk with them about the fact your gay and you knew you whjere gay at such and such age etc etc.

In other words then set down and if they want to treat you liek the little kid then talk to them like the mature aduct who is addressing a kid.
Becaus efrom my experince "ADULT" parents of gay offspring tend to get rather childish acting!
 
sixthson said:
The parents paying for his education is a gift to him from them. It is not their oblgation and it is not his right to expect it.
He is an adult, he does not need their permisssion to live his life independently of them.

What the parents are doing is expressing 'conditional' love, if you can call it love at all. By lying to them, he stoops to their level of manipulation, in my opinion.
Click to expand...

I get infractions when I argue here, but I will just point out that the typically American "once you turn 18, you are on your own and we are done with you" mentality is not shared by MANY people even in the US, and is also very inconsistent with an education system that DEMANDS parental support.

Doing what you need to do to ensure you have the education that will give you a chance at good life is not "stooping", it's rising to a challenge.
 
Rolyo85 said:
I get infractions when I argue here, but I will just point out that the typically American "once you turn 18, you are on your own and we are done with you" mentality is not shared by MANY people even in the US, and is also very inconsistent with an education system that DEMANDS parental support.

Doing what you need to do to ensure you have the education that will give you a chance at good life is not "stooping", it's rising to a challenge.
Click to expand...

YOu don't get infractions for arguing, you get them for flaming, among other things

I don't hold to the "once you turn 18..." opinion, either. Anyone who has ever read one of my posts about my family knows that.
I was speaking of legalities. A parents is obligated to educate their underage children, not their adult (over 18) children. Morally, emotionally, psychologically are other issues.

My parents kicked us out of the house when we turned 18. Looking back on that time, I could have used their support, but it was never there growing up anyway, so why should college years be any different. Now, I'm glad to say I owed them nothing for my upbringing or support.
 
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