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The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.
Good for you I am glad your last year experience has allowed you to grow alot.
Oh the age thing, doesn't matter, you will be suprised how normal you are.
You do need to move on. If your ex wanted to get back with you it would be a different story, but he has moved on. You need to stop thinking with thoughts well I want this, or this is the way things should be. For no matter how much you want something or it should be a certain way it isn't going to happen like that. It isn't reality.
There is other people out there, people like you and people who are not like you but at the same time are a "personal fit" and it just "works. You will find someone eventually
well im not sure what you can do,but why dont you try to contact him again?
tell him you are sorry,i mean people make mistakes espacially when they are scared and you were scared.
if he dosent wanna listen to you,then send him a letter!
tell him you are still in love with him!
if i was you i would try to win him back and if it dosent work then you should try to move on,cos you never know,maybe he is still in love with you.
yea you should definatelly contact him.moving on is not allways the solution.maybe he wants you,it means nothing that he has a new boyfriend!
thats natural,i mean he was sad dissapointed and had to something like that.
you have to fight for something you want,you have to fight for someon you love!
it may sound selfish,but you shouldnt care about his boyfriend!
i mean you love him too!
if you think you want him back,you should try and get him back.maybe it dosent work with the first or the second time but you should keep on trying.
even if he sends you away and stuff,this will be cos he is still angry at you,not that he dosent love you!
dont give up that easily cos if you push yourself to move on it will harm you!
if you really love him,dont give him up! fight for him,even if some people will call you bad!you have just one life,try to live it the way you are gonna enjoy it!
if you went away, you should stay away. 20/20 hindsight doesn't work in relationships..he would always have that niggling little doubt about you leaving again. (at least i would)
its amazing how absence makes the heart grow fonder and the brain go yonder. one tends to bllur or forget the less good parts and emphasize the rest...of course, that is IMO.
i feel like im clinging onto the fact that he still had feelings for me but what if he's really happy with his new boyfriend and I go in and wreck that?! I feel like after everything I have done to him, if he is truly happy I have to accept it and let him go.
I think you're right. Besides, "wrecking that" would require his cooperation, which seems unlikely at the moment. Without his cooperation, you just end up looking like a fool and him hating you for trying.
Sometimes we just aren't ready when a right one comes along. But, you used the experience to learn so much about yourself, that I doubt you'll make that same mistake twice when the next right one comes along. And, who knows, maybe it'll turn out that his present relationship goes no-where and he realizes you've grown, are different, and events bring you two together again (stranger things have happened out there).
Good luck! I know it's a terribly trite addage, but "time does heal all wounds." Sooner or later you'll stop the comparisons, and the pain of this one getting away will lessen. You'll find someone, I'm sure of it.
I know you want it to work out with Chris, but my advice is to let it go. Maybe a sincere email that says something along the lines of "I'm sorry I treated you so bad in the past but I know I can't go back now. I hope that we can be friends, if not now, at some point in the future" would be appropriate. But I would strongly advise against trying to make up for things and hope he'll come back. It's only going to make things harder for both of you.
Other than that, I'd say learn from your mistakes. Time will make things better as averageguy states. If you learned something from this relationship, you can't consider it a total loss. There are other great guys out there. It's just hard to see the open doors while looking at the one that closed behind you.
I'll just add that you are going through a normal stage of breaking up, which is a bargaining to get him back. There will come a point at which you will finally face your loss and grieve. And as painful as that is to do, you will feel much better and be able to move on with you life afterwards.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Breaking is always the hardest thing to do as they say. Time will heal, I don't doubt that. But, that doesn't mean the healing bit won't hurt just as much. Allow yourself space and maybe you'd be able to see things from a different perspective. You will never forget him, but it would be a silly thing to do anyway, why would we want to forget someone whom we have loved so much? We'll also never stop loving someone but I think it is only 'how' we love that person thta really changes over time. I can't tell you how long it would take you to get over him, you might feel real good after 3 weeks but a week later, you might just break down and cry and crave for him. That's perfectly normal, and I know it only too well because I am going through it myself. Despite that, I believe we will still emerge victorious but not vindictive. Feel free to share with us your feelings and what you're going through, cry if you want to, all these help - at least they worked for me. Peace!
I was fighting for a long time to keep things together and now things are out in the open, emotionally im a bit all over the place - crying at films etc...i never used to cry at anything!!! I guess ive got to give it more time. Thought that trying to get close with someone else would help but its really only just a distraction im not ready for and i dont wanna hurt anyone else.
Yeah, its perfectly normal to go through "lows" during and after a breakup. You'll be more emotionally fragile then too. It helps to talk about it like you are doing now.
Finding someone else right now really is only a distraction. Those "rebound relationships" don't ever seem to work out right. Yes, I know from personal experience. Spend some more time with yourself and talking here on the forum. You'll know when you're ready again.
I agree with riverrick... time is really the only cure here. Many other things have been tried (rebounds, slam dunks, witch's brew) and none ever really worked. Hang in there, it'll get better.
wow....ive never posted on here as I said before but i really wish i had, you guys are amazing - have always felt like i could deal with things on my own and that i didnt need anyone elses help but being with Stuart made me realise how important it is to be honest and open and to let people in. I guess its true that its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Just wish things were gettin easier. I was fine 3 weeks ago and latelty ive had a bit more time to think about him, things have reminded me of him and the fucking dismall weather doesnt make you feel any better. I was fighting for a long time to keep things together and now things are out in the open, emotionally im a bit all over the place - crying at films etc...i never used to cry at anything!!! I guess ive got to give it more time. Thought that trying to get close with someone else would help but its really only just a distraction im not ready for and i dont wanna hurt anyone else.
Uni Guy I know this is going to sound strange, but what is actually happening with you crying recently when before hand you were able to just "hold it all together" is actually a good thing. You weren't any stronger back them you were just numb to your actual feelings/emotions. Emotions just don't leave you and when you numb them they remain, you aren't just feeling the immediate effects of them. (Remember the five stages of grief apply to more things than comming out, death, or other forms of loss).
Yes it may suck now but in the long run it is better to deal with these emotions if you want to be healthy. In the end these emotions will cause you to grow and you will feel better about what happen and better with yourself.
Trust me after some time you will feel great about yourself and the whole world once again
Oh one last thing, whenever you are healthy and "back on your feet" emotionally maybe then it wil be alright to send an e-mail/christmas card appologizing and wishing him the best. Maybe you two can salvage a friendship (Only do this though when you have move on though, else it will just make you feel worse.)
You feel like near the end of this don't you? Right when she is cowering. But you haven't felt the end of it yet. You haven't felt the sun yet, thus you don't smile.
Thanks for all the advice guys, sounds like some of you have been through the same thing...i dont mean to sound dramatic, just finding it all really tough. Some days when im busy I dont think about things at all but when i have a bit of spare time...its awful. Whilst i realise most of you dont think i should get in contact with him and I agree with everything u r saying, i am gettin to the point where I feel like I am going to have to email him, even if its just a couple of lines. It wont be heavy or anthing because the last thing i want to do is mess him up, especially as he's probably happy and sorted. He deserves to be happy, especially after the amount of time and effort he put in with me. I think its just because i cant get past how guilty i feel about the way i treated him and how awful i was. The fact that he tried to help me for months and months just makes me realise how ungrateful i was and how much he loved me. How stupid could i be?!
We have all been there (or at least most of us have, and a good portion of the remainder will feel like that sometime in the future). Thing is Uni it happened, yes you acted childish, but everybody has acted childish sometime during their lives. Remember though Uni you acted chilidish in the past, are you acting childish right now? Are you forced to remain childish, is something forcing you to act this way in the future? The answer is no, we all once acted childish in the past but we grow into something more and we better ourselves. You need to forgive yourself for the hurt you caused others. This is the way out of shame.
You want to contact your ex boyfriend for you want him to say I forgive you. By having him say those words you will be less hard on yourself. You are asking him for permission so you can forgive himself. This isn't how things should be, the number one person you are accountable to is yourself, everybody else is secondary. The person you need to ask forgiveness from is yourself. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and be happy just being yourself. By going to your ex you are just prolonging the inevitable, you don't want to ask yourself forgiveness for right now you don't think you have the right to forgive yourself.
Yes you hurt your ex, but honey he is the one who has moved on. He may have been hurt but he picked himself back up and went on with his life. Yes you caused him alot of pain, but with time our minds and bodies dimn the pain, and we also discover such joy which makes our lives worthwile even though we felt some powerful temporary pain. Don't talk to your ex till you are better emotionally, not for his sake but for yours for it is you who will suffer from such an encounter not him. Such an encounter will just remind you of all the hurt you have caused, and thus you will just start from the very beginning of this shame trip, and thus you will just be in it even longer and thus feel worse.
Good Luck I know it sucks now, but you are almost out of the tunnel of despair, the last steps of the journey are always the worse, because these steps cause you to grow the most. You are almost there, and trust me the other side is great
I'm really glad you found this place mate...you are never alone and never the first to face these sorts of issues and these guys are great support...they are always here for you....
Mate...Stuart will always have a place in your heart...now and in the future. Hes the first guy who saw the real you, the first guy that you fully trusted and were open and honest with. He accepted you, valued you and supported you. For you he was the first guy you gave yourself too even though you didnt realise you had...to feel the way you do is the way its meant to be when someone special enters your life - dont beat yourself up over those feelings. They are things that teach us...But does that mean he is the right guy and only guy for you??? No mate it doesnt.
At the time your own issues clouded your judgement and your behavior...it happens to all of us. We sometimes struggle so much with our own thoughts we dont realise the effect we have on other aspects of our lives. You were going through a rough tough time - emotionally it must have turmoil for a while there.
The real strength that you have right now is knowing that you maybe didnt do things the way you wanted or should have. You have feelings in you that make you aware of the fact that next time you will do things differently. Take those feelings and learn from them - use them to grow. You sound like a guy with great values and judgement and you just have to let this be a learning experience.
Try and make peace with Stuart if you want - tell him that you regret those things that you do - be honest and open - and let him fill whatever role he wants in your life. He sounds like hes happy and has moved on - its great that you recognize that - it takes courage to let go. Its hard mate but you seem like you have the strength to do it...be proud that you recognize those things in yourself. It about respect for others as much as it about yourself.
Dont be afraid to feel. Its what makes you who you are. It reflects your values and passions...it teaches you judgement.
Be grateful that he entered your life, taught you much about yourself and others. You've learnt and you are better off because of it. Love him and cherish him for those things...but its time to move on...he has and you're are glad hes happy...my guess is he wants the same for you.
Thanks tall-guy, a lot of what u said makes real sense to me. Its been a pretty tough week and I dont really know why becuase i really did think i was coming out tht other side with all this but i guess its a gradual process. I may still email him but purely on a friendly basis. Think its important that i get over what i did to him, more so than him forgiving me (which i may never get) becuase untill i forgive myself for the stupid way i behaved, I will never be able to move on and will keep going round in circles! Thanks for replying, appreciate it.
Keep him in mind, but realize that he may not ever come back.
And just take what you've learned in your mistakes with him and apply them to someone new.
I thoroughly believe that we do not have just 'one' person made for us. So there are others out there, but you can't compare them to him. Each person is unique and deserves your fresh attention.
It's hard, especially when you're still attached, but you gotta move on and when you do, you'll be on the road to finding and treating the next one the way you should and walking towards your own happiness together.
Thanks for all the advice guys, sounds like some of you have been through the same thing...i dont mean to sound dramatic, just finding it all really tough. Some days when im busy I dont think about things at all but when i have a bit of spare time...its awful. Whilst i realise most of you dont think i should get in contact with him and I agree with everything u r saying, i am gettin to the point where I feel like I am going to have to email him, even if its just a couple of lines. It wont be heavy or anthing because the last thing i want to do is mess him up, especially as he's probably happy and sorted. He deserves to be happy, especially after the amount of time and effort he put in with me. I think its just because i cant get past how guilty i feel about the way i treated him and how awful i was. The fact that he tried to help me for months and months just makes me realise how ungrateful i was and how much he loved me. How stupid could i be?!
Speaking as a hopeless idealist and romantic, I think you SHOULD CONTACT STUART, e-mail, phone calls, any means!!! At least meet once and talk things over, such as how you're sorry, how you ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM, how much you changed, came out, and accepted yourself, etc.
That is, if you are sure that you are in love him. Get him back if he means that much to you. At least try - this is a point that you should throw away your pride and dignity!!!
After meeting with Stuart, if he is totally over you, then it's a different story. Then you should let him move on and be happy, while you keep all the good memories and treasure them forever deep down inside your heart.
Well, what can I say? "The beauty of first love is in its delicacy and vulnerability, and that you never though it would cease away one day."
I am glad your last year experience has allowed you to grow alot.
