This 'gay' thing is ruining my life.

[recant]

Does life get easier if you are 'out of the closet?'

I find myself constantly tearing myself down tyring to figure out what exactly is happening here. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'm slowly trying to accept that I am gay and am having a really hard time letting go of all of my preconceived notions about gay people, stereotypes, what I want out of life. Now that I've let this idea into my head I have two sides of myself fighting for the number one spot and my sanity, my life, my grades, my happiness, are all taking the hits.

The one person I want to talk to about this lives hours away. He has always been there for me when I needed to hash something out and vice versa. I'm crushing on him hard and he is one of the reasons why I think I'm actually gay. I would definitely keep this out of the conversation unless he (by the grace of god) came out to me and told me he loved me or something (I can dream, can't I?). But he would be the person I would usually talk to about anything but I don't want to do this over the phone - I can't leave to visit. A million things race through my mind when I start to think about this and I can only think about it when I am stressed out of my mind (in school, and trying to not fail) and this is destroying my life. I honestly cannot think of a time in my life where I have felt this bad about myself, for myself, or in general. Is that a sign that I am wrong (please say yes)?

Why me? How do you not have your life, your perfectly woven web of halftruths not come crashing down and get ruined? How do you accept something of this magnitude? Why does this make me feel so bad about myself? I don't believe in God but if I did I would punch him square in the dick for this one.



Another thing that has been going through my mind alot is the idea that I will never find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. I always thought I was going to be married and have kids. Ok, if I'm gay that's not going to happen (well, not in the same way). If you are 'partnered,' do you consider your relationship to be equal to a married couple? Stereotype or what ever I just feel like I don't know a single gay couple that has been together for more than a few years? Hell, I don't know a lot of gay people but the ones I do know always seem unhappy and or single.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, Coming out is a process, you're over the first hurdle, you're not in denial.

I "came out" but it took time even after that before I'd worked through all my issues about being gay, so don't think that coming out is going to solve everything at once.

That said, half the weight you feel, you've correctly identified as the energy and emotion you spend maintaining your lie. And that is what it is, we lie to ourselves, we lie to others, and that takes it's toll. The first great relief you get from coming out is that weight off your shoulders. Think how nice it would be not to have to self censor all the damn time. As long as you're lying about being gay, you're taking blows to your self esteem. So start there, start with your one friend. It's hard to believe you're a stand up guy when you're deceiving people.

I went through the why me phase too, and I got really angry with the world, and everyone in it, I then proceeded to take my anger out on the world, and everyone in it, but what was really underlying that monumental sense of unfairness was the belief that being gay was wrong. I didn't want to be gay, because I knew it was abnormal and bad, and I was pissed off I had no choice.

It's easy to tell you that being gay is perfectly natural and always has been, it's harder for you I know, to accept that and believe it. I went through a phase where I couldn't even write the word, let alone apply it to myself, though intellectually I knew one thing, I couldn't emotionally accept it. The only cure for that is time. You will get through this, you start by being honest with yourself, then you be honest with everyone else. One step at a time, one person at a time. One day at a time.

Yes that's terrifying, but trust me on this, the first one's the hardest.

 

[spencer]

it sounds like crushing on a straight man (happens to the best of us) is more of a problem, being gay isn't causing you torment, your friend situation is.

it's time to approach men that you know are gay.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and you can always talk to us.

 

[recant]

I've been working on the straight crush thing. We hung out (before I realized, accepted, whatever, that I am probably gay) a while ago. I had never thought about a man as an option and in the days he was here it was the best thing ever. It scared me though, I'd never felt sexual tension with a guy before and I'm pretty sure he felt it too (wanted or not), haha. He's straight though and nothing has changed between us and I don't expect it to (or want it to unless, as I stated before he just so happend to be gay, and for me, haha).

Like I said - I'd usually talk to him about this type of shit. But I don't want to lose him as a friend. That would kill me. He's had some insight into the gay world due to his family and he still loves them - but I'm not family. It just scares the shit out of me thinking that I could potentially lose a close friend due to this. Not just him, any of my friends. It makes me wonder about who I keep as company, were my previous instincts about character wrong? Can I even make a judgment on somebody for not accepting me? Every aspect of this sucks. For every step forward I am presented with a million new paths and each path has a million questions to be answered before I go down it and it is consuming me from the inside out.

Keep in mind that just because you might have feelings for this one man doesn't make you gay. If you are attracted to men in general then you might be gay but only you know where your sexual desires lie.

This goes through my mind every minute of every day. I'm not sure, I don't know, I just need to figure it out before it kills me. He is the only guy I've ever felt anything for. He definitely is hot but I'm not sure if it's in the 'i wish I was like you,' way or the 'wow i'm down for sticking it in dudes butts for the rest of my life,' way. There have been a handfull of women who I've fallen for in this manner but this whole guy thing is f-ing with my head. I don't think I've been more out of the loop with myself in my entire life. Granted, I am on this forum - but I use forum's for everything. I don't know, I think I've lost my mind, this is scary as hell.

The other thing. I think I'm still in denial or something? I figured I'd hash it out with him, as I am doing here. I didn't just get this feeling randomly - there was eye contact and flirty type stuff and honestly, If he were gay I'd go for it. I know he isn't and therefor I question all these feelings. Can you really just randomly crush on somebody from the same sex if your straight? Is that normal?!?! - If your gay I guess it would be like wanting to get married to some chick and have kids, and if she was game you would 100% do it? Could you see yourself finding the right woman ever and wam bam, it's a done deal? This blows.

 

[tpabob]

Talking is important. If your school (or the community you currently live in) has a gay youth organization, I strongly suggest that you go there and discuss all these matters with someone there. Counselors at these places have gone through the same things you have and can be very helpful in walking you through your angst.
One a side note, I have friends that have been together for 25 years and more. Have a successful relation is all about conversation and compromise - and love.
Good luck!

 

[tallguy297]

First of all Recant... welcome to JUB!!! Its great to have you here and its great to see your post!

Theres a lot of things to work through when it comes to self acceptance of being gay mate... and the questions dont get any easier until you actually trust yourself enough to ask them and find people willing enough to be open and honest with.

Today you did both, something to feel very proud of.

Your stereotype... your image of what a gay guy is comes from that image never having been challenged. When you are closeted, and fearful of who you are, you tend to withdraw and hide away. And with that isolation comes ideas and images that you create.

Have you ever spoken to someone on the phone or email and built up a mental picture of what they look like only to finally meet them or see them to have them be totally different?

The gay community is exactly the same mate.

There are painters, carpenters, mechanics, surgeons, professors, taxi drivers, executives, artists, homeless, wealthy amongst us Recant. We are as average and as diverse as you can imagine.

We go to the footy, we listen to music, we like movies, we play sport. Most of all mate we are friends and lovers, living in suburbia in houses and apartments all around you just going about our lives. We are the same as straight people. We are part of the community.

Part of you struggle and your constant questioning of yourself comes from the fact that you dont see yourself the same way you "perceive" gay guys. Your image of what it means to be gay is stopping you from understanding how individual and unique you are, and that being gay doesnt change the way you laugh and cry, how you love and how you smile.

Your life can be anything you want it to be. And yes that means crushing and lusting after people, being as confused as the str8 guys trying to figure out girls. Yeah it means making mistakes and fools of ourselves... it means sometimes our hearts rule our heads.

But thats just the point.

Being gay doesnt stop you loving. It doesnt stop you caring. And it sure as hell doesnt stop you being the guy you are and from becoming all you want to be. And if that means being in a committed long term loving faithful relationship with your partner I can promise you mate thats yours for the taking.

Right now you just need to open your eyes and your mind to the community around you right now, and understand that only you create limitations. And being gay isnt one of them.

Welcome to the family Recant... its an amazing one you're now part of!

 

[Telstra]

Does life get easier if you are 'out of the closet?'

I find myself constantly tearing myself down tyring to figure out what exactly is happening here. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'm slowly trying to accept that I am gay and am having a really hard time letting go of all of my preconceived notions about gay people, stereotypes, what I want out of life. Now that I've let this idea into my head I have two sides of myself fighting for the number one spot and my sanity, my life, my grades, my happiness, are all taking the hits.

The one person I want to talk to about this lives hours away. He has always been there for me when I needed to hash something out and vice versa. I'm crushing on him hard and he is one of the reasons why I think I'm actually gay. I would definitely keep this out of the conversation unless he (by the grace of god) came out to me and told me he loved me or something (I can dream, can't I?). But he would be the person I would usually talk to about anything but I don't want to do this over the phone - I can't leave to visit. A million things race through my mind when I start to think about this and I can only think about it when I am stressed out of my mind (in school, and trying to not fail) and this is destroying my life. I honestly cannot think of a time in my life where I have felt this bad about myself, for myself, or in general. Is that a sign that I am wrong (please say yes)?

Why me? How do you not have your life, your perfectly woven web of halftruths not come crashing down and get ruined? How do you accept something of this magnitude? Why does this make me feel so bad about myself? I don't believe in God but if I did I would punch him square in the dick for this one.



Another thing that has been going through my mind alot is the idea that I will never find somebody to spend the rest of my life with. I always thought I was going to be married and have kids. Ok, if I'm gay that's not going to happen (well, not in the same way). If you are 'partnered,' do you consider your relationship to be equal to a married couple? Stereotype or what ever I just feel like I don't know a single gay couple that has been together for more than a few years? Hell, I don't know a lot of gay people but the ones I do know always seem unhappy and or single.

watch queer as folks the TV series and watch alot of gay porn, you will know about gay life !!!

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

First off, being gay really isn't much of a problem. There are some minor hurdles to jump, but they're fairly easy ones. Homophobia can be a real problem, depending on who your family and friends are, and worrying about whether family and friends will BE homophobic can be a major headache, as you're finding out. But the problem itself isn't you being gay - it's how others might react to it.

The example I usually use is this one. Say you're tall. Like REALLY tall. Nine feet high or less. Now imagine living where you do now. There'd probably be a lot of issues - banging your head on doorways, scraping your head on the ceiling, trying to curl up in a standard size bed. And you might come to the conclusion that being tall is a curse. Well, no. The real problem isn't that you're tall - it's that you're tall, but living in a normal-sized house. If you rebuilt the house with taller ceilings, bigger doorways, and a custom-made bed, you probably wouldn't have any issue with your height.

And that's the way it is with homosexuality. It means you dig guys. BFD. It'll only be an issue if your family or friends take issue with it.

So let me answer your second question first. I've been partnered for eleven years. Is it the equal of a straight marriage? Definitely. Our friends and colleagues - and most strangers - treat us the same way they'd treat any married couple. As it ends up, neither of us want kids, so that's not an issue, but if we did, I'm sure we could handle that. As I've said, being gay does NOT mean giving up on any of your dreams. You can still come home from work to your wife and kids and suburban home with a white picket fence. It just means your wife is gonna have a penis.

As for your friend, I'd work on getting your mind in the right spot. Chances are heavily against being gay, so go ahead and operate on the assumption that he isn't. And I'd work on finding a way to tell him (that you're gay, not that you're crushing on him) even if you can't see him in person. It might be ideal if you could do it in person, but sometimes life doesn't allow you to do things in an ideal fashion, and you have to work with what you're given. In this case, a phone call might be in order.

Lex

 

[slnattak]

Realistically, gay men ARE unhappier and have more psychological problems than straight men, but to be fair- if you were discriminated by society and didn't have equal rights, you would probably be unhappier too. Oh. You already are. Your post is nothing but a big whine, 'poor me' fest. Sorry, but it is.

Playing the victim is weak!

The only solution I see is to be the change you want to see in the world. Just because most gay men are doing what you see doesn't mean you have to copy them. If you want to, you can improve yourself enough to where you are a material for a long-term monogamous partner. If that's what you really want in life, then go for it! But don't think that it won't take work to make yourself ready to be able to be in a position where you have enough to offer somebody to share the rest of your life with. It sounds right now that your life is empty now, and you're waiting for somebody else to fulfill you!

I can tell you right now your repulsive 'poor me' attitude is a HUGE turn off for me! And it's not so much that you are gay, but you are attracting other gay men with similiar 'poor me' attitudes because you yourself have them! That which is like unto itself is drawn. If you want to attract a better caliber of gay men, more life-affirming and positive, then guess what sweetie? You have to be that way yourself! Look within, and make the change.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>

[Quoted post: Removed by Moderator]

Hey, I like Dan Savage as much as the next guy, but it's a mistake to start thinking "I saw Dan Savage do this once, so I'm gonna do it, too". Which is what I more or less see you doing.

Dan Savage does play the tough love card, but he tends to play it when people actually need to be dealt that one. When someone is so deep into self-loathing and moping that they need a swift kick to get them back into reality. But that's not what I see here with the OP. I see someone who is still coming to grips with his sexuality, and is scared of how people will react. Which, to me, is a perfectly understandable place to be. If he ignores all advice for the next six months, and continues posting about how lonely and suicidal he's feeling, then yeah - maybe it's time to put on the ass-kicking boots. But until then, I'm going to go the route of empathizing and explaining. If you want to consider that "coddling the faggot", I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree there.

Lex

 

[slnattak]

*sigh* oh come on, you know I'm right.

I didn't say that he needs to start sleeping with gay men to see if he likes it, I said that he should focus on learning how to be generally a more positive, less-critical person. He isn't really emotionally ready to handle any kind of sex....

And okay yeah maybe he's just now starting the 'poor me' act on the forums but ya know damn well the dude has been doing this a long time before this.

 

[recant]

You caught me red handed. I have searched high and low throughout the vastness of the internet to come rid you of your positive outlook on life on the most obscure forum known to the 'common,' man. I tried it in real life and realized I had better start recruiting life haters on the internet too.



On a more positive note: Amazing what a some beer and friends can do for 'one of those days.'

 

[LonelyFace]

I can tell you right now your repulsive 'poor me' attitude is a HUGE turn off for me!

This isn't about YOU; it's about Recant.

And okay yeah maybe he's just now starting the 'poor me' act on the forums but ya know damn well the dude has been doing this a long time before this.

You don't know that. Don't be so mean to someone who came here for help.

 

[TX-Beau]

You caught me red handed. I have searched high and low throughout the vastness of the internet to come rid you of your positive outlook on life on the most obscure forum known to the 'common,' man. I tried it in real life and realized I had better start recruiting life haters on the internet too.



On a more positive note: Amazing what a some beer and friends can do for 'one of those days.'

BRAVO!!!!! Miagi have hope for you yet...

 

[LonelyFace]

^^ I thought recant was being sarcastic. Or are you being sarcastic, too? Should I be feeling stupid right now?

 

[spencer]

It is tough to realize that you may not be who you thought you would be in life. But in the end, you learn to make due with what you have and you work on things that you can change and accept the things you can't. You have to hang in there.

One thing I didn't post about is what you like to do for fun. Do you hang out with other people guys or girls that you can have fun with and help take your mind out of crushing your other friend? Do you go to school or have hobbies to better yourself and focus on yourself?

Are you trying to meet new people? You can also try to meet gay men. Befriending gays will help you and you'll have guys you can talk to.

You don't have to put a label on yourself, you don't have to be gay.

Lastly, you have to let go of the stigma you have about being gay. You don't have the religious thing, so is it the unnatural thing? You can grow old and love anyone. Anyone can take care of you for the rest of your life. You can also raise children with anyone as well.

Gays may be different but they're not bad.

 

[recant]

Part of the problem I have with all of this is that I am a loud mouthed, opinionated, ass hole. Supreme confidence in myself for no real reason but what ever that reason was - it's now gone. I think the only 'type,' of guy I'd be remotely interested in was one what shocked me when I found out they were gay. I see no reason why I should act or be differently than I was before - obviously there are some changes or at least potential changes in my future but I don't want a label based on who gets my rocks off? I'm a loud spoken introvert if that makes sense. Say a lot without saying anything at all (that exposes me).

I'm not really sure about this whole thing yet but I figure its clear that there is something to this but I'm just not sure what that is yet. Maybe I'm gay, maybe not, I sure as hell don't know - time will tell.

I feel like the only people I can tell are gay, everyone can tell. I guess I never had a problem with that before but I just don't find it attractive. I have a lot of ideas about gay people that aren't always true but I've never had a gay guy hit on me to my knowledge - unless they were exceptionally flamboyant which has happened once or twice? So I wouldn't know what was out there other than the guy who is slightly more sublte than Mr. handflip.

Socially intelligent, but sexually retarded?

I've only ever been interested in one guy. To me it just seems that if it isn't him that's it. End of story. I mean, maybe one day I'll find somebody else who is equally compatable that is a dude but I feel like the chances are higher for that happening with a woman (Stictly based on odds). Like I said, sexually retarded. I enjoy the thought of being intimate with women, and the thought of being intimate with this single guy. Maybe that is some horrible way or rationalizing this in my head. It's not that he specifically is in my mind all the time - but the fact that all of this even popped into my head (with my friend as the other guy) is more what's in my thoughts. I don't even know if that makes sense. Basically - the idea of being gay trumps crush. Period. He just happens to be who I'd usually talk to about this type of stuff if it weren't say, me thinking of him in a way that he is probably not prepared for. That and I am terrible at dealing with stress when sex (or the thought of) is involved.

 

[recant]

Thank you everyone for your insight so far. Honestly, It truly helps.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK first off there’s no such thing as “…I’m not attracted to guys, it’s just HIM…” If there was no sexual component to the way you relate to him, you’d just be friends. Straight guys don’t develop a desire for an intimate relationship with their buddies.

Straight guys who have a passing thought about gay sex shrug it off and move on, they can do this because it’s just curiosity, doesn’t happen often, and isn’t that strong. But if the attraction is strong enough that you can’t ignore it, you’re at least bi. Your sexuality is about more than just sex, it’s almost more about relationships. A whole lot of gay men can get off with a woman and find it pleasurable, that doesn’t make them straight, or even bi.

Legions of gay men have used this as proof they’re straight. They get married, have some kids, then suffer through the inevitable implosion of their lives when they’re 40, and just can’t repress any longer. Sex aside, if you want a woman solely because you want a wife, and a tidy uncomplicated hetero life, well, that’s suspect. Straight guys also want that indefinable emotional connection. In fact, usually that’s the driving force behind why they marry.

Another thing to consider is that a lot of us go through this phase where we’re mourning for our lost inner hetero. As in all those things we can no longer have (wife and kids – societal acceptance and support, hetero privilege, etc.) That feeling you had with your friends, that there wasn’t an invisible partition between you and them. Guys at this point find it real easy to convince themselves to take one last chance at all of that. Some guys do, some don’t.

Finally, a word about the “Mr Handflip.” Guys who call themselves “Straight acting,” pretty much are trying to be straight gay men, trying to distance themselves from “obviously” gay. Don’t think I’m up on my high horse here passing out judgment. I did this myself. When I came out, I called myself SA/SA, wouldn’t associate with gay guys who weren’t just like me. Why? Because I’d got to the point where I could accept that I was attracted to guys, but I hadn’t got to the point where I understood that there was nothing fucking wrong with being any kind of gay, be that biker bears or drag queens. So be careful how you stereotype these guys, because comments like that, are just as homophobic as the comments ignorant rednecks spew out.