Teenager Confidence ?

[KennyD]

A few days ago, a fourteen year old son of friends of mine confided in me that he is "Bi-Sexual" . He told me that he has had all forms of sex with another fourteen year old guy and that he enjoys it ... and .. that he has no intention of stopping. Yes; they use condoms etc ..
My problem ... this is a very smart kid. He is one of the top five on the F-Cat (sp) testing in this STATE .. He informed me that he has confided in me as : A Pastor, A Counselor, and as a Friend . So, do I keep my mouth shut and not talk to his parents about this or do I break the confidence and try to guide the kid . Personally; I really have a problem with talking to the parents since he specifically told me this was in "Confidence" .
Has anyone been in a similar situation ? If so, what did YOU do ? Thanks for any feedback on ths ...

 

[190E]

I would keep this in confidence, he did come to you expecting you to keep it as such. When you were a kid, did you want to have someone else tell your parents you were gay? I wouldnt think it fair to ruin his trust. Just give him your wisdom, and let him make his own decisions.

 

[Eagle653]

He asked you to keep his confidence and, by listening, you tactily agreed. I would keep your word or you'll lose all credibility and respect with him and anyone he can get to.

Whether or not you "guide" him is up to you and a host of circumstances. I'm not sure I understand how "guiding" him would break his confidence--such guidance would be between you and him.

Most importantly, though, would be what type of guiding would you provide? In other words, did he explicity ask you for specific advice or guidance, or did he just confide this in you because he wanted to tell someone (but did not ask for advice or assistance in the matter)?

In general, it'd probably be best to tuck the info away and carry on as usual and let him approach you if he wants to talk, or needs advice navigating his early experiences. You say he's smart and seems to have his head together. Trust that he'll have good instincts, chose right from wrong, and make his own way just fine. But, as an older and wiser man--and one he trusts--stand by to be his friend, if needed.

Good luck. It speaks volumes that he trusted you with such personal information.

 

[tea123456]

um....No, you are saying that it is perfect ok and acceptable for a 14 year old to have sex freely as he wish?
if you had a child, would you like him/her to have sex at this early age?

the kid is only 14, and its even illegal in some states for teenagers to have sex
and theres a reason why there are laws for under-aged sex
teenagers are horny and easily influenced, if he is surrounded by the wrong kind of people.
it can lead to promiscuousy and even worse things, you know what i mean, sex is for ADULTS ONLY
a 14 year old is way too young to decide who he should be having sex with

he might be smart, but he is still young, and he has yet a lot to learn
i advise you to convince him, that sex has a lot of responsibility, and he is currently too young to handle it

 

[JOHN B]

Keep the kids confidence, but tell his parents that they might want to start asking their kid more about his personal life, and take more of an interest in who he is socializing with. Today he's having sex with another fourteen year old. tomorrow he might try to meet someone off the web....

 

[RicanDAB]

Kenny,

This is a confidence you need to keep. He entrusted you -- and he is at such an impressionable age that if you were to break the trust that would cause him to formulate lifelong issues with confiding in others, especially regarding his sexuality. Also, do you really want to tackle the possibility of "naive" adults asking WHY this kid felt he could confide sexuality information with you?

 

[inlovewithanton]

um....No, you are saying that it is perfect ok and acceptable for a 14 year old to have sex freely as he wish?
if you had a child, would you like him/her to have sex at this early age?

the kid is only 14, and its even illegal in some states for teenagers to have sex
and theres a reason why there are laws for under-aged sex
teenagers are horny and easily influenced, if he is surrounded by the wrong kind of people.
it can lead to promiscuousy and even worse things, you know what i mean, sex is for ADULTS ONLY
a 14 year old is way too young to decide who he should be having sex with

he might be smart, but he is still young, and he has yet a lot to learn
i advise you to convince him, that sex has a lot of responsibility, and he is currently too young to handle it

But the kid is going to be having sex regardless. If he breaks this confidence, not only will he still be having sex but he wont have anyone to talk to, and he might feel as though he cant talk to anyone else because the person he trusted broke his confidence.

It's not your place to tell his parents he's gay, or having sex, but since you agreed to listen and at the time gave your word, you should keep that promise but make an effort to make sure he keeps on being safe and smart about his choices. I know he put you between a rock and a hard place, but I know I would have loved having an adult to talk to about this when I was 14.

 

[Riverrick]

Aren't there certain rules of confidentiality that you have to follow as a Pastor and a Counsellor? And isn't it specifically spelled out when you can break those rules, such as when a client poses a threat to his own or another's life?

Within that framework, it seems clear that his discussion with you is protected.

 

[racer2438]

If you dont keep your word.


you will never forget that you let someone down that trusted you w/there deepest secret.


it's not your place to go around and tattletale.

 

[tea123456]

But the kid is going to be having sex regardless. If he breaks this confidence, not only will he still be having sex but he wont have anyone to talk to, and he might feel as though he cant talk to anyone else because the person he trusted broke his confidence.

that might be true, but it doesnt mean you cant talk to and educate him about the responsibilities of sex, its not something fun or to fool around with, it is highly likely that the kid thinks that.

dear poster, you should really educate him a bit and convince him that sex is for mature adults to can make smarter decision without the effect of hormones.

 

[trawler69]

Please keep his confidence and be there for him for when he needs advice. I too wish I had had a more experienced elder person who I could talk to and trust at that age. If he ever found out that you had told his parents he would be devastated and the possible consequences don't bear thinking about.

 

[mydrew1]

It's not your place to tell his parents, it's his when he's ready. Don't talk to his parents at all if tht makes you feel better, I don't see what so special about them.

 

[KennyD]

I'd like to thank everyone who has replied so far ; and I really do appreciate the time and thought going into each answere ...
Like I said ... I was very much leaning towards keeping the confidence and being there for him to confide in and talk to as/if needed .
He is so very intelligent .. he told me of using the condoms and why ... like to prevent std's etc .. and he knows the names of most of the major std, what they are, what if anything can be done to treat them etc ... and the ones that you are stuck with ...
Anytime he has had a problem in the last couple of years , he has always called on me to come take him out to eat ... then we can talk about whatever is bothering him .... Was I ever shocked when we were sitting in Olive Garden and he looked over at me and bluntly said .. "I'm Bi-Sexual" ... Then proceeded to tell me about he and his "Friend" . (Who I also know)
It is impossible for me to not speak to the parents as we are GOOD friends and I see them at least three times a week and I am expected at their home every holiday ... we're extended family.
Just today; the mother ask me to stay at their home and watch after the fourteen year old and his fifteen year old brother for about a week in May when she and the hubby go on a trip ...
I really believe that I have a duty and an obligation to keep his confidence, friendship, and trust .... and I shall do so. I will continue to be there when he needs to talk about life, school, sex or whatever .... and .. I shall be there for his brother too (who I know is having sex with one girl and has already been active with two others ...)
I won't be the SEX POLICE ;I'll just be there for both of them .. and take it one day at a time ...

 

[luminum]

He told you in confidence, so you really have no right to tell. Especially because he's not doing anything illegal. It is not a crime for a 14 year-old ot have sex with another consenting 14 year-old. It may be unfavorable undesireable, or not what you and others think a 14 year-old should be doing at his age, but it;s not a crime, and poses no threat to the kid.

He told you he's safe and uses condoms, so that's not a problem, either.

However, fi you're concerned about him, then as his confidant, pull him aside and tell him that you will keep it in confidence, however, you don't feel that he should be doing this at his age because he should be focusing on other things, or you think he's not at an age where sex is appropriate for him. You won't tell his parents, but as an adult and a sort of guardian, you don't think he should be engaging in sexual activity.

Personally, if I ask myself why a 14 year-old shouldn't be having sex with another consenting 14 year-old, I can't think of any reasons except "Because he's too young." But if he's already done it a lot with another kid and he's well adjusted and it's all consensual and he's doing it safely, I really can't see how it's damaging him exactly, other than running the risk of becomign sexually obsessed (which I don't believe will happen).

My biggest concern would be whether or not he knows how to be safe. Saying that he "uses condoms" doesn't prove that he knows the ins and outs of safe sex. I don't know if you're in a position ot give him that information, since you're a Pastor, but...if you're the only person who knows, then maybe you should direct him to a location, website, or person that can.

His parents don't need to know if it's not placing him in danger or if it's not illegal. Ideally, iw ould hope his parents had told him how to have safe sex, which would be my only motivation for wanting to tell them. That way, they could get him information, etc., which is more appropriate. However, there's no guarantee that they would react that well to his sexual behavior or his sexual orientation.

 

[Lefty]

my word is my bond.

you must have wanted to hear what he had to say

the price...silence...are you not a MAN of your word?

 

[inlovewithanton]

that might be true, but it doesnt mean you cant talk to and educate him about the responsibilities of sex, its not something fun or to fool around with, it is highly likely that the kid thinks that.

dear poster, you should really educate him a bit and convince him that sex is for mature adults to can make smarter decision without the effect of hormones.

Did you read the rest of the post, thats exactly what I said. lol.

 

[tea123456]

Especially because he's not doing anything illegal. It is not a crime for a 14 year-old ot have sex with another consenting 14 year-old.

it depends on the country or state, so your point doesnt necessarily apply to the poster's situation unless you know where he lives.

i personally think 14 is way too young for sex.

and if his parents finds out about this secret between you 2, i think its gonna destroy your friendship between you and the boy's parents, you are close friends with them right?

if i had a child, and a close friend, if i discover the child was having sex without me knowing, and the deceit of my friend will just make things worse

 

[luminum]

Neither do yours then, that what he's doing is illegal, since you don't know where he lives either.

But regardless, it's not his secret to tell. The kid is not in any danger, since a 14 year-old won't push a responsibility on another 14 year-old, if 14 year-olds allegedly "don't understand the responsibility of sex".

The parents, if they're decent parents, should understand that as a pastor, what this kid confides in him is a secret and he has no business telling them that. It's not deception, and it's not lying, it's confidentiality. But if the kid is in danger, then it is his responsibility. The kid, as he is, sleeping with another 14 year old and being safe, is in no physical or emotional danger.

 

[Soilwork]

Many of us had sex at 14 with other guys our age.

That he's confidant enough to talk to you about it is very cool.

He doesn't seem to need guidance... he even has safe sex.

Just keep his secret. I don't see any reason to stab him in the back.

 

[jockboy01]

dear poster, you should really educate him a bit and convince him that sex is for mature adults to can make smarter decision without the effect of hormones.

In an ideal world this would be true. But let's be honest, this isn't an ideal world... or even close to it. Pushing too hard in the "abstinence until mature" direction will only push away a 14 year old and therefore lose any possibility of influence.

KennyD, I think you're doing the right thing. I was the kid (although quite a bit older than 14) not too many years ago in a similar situation. Only difference is that my pastor didn't know my parents and I was early 20s. He was great... he didn't judge but he made it clear that he just cared about me and didn't want to see me make bad decisions. There were times when I really wanted him to tell me what to do even... and he only did if the answer was crystal clear. I've remained great friends with him. So, keep his trust and guide him gently in a manner that shows you're not trying to control him but only care about him.

and if his parents finds out about this secret between you 2, i think its gonna destroy your friendship between you and the boy's parents, you are close friends with them right?

if i had a child, and a close friend, if i discover the child was having sex without me knowing, and the deceit of my friend will just make things worse

For some that may be the case. But first of all, I don't think the parents will necessarily find out.... about the sex or the fact that you knew about it. It would be a monumental task to learn both unless the kid tells. And you said he's a smart kid, so I wouldn't worry. And if they do, I think you can explain to them that he'd asked you not to tell and you kept that confidence as you think it is important that kids have somebody they can turn to and that person isn't always (and in fact, rarely is) a parent.

If it were my kid, I would initially be mad, but I think I would be able to walk in the other person's shoes and be understanding.