Turning 29, and still single

[MindBlast]

I need a reality check here.

I'll be 29 in a couple of weeks. I've only had a couple boyfriends and the longest one lasted a year, and most of those were in my early 20's. I've been out since I was 17. I've been single since I was 25, but I've wanted to find a guy to stay with since then. I don't feel it necessary to be in a relationship to validate myself, but it's something I would like because I do get lonely at times and friends can only do so much.

I'm having a really hard time finding guys though. All I'm looking for is a guy that takes care of himself and likes physical activity, and some of the same interests as me. Not even a lot, just one or two even. The problem seems to be that most guys in my city don't seem to fit the bill physically. I'm not even really picky, it's just that I don't want to date someone who isn't active. I've been physically active for 15 years now, it's a part of my life that isn't negotiable and I need someone who understands that.

Every time I go on a dating site (or even hookup site for that matter) I'm ENDLESSLY bombarded by twinks. Endlessly. I don't want to be nasty in my profile and flat out say nobody under a certain age, because that's not nice and too general. I've stated that I'm into athletic guys, but they just don't read and spam the crap out of me anyways. I always politely decline, "Sorry, I'm not interested."

I've found guys in other cities that are very interested in me and I'm interested in them, but it's hard to make that work especially when it's across the country. I'm not sure if I just need to get a job elsewhere or something because northern Alberta is too remote or what. So, am I crazy? What would you guys do?

 

[Brian Smith]

Don't bother with dating sites. If you have the skill to filter through reams of trash to find the one person there who is perfectly okay and just didn't get the memo that dating sites suck, that is one thing. If you do not have this super-human sorting ability, if you want someone serious, you are going to have to learn to socialize with people with whom you can identify on levels other than being gay. If you like to jog, there are run groups in your area whether you know it or not, and there are also places in the downtown area that a lot of people just like to frequent for their morning run. If you always wanted to spend time hitting a gym, there are a lot of good gyms out there, and there are even gyms that are geared to try to draw in gay people who just like to watch each other work out, and God only knows what goes on in the showers during off hours. You have a long list of places where you can find a good partner, and most of them are not dating sites.

 

[cgymike]

Yeah dating sites just don't work. I laughed today when I checked out the "new" gay.com...even worse than the old one....

 

[MindBlast]

if you want someone serious, you are going to have to learn to socialize with people with whom you can identify on levels other than being gay. If you like to jog, there are run groups in your area whether you know it or not, and there are also places in the downtown area that a lot of people just like to frequent for their morning run. If you always wanted to spend time hitting a gym, there are a lot of good gyms out there, and there are even gyms that are geared to try to draw in gay people who just like to watch each other work out, and God only knows what goes on in the showers during off hours. You have a long list of places where you can find a good partner, and most of them are not dating sites.

My friends (gay, straight, and a few bi ones) have lots of friends, and I've met a couple of guys that way, unfortunately things didn't work out with them (different stages of life, moving, etc). But it may be my best option.

I hate running and it's winter here 6 months of the year, so that's out. But I do play rugby. I also lift weights and have been going to the gym for 15 years. In all that time I never met anyone at the gym. Everyone seems to keep to themselves. I'm not sure how to approach a guy and interrupt his workout, because I know I'd be mildly annoyed if someone interrupted mine (but it hasn't happened). I made out in the (curtained) showers with a gay buddy once there. That's about as far as it went.

 

[cgymike]

My friends (gay, straight, and a few bi ones) have lots of friends, and I've met a couple of guys that way, unfortunately things didn't work out with them (different stages of life, moving, etc). But it may be my best option.

I hate running and it's winter here 6 months of the year, so that's out. But I do play rugby. I also lift weights and have been going to the gym for 15 years. In all that time I never met anyone at the gym. Everyone seems to keep to themselves. I'm not sure how to approach a guy and interrupt his workout, because I know I'd be mildly annoyed if someone interrupted mine (but it hasn't happened). I made out in the (curtained) showers with a gay buddy once there. That's about as far as it went.

You may have to move....try Vancouver...these winters are getting old. And so am I for that matter. Do the move before you get too old to care one way or another. I can't imagine anything that would keep me in High Level or is Fort Sask where you live?

 

[justanothershyguy]

Every time I go on a dating site (or even hookup site for that matter) I'm ENDLESSLY bombarded by twinks. Endlessly. I don't want to be nasty in my profile and flat out say nobody under a certain age, because that's not nice and too general. I've stated that I'm into athletic guys, but they just don't read and spam the crap out of me anyways. I always politely decline, "Sorry, I'm not interested."

I'm glad you're polite about it, but you have to realize that the so-called twinks can't control their young looks any more than you can control your age. I personally have always looked 3-4 years younger than I am, and a lot of times it's more of a curse than a blessing. You can't hurt yourself or them just by talking, and you never know... maybe one of them is not at all what you expect?

 

[MindBlast]

I'm glad you're polite about it, but you have to realize that the so-called twinks can't control their young looks any more than you can control your age. I personally have always looked 3-4 years younger than I am, and a lot of times it's more of a curse than a blessing. You can't hurt yourself or them just by talking, and you never know... maybe one of them is not at all what you expect?

The big problem is that they just don't do it sexually for me. It's not the youth I'm opposed to, it's the size. I'm friends with a few guys who fall into that category, but I just can't date them. I can't help that I'm not into lightweights. I actually did try dating a guy like that when I was 24, and it didn't work out because I was never interested in sex and couldn't get hard. I know sex isn't the whole relationship, but a lack of it can really kill it. I'm 5'7" and 181 lbs myself and I don't want to feel like I'm going to break a guy when we wrestle.

BTW Cgymike, I live around Edmonton (not directly in it, but close enough).

 

[Brian Smith]

I also lift weights and have been going to the gym for 15 years. In all that time I never met anyone at the gym. Everyone seems to keep to themselves. I'm not sure how to approach a guy and interrupt his workout, because I know I'd be mildly annoyed if someone interrupted mine (but it hasn't happened).

Offer to spot for him. In the gyms I have been to, pumping iron is a social activity. When you are pushing your limits and going over the recommended amount of weight you are supposed to push, someone should be watching over you in case you need help. Well, that is a very intimate thing. If you are spotting for somebody, then you are watching over him, and he is investing his trust in you. You might get declined a few times, but you have to put yourself out there.

But I have heard that every gym has a different culture. Some of them are more social than others. In some places, if you offered to interact with somebody, that person would chew you out and tell you to go somewhere and die. In other places, competing with and interacting with their buddies is their only reason for being there. Therefore, you might want to consider hitting a different gym if you have not had any luck. Like I said, there are gay gyms out there, though I have never been to one and cannot advise you on what you would find at one. For all I know, they could be bathhouses with weight rooms.

 

[rm71182]

Am I alone in feeling like the gym is *totally* off limits as pickup territory?

I really commend OP for knowing the kind of guy he wants (I feel like that's too rare these days, and as someone who's not very attractive, I appreciate the forthrightness of guys who know what they want), but at the same time, if you're gonna be picky...

I can sort of sympathize, but in my case, it's not about selectivity: it's just that my younger self was only attracted to a certain type of guy: wide frame, not fat, but muscular, and small dick (cause I'm small too). That's what I was comfortable with; I was too nervous to commit to anything else.

Problem: I couldn't (still can't) find that type of guy. I find that most of the guys I meet are a function of who my friends are friends with. I'm 26 and single and I'm scared as fuck I'll end up alone. Which led me to finally realize that, if I don't want to end up alone, I need to get to know a guy and establish an intimacy that precedes sex. The rest of the physical attraction seems to follow.

 

[Corny]

Bro, do you even lift Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Mindblast, you're not only very active but you're also an avid gaymer. The combination probably isn't too common, but it's also not rare. I kinda agree a bit with the guys who say that you are having too many preconditions. Relationships are always about compromises. I can totally relate *why* you do have them but it's just a fact that it is really rare that your mr perfect is actually the mr perfect that you imagined. Be that bodywise or in freetime activities. And really, you do want to have some stuff that you do on your own. Even in a relationship.

 

[Ganoderma]

Yes you are crazy. Basically you are being offered dozens of opportunities and you take none of them because of an illusion that you have created for yourself. Give those twinks a chance. Discover who and what they are and make your decisions after that. Those who go into the dating world with expectations usually leave it with disappointments and bitter experience.

My dear OP (= Mindblast),

I tend to agree with the advice given by Coward92. So give them a chance, arrange a meeting in real life and see how they are and how they react in real life.

Please become realistic and realize yourself that you are not looking around for some sort of identical twin of yourself. You are looking around for a boyfriend / partner, and loads and loads of guys are offering yourself for a date. How do you see your future? Go on and on with decining all those offers?

Besides, all others over here with a long-term partner will agree with the wise words of Corny (Relationships are always about compromises). Please listen to the ones with alot of experience with a long-term partner. Do you really think that Corny and his partner are some sort of identical twins of each other?

Mindblast, I tend to think that you are indeed trying to get a date with an illusion.

Good luck & take care.

 

[KaraBulut]

So, am I crazy? What would you guys do?

You've defined most of the problems and others have picked up on them- you're picky, you have a "type", you live in a place that a lot of gay people flee when they first get the chance (maybe instead of "Mindblast" you should be "ArticBlast" ) and you're looking for fine dining when most guys on dating sites are looking for fast food fucks.

And others have pointed to the need for you to compromise.

Something to think about... when you see a guy that you find attractive, do you introduce yourself? Do your friends know that you're looking for a relationship?

You're one of those guys where the book doesn't match the cover. Looking at a picture of you or looking at you from across the room, most guys are going to be intimidated. Someone has to get to know you before they realize that you're down-to-earth and kinda nerdy (in a good way) nice guy. So, it's going to be up to you to break the ice.

Different gyms do have different vibes- even different vibes at different times of the day. Some gyms are places where guys go with the intent of getting the work done and getting home. Other gyms are social hangouts where it's hard to get your workout done because guys are too busy chatting with their butts parked on the station you want. Things like "working in" are good ways to chat with someone briefly or if you see someone working out all the time, introduce yourself briefly. This is one of the few places where Grindr is practical- it lets everyone know who else is gay but it is still up to you to introduce yourself.

And always keep in mind that even if a guy isn't your type, he may have a friend who is. So, the more people you know and the more people who know you, the larger your circle of friends. And even if a guy isn't your type, if he knows that you're single and looking, he may be the bridge to an introduction to someone who is your type.

PS And no, you're not crazy.

 

[Rolyo85]

There are two solutions to your problem, and either could have a positive long-term effect on you, though it would seem to me that you need BOTH:

1. Move away. People tend to be really scared of doing that, but ultimately, once you overcome the mental block, there aren't THAT many things that can truly keep you where you are. Job market sucks, but you can still always find a job anywhere if you are qualified, and other than school or a sick relative, there are few legitimate reasons not to be able to move.

2. Broaden your horizons. Yes, one likes what one likes, and sometimes you can't change that, but ultimately, very narrow tastes are a symptom of an underlying problem, usually having to do with some form of insecurity. Versatility is key, in everything. For example, I prefer to top, but I am not opposed to bottoming either, and depending on the guy, I get different urges. With a big beefy guy I'd probably want to bottom, while with a younger, smaller dude I'd want to top. There is something attractive in most ANY body type, if you have the eyes to see it and don't build walls in your head. You are attracted to the male body, not to any specific male body. Our fine tuning preferences happen in our head, and since we are responsible for them, we can also change them if we want to. Try watching some twink porn, see where that takes you


Oh, and I completely disagree that dating sites suck. OkCupid is borderline amazing actually, and even on Grindr, you can find great people regardless of where you are.

 

[itsmejeff]

You have opportunities, bro. You are choosing not to take them. You are

And it really could be worse for you. I am also turning 29. I am a kissless virgin who has never had a boyfriend. I am not trying to sabotage myself through focusing on labels though.

See a psychologist and figure out what you actual problem is. You are getting really old in gay years. You cannot keep wasting time.

 

[MindBlast]

Thanks for the advice guys.

I would even 'settle' for a guy who wasn't totally physically my type if we got along great (ie: he was into cars or something). But what's sexy about the active type of guy to me isn't necessarily the muscle part (although that helps), but it's more of the fact that he's willing to try hard, to put in effort. I have a block in my brain where I automatically view very thin guys as lazy. I might reconsider if I had one challenge me. I like to be challenged physically. I've tried watching twink porn like you suggested Rolyo but it didn't do it for me. I might as well have been watching lesbian porn (and I'm gay) for how much I was interested. To me it just looked like kids bumbling around trying to have sex, even though they were 18 or 19. I want a man. Is that so much to ask?

Moving is very difficult for me, but it's not impossible. I'd have to sell my house and move myself to somewhere else that has jobs for me (geophysical scientist, 7 yrs experience). My options are:
-Calgary, AB (3 hours away from where I live)
-northern California
-Texas
That's about it. The problem with trying to move to the USA is that they have extremely xenophobic rules about immigration. I've looked into it and it'll cost me a lot of money, but it is possible under some circumstances.

Karabulut, you're right. I don't do the approaching enough and I have been told I look intimidating, although I try not to look that way. I'll try to approach guys more often and see where that leads. I've also (very recently) messed around with two of my hot friends (who are a couple and invited me to). That was a lot of fun and they want to do it again, but that still doesn't get me a boyfriend.

I've had some limited luck with smartphone apps and stuff. There are lots of gay guys here, they're just invisible. The ones I went on dates with didn't really pan out, but I haven't been on that many so I can just try more.

 

[spunk-junky]

I absolutely agree with what KaraBulut said:

...keep in mind that even if a guy isn't your type, he may have a friend who is. So, the more people you know and the more people who know you, the larger your circle of friends. And even if a guy isn't your type, if he knows that you're single and looking, he may be the bridge to an introduction to someone who is your type...

This is the most important truth: even if the guys you are meeting now aren't dating material, you may meet somebody through them who is. The more people you meet and hang out with, the more opportunities you'll have to meet the right somebody. In contrast to some of the guys on here, I actually found dating websites helpful. Granted, they never turned into anything longer than a few months, but it was through friends of friends that I met my partner, 8 yrs ago-- we were attending the birthday party of a mutual friend. Every outing or social event with friends is an opportunity to meet somebody new.

 

[Callum]

To play devil's advocate, all of us younger guys aren't awful. Example, me in a nutshell:

I am turning 23 [1990],

I am a medical scientist-in-training [immunology],

I love rugby/skiing/swimming [got the 'athletic bug' not too long ago, working on physique (fun fact: first crush was a rugby player)],

I have played a shadow priest since August 2007 [I try other classes, but always go back to priest],

I think groomed body hair is hot [use to think I was doomed because most guys my age like shaved],

I am kind of a big 'gaymer' in general [preference for PS3 RPGs, FPSs],

I am mostly attracted to men in their late 20s and up [18-24 is a dead zone],

I don't 'do' and have never 'done' the bar/club scene,

Most of my sexual needs are met through oral [could suck and play with a cock until my jaw fell off hours later],

Admittedly, I am not a 'huge' anal fan [it depends on the guy really but I like receiving and giving, with a preference for the former],

My best friend is a 1984 blue-collar hetero [most of mine are older and straight],

I'd love to take up a martial art [Brazilian jiujitsu specifically],

And more.​

By reading through your posts, if I was turning 29, lived in Edmonton, and loved cars (sorry, one thing I'm not educated on or overly interested in - I live in Toronto, so I take transit everywhere), we'd probably be more than compatible, and potentially have a fantastic friendship.

Young guys are catches too, 'ya know! I hope you find someone!

 

[MindBlast]

By reading through your posts, if I was turning 29, lived in Edmonton, and loved cars (sorry, one thing I'm not educated on or overly interested in - I live in Toronto, so I take transit everywhere), we'd probably be more than compatible, and potentially have a fantastic friendship.

Young guys are catches too, 'ya know! I hope you find someone!

You sound like I'd easily go on a date with you. Mind you, it's not the specific age (that is just a number), it's just that I'm looking for a mature and athletic guy, and I can find that at any age.

 

[Seasoned]

Keep in mind that dating is different than hooking up. Types are fine and maybe even necessary for hook ups but dating is getting to know someone for who and what they are. If someone is available and willing to date then date them. I think you've over complicated things. I find it hard to believe you're the last rugged homo in northern Alberta.

 

[Durango95]

Thanks for the advice guys.

I would even 'settle' for a guy who wasn't totally physically my type if we got along great (ie: he was into cars or something). But what's sexy about the active type of guy to me isn't necessarily the muscle part (although that helps), but it's more of the fact that he's willing to try hard, to put in effort. I have a block in my brain where I automatically view very thin guys as lazy. I might reconsider if I had one challenge me. I like to be challenged physically. I've tried watching twink porn like you suggested Rolyo but it didn't do it for me. I might as well have been watching lesbian porn (and I'm gay) for how much I was interested. To me it just looked like kids bumbling around trying to have sex, even though they were 18 or 19. I want a man. Is that so much to ask?

Moving is very difficult for me, but it's not impossible. I'd have to sell my house and move myself to somewhere else that has jobs for me (geophysical scientist, 7 yrs experience). My options are:
-Calgary, AB (3 hours away from where I live)
-northern California
-Texas
That's about it. The problem with trying to move to the USA is that they have extremely xenophobic rules about immigration. I've looked into it and it'll cost me a lot of money, but it is possible under some circumstances.

Karabulut, you're right. I don't do the approaching enough and I have been told I look intimidating, although I try not to look that way. I'll try to approach guys more often and see where that leads. I've also (very recently) messed around with two of my hot friends (who are a couple and invited me to). That was a lot of fun and they want to do it again, but that still doesn't get me a boyfriend.

I've had some limited luck with smartphone apps and stuff. There are lots of gay guys here, they're just invisible. The ones I went on dates with didn't really pan out, but I haven't been on that many so I can just try more.

Finding athletic gay guys isn't that hard. I do the gym. I think your initial problem is that you are looking. I've always found that looking bears no results of any merit. Go to places where there are others that participate in the activities you like. It really doesn't make any difference whether the guys or gay or not. Just get into a group of guys. Make friends and see where it goes.

I totally understand about the twinks thing. I get hit on by twinks all the time. It is so tedious. They are usually looking for someone with a job and a good job is better. They are like little prostitutes. They trade sex for stuff. My take on that is, if I had wanted kids I'd have gotten married and had them. Besides that most kids nowadays are bratty idiotic miscreants.

I understand having a type but don't be married to it. If a guy doesn't do it for you he just doesn't. That being said, there is something to having a more open mind. I've never really understood the idea of compromising on your boyfriend. I had a buddy that always had the "mister right now" ideology. He is my age and still doing the "mister right now" thing. The difference is now he is a lot poorer and has an incurable STD. O and he still has no boyfriend or partner.