The Truth About Gay Asians...an Article

[altlover85]

I did a google search and a gay asian dating website came up, but I don't know if it's real or not and as I'm single and not Asian, I'm not going to register to find out.

 

[altlover85]

This thread, depressing as it is, makes me think about something:

I've always had some kind of physical preference for guys outside of my own race (white). Darker skin pigmentations just seem to do it for me. *shrug* But I've certainly never fetishized anyone, nor would I.

I've expressed this preference on dating/hook-up sites.

To the guys who are regularly fetishized: If you saw someone on one of these sites who stated such a preference, would you be inclined to believe that they're "one of those people"? Would you think they might be the sleazy type, or would you give them the benefit of the doubt?

While I never saw it on his profile (at least I don't think I did) my bf did mention when we first chatted that he liked dark hair and dark eyes. It wasn't a big deal to me and actually I was flattered.

It really depends on the conversation and what you ask me and how you act when we meet.

 

[BrownBoi89]

It's weird. Here in Vancouver since East and Southeast Asians make up the largest racial groups they are probably the most desired guys after White guys. You'll see a lot of E/SE Asian guys with other E/SE Asian guys as well as with White guys. At least that's what I've noticed whenever I've gone out. But yeah they're definitely not at the bottom of the dating hierarchy (if there is one) in this city. Ha ha don't ask me who I think is.

 

[electricflame]

To the guys who are regularly fetishized: If you saw someone on one of these sites who stated such a preference, would you be inclined to believe that they're "one of those people"? Would you think they might be the sleazy type, or would you give them the benefit of the doubt?

Absolutely I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. As I said in my post, my problem is with my local one-night-stands. Any long term relationships have faired much better...which I assume is why I was able to enter into relationships with those guys...because they didn't fetishize me and all of my same-race peers. And truth be told, I think a lot of us will take whatever attention we can get.

Are there any internet resources for Asians seeking Asians? A way to maybe reject all the nonsense out there?

I'm not sure. Dowenlink.com is kind of like that I think. But I'm not looking for an Asian. Or a white guy. Or a black guy. This may be unrealistic, but I want to go to a dating website and feel...equal with everybody. Every group is marginalized somehow, but I feel like I'm literally excluded almost entirely from the entire game on those sites.

It's weird. Here in Vancouver since East and Southeast Asians make up the largest racial groups they are probably the most desired guys after White guys. You'll see a lot of E/SE Asian guys with other E/SE Asian guys as well as with White guys. At least that's what I've noticed whenever I've gone out. But yeah they're definitely not at the bottom of the dating hierarchy (if there is one) in this city. Ha ha don't ask me who I think is.

To be quite honest with you, Vancouver is the one city which I feel very, very desireable. People turn their heads at me...something I'm not very used to where I come from. The only downside? For some reason I've had a lot of experiences with the fetishy guys there. I didn't think that would be since there were just so many Asians, we weren't quite a minority enough to be fetishized. But I was wrong

 

[electricflame]

^ damn. just one more reason to move to Canada.

I live in Canada Trust me Alberta and BC...VERY different mentality

 

[BrownBoi89]

To be quite honest with you, Vancouver is the one city which I feel very, very desireable. People turn their heads at me...something I'm not very used to where I come from. The only downside? For some reason I've had a lot of experiences with the fetishy guys there. I didn't think that would be since there were just so many Asians, we weren't quite a minority enough to be fetishized. But I was wrong

Where are you from? I'm sorry if you felt like a fetish here.

To be honest, here in Vancouver, I am kind of jealous of E/SE Asian guys. At least they're getting some attention. It's times like these that I wish I lived somewhere else.

 

[electricflame]

I'm from Calgary.
What is your background?

 

[BrownBoi89]

I'm from Calgary.
What is your background?

Ya I've been to Calgary a couple times but I am not sure what the scene is like or anything since I was like not out the times I went. Can't even remember if I was old enough to drink lol.

And I'm Indo-Canadian.

 

[hylas]

yeah, the experiences and thoughts expressed in that article are depressingly familiar to me. i have to admit, im quite the potato queen myself, always have been since i was a wee kid. i think in my case its more media conditioning than self-loathing, since i really dont feel bad about my ethnicity and cultural background.

i try to keep my mind open towards men of all ethnicities. the 'success' is rather limited, its quite hard to overcome that kind of conditioning. but i also try to relax about the whole issue a little. so yeah, if im mostly into caucasians, and my dating options are therefore limited, so be it. i certainly wouldnt settle for 'less'.

im also not bothered by men who have a clear prefernce for asians (or 'dark skin'), as long as they express it respectfully. just be a little sensitive and tactful about it, and youre good with me.

 

[hylas]

To be quite honest with you, Vancouver is the one city which I feel very, very desireable. People turn their heads at me...something I'm not very used to where I come from. The only downside? For some reason I've had a lot of experiences with the fetishy guys there. I didn't think that would be since there were just so many Asians, we weren't quite a minority enough to be fetishized. But I was wrong

the european equivalent would be stockholm (or perhaps all of sweden, i wouldnt know, ive only been to stockholm). for some reason, they seem to love asians there... not helsinki, not kopenhagen, just stockholm. (havent been to oslo)

 

[FunFunk]

Wow.

There are so many things I want to say about this.



This almost made me tear up. I hate the fact that the mainstream media glorifies only the hyper masculine White male. It really makes me angry. Especially when it happens at such a young age. I'd like to think that if I had children, I'd be able to raise them to love themselves, but how do you stop the prejudiced media from getting into their heads without policing everything they do?

As a Black man, I see so many other Black men who dismiss the idea of me just on the basis of being Black, and the source of it is so readily obvious, even though very few would take the time to confront themselves and their conditioning the way the writer of this article has. Kudos to him for doing this. I'm very happy for him. It's not an easy journey.

A constant watcher of internet porn, I came by a clip recently in which two Asian men were in an office, one helping the other at his desk and eventually drawing very close to the point where they kissed. The sad thing? Even though I was watching two men in what I knew was a porn clip, the kiss shocked me. It's like I expected a man of another race to step into the scene and make it a threesome.

I'd never seen two Asian guys in a romantic embrace. And given the amount of gay clubs I've been to in NYC, that's kind of crazy.



That right there? Everything that's wrong with the world.

Excellent observations indeed, especially about the media and its conditioning. And, yes it's very real in all sorts of ways.

Speaking of a lack of Asian pride in much of porn, how about the lack of African pride? Why is it that, in so much of the porn flicks that feature casts that are mainly or all Black, the models are portrayed as "thugs" or "from the street" or "downlow"? The same goes for many Latino porn movies. There's an obsession with portraying people of (these) colors in only very limited settings and genres. It's a reflection, of course, of the greater society and the standards of the mainstream media, but, like the mainstream media, it helps perpetuate stereotypes of such races. I don't necessarily object to the existence of these types of depictions, since there are indeed many people who live that way. But I do object to the fact that there aren't nearly as many examples of African Americans being depicted in other kinds of settings, circumstances and lifestyles unless interacting with a Caucasian. (I have no objection to interracial sex, either. In fact, I encourage it among all races, African-Caucasian; Caucasian-Asian; Asian-American Indian; American Indian-African; African-East Indian; East Indian-Caucasian; Caucasian-Latino; Latino-African; African-Middle Eastern; Middle Eastern-Asian... Well, you get the idea.)

And speaking of visibility, how often do you see, say, East Indian models in gay porn? We don't see that many Middle Eastern men or guys from the African continent either. Can't think of any porn films that feature American Indians or those from Guam either. In fact, I can't think of all that many mainstream shows that feature men (or women) from those particular stripes of the rainbow -- unless they're cast as terrorists or street thugs or tough guys or dimwits or similar roles.

And there are loads of good looking guys from all those regions of the world.

 

[FunFunk]

What bothers me is that the guys that FETISHIZE Asians just make us feel worse. Because there becomes TWO groups of people:

THE TYPE THAT WON'T DATE ASIANS. It doesn't matter how gorgeous my eyes might be, or those beautiful lips I might have, or whatever feature I could have, I'm the SAME AS ANY OTHER ASIAN. Just nameless and faceless...I could be 1000 lbs heavier and it would make NO difference WHATSOEVER.

THE TYPE THAT ONLY DATES ASIANS AND FETISHIZES US. It doesn't matter if my "gorgeous eyes" or "lucious lips" were suddenly...VERY different. If my nose were suddenly flattened, if I gained 50 lbs, if I my lips suddenly became deformed. I'd still be the EXACT SAME AS EVERY OTHER ASIAN and it would make NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER.

I'd like to feel that my eyes, or my nose, or my lips, or whatever feature, that are UNIQUE to me, actually make me DIFFERENT from BOTH my same-race / different-race peers, and people can look at my physical characteristics as being *MY* characteristics and ones that make me unique and attractive / unattractive, instead of just being a color that could have any face in the world and you'd still wanna exclude / screw me.

Besides, if a guy told a girl "I LOVE WOMEN!!! SO MUCH!! I WISH I COULD HAVE A WOMAN ANY DAY OF THE WEEK THE MORE THE BETTER OMG OMG OMG," the girl probably won't be very flattered by it as an individual.

Same goes for an Asian that hears "I LOVE ASIANS!!! SO MUCH!! I WISH I COULD HAVE AN ASIAN EVERY DAY THE MORE THE BETTER BLAH BLAH BLAH" -- just makes them feel that much less in the other person's eyes. THAT much more insigificant. How can that possibly be flattering to a person as an INDIVIDUAL?

The same fetishization and objectifying occurs regularly against African Americans as well and I absolutely loathe it. I definitely understand what you're saying. With guys of African descent the fixation if on the prospect of huge dick, large buns, large lips and superhuman strength. None of which is necessarily a bad feature, mind you, but this sort of objectifying is also quite dehumanizing. People focus so much on how body parts should look and how we should behave (be tough and thuggish) that they don't even notice the real person. It's infuriating, especially when you're trying to find a meaningful relationship (or even find a good job or a good home in a nice neighborhood).

 

[FunFunk]

This thread, depressing as it is, makes me think about something:

I've always had some kind of physical preference for guys outside of my own race (white). Darker skin pigmentations just seem to do it for me. *shrug* But I've certainly never fetishized anyone, nor would I.

I've expressed this preference on dating/hook-up sites.

To the guys who are regularly fetishized: If you saw someone on one of these sites who stated such a preference, would you be inclined to believe that they're "one of those people"? Would you think they might be the sleazy type, or would you give them the benefit of the doubt?

More and more I think that, perhaps, websites shouldn't even allow users the option to search profiles based on race. Users may still be able to determine a profiler's race from photos but maybe race shouldn't be an option in conducting searches on such websites.

 

[pat grimshaw]

…Users may still be able to determine a profiler's race from photos but maybe race shouldn't be an option in conducting searches on such websites.

let's ask everyone to wear blinkers and hobble skirts

 

[FunFunk]

Ummm...why?

Because it seems people use that option in websites against other people for the wrong reasons, as discussed earlier in this thread. The people may be driven by disgusting stereotypes that are repeatedly reinforced by the media or by their too-limited life experiences with other races. They may be using the option for dehumanizing objectification and fetishization of people based on race. And by using this option they miss out on potentially rewarding relationships just because they couldn't find the will (or they were just too lazy) to expand their horizons and consider people of other races. (That is, assuming the site in question is even good enough to make real and worthy connections of any kind no matter if race is involved or not -- most sites are very hit and miss in general.) That's why, for starters.

 

[pat grimshaw]

Dear Funfunk, that sounds like a scheme to protect 2% and annoy 98% of those concerned.

 

[maxpowr9]

There is also a phenomenon I like to call "whitewashing" which is basically the assimilation of other cultures to an "American one" (or WASP for Europeans or Australians). "Minorities" often feel the need to 'fit-in' by trying to emulate the social norms while at the same time, attempting to maintain their own cultural identity. Thank you International Studies class lol.

My Asian hag harped on me all the time while I was with my other BF that I needed an Asian (particularly Japanese) to understand me on all levels (I am a bit of a Japanophile).

Hell my inner political corrective-ness is driving to say that "Asian" is such a broad range that many would consider it insulting. That is like saying all "white people" or [insert predominately white country here] are the same.

 

[altlover85]

FunFunk, if I'm using the search engine to exclude races, I'll just skip over the guys that don't look like whatever race I don't want to see. I don't really see how your idea would change that.

Am I missing something?

 

[NineOfClubs]

As one who used to pursue asian men and now has almost a distaste for them, I don't know how to respond.

Not sure I was "racist" before. Or that I'm "racist" now.

Anyway, we like what we like and we like it when we do...

 

[youngnihilist]

Here in LA many GAM are "sticky". There are of course some "rice queens" but I've encountered more "sticky" GAM than the opposite.