unsure...

[terrorblade]

Okay, I guess I should talk a bit about myself before cutting to the point now that I've finally gathered the courage to post. I'm 18 and a Freshmen in college. Something like 2 years ago I started to like guys (just like that), but didn't do anything in that direction (high school). Well, now that I'm in college (and away from folks), let's just say I'm trying to be a little less 'shy'. I've liked girls as well, but - call me mad - I always broke up because I wanted somekind of an 'emotional connection'. I might be looking for too much, but I don't know how I can change that about myself.

Okay, long introduction, now cutting to the point. There's a guy I totally have the hots for and I tend to just look at him for periods (I think I like his eyes, but I'm kinda new to this...) - and then stop lest anyone should notice. I don't know how my friends (or any of the people here for that matter) would react, since I know their reactions to a few gay guys on campus - and they're not that desirable. I always hear nasty comments about them, and I try to look over them for the most part. It's a relatively conservative environment and I'm not even sure how my old friends would react - let alone people I just met this year.

The thing is, I kinda spot him if I walk into a room/hall he's in, so I tend to stare (for the lack of a better word). I do try to keep it under control, but it's like some spell. What I noticed for a few weeks though (ever since I've had the intent of posting here), he looks at me as well - and it doesn't look like it's one of the 'why-are-you-looking-at-me' looks, but something else. Then again, I might be too distracted to notice, but for a while it's like we don't break eye contact while we can.

Now when I think of it, I've actually noticed people staring at me perhaps just like that, but I never returned the gaze. It's confusing, although it gives me some hope. At least he knows I exist, right?

And to keep my first long post not-so-long, here comes my question: Have you ever been in a situation such as this one, and if you have, what happened? I'm kinda nervous right now and I don't want to do something really rash - which I sometimes do under the effect of a lot of stress (finals week...)

PS. Sorry for the long post. And thanks a lot if you've read this far.

 

[thermodynamics]

Straight guys have a tendency to be homophobes for no reason at all. Somehow, it's just something that's expected of them. But they don't know why. I think you'd have a more favorable experience than you think. We often make a bigger deal about coming out than we should.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi and welcome to our forum--glad you're here!

Consider finding a way to have a conversation with him. You seem to only see him in passing--like he's coming or going. That can be a little tough unless you're really clever at getting his attention long enough to say something other than "hiya."

Do you have any mutual friends in common that he might hang out with and you somehow tag along one time? Or, where else might he be (e.g., gym, student union, library, etc.) that you could also just-so-happen to be? Anyway, you get the idea...find a way to be in his presence other than a quick pass in the hall.

Good luck with this. It's frustrating to be interested in someone and not having a clear means to even say more than a nod and hello. Hope something happens after your break. Keep in touch and let us know what happens.

 

[terrorblade]

Straight guys have a tendency to be homophobes for no reason at all. Somehow, it's just something that's expected of them. But they don't know why. I think you'd have a more favorable experience than you think. We often make a bigger deal about coming out than we should.

You might be right, however... While I would have probably agreed with that half a year or a year ago, it's like less and less guys have appealed to me lately. It might be a phase that I'm going through, it might not. Until I actually do something to 'test' myself, I can't be sure of it myself. I try not to rely too blindly on 'feelings' and think rationally a bit, but that's too hard sometimes.

Consider finding a way to have a conversation with him. You seem to only see him in passing--like he's coming or going. That can be a little tough unless you're really clever at getting his attention long enough to say something other than "hiya."

Do you have any mutual friends in common that he might hang out with and you somehow tag along one time? Or, where else might he be (e.g., gym, student union, library, etc.) that you could also just-so-happen to be? Anyway, you get the idea...find a way to be in his presence other than a quick pass in the hall.

Good luck with this. It's frustrating to be interested in someone and not having a clear means to even say more than a nod and hello. Hope something happens after your break. Keep in touch and let us know what happens.

Most of the time I see him at lunch/dinner or hanging out with his friends. Since our groups of friends don't overlap too much, the only times I actually talk to him more than a few words are when we're discussing homework or something like that.

Mutual friends? Not really... I guess I'll have to find a way... hold on. That was a very good idea. I've got some friends that get along really well with him, so I guess I'll be hanging out with them a bit more than usual. Apart from that, I don't really know how I can find out where he hangs around (I can't just ask people) and I only just meet him every know and then - and look at him and him looking back.

After the break? Oh well, I really hope something happens after the break... I've been so stressed with finals lately and this thinking of him has been killing me as well. I think I'll go crazy not being able to see him during the holidays and I hope I won't do anything rash next semester. I'm not at all sure if he's straight - although I haven't seen him checking out girls so far or anything.

 

[Steppenwolf]

What you're experiencing probably happened to a lot of us at least once. Just be careful with the staring part. You may think you're being more careful than you are.

Averageguy probably said it best. Just strike up a conversation with him. Find ways to bring up things you might do together, like play raquetball, work out at the gym, go jogging together, watch a movie, or get a cup of coffee. Don't make it sound like a date, just two guys hanging out together. The more you talk, the more you find out about him and whether there is a possibility to take this further. You'll also find out rather quickly if he's not interested or otherwise unavailable. Even if there is no chance for a romantic relationship, you may just gain a friend. Good luck.

 

[terrorblade]

I thought so a bit at first, but I'm sure my apparently homophobic friends would have said something about it had they found it out of place. So I guess that's not the issue.
I had a common final and I met him before (preparation), during (when we got into the hall) and after we finished, but it wasn't just the two of us so I didn't really look at him that much- and he apparently didn't either. We did talk, but just like friends. That put me down a bit.
Two days until winter break- I'll probably just get his MSN id and talk over the holidays. Who knows, maybe we'll get to know each other a little better and we'll be a little more relaxed next semester.

I had a totally awful week with finals, but something really made me sad. A friend (girl) that I thought would be the first person to come out to actually asked me if I liked a girl (former highschool classmate). It was really a shock to see that the person who I thought understood me without saying anything actually didn't understand anything. Oh well, life goes on.

PS. I'm not the guy that practices a lot of sports, and as far as I've seen he only plays rugby. I'm way too slim for that sport, however much I'd like to be on the same team. As for the movie thing... it seems kinda awkward. Maybe if there's more people at the movie, I doubt I could just ask him 'Hey, let's go to a movie...'. Thanks for the advice guys- but as I said... I'll probably only actually do something about it in 5 weeks - it seemed like a really fun holiday at first, but now I wish I was staying. Oh damn.

 

[terrorblade]

Some updates...
We both had the same two exams last week and we happened to meet while studying (actually, I went to the study area because I knew he was there, but...), still, we just behaved like friends and nothing else. Might have been because there were other people as well, but I don't know. Same thing after both of the exams.
I didn't get to see him much until we left, and on the way back home the thought I wouldn't see him again was torturing me for a while.

So, I did the only thing that I could think of - which I was completely against, and still am, but it was the only way to reach him - got Facebook, so I could have his Y! id. We talked for the past couple of days and it was fun, but I didn't get any message or hint that we were anything else other than friends.

However, what I'm really nervous about is when he added me on facebook- he gave the details "You dated". Is that some sort of a hint? I'm so afraid to screw this up- if it doesn't work out, I want us to at least be friends, not avoid each other for the rest of our college years.

 

[spreadeagle]

This is all perfectly normal - it sounds like your brain is working overtime with all those exam nerves, testosterone, hope and desperation sloshing round inside. All perfectly normal for a teenager who sounds like he badly needs a holiday. You're doing all the right things.

A couple of hints:
remember your real reasons for being in college.

The fact that your girl friend tried to hook you up with a girl doesn't mean she thinks you're straight. It could equally be her way of discovering if you're gay (and an expression of her concern).

Don't try and change yourself just to conform with what you imagine would appeal to the guy you like. You're at your most attractive as a self-confident individual. Ultimately for any relationship to work the partners have to like and accept each other as they are.

 

[terrorblade]

Okay, I apparently forgot one chapter. The next night after post #6 I talked to the same friend for a couple of hours I guess and she basically implied she thought I was gay for the first month or so because I was, "too nice to be straight". I neither denied it or confirmed it (we weren't exactly alone), I just avoided the subject - I hope she at least got the hint.

Then she told me something about noticing some girl that liked me and almost made me guess. I refused (I don't really care) and she was kinda okay with it. Now that I think of high-school, there were girls that liked me, but I just behaved like a friend and wanted nothing else. Hell, I didn't even notice it at the time and I only notice it now that I think of it.

I'm not trying to change myself - I don't know how I could - but it might be because I'm not sure what would appeal to him. As for self-confidence, I can't really tell... the more I seem to wait, the less self-confident I feel.

 

[Jonny_Longhair]

The world works in mysterious ways sometimes, but most days it's up to you to take what you want.

Love and deep breathing

 

[attallaborn]

im getting so many mixed messages from your posts. 1st you said your bi and had liked girls but wanted emotional attraction; then later you said that you were NEVER interested in girls and that you were always gay and hoped your girl friend knew the open secret. Dude, your gay...

now to answer your question as best i can asess it: the thing about striaght/closet guys is that, they too have deep feelings and desires but can only hint or suggest such (e.g. his stares and facebook detail confirms). i'm here to predict that he will stare (lovingly) back at you for short periods of time all day BUT will not do anything eles, unless, you initiate the action. he will not "accidentaly" be where you are, call you, invite you out, etc unless you make the first move. these type guys, are the super closeted and conformed: thus, they deal with their homosexuality with the intent on living the striaght life no matter what; so they are not as inclined, as you, to explore these feelings. also, they are super paranoid that someone will FIND OUT; so, they will not dance around fancing a guy unless they are confident that guy IS gay and wont expose him for being so also.

 

[terrorblade]

Well, I might not formulate it in the best of ways. I _did_ like some girls back in high school but even when it was (for some people) obvious they liked me I just moved away. I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself that I preferred guys and kept thinking I liked girls (as my family and the bible taught me, as someone would say...). As for my girl friend, I kinda think she had a hunch and just did that to test me. And guess what... it worked and I'm 99% she's certain of it now. It's at least good for me because it will be less of a surprise.

Anyway, I was _very_ nervous a few days back and I needed someone to talk to and checked my 'best friends' from college/high school:
- A. , guy, would probably be okay with it but we'd never hang out for a beer and such like we use to.
- G., girl, possibly okay with it although disappointed (I _think_ she likes/d me...)
- P., girl, old family acquaintance, wouldn't ever forgive me for it - she definitely liked me since 8th grade and probably still does. not to mention the likelihood of it getting to my parents.
- I., guy, would probably not mind (never seen him with a girl though...), but would behave odd when he saw me.
- D., guy, ladies' man- wouldn't believe me at first, then would tell everyone.
- Z., guy, stable girlfriend for 3 years - wouldn't mind but he's too good a friend with D.
I'm sure most people around face the same problem. So, rather rashly, I talked to an older friend (girl) who moved out of town 6 years ago. Thankfully, she was totally okay with it and I could get it off my chest. It helped me calm down _a lot_, but I haven't seen him online in a few days. I just hope I didn't push him in any way.

Thanks for the second part of your response. It was reassuring to say the least. I just hope all that is true and everything works out. I think I would be just the same 'super closeted and conformed' type you mention, but there's one small thing: I tend to act rash sometimes, out of the blue. That's why I discovered this site in the first place (back when it still was on lmao.ca). That's why I started this topic. That's why I came out to my friend two nights ago. Some people call that 'moody' - I guess I am. It's not the first time I've been told to me unpredictable.
As for the last sentence, I think it kinda sums it up. He's probably _not_ confident I'm gay (the way I know my friends, they'd whisper about it if they had a hunch). And he couldn't be confident about me not exposing him- we don't know each other that well yet.
If for nothing else, thanks for giving me some 'fuel' to go on.
Oh no, he's online!!! Gotta go... later guys!

 

[terrorblade]

I dunno what made me come and post in this thread again, but I really need to let it out somewhere I guess, even if it's on a forum where nobody actually knows me (well- that's a good thing since I'm not really out yet).

I tried during the while I was home to spend as little time as possible thinking about N. (I'll just call him that) by going on trips, spending time with friends etc. before going back to college. I got back on wednesday evening, was a bit busy with catching up on stuff (mail/courses/whatever) and I left on friday for another weekend trip. I ended up seeing him this evening at the choir meeting - which I _never_ expected, but it just happened somehow. I was so nervous I couldn't concentrate on anything as he sat right next to me. I tried my best to be calm and not look at him a lot, but we still glanced at each other a lot.

I finally came out to a friend at college I've been meaning to since the end of fall semester - but I didn't want to discuss it over IM. I supposed she liked me (and was right, as she told me afterwards) and didn't really want to tell her that just in a message. She was really supportive of everything- and obviously a bit curious who I was interested in because that's how it all started- anyway, I didn't give away too many details.

Bottom line is, can I do anything to _not_ stare at him whenever he's around me? I just feel odd and I'm afraid I might creep him out...

 

[silentalk]

Did he choose to sit next to you? I mean, could he have chosen somewhere else to sit? Or was it you who sat next to him??

If he sat next to you and there were other empty chairs, I would say that it's crazy not to try and DO SOMETHING! After all, you said that "both" of you were staring at each other.

Try to talk to him about something. The choir might be a good topic to start a chat. But you have to take a step forward.

Good luck and keep us updated!

 

[terrorblade]

Well, none of the seats were taken so he did kinda choose to sit next to me. He arrived a few minutes after me.
That's exactly what I don't know- what _something_ should I do? And I'm trying not to be over-optimistic but he does look at me a bit differently, sort-of.

I do start conversations, but it's mostly on IM. I'm not really sure what step forward to take. I can't really ask him out and, as my friend I just came out to told me, I don't really seem gay. Hell, I even hinted that to her (quite directly) a while back and she didn't pick it up.

 

[silentalk]

Cut the IM conversations out. If he's gay, you want to get to know him in person. Talk to him about the choir, or anything else you think you have in common. You can ask him something like "so, since when have you been singing?"

Communication is the key element to getting and maintaining a relationship. Talk to him. I'm not sure, however I would say he seems to be into you as well. I might be wrong, but I think it's worth a try.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi again, and thanks for the updates.

I was in a VERY similar situation during my freshman year of college and had a pretty hearty crush on a guy in my psychology class. I kept wondering about him because he would look too, and come sit next to me in a lecture hall that held 300 people, with plenty of wide-open areas.

Anyway, I never made a move on him and didn't know how, regardless. I'm 99% sure he was straight (I always give everyone a 1% chance) and has since gone off and gotten married, with kids, and, looking back, I really think he was/is straight.

What I *did* do, though, is what I recommend you do. Be friendly, talk to him, be and act cool, and make innocent plans outside of school--go have a beer and a pizza, go to a concert, just DO something with him. I wouldn't be a "date," per se, but plans. When you're out, get him talking: What interests him? What are his plans? Hobbies? You know--all the getting to know you stuff that all friends (even straight ones) do.

Once you really get to know him, you'll know whether there's any chance, or even whether he's worth it.

Plan it out, but don't over-plan and be self-conscious and nervous. It's hard to be relaxed and have a good time with someone who's wearing out his clothes from the inside. Just sit back and enjoy his company and friendship and come what may. If nothing else, you'll form a very good friendship (I know I did).

Good luck!

 

[terrorblade]

Oh well, here I am updating this again.
The past few weeks have been hell, and over the past few days I'd actualyl started to hang out with him a lot and for the first time just the two of us.
I was extremely nervous throughout the whole time and couldn't concentrate on courses at all, could barely eat for a few days but thanks to 2 of the 4 people i came out to i managed to maintain my calm, at least for a bit.
Then, on Wednesday I made a mental note that I had to tell him by the end of the week. We kept discussing a lot of stuff in person and IM, we kept the staring for much longer and I thought things were okay.

Then, this morning around 5am (party, no sleep, etc) E came on (the only very good friend i have that is gay) and we kept talking for like 5 hours. He knows it's the first time I actually like a guy so he recommended I take it slow and keep hanging out for about two weeks and tell him after that.

Well, almost said and done, the day went on, I didn't see him at all until I went to give out some presents (a foreign traditional celebration we have at the uni too) because he had given me something last night as well. I talked to him for about 30 minutes in front of his room- he had to go to a tutorial so I left.

About 2 hours later after I went with a friend to take pictures for the yearbook I suddenly had this urge to tell him right away- it just came to me. I've acted rashly when nervous before, so I knew I couldn't really control it. I don't know how it's called, but when I'm extremely stressed and nervous I tend to 'crank' a bit and let it all out at once. I know it's not healthy, but I can't help it.

So, basically after trying to give some 'more obvious' hints than the ones I already gave (which were quite something), over IM again (I couldn't cope with talking to him in person right at that time) I just sent him a longer message and went offline. I was just terrified at that time. I logged on as invisible a few minutes later and could notice he was out to dinner (I haven't went to dinner yet, I'm not hungry at all).

When he got back he told me something like:
'Yeah, I knew and I had realised it a few days ago."
"But I didn't believe it."

Then he said he'll write to me in 30 minutes because he needs to calm down... hell, I need to calm down too, but I don't think I can. Not yet.

So here I am ranting about it since I can't talk to anyone and it's the only way I could think of to get rid of some of this anxiety.
I've never typed this fast ever before, and without gramatical errors. I'm like in a trance. Gah, why does liking someone have to be so damn hard?

 

[silentalk]

Not much to say here... We have to wait and see what his reaction's like...
Tell us what happens...

 

[terrorblade]

Sorry for no updates, but it's been busy.

Well, after a while longer of clearing up his thoughts I just asked whether it would be better if we remained just friends... and he said he didn't want just that. I almost fainted at this point, but after a few short messages he said he needed some fresh air. Instinctually I tried going after him, saw him for a second, then decided it would be best if I took some air too. I saw him a couple times walking the campus grounds, albeit in the distance, and I just said I'll walk on, not just run to him. Besides the fact that that would probably seem desperate, I just knew I had to clear my thoughts too.

Finally, at about 2am we talked... it was kinda awkward for both of us but it made me feel much more at ease. I had the first good sleep in weeks.
We kinda agreed on meeting for brunch but I didn't wake up (apologized afterwards), but I guess things will clear up as we go.

He still says he feels a bit strange, not that I feel way differently... anyway, it's been great to feel everybody's support.
Thanks guys for all your help!