The Hidden Lives of Virgins

[ChrisGibson]

Aileen is really down to her last nerve right here and totally worn out. I love her so much. Kevin certainly doesn't deserve her. That's all I'll say. Speaking of something else entirely, how did you feel about Russell's.... is choice a good word?

 

[CharmedFan28]

I felt like he is going to regret it in the future.

 

[ChrisGibson]

No, no. That's what you THOUGHT, but how did you FEEL when Russell punched John?

 

[CharmedFan28]

Sad that it came to that.

 

[ChrisGibson]

ahhh! Yes. Well, now, that is a feeling.

 

[ChrisGibson]

TONIGHT, TINA HAS A BIRTHDAY AND IAN MAKES A DECISION....


Mackenzie tried to hide when they reached the food court, but he did not pull Vaughan into Hollister’s soon enough.
“Well, well, well,” he heard. And then Tina came toward them, followed by Luke.
“Tina!”
“Brother mine! Vaughan! What would you two lovely people be doing at the mall today, this Sunday?”
“Just shopping.”
“For my birthday present?” Tina said. “The one you didn’t get?”
“Oh, Tina!” Mackenzie said, turning red, “Don’t be silly. You’re my favorite sister.”
“Well, given your options, that’s not saying much,” Tina told him.
“How could I forget your birthday?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Because you know I’d never forget yours.” She smiled at him.
“We’re just....” Mackenzie said. “We’re going down to the book store. I want to look at the Star Wars books.”
“I thought you hated Star Wars,” said Luke.
“No, Luke, I don’t!” Mackenzie said in a high voice.
“Yeah you- ”
“No,” he said sharply. “I don’t.”
“Oh, okay,” Luke turned away and shrugged.
“Well,” Tina said, “while you’re looking at Star Wars books—which you do hate—don’t forget that I hate pink, and I need something that wears well in spring and summer. Vaughan, don’t let him screw up, alright?”
“How can he? He’s got that fashion gene, you know? Maybe the reason some gay people stay in the closet so long is because they’re accessorizing.”
Mackenzie frowned at him.
Luke said, “JD Amateur can’t dress worth shit.”
“There are exceptions to every rule,” Tina said. Then to Vaughan and her brother:
“Are you coming to my gala party?”
“I would rather have my balls sucked off by wild pigs,” Vaughan told her.
Luke noted: “I’ve heard some people go in for that,”
But Tina said, “I don’t blame you. It will be a disaster. I wish I could get out of it, but....”
“It’s your birthday,” said Vaughan.
“Bingo... I’ll definitely be over to the house later, though,” she said, meaning Vaughan’s house. “And, Vaughan...? ”
“I know. Make sure he buys you something nice.”
Mackenzie hissed.
“I mean,” said Vaughan, “make sure he already bought you something nice.”
He turned to Mackenzie, “Because you’re such a good brother, you’d never forget your sister’s eighteenth birthday.”

Claudia and Luke were at the house to help Tina ring in her eighteenth birthday. Somehow Ashley had managed to snag Derrick Todd. The twins shared a very large, heart shaped cake, pink and red like something for Valentine’s Day, but split down the middle with one side bearing each name. Kevin was holding back Ashley’s hair from the candles, and Aileen was holding back Tina’s. Tina looked across at her twin, the candlelight on her face, and in her beautiful eyes, and realized that she had been jealous of her. In this light she looked so much like Mackenzie. And she realized that if the best Ashley could get to show up for her eighteenth birthday was Derrick Todd then she must have no friends.
“Make a wish,” Ida said from a corner.
Tina didn’t know what to wish for. No matter how much she thought she needed a thing, thought she wanted it, she could never make a real wish. Maybe that’s why none of them ever came true.
But even while Tina was still thinking, Ashley was blowing out her side of the cake.
Then Tina knew what to wish. She blew.

When she had washed her hands, Tina’s father was on the other side of the bathroom door to greet her, which sort of freaked her out. He said, “Martina, I needed to talk to you.”
She nodded. He looked grumpy and confused, like a little boy. A big little boy.
“Tina, I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. This whole thing is out of proportion. I didn’t mean it. I wanted to take it back then.”
“Well for Crissakes, why didn’t you just say so then?”
“Cause I’m a stupid man, Tina,”
Tina wanted to say, “Sometimes. Sometimes.” But she didn’t.
“Are you staying here tonight?” Kevin said. “All that attic space up there’s been missing you.” He tried to smile. He had renovated that attic for her.
“Yeah, I suppose,” Tina said, taking a hand through her thick hair. It was greasy. It needed to be washed, she realized. “But you need to talk to Mackenzie.”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“Oh, Dad, stop being thick.”

Tina was used to Rodder answering the door by now, and when she came in he gave her a small, distracted grin, and low fived Luke who followed her.
“I would ask if you had a home or what?” she said to Rodder. “But coming from me that would be sort of ironic. Wouldn’t it?”
“Happy Birthday, Tina,” Rodder told her.
She wrapped her arms around him. “You smell like cold, and a twelve hour drive.”
“We just got back,” he said once they’d separated. Luke shut the door, and put Tina’s coat in the closet.
“How was MSI?” said Luke.
Rodder shrugged, and made a non-descriptive noise.
“Oh,” Luke made a similar noise. Tina figured it was a male thing.
Even though she was heading up the stairs on her own, Rodder said, “Madeleine’s upstairs in the BBC-arium with Vaughan and Kenzie.
“How’s the eighteenth birthday?” Madeleine croaked once Tina arrived.
“God, you sound like shit.”
“Laryngitis.”
“Um,” Tina said, sitting down and popping her cigarettes out of the breast pocket of the man’s shirt she wore, “I thought it was all that dick you’d been sucking.”
“That too,” Madeleine murmured, and Vaughan chuckled. Rod and Mackenzie coughed, caught off guard.
“So,” Tina turned to her brother. “Did you get me something nice? Or am I gonna have to ask you why you don’t have laryngitis too?”
Mackenzie turned red and smirked, then lifted his finger, and left the room for a moment.
When he came back, Tina reached for the box and said, “You wrapped it and shit. It’s so nice.”
Luke and Rodder were coming into the large room now as Tina attempted to unwrap the present with care.
“You can just rip it off,” Mackenzie told her.
“Oh, good,” she said and preceded to do so. Vaughan watched as the pink and silver paper went all over the room.
“Oh, shit!” she crowed.
It was a velvety bodice top with pleather pants. Tina screamed and said, “This shit is retro!” she hopped up and hugged her brother. “Now all we need is some fake IDs,” she told him, “and we can go clubbing.”
Then Vaughan gave her his present.
“Oh, God!” she cried.
“Rachel’s brother helped me make them,” Vaughan said.
She held up three fake IDs: one for herself, one for Mackenzie, and one for Luke.
“Vaughan,” Luke took his hand in admiration, nodding his head.
“You criminal,” Rodder remarked.
“Happy birthday,” Vaughan said to Tina. He nodded to Mackenzie and said, “Belated birthday.” Then he crawled back onto the beanbag.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Rodder and Luke sat around the table. Luke took out his cigarettes, and offered one to Rodder who waved it off.
“You ever smoke?” Luke asked him.
“Not cigarettes.”
“Do you get high?” Luke spoke through lips clenched around his cigarette, lighting it with the too tall flame of his lighter.
“Not anymore.”
Luke exhaled.
“Dude, I didn’t know that about you,” Luke grinned.
“You still get high?” Rodder asked him.
“The little lady doesn’t like it,” Luke told him.
“So you two are a couple?”
“Rod, I don’t know what the fuck we are,” he told him. “I mean it’s cool. If I was trying to get into her panties I guess it wouldn’t be cool. But I’m not, so... Tina might not be a girlfriend, but she’s- ”
“The next best thing?”
Luke shook his head.
“I actually think she’s the better thing.”
Cedric came into the kitchen, nodded to Rod, reached for Luke’s pack, and took a cigarette out before heading back to his study.
“He can smell a cigarette like a bloodhound smells a rabbit,” Rodder commented.
“Tobacco- hound?” said Luke. He inhaled. “Dude, I wish I’d known that. I’d love to get high with you sometimes.”
“Well,” Rodder grinned, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Tell me about the Missy.”
“What?”
“M-S-I,” Luke pronounced each letter slowly.
“Oh, that...” Rodder shook his head.
“You never wanted to go there. Did you?”
“Would you believe it if I said I had too much going on here?” Rodder told him.
“No. Cause no one has too much going on in Jamnia.”
“Well,” Rodder said, “I thought that MSI was the place you had to go to. You know, like when some really beautiful girl says, ‘I wanna do you,’ so you think, ‘Well, I’ve got to,’?”
“Like you and Ashley Foster?”
Rodder went red.
“Hey,” Luke said, “you made the comparison. I was just saying.”
“I was talking about in your experience.”
“Rod, I live in a factory, I don’t have experience.”
“But you- ”
“Me and Tina don’t do anything.”
“Well, I knew that,” Rodder said. “But I thought... Girls look at you at school, and talk about how moody and deep you are... And stuff.”
“I’m a virgin.”
“Oh,” Rod was caught up short. “Well... shows how much I know.” He shook his head and moaned, taking his hands over his buzzed hair. “God! I don’t know anything,” he said, his face in his hands. Then Rod shook his head around and yawned. “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t even know who my real friends are anymore. I don’t hang with Bone or Dice or any of those guys anymore. I don’t... know anything.”
“You need to get high,” Luke said, clinically.
Rod, whose face was still on the table, sent his green eyes up towards Luke, and said, “I need a lobotomy.”

Out of the darkness of Vaughan’s room, Mackenzie’s worried voice declared:
“He should have been back by now.”
“You really ought to stop this,” Vaughan told him.
“It’s just that... He would have called,” Mackenzie said. “Wouldn’t he?”
“Maybe he’s tired.”
“But still...” Mackenzie sighed. “I’m paranoid. You know... You’ve never asked what it’s like?”
“To be paranoid?”
“To be with another guy,” Mackenzie said.
“I never thought it was my business.”
“I know,” said Mackenzie. “Sometimes it’s hard to guess what’s on your mind because you keep so much to yourself.”
“For diplomacy’s sake.”
Mackenzie yawned.
“Sometimes you’re too diplomatic.”
“Were you going to tell me?” Vaughan said. “What it’s like?”
“I was just asking if you’d ever wondered.”
“Yes, I’ve wondered.”
“And never asked.”
“I think we’re going around the same tree again.”
“One day I’ll tell you. If I ever get words. I wish he was here now. Not for the sex bit... That’s only a part of it. Just so he could be here. He belongs here.” Mackenzie told the dark.

“I won’t go back home tonight,” Roy told Ian. “I’ll stay here with you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I wish,” Roy told his cousin, “that you wouldn’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Try to shrug me away... when I’m trying to be a cousin.”
Roy had turned away from the window where he was looking out into the dark square of backyard. He turned back to his cousin who was sitting on the bed.
“Thanks,” Ian said.
“I think you shouldn’t listen to your dad,” Roy said.
“You don’t even know what he said.”
“It’s Uncle Sam. It’s got you down. So I can guess that whatever he said you shouldn’t listen to.”
“You really don’t like my dad,” Ian spoke in a tone of discovery.
“Do you?” Roy’s tone wasn’t much different from his cousin’s. “Has he ever said anything worth listening to?”
“He said that if I really cared about Mackenzie I’d break it off.”
Roy just stared at him, his round blue eyes taking in the light.
“See, you didn’t deny that he was right,” Ian told his cousin.
“That’s because I never had to think about that is all.”
Roy shook himself back to consciousness. “I mean... I guess- ” Roy stopped talking. He sat on the bed beside his cousin.
“Are you gay? I mean, do you think of yourself as gay?” Roy said.
“I’m with Mackenzie,” Ian said dully.
“See, I thought... they’re together. That’s all I thought. It was a little strange at first, but it sort of made sense. And I know that this part will not make sense... I thought: Mackenzie: gay. Ian: my cousin who’s with him. I never thought: Ian, my gay cousin. And now... the way Uncle Sam said what he said... about you letting him go. It makes me think.”
“That’s all he told me this weekend, whenever he took me aside he kept saying that this was just a phase. That boys go through it a lot. That I shouldn’t take it seriously. This was not the time to put a label on myself. In the long run I’d just hurt Mackenzie too. He said all this stuff that... sort of made sense. For once he made sense.”
Roy crossed his legs under himself, and sat on the bed looking like a fourteen year old yogi.
“I don’t want to hurt Kenzie,” Ian said at last. “And I... get tired of being gay. I get tired of having a cause. I just want to be ordinary again. And I could be. I could get a girlfriend, and go on being regular.”
“But Mackenzie couldn’t,” Roy said.
“He could if he wanted to.”
“He’d never want to.”
Ian ignored that, and said, “I find myself thinking, ‘Let’s break it off.’ Only if I say, ‘Let’s break it off,’ I’m admitting that there is something to break off. And Dad’s saying that there is nothing.... That it’s not real. And he’s making me feel that way too. Like this whole thing is just a game we’re taking too seriously. Like that’s what gay people are. You know... bread and butter, all that weird shit. Guys go for guys all the time. But they don’t let it define them... Do they? They move on. Have regular lives. It’s the ones who take it too seriously who are gay... queer.”
“Are you quoting Sam now, or is this you?” Roy sounded a little put out.
“You don’t know what it’s like, Roy,” Ian told him. “You ever check out guys?”
Roy looked at his cousin strangely.
“Do you ever check out guys?” Ian repeated.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I mean,” Roy lowered his voice, because they were both getting loud. “What does that mean? Does it mean liking another guy, and wanting to be his friend? Or does it mean wanting to hug another guy? Or does it mean wanting to climb in the sack with him? Does it mean saying he’s nice looking, or does it mean saying, he’s got a great ass? I don’t know.” Roy said, “You might as well stay with Mackenzie and fuck calling it whatever you call it. You love him. The way I love you, or you love Vaughan- ”
“You’re my cousin, and I’ve never fucked Vaughan.”
Roy sighed and threw his hands up, “Well, I don’t know, E. Do what you want, but don’t kill Mackenzie. Don’t treat him like shit. Do what you want,” Roy sounded a little desperate. “I can’t think about this anymore. I got my own shit to deal with.”
Ian quickly pulled himself from himself, and said, “Like?”
Roy realized that his cousin was giving him full attention. Ian had always been like that, quick to leave himself behind.
Roy opened his mouth and then shook his head. “Not now. I don’t feel like going into anything now.”
Ian cocked his head like the RCA dog, and said, “You sure?”
Roy looked at his cousin and smiled. To Ian, Roy looked a lot older than fourteen. Or fifteen as he would soon be. Roy just nodded.

MORE TOMORROW

 

[CharmedFan28]

Wow Ian's father has really screwed with his head. I hope he ends up with Mackenzie but who knows what will happen now. Tina seems to be her own worst enemy in the likability stakes. I don't know if she is ever going to change. Great writing and I look forward to more tomorrow!

 

[ChrisGibson]

Ian has, indeed, arrived at a very low place. As for Tina, I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but she is herself, rough, and herself probably isn't going to change too much in the following last chapters, large as they are.

 

[CharmedFan28]

I just meant that maybe Tina could find some happiness and not be so rough but I know that is unlikely.

 

[ChrisGibson]

Oh, I think Tina's plenty happy, despite her roughness. In fact, I think it's her roughness that makes her happy.

 

[CharmedFan28]

Your probably right.

 

[ChrisGibson]

TONIGHT LOVE IS PRESSED TO ITS LIMITS

Tina was yawning her head off at the kitchen table when the phone rang, and Madeleine went to pick it up.
Rodder and Luke looked up, and Madeleine said, “Well, it’s definitely not for either one of you. It’s for Dad.” She said to the phone. “Hold on, Uncle Ralph, I’ll be right back.”
Madeleine went down the hall as Luke told Tina, “It’s almost time to hit the road.”
“Same here,” Rodder said.
“You could sleep in a guest room,” Tina told Rodder with a smile.
“I don’t think Cedric would want that,” Rodder said.
Cedric came into the kitchen followed by Madeleine, picked up the phone and said, “Hello. Ralph. Oh... ohhh. Yes. Yes. Yes.”
It was a grown-up tone he spoke in, and the kids tensed listening to him.
“Alright, Ralph. Goodnight Ralph.”
He hung up the phone, and they were all looking at him, waiting for the news.

The phone rang at Windham Street. Ida motioned for Alice to turn down Groundation on the stereo, and then picked it up. Meghan, who was finishing off a crochet pattern, put her work down in her lap. She looked up to watch as her sister’s face changed at the news.
“Alright,” Ida said her voice sounding higher than usual. “Yes. Good night, Ced.”
Ida put down the phone, and told them, “Over at Holy Spirit monastery... Father Brumbaugh just died.”

MACKENZIE WAS IN THE SHOWER when Vaughan came into the bathroom the next morning.
Vaughan scared the shit out of his friend by climbing onto the rim of the bathtub and unselfconsciously sticking his head into the steam.
“Kenzie!”
“Holy shit, I was washing my privates!”
“I can’t see anything. I don’t have my glasses on, and it’s all steam. God, do you use any cold water?”
“What is it?” Mackenzie squinted up at him.
“Father Brumbaugh is dead.”
“Oh, shit, Vaughan. Vaughan, that’s terrible.”
“Mackenzie, he was a hundred and five years old.”
Mackenzie shut off the water, reached for his towel, and stepped out of the shower, dripping.
“Oh, stop. He was in his eighties. I know he was old... but still. I guess that’s the quota for bad news today. Before eight in the morning... What else- ?”
“Stop it!” Vaughan commanded.
“What?” Mackenzie looked at his friend. He unwrapped the towel and began drying his hair.
Vaughan, reaching for his toothbrush as Mackenzie began to dry his torso, said, “It’s just bad luck to ask what else could happen. Because that’s when- inevitably- something else will happen.”

i i

MACKENZIE FOSTER WAS NOT SO shaken by the death of Father Brumbaugh that as soon as he got to school he did not set about searching for Ian, trying to find out where the other boy was. He was not at his locker. Maybe he had decided not to come to school. Actually, this was all beginning to tick Mackenzie off. Ian should have had the decency to call, to say something.
Or maybe he thinks I’m a real man, and that I won’t freak out over him not calling.
But as he shut his locker, Mackenzie confessed that he was not a real man in that sense. This was always the wall he’d felt between himself and other guys back in Catholic school. Here at Jamnia High too. There had been a tacit assumption that he shouldn’t be cared for too much or care about anything too much because, well, he was a guy, and guys are simple and laid back about stuff. Only Vaughan knew just how neurotic Mackenzie was, and Mackenzie did not feel like sharing his neurosis with even Vaughan this morning.
They were almost late for history, and Mackenzie nearly swore when he saw Roy Cane.
“Hey, guys,” Roy stopped himself on his way down the hall toward English.
“Roy,” Mackenzie said, and Vaughan could tell that in the glare of the light off the side entrance of the school, his friend had momentarily mistaken Roy for Ian.
“Have you seen Ian?” Vaughan said to save his friend face.
Roy looked toward both of them, then said, “We came to school together.”
“Alright,” Vaughan was still speaking. “I just wanted to know. I ah- my cousin wants to know when you’re free?”
“What?”
“We’ll talk later,” Vaughan said.
“Rachel?”
“The one you like,” Vaughan said. “The one in your gym class.”
Roy nodded. “Yeah.”
“We’ll talk at lunch. About stuff. You gotta go to class.”
“Yeah,” Roy said. And then, “But I might not be at lunch.”
“Huh?”
“Our uh... My Mom might be taking us out. You know,” Roy said. “She does that sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Vaughan said.
Mackenzie was strangely silent. Vaughan felt himself doing the old trick of hiding himself from a person who was hiding himself from him, this time Roy. And then adding to the emotional rhombus, he hid his intentions from Mackenzie, who was hiding his thoughts from him and Roy. He hoped he was pulling this off.
“Well, I’ll talk to Rachel for you. If you want me to.”
“That’d be cool,” Roy forced a smile. It was, Vaughan noted the same smile all white guys forced on themselves when they were trying to hide something from each other. Only Vaughan wasn’t white. And he wasn’t stupid.
They got to geography. Vaughan waited precisely until the time he always left. Nothing strange in skipping out on class. And because it would have been strange not to notice his best friend acting ordinary, Vaughan passed Mackenzie a note.
The other boy, chewing on the eraser of his pencil, his only really nasty habit, picked up the note, distracted, and began unfolding it.

I KNOW YOU’RE PRETENDING NOT TO BE WORRIED. DON’T WORRY.

But by the time Mackenzie read it, Vaughan was out the door.

Vaughan was already down the main corridor and winding his way through the older part of the high school to Mr. Beauclair’s room. Make a note: Beauclair is a stupid name for a French teacher.
When he came to it, the door was shut the way he needed it to be. He looked through its narrow glass window to see Ian. Ian was in the third row, nodding off, and did not notice him. This would mean having to stick his head in the window several times while dodging Beauclair. Shaun Fennigan and Meg Thomas noticed him. A couple of times Mr. Beauclair turned toward the door, and then Vaughan had to duck his head to avoid being seen. Finally, Jaime Tolliver noticed him, and Vaughan mouthed: “Get Ian.”
There followed a Byzantine note passing scheme that lasted about a minute, and required Vaughan to keep on ducking out of view.
Someone beside Ian—who hadn’t shaved and looked like crap—poked him, and Ian stirred, took the note, and then, eyes widening, looked toward the window in surprise.
Vaughan nodded and mouthed, “Come here.” And then left the window.
A few seconds later, Ian was out the door.
“What’s up?”
“Exactly,” Vaughan hissed trying to be quiet. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know what you- ” Ian started to lie, and then seeing Vaughan’s face, sighed and caught the smaller boy by the wrist. “Com’onto the porch,” he said.

“Are you stupid?” Vaughan demanded, throwing the half smoked cigarette away.
Ian looked irked, like he was explaining something important to a little kid.
“It’s best this way. He’ll forget it. I think it was all silly.”
“A few days ago you had us all being the three goddamned Muskateers and shit, and now you’re telling me it was all a mistake. It was some,” Vaughan waved his hand around, “illusion. How do you think Mackenzie will react?”
“I just told you, Vaughan. He’ll get over it.”
“I think you’re underestimating your impact, my friend,” Vaughan said, a little testily. “No, I think you’re underestimating Mackenzie if you think he’d just forget something like that. My God he lost his virginity to you.”
“He did not. It wasn’t even real sex.”
“Says your dad.”
“Says the whole world,” Ian snapped. “Now, this is hard enough for me already.”
Vaughan went up a few steps to stand over Ian.
“It isn’t hard enough. Hard? You know how hard all of this was for me? Mackenzie is my oldest friend in the whole world. I don’t know anyone better except my sister and.… myself. And I find out in one year he’s been dreaming of boys, and then that he’s been dreaming of you, and then that the two of you are sharing a bed and carrying on together. I get my name dragged through the mud- ”
“I know- ”
“No, you don’t! And don’t you talk while I’m talking.”
Ian looked sufficiently cowed, and nodded his head.
“And now you come out with this crazy bullshit about how it was fake. It was all a game. I can’t believe you! I thought it would take more than your idiot father to make you take back everything you’d ever said and felt.”
“Are you finished?” Ian said.
“Yes.”
“Do you wanna hit me, Vaughan? Go on ahead. Do you wanna punch me in the gut? Cause I deserve it.” Ian stood up suddenly. “Hit me. I swear I won’t hit back. Hit me!”
“Is this how you solve everything?”
“Hit me!” Ian bellowed.
“God, Cane, get it together. I don’t want to hit you. I want you to wake up. I thought... I thought that no matter what I had grown up believing, love was what mattered, and that what you had for my friend was love.”
Suddenly Ian dropped his arms, and said, “That is not fair.”
“It’s exactly fair.”
Suddenly Ian shoved Vaughan, hard.
“What do you know?” he said. “Whaddo you know? You’re so goddamned self righteous. Whaddo you know?”
Above them the glass doors had opened, and Tina and Luke were coming out. Ian looked up at them, and he hissed at Vaughan, “My friend, my friend, my friend! Well let me tell you, Vaughan, I shared a bed with him, I shared a room. We slept together. I know what his body tastes like. I’ve been in him for Crissakes, and if you think I don’t love him, you’re an idiot. More an idiot than you think I am. I’m doing this because I love him. Please don’t talk.” Ian cut him off. “This meeting is adjourned.”
Ian turned around, and headed for the parking lot.
“Where are you going?” Tina shouted. Vaughan sat down on the bottom of the steps.
Ian kept walking toward his car.
“Where is he going?” Tina said, sitting down beside Vaughan.
Vaughan shrugged, because he wondered if maybe he hadn’t been the idiot after all.
“I don’t know,” Vaughan said. “But he left all his books in Mr. Beauclair’s class.”


Vaughan was yawning through Latin, and writing, halfheartedly,

amo
amor
amatus

.... and forgetting why he was writing this down when Brian Pavler passed him a note, which startled him to consciousness because Brian Pavler never passed him anything but dirty looks.
Vaughan opened it up, and looked out the window to see Ian’s face.
“Come here,” Ian mouthed.
Vaughan’s heart caught in his throat because he didn’t want another fight with Ian. The first one had shaken him too much. Still, Ian didn’t look like he was going to kill anybody, so Vaughan raised his hand and asked if he might be excused.
Mr. Shandy, a man with a too large beard that smelled of spit and tobacco rolled his eyes and, with an elaborate gesture, signaled for Vaughan to leave.
Ian practically sprang out from the locker he’d been waiting behind, and said, “I need to talk to you. Can we go out on the porch?”
Vaughan nodded, but Ian was talking rapidly as they moved to the porch.
“Vaughan, I hated what happened this morning.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I don’t ever want to fight with you again.”
They reached the porch, Ian offered Vaughan a cigarette, and Vaughan shook his head.
“I don’t ever want us to fight again either.”
“It’s just I’m scared,” Ian turned around and told him. “I’m so scared, and I want to do what’s right. Not what’s easy. That’s not me. I do love him. Mackenzie. And I haven’t seen him the whole day because I don’t know what to do. I want to do what’s best for both of us. But him more. And I was scared for me this morning. When we were fighting.”
Ian sat down on the flat steps, and Vaughan sat beside him.
“See, before I met you guys I didn’t have any friends. Not really, and I was afraid this morning that if I did break it off, then you would hate me. Then you wouldn’t be my friend anymore.”
Vaughan said, “I just thought I was part of the package.”
“Vaughan!” Ian said, sounding a little ticked off. “Whose house have I been staying at? Who did I come to when Mr. Foster threw me out?”
Vaughan said nothing.
“For someone who’s so smart you can be so goddamned stupid. I... was scared that if something ever happened with me and Mackenzie, you would just take his side and hate me.”
“I really didn’t think I mattered to you like that.”
“Well you do,” Ian said.
“I promise you,” Vaughan said. “Whatever happens we’re still friends. Alright? It’s just... Mackenzie’s my friend, and I don’t want anyone hurting him. But I don’t want anyone hurting you either. Least of all me.”
“I’m sorry for hitting you this morning. You should have hit me back.”
Vaughan waved it off. “It was just a shove.”
“I was wrong. I was out of line. I was- ”
“Scared.”
Ian nodded.
“I drove around just feeling like shit. Not knowing what to do. But the one thing I knew was that I had to patch stuff up with you.”
Vaughan sighed heavily, and then said, “I wish I could tell you what to do.”
“You already have told me what to do,” Ian said, gloomily.
“Well, then I wish you’d believe me. You need a little bit more than your dad. Fuck that,” Vaughan said quickly. “You need to talk to Mackenzie about this.”
“About what?”
They both looked up to the head of the stairs and saw something that never happened.
Mackenzie had cut class to come to the smoking porch.

MORE TOMORROW

 

[CharmedFan28]

Ian is one mixed up individual at the moment. I don't know what is going to happen with Mackenzie but I look forward to finding out. I hope for the best. Great writing and I look forward to more tomorrow!

 

[ChrisGibson]

Ian is thoroughly mixed up. As usualy, Vaughan is brilliant. But what will happen to Mackenzie? How will all of our friends handle what will transpire in the next few pages, and will we get back on track? Or is this the new track? Ah, we will have to wait and see.

 

[ChrisGibson]

Vaughan Fitzgerald had the not totally comfortable feeling of being torn in two, slowly, as he walked home from school between the silent Ian and the silent Mackenzie.
“I was just saying,” Ian finally said as they got to the porch, “that maybe we should think this ou-”
“I heard- ”Mackenzie cut him off, “what you said the first time.”
Ian cleared his throat, and was about to speak, when Mackenzie went on, not lifting his voice.
“Sometimes, Ian Cane, I get so sick of you.”
They had reached the porch steps.
“You and your brooding and your moping around. If I make you that miserable, then why the hell are you here? Why didn’t you come into the house that night when my father tried to throw you out? Why did you just run off? Why didn’t you call last night when you got back? Why didn’t you take things up with me instead of Vaughan?”
“Mackenzie, I don’t know,” Ian pronounced each word carefully.
“I don’t know either,” Mackenzie said.
“Please, take it easy.”
Wisely, Vaughan had chosen to say nothing. He just sat on the porch between his two friends who stood over him.
“You come to me telling me you want to break off everything, but you say take it easy?”
“Listen to you, Kenzie! Jesus! You sound like my wife.”
Mackenzie cocked his head, and looked dangerous for a moment. Ian caught his breath.
“You said you’d never call me your girlfriend,” Mackenzie reminded him.
“Then why don’t you stop acting like one?” Ian’s voice was full of disgust. He had turned away, but now he turned back to Mackenzie, heat in his voice.
“You know, it’s not a lot of guys who would handle their friends telling them they’re in love with them as well as I did.”
“It’s not a lot of allegedly straight guys who would French their friends five minutes after learning it either. I want you to remember that it was you who kissed me. Unless you forgot.”
“Good because it was you who wanted to fuck me first.”
“Fuck you!” Mackenzie snapped.
Vaughan got up, and went into the house.
Ian and Mackenzie stopped.
“I’m going inside,” said Mackenzie
“I’m going home.”
“What?” Mackenzie stopped, looking puzzled.
“I’m going to my house,” Ian said. “I need to be there.”
Ian was heading down the steps.
“Ian,” Mackenzie went down and caught his arm. “I know we fought. I’m sorry about- ”
But Ian shook his arm away and sounded sick. He said, “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry it’s too much. God, I’m hardly seventeen. It’s too much. I’m sorry I can’t be... the man you need. I’m sorry if I misled you. I need to go home right now.”
Mackenzie sighed. He opened his mouth to take back his words.
“All that I said about you not calling and- ”
Ian put a hand up. “You were right.
“And this is awful.”
Ian looked around as if it were the bushes that were awful. “It’s all kind of a mess right now. I need to go home.”
“Are we still together?” Mackenzie said. But he didn’t look at Ian. He looked at the pavement.
“I don’t know,” Ian told him. And then, turning around quickly, he left the yard.

Vaughan tried not to look up when Mackenzie came into the BBC- arium.
“Vaughan, I’m really sorry for outside. Going crazy and everything. But this day has just been crazy.”
“You’re really white right now. I mean you’re almost green,” Vaughan said.
“Yeah,” Mackenzie was shaking. He collapsed in the couch beside his friend. “Well, Ian just headed home. Not here. He said- we said we don’t know if we’re still- ”
Suddenly Mackenzie stopped talking, and then just sighed and said, “Shit! He’s right. This is too much!”
Mackenzie pushed his hands through his hair, and then got up and bolted for the bathroom. Vaughan did not follow him. For a long time Vaughan sat in the room waiting for his friend to return. When, at last, he did, Mackenzie’s face was pale and wet.
He sat down beside Vaughan who gave him a quick hug.
“I feel like shit right now,” said Mackenzie. “How about you?”
“Like my parents just got a divorce.”

VAUGHAN DECIDED THAT THE BEST TACTIC BY FAR was to tell everyone everything.
“Well,” Tina said, at last, “I know Mackenzie would approve of this when I say that we can’t just not talk to Ian. That’s not right. I mean, I don’t think I ever thought Derrick Todd was cool until after he broke up with my sister. And while Mackenzie’s my favorite sibling, and Lindsay’s a selfish bitch, it’s kind of the same principle.”
They were all sitting in the Fitzgerald kitchen while Mackenzie slept off his sadness in Vaughan’s room.
“I just like the guy,” Luke said. “I just... never had to think about people being gay until now. But it makes me sad... Them not together and everything.”
Madeleine only nodded. Rodder opened his mouth to say something, and then shrugged.
“What?” Madeleine said.
“I wanted to say something deep,” Rodder said. “But this shit sucks.”
“Tina, will you do me a favor and run me to your house,” Vaughan asked her. “So I can get Mackenzie’s phone directory?”
“Sure,” she said, not asking what he wanted it for. “You’ve got another plot I suppose?”
Vaughan nodded.
“You never give up, do you, Baby Brother?” Madeleine said.
Vaughan scratched his head, which felt like a Brillo pad and needed to be trimmed.
“I try not to.”

SIMON PENDERGAST WAS SITTING IN HIS underwear and smoking a Marlboro as he planned out the next year of his life, singing along to a new CD when the phone rang.
He picked it up quickly because it was late, and his parents were asleep.
“Drew?” he said.
“No,” said the measured voice on the other end of the phone. “Is this Simon Pendergast?”
“Speaking,” Simon said. “Can I help you?”
“I hope you can. You won’t know me, but my name is Vaughan Fitzgerald- ”
“Holy shit!”
“What?”
“You’re Kenzie and Ian’s friend. You’re like their personal Jesus. What’s up, man? I feel like I already know you.”
For the second time that day, Vaughan was surprised to be loved so much.
“I hope I didn’t disturb you,” Vaughan said.
“No,” Simon sat up in his chair, and crushed his cigarette out. “I was just sitting here listening to the new Natalie Merchant CD. I’ve heard it so many times I’m starting to actually know what she’s saying. So what’s going down in Jamnia?” Simon asked Vaughan.
“Nothing good, I don’t think,” Vaughan said. “As Princess Leia said to Obi Wan Kenobi, ‘You are our only hope.’”

WE WILL RETURN TO JAMNIA IN A FEW DAYS

 

[CharmedFan28]

Wow lots going on! Poor Mackenzie. I hope Ian comes to his senses and comes back to him but who knows what will happen. Great writing and I look forward to more in a few days!

 

[ChrisGibson]

Ah, yes. We've left things on a low note, and we shall remain here for a few days until we come back to our story. Tonight, something else.

 

[ChrisGibson]

AS WE RETURN TO JAMNIA, VAUGHAN BRINGS IN OUTSIDE HELP, MICK RAFFERTY DOES SOMETHING VERY FOOLISH BEFORE THINKING OF DOING SOMETHING VERY GOOD, ON CRAWFORD STREET EVERYONE HAS A SERIOUS TALK ABOUT GOD. GEORGE STEARNE SMILES.


VAUGHAN DECIDED THAT THE BEST TACTIC BY FAR was to tell everyone everything.
“Well,” Tina said, at last, “I know Mackenzie would approve of this when I say that we can’t just not talk to Ian. That’s not right. I mean, I don’t think I ever thought Derrick Todd was cool until after he broke up with my sister. And while Mackenzie’s my favorite sibling, and Lindsay’s a selfish bitch, it’s kind of the same principle.”
They were all sitting in the Fitzgerald kitchen while Mackenzie slept off his sadness in Vaughan’s room.
“I just like the guy,” Luke said. “I just... never had to think about people being gay until now. But it makes me sad... Them not together and everything.”
Madeleine only nodded. Rodder opened his mouth to say something, and then shrugged.
“What?” Madeleine said.
“I wanted to say something deep,” Rodder said. “But this shit sucks.”
“Tina, will you do me a favor and run me to your house,” Vaughan asked her. “So I can get Mackenzie’s phone directory?”
“Sure,” she said, not asking what he wanted it for. “You’ve got another plot I suppose?”
Vaughan nodded.
“You never give up, do you, Baby Brother?” Madeleine said.
Vaughan scratched his head, which felt like a Brillo pad and needed to be trimmed.
“I try not to.”

SIMON PENDERGAST WAS SITTING IN HIS underwear and smoking a Marlboro as he planned out the next year of his life, singing along to a new CD when the phone rang.
He picked it up quickly because it was late, and his parents were asleep.
“Drew?” he said.
“No,” said the measured voice on the other end of the phone. “Is this Simon Pendergast?”
“Speaking,” Simon said. “Can I help you?”
“I hope you can. You won’t know me, but my name is Vaughan Fitzgerald- ”
“Holy shit!”
“What?”
“You’re Kenzie and Ian’s friend. You’re like their personal Jesus. What’s up, man? I feel like I already know you.”
For the second time that day, Vaughan was surprised to be loved so much.
“I hope I didn’t disturb you,” Vaughan said.
“No,” Simon sat up in his chair, and crushed his cigarette out. “I was just sitting here listening to the new Natalie Merchant CD. I’ve heard it so many times I’m starting to actually know what she’s saying. So what’s going down in Jamnia?” Simon asked Vaughan.
“Nothing good, I don’t think,” Vaughan said. “As Princess Leia said to Obi Wan Kenobi, ‘You are our only hope.’”

i i i
Tina was surprised to hear laughter coming from the kitchen when she came home that day, and laughter which she could readily identify as belonging to Lindsay. This was process of elimination because it was a new laugh, and of all the women in the house, it was Lindsay who had always been known to have never had a sense of humor.
“Oh, God, Tina!” she said, slapping her knee as Tina looked at the two guys, both sort of cute, one in worn out jeans with thin, marmalade colored hair, the other with thick, reddish brown curls, and blue eyes. “These guys are cracking me up! This is Simon, and this is his friend Drew.”
Tina put down her book bag, and swept her black hair out of her face.
“Drew is just simply wild!” Lindsay said, tossing her hair, and squeezing the young man’s bicep. She rolled her eyes at Simon, “We met them at the band trip in Florida. How often do such good looking boys travel together?”
“Only when they’re gay lovers I suppose,” Tina shrugged, and took her Lucky Strikes from the side pocket of her leather jacket only too happy to burst her sister’s bubble.
Lindsay immediately let go of Drew’s bicep. She looked at Simon with a raised eyebrow.
“I mean,” Tina took a drag and blew out smoke, “You guys are here to see my brother, right?”
Simon stood up, and reached across the table. “You must be Tina!”
“Well, shit, someone’s gotta be.” She offered her hand first to Drew because he was closer, and then Simon.
Lindsay just kept looking at them all in disbelief as Simon asked for a Lucky Strike.
“I wasn’t kidding,” Tina said to Lindsay. “They are lovers. Or were you guys trying to keep it under raps?”
Drew, who usually didn’t talk unless he had to, said, “We were trying to be discreet.”
“I think I’m going upstairs now,” Lindsay said with a sigh.
“She’s homophobic?” Simon said, lighting the cigarette.
“She’s life-a-phobic.”
“Oh, God,” Simon gagged on the cigarette. “This shit is... You don’t fuck around do you?” Then he took another appreciative drag and grinned. “You really don’t fuck around!”
“She’s a bitch,” Drew said, still on the subject of Lindsay. “At least, that’s what Mackenzie and Ian led us to believe.”
“So ironic that you all would show up now,” Tina said.
“Not really,” said Simon. “Vaughan called last night.”
Tina seemed to remember something, and said, “That’s right, now. Vaughan did want Mackenzie’s directory, didn’t he?””
“He’s cool,” said Simon.
“Yeah. Yes he is. Can I get you guys something to drink? Eat? I bet Lindsay didn’t offer you anything. How far away do you all live?” Tina answered all of her questions, filling glasses with ice, pulling lemonade out of the refrigerator, and saying, “Lassador’s about three hours away, right?”
Simon nodded, and came up to take the glasses, “Right.”
“You all skipped school to come here, didn’t you?”
“You can go to school anytime. You can’t help your friends out everyday, now can you?” Simon smiled, and took the lemonades back to the table.
“I’ll pop microwave popcorn,” Tina said, opening the cabinet.
“Besides,” Simon Pendergast went on. “I’ve only got a couple of months of school left. He’s got a full year,” he gestured to Drew.
“And then college?” Tina assumed.
“I guess,” Simon said. “I don’t want to go, though. Isn’t that messed up? I don’t want to go. Don’t know where to go, and I’m supposed to want to be free of Lassador. I’ve decided—we’ve decided—to just get an apartment. I think I’ll go to the little community college, and Drew can just stay with me whenever he wants to.”
“Then we’ll go to school together,” Drew decided. “Cause I got ideas even if Simon doesn’t. I wanna go to Saint Clare’s.”
“Up in Rhodes? My grandma went. My godfather too.”
“I think the popcorn’s done,” Simon said.
“Oh, shit.”
“Relax!” Simon grinned a slow smile that made Tina relax. Tina was opening up the microwave. “I just always listen, and if it goes for more than ten seconds without a new kernel popping, then I assume it’s done. Old trick. Never fails.”
Tina held her face away from the bag, and opened it up. The steam gushed out and she said, “I’ll get us a bowl, and then we’ll decide what to do with Ian and Mackenzie. Out of curiosity, how long have you guys been together?”
“Since I was a Freshmen,” Drew said.
“And the moral of that story is- ” Simon raised a finger.
Tina dumped the popcorn into a bowl, and asked, “Should I melt some butter? Okay. What is the moral of the story?”
Simon looked over at Drew, and then said, “I don’t know. But people always want to give a moral so I was just saying...”
Drew cocked his head at Simon, and then reached into the bowl. Before popping the popcorn in his mouth he muttered, “You are so random sometimes.”

“Yes, yes,” George Stearne said, getting excited on the other end of the phone. “That’s exactly right! Yes, I actually think something like that would be great for her.... Yeah,” in his apartment Stearne twisted the phone cord around his index finger, “As a teacher you don’t always get to be as helpful as you want to be... You know? Or you just don’t matter. Or students just don’t care. But every once in a while a student comes along who you want to help. Who wants to be helped. Yes... Thank you. I’ll have her call as soon as I see her. You have a wonderful day today, too.”
George Stearne hung up the phone and went to the mirror to look at himself and laugh.
“My God, you actually look like you’re only twenty-four today,” he told himself. “And you’re smiling.” He frowned quickly, and pushed his glasses up his nose. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I should try it more often.”


“Uh! Uh! Uh!”
Mick looked behind him, and then pushed his hand over Ashley’s mouth.
“You gotta stay- ” but his own pleasure cut him off for a second. “You gotta stay quiet.”
They were in the stock room of the English department. Mick had procured the key from Mrs. DeFalco, and in the corner under a frosted window, he had Ashley on an old shelf, her panties around her knees, his trousers and boxers around his ankles, her hands under the waist of his blue blazer, caressing his ass. He bit his lip and set to. They were both moving quickly and violently. He pulled his hand from her mouth long enough to be satisfied by her crying out like she was in pain. It made him fuck harder, and then twist, and stand on his tiptoes while he came.
They both gasped and panted as they separated, Mick turning away to pull the condom off of his penis.
“You’re still dripping,” Ashley pointed out.
“At least not in you.” His pants were still down. He looked like some obscene Playgirl, Teachers Edition model, white shirt and tie, blue blazer, his penis hard and dripping the remnants of come.
Quick as anything Ashley reached into her purse for some Kleenex, spat on it, and wiped off his penis. He pulled up his pants.
“I don’t know why you wanted to do it here,” Mick Rafferty said.
“The thrill,” Ashley told him. “I know you don’t like mixing business and pleasure... but I think it’s fun.”
They both jumped up as someone attempted to open the door. Whoever it was jiggled it for a few seconds before walking away, swearing.
“Thank God you locked it,” Ashley told Mick Rafferty.

Mick needed to refill his tank anyway, and when he saw Luke Madeary in the window, he decided to stop into the gas station.
“I wasn’t sure if it was you or not,” Mick told him, coming inside of the convenience store to pay. “Then I remembered you saying you worked here.”
“Yeah. How are things, Mr. Rafferty?”
“Good. And you?”
“That’ll be eight-forty-nine,” Luke interrupted his chatter. “Alright, I guess.”
“What are your big plans for next year?”
Luke grinned, raised an eyebrow, and pointed to the cash register.
“Cha Ching!” he said.

“YOU COME ALL THIS WAY,” said Vaughan, “and all I can provide is pizza.”
Drew and Simon looked at each other, and then fell into fits.
“I love these guys,” Tina said. The back door opened, and Luke came in through the kitchen.
“You didn’t have to provide us with anything. I love this guy!” Simon got up and kissed Vaughan.
“That was probably out of line.”
“No, no,” Vaughan shook his head. “I’m getting used to being kissed and fondled by homosexuals. Luke, this is Simon Pendergast. And here is Drew Marsh. Mackenzie’s friends.”
Luke shook hands with them, and Simon said, “Vaughan was telling us how he’s been getting fondled by gay men all year.”
“I have never fondled Vaughan,” Mackenzie stated, mock serious.
“Maybe you should switch sides, and join the queers,” Drew suggested.
Mackenzie said, “Vaughan’s already got a side. He’s a monk.”
“Not really,” Vaughan said, embarrassment burning his face.
“But he will be,” Mackenzie went on. “He almost lives at the monastery, and he’s always praying and everything. He’s like the real deal.”
“Stop,” Vaughan said.
“No, I mean it,” Mackenzie said. “He’s been like the one to help me through all this shit. You and Tina. The two of you are the real deal.”
Tina seemed unaffected by her brother’s praise.
“Remember,” Drew said, “in Florida when we were talking about God and all that? And you said that if Vaughan was here he’d make sense of stuff?”
“You did?” Vaughan looked at his friend.
“Yeah,” Mackenzie nodded to Drew, not hearing Vaughan.
“Well,” Drew turned to Vaughan. “Is there a God?”
“What?” Vaughan looked panicked.
“I think I’ll get up and make some coffee,” Tina said. “I think you’ll need it.” She patted Vaughan on the back.
“You can’t really prove that,” Luke said. “I mean people go to church ‘cause they hope there’s a God. You don’t really know about God. You can’t know that.”
“Why not?” Vaughan’s voice surprised him.
“Because God’s God, and he doesn’t just run around striking up conversations.”
“But he did in the Bible,” Drew said. “Right, didn’t he?”
“Yeah,” said Vaughan.
“Then why did he stop? I mean, does it really say in the Bible that gay people are going to hell?”
“I don’t think it says anything about gay people at all,” Vaughan said.
“Then where’d they’d get it from?”
“You gotta pardon Drew,” Simon said. “He’s,” then Simon grinned. “I forgot... you’re all Catholic.”
“And you don’t care?” Drew said to Simon. “You really think you’re too smart for God and religion and it all doesn’t matter?”
“Drew, we came down here for Ian and Mackenzie. Not this. Neither one of us really goes to church, and we wouldn’t be accepted at yours or mine, so why even argue about God?”
Drew sighed and said, “It’s just that… I like to talk about stuff like that. I like to have stuff to talk about, and you never want to say anything about... Stuff. And if Vaughan’s gonna talk, well then I’ll listen.”
Simon shrugged and said, “I just think it’s all garbage.” He caught himself, and said to all of them, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just mean you can get by without it. It gets in the way of stuff. You know?”
“Then you’re an atheist?” Vaughan said, taking sudden interest.
“Well,” Simon scratched his head. “No, I’m not an atheist. I don’t know. It’s like, I don’t know who’s right... Or if anyone is right. But atheists... They just say that there’s nothing. Right? I mean they say that everyone’s wrong. Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, people who worship Mr. Potato Head... Everyone is wrong. They don’t see God, and so nothing’s there. I mean, what’s God supposed to be? I don’t know. If he’s like some guy floating around in the sky, blasting people down, if he’s like what I hear about at church or... if he’s even a he. I don’t believe that. I can’t. I’m sorry.
“But, sometimes I want to walk into a church, or like, once I took Drew to a museum and we saw these old idols and I thought... these people, they touched something. You know? And sometimes, Drew might stay the night, and I’ll wake up, and he’ll be asleep right beside me. On a Saturday. Or maybe I’ll be riding my bike or smoking a cigarette or just sitting around and all of a sudden it’s like, life hits me.
“It’s like all of a sudden I know there’s something. And it’s all around me. It’s in me. And it’s like for a little second I know that stuff is going to be cool, and things are good, and I guess that’s when I can’t believe in people who can’t believe in God.”
Simon had addressed the whole exchange to Vaughan, who was nodding the whole time.
In amazement, Drew said, “That is more than you have ever ever said to me on the subject.”

MORE TOMORROW

 

[CharmedFan28]

Simon and Drew seem like cool guys, I hope they can help Ian see his situation in a different light. The talk about God was interesting. I am enjoying getting back to this story and I look forward to more tomorrow!

 

[ChrisGibson]

Iit is good to get back to these people, sort of like going home. I hope you have as good of a week as I plan on having. BTW, on a less diving noted: how do we feel about Mick and Ashley and the stockroom?