Jdcnow, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words. This was driving me insane and I felt so repulsed and was so filled with self-hatred, that I thought that the only solution would be to jump off a bridge or hang myself. The fact that you have been so generous as to share your own experiences with me and have said such encouraging words, has meant the world to me. You cannot imagine how desperate I was feeling.
I still have to wrap my head around this being normal (I know that it is, but it doesn't feel so in any way, shape or form), and learn to manage these unwanted feelings... I have already booked an appointment with my GP for this Monday and I will have an assessment with a therapist on Tuesday afternoon. I am still immensely grateful to you for sharing everything that you're doing and gone through (as well as the links to your blogs). I cannot thank you enough for your understanding, especially because I felt completely alone.
That's great.
Proud of you. This is the first step to you getting better.
On my tumblr page, HomoPower, I got an anonymous Ask message from a bi girl who likes gay, men-on-men porn, and wanted to know if it was normal. I will post both her message and my response here.
Anonymous asked: Hey so I'm a bi girl, but this like really turns me on, not because I like seeing to hot guys fuck (though I'm not complaining about the hotness or the fucking) but because I think it's really great and it turns me on? Especially that one where they made out after they came. That was great. Any thoughts?
My reply...
Thanks for following me, and for writing me.
I adore my women followers (shout-out!). And there are a lot more of you folks out there than you think - straight and bi women who enjoy seeing two guys together. You are perfectly fine, ma’am, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Straight men have openly enjoyed lesbian erotica and outright porn for years, if not decades. Ladies, you are no different, and that’s OK. There’s a ton of women out there who enjoy gay male erotica and porn. And it should be just as acceptable - enough with the bullshit double standard, and the manmade social constructs about sex that hold us back!
Our sexual fantasies, fetishes, and things that turn us on - just like any other interest, we have a right to own those fantasies, fetishes, etc., as our own.
You have the right to like what you like, just as with anything else. If you’re a girl that likes both guys and girls, but seeing two guys turns you on - enjoy it, you have every right to do so!
The sooner we, as a collective society, get away from the straight-cisgendered-religious-male traditional concept of what sex in general is supposed to be about, the better off we, as a society, will be. Whether you’re male, female, or somewhere in between, everyone should take ownership of their own sexuality. If you’re a gay guy with a heterocurious streak, own it. If you’re a bi girl who enjoys seeing two men doing whatever, own it. If you’re a straight guy who is curious of what it would be like to be with another man, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Enjoy your sexuality, it’s yours. Thanks for the question.
Thank to you as well, KölnElch. Hopefully this is just a phase (it HAS to be), because I cannot see myself accepting it ever. It just makes me feel dirty and unwell, and completely aberrant and out of control.
I am sorry to ask this question the both of you but, are/were the attraction feelings ever intense? That is what has freaked me out the most - the fact that the come like a sudden burst of intensity, and then go. I have never, ever felt anything like this for a woman and they leave me feeling dirty, angry and disgusted beyond anything imaginable. It also makes me paranoid that I will change into something I don't want, like or need in spite of myself and my real needs... God, it feels like I am being robbed of my real self, and it's horrible.
You are quite welcome - It is my good pleasure to be the help for someone else that I myself never had. I don't want anyone to have to go it alone, like I did.
As to the question of the attraction I have to women, I do have a couple of stories.
>> Up until the first full week of August, my drugstore I work at was 24-hour, and I had a lot of regular customers that came in often enough that we got to know each other and become friends. There was this one girl who was actually older than me - she's 37. Honestly, I swear to you, she doesn't look older than early to mid 20s. She's one of those people who has taken really good care of herself - she's had to - she's survived lymph node cancer in her armpits.
By occupation, she was a nightclub dancer - not an exotic dancer or stripper, but an actual dance club dancer. If you've ever seen the old TV show, "Soul Train", where they have professional dancer girls in addition to the general public clientele you see, basically that. It kind of adds atmosphere to the intended nightclub feel of the place. She would come into the store and getting off work, and often, she'd come in her nightclub dancer gear. She was a blonde girl about an inch or two shorter than me - I'm 6ft even. She was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen. And smart as fuck - she spent her high school years as a foreign-exchange student in Europe, and was once married (now divorced) to a military guy who was based in Germany. So she was super smart, really cultured and knew a lot of foreign languages. She a beautiful spirit inside and out. And lookswise, she's every straight guy's fantasy dream girl come to life. She's one of those girls that's **every** straight guy's type.
I do admit - there were times when I've thought to myself, if I were straight...
If I were straight, she could most definitely get it. On the rare occasion whenever I do indulge in straight porn or a straight fantasy, I've honestly though about what it would be like to eat her out while humming a favorite song she'd like. Yes, my mind has went there - what it would be like to go down on this girl. But my logical mind steps in - nope, there are multiple boundaries here. You're gay, she has a boyfriend, she does smoke cigarettes (a personal deal-breaker for me), etc. I don't beat myself up over that I do recognize that I'm attracted to her. I logically know that there are boundaries there, that for both her sake, and for mine, I am never to cross. But I'm not repulsed in any way that I find her attractive.
>> Secondly, I take you back to the Saturday night before Halloween, 2013. I know that it's a weekend night before Halloween - all the parties are happening, everybody's out at the clubs, going to parties, etc. I worked the overnight shift that night, 10pm to 7am. Sometime between 1030 and 11pm that night, my overnight manager and I are on registers at the front-end, as the store is, like, super busy, at the time. And it's just the two of us, as the evening shift went home at 1030pm, so it's JUST my manager and I. So he (my manager) and I both have lines that are, like, 5 and 10 people deep, so we're trying to hurry and get everyone through the checkout lines as quickly as possible.
So up comes this woman, standing in line. She had on this tall headdress, had her makeup and hair done, and all she's wearing is this fishnet bodysuit. That's it. Just from her neck down, all she wore is this bodysuit. She had pasties to cover her nipples, and a part of the bodysuit had a leather patch to cover her ladyparts, so that she could legally be out in public. Yes, she was literally out in public looking just like that. And she did have quite a body in that suit - she was gorgeous. I admit to a human failing here - it was hard NOT to notice how she was (un)dressed.
After that night's shift, I went home that Sunday morning, and went to bed, like normal. I woke up Sunday evening with the morning wood from hell. But at the time, in the moment, I recognized several things - I'm gay. And I'm on the clock - I have to be as professional and as tactful as I possibly can. There is a nearly-naked woman in my store right now, wearing a fishnet bodysuit in front of everybody, and it's somewhere between incredibly hot, and awkward as fuck. In storefront retail, you are expected to handle random situations that are often dicey, awkward, offensive, or even hostile That was about the diciest, most awkward situation I think I've ever been in - to have to completely ignore the naked woman in the middle of the front checkouts. It wasn't easy, but I got through it. And it's a story I'll still remember when I'm 80.
