Very confused with my "straight" friend...

[Icecold]

I know you all probably entered this thread thinking I was another 13 year old coming on this site to ask the same question... My situation is a bit different. I am 18, about to graduate high school and there is this guy that I have been best friends with since we were basically in diapers. Over the years we had our arguements and resolutions, and I began to develop feelings for him over the years. I am not out to anyone, especially him, but here is where my question comes up. Last night we had a few drinks going and went to hang out in the hot tub as it was a very cold night. We began talking about stuff, and I asked him if I turned out to be bisexual or gay if he would still be friends with me. He said "I dont care what you are or what you do, you will always be my best friend no matter what". He agreed when I said that gays are people too, and this homophobic world we live in is terrible, why is is so bad that two people are happy loving one another even if they are the same sex? This is where it began to get complicated. He dunked himself under water, and came up and said this: "You remember that time I made out with that girl in your bathroom? haha good times." I was kinda like wtf, because it was off the wall, like he was trying to let me know for sure he wasnt gay. He then began to look very upset, and almost started bawling and told me that he doesnt think he is living the life that god wants him to live. At first, I figured he was talking about the weed and alcohol that he had been meddling with, but then he started to tell me how much he loves me... and how at all times he thinks about me... Little questionable, huh? I gave him a hug bc he looked like he needed one and then I went to the bathroom, and he said "hurry up, because I wanna continue this conversation." He was looking drunk before the conversation, but he began to act alot different when the conversation of gays came up. So what do you all think? was this alcohol talking, or is it possible that he may be harboring some feelings that he can't bring himself to terms with? Is he bisexual/gay? Another thing that happened that might make this sound a little clearer is that only the night before, I stayed the night at his house. He offered to me to sleep in his bed with him, and he kinda in a way pushed for it.. I said that the bed downstairs would be fine , but that it got cold because it really did the last time I slept there, No AC in there I suppose. He said "You can just sleep with me in my big, warm bed" and so I did lol. I didn't think it was normal for two sober dudes to sleep in the same bed, but he sure did... He told me he has slept naked in another dudes bed, with a dude in it, and said "who gives a fuck" but I am sooo confused with all of this and if there is a sure fire way to ask him his orientation without him finding out I want him that would be great. Also, do you all think he might swing both ways? Thank you for reading into this with me, and if you have any questions just ask me... I just really want to know, it has been festering at me for years and I finally want to come to terms with it.

 

[Donovan]

Sounds to me like he's coming to realizations of himself, and you should help him understand his feelings. He said he's slept in a bed naked with another guy, and not too many "straight" guys would do that, even if they were drunk. You should talk with him more about it.

 

[Icecold]

Appreciate the hasty reply, but my question to that is how should I go about that? I don't want to overwhelm him..

 

[CudDULL]

Just let him express himself to you and when you feel the moment is right then just explain to him your feelings too.

 

[Seasoned]

At the appropriate sober time I would start the conversation by asking him what he remembered of the hot tub conversation. Tell him what you remember and then just start asking questions.

 

[Roralot]

He may not know or understand his sexuality yet, and wants to experiment with someone who won't judge him if he does or doesn't realize if he is straight or gay. I think he trusts you to keep his "experimenting" just between you two. Sometimes society and our culture fucks with our head so much that we become unsure of what our sexuality is and we need to test the waters. I think he wants to do it with you so that if he isn't homosexual, his rejection won't offend you. If you think you can handle being his guinea pig, go with the flow so he can discover what his true feelings are.

 

[hotb0d]

I think you know a guy best when he's drunk. Have another fun and drunk night with him and start asking some questions As his best friend, I think you can just ask him if he's bi/gay? But in all honesty, if you have feelings for him then you should tell him first about your sexuality then let him come to term to what he is....if he is bi/gay of course.

 

[trawler69]

Sounds to me like the Guy is trying to come out to you and has a thing for you. He may be being confused or otherwise unsure about it to give him a get out in case you don't have the same feelings. I think the kindest thing for you to do would be to admit to him that you have the same feeling towards him, as you said you did in your original post. This might break the ice and allow you to communicate properly about your feelings and maybe even do a bit of "experimentation" together.

 

[Icecold]

I would, but I might have the same fear he has, that he wont return the favor. If I told him, and he was straight, our friendship would be very different. He does remember everything from that night. How do I tell if he was trying to experiment with me?

Also, I am really confused now.. If he sent me these signals, why would he push for me to invite girls to any get together we have? I was planning one tonight, and all he could say was "bring elysa and nicole"

 

[jaysizzles]

I see it that you have 2 things going on here...first, confiding to your friend that you are gay, and second, finding out whether he is bisexual/gay and attracted to you. I recommend you take the initiative and have a sober conversation with him about it....seems you are ready to as well you are tired of playing the game of "is he or isn't he?" He may be having the same questions run through his head about you too. One of you has to take the first step...may as well be you.

It's great that he had a positive response to the hypothetical possibility that you may be bisexual or gay...he said you'd be best friends anyway. Remind him of what he said as a lead in to admitting to him that you are gay...he'll probably say he already knew you were. Deal with your coming out first and see how that goes. Don't question him about his sexuality...this conversation is about you. He may decide to share some personal details with you as well...or maybe he won't yet...

Try to keep your feelings of desire for him out of it (unless he goes there or seems receptive.) If he is straight...that could very well complicate or ruin your friendship. Even if it turns out that he is bisexual and wants to experiment with you..you have to weigh out the risk involved with how taking it to that level may effect your future friendship with him.

Good luck.

 

[JackFTwist]

Sounds to me like the Guy is trying to come out to you and has a thing for you. He may be being confused or otherwise unsure about it to give him a get out in case you don't have the same feelings. I think the kindest thing for you to do would be to admit to him that you have the same feeling towards him, as you said you did in your original post. This might break the ice and allow you to communicate properly about your feelings and maybe even do a bit of "experimentation" together.

bingo! we have a winner!

 

[bokan800]

You mentioned you're not out. I think the best thing is to help yourself first. How can you help a potential closet case if you yourself are not open about your sexuality.

I wish you the best. Happy Holidays.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

People send all kinds of mixed messages going through this. I suggest you continue to provide him an accepting environment to share his feelings with you and you continue to open yourself up to him. Tell him that you think he's attractive (don't qualify it). You will have this overwhelming desire to say "but not in a sexual way", but just let it hang there.

Also let him know that you are totally okay if people are gay and perhaps a great way to start the conversation is to say, sometimes I think I might be bi.

He is very insecure out this, just as you are. He is asking girls to the event because "it's the manly thing to do". He's overcompensating for a lot of the things he's said to you. He just needs the security of knowing you will be there for him no matter what - JUST LIKE YOU DO.

Trust your instincts and trust people a little more than you do. You are holding back, he's holding back and it's creating a lot of choas in your friendship.

Good luck and keep us informed.

Jeff

 

[Lube]

You have totally nailed the situation.

He is afraid of his religion's contempt for homosexuality, so he doesn't want to admit his feelings.

As I say over and over again, people tend to have friends who are like them in many ways. You're both gay.

But it will probably be hard for him to admit that or say those words ("I'm gay"). So don't push for something so specific from him. Just talk about experiences and feelings. Hug him and touch him while talking, to give him physical contact and let him know you're OK with him. (Actually, it sounds like you're a lot more than OK!).

This might all happen very fast, or it could take time. Just be patient, and take it slow if you have to.

Good luck!

 

[spencer]

Well you heard it from him, himself, that if you were gay, he'd be okay with it 100%.

So instead of trying to figure out what's going on with him, you can come out to him. He'll just have to let you know on his terms. I don't see any harm in asking him questions after you come out to him, but for now you should come clean before asking him to.

 

[Icecold]

Thank you all for the great advice, and helpful tips. Some new developments have happened... last night I tried discussing this more with him, but he was sober. I asked him if he remembered telling me that he didnt care what I was or what I did, he would still be my best friend, and he said "Did I say that???" -_- but earlier this same night he said he remembered everything from last night. Is he afraid I am on to him? is that just wishful thinking? He got pissed when I said if he wanted to talk about anything my doors always open, saying "I can handle it myself..." Then he told me that he thinks that I think he is a shitty person?? WTF I am so utterly confused as of now lol. I feel like if I come out to him now it will send him further in the closet possibly... This is an even more delicate situation, because both of his parents work at a church! his dad's a pastor, his mom a president...

 

[Lube]

His reactions were exactly what I predicted.

Go slowly. Don't blame yourself. Don't talk about specific phrases (being gay, liking men, etc.). Just be comfortable with him. Go slowly. Perhaps even drop the subject for now. Don't push him, or he'll go way deep into the closet.

Be a role model for him. Point out other gay, religious men who can be role models for him (there's a very out gay Episcopal/Anglican bishop: Gene Robinson). Well, don't just blurt out "You can be gay and religious--look at Gene Robinson!". No, no, no.

Instead, say something like, "this gay marriage hullaballo is so crazy. I really respect men like Gene Robinson who are welcoming and can accept gays and be deeply religious at the same time." Talk in generalities (other people), not specifics (him and you).

You see what I'm getting at?

 

[relaxin13]

The first 5-10 people I came out to, I came out to when I was drunk. The first person I told was a friend that I was attracted to. I think, if you get a chance to hang out with him again and you're both in the same mindset as you were in the hot tub, just come out to him. You don't have to tell him about you're attracted to him, but you already know he shouldn't care. I'd just start by saying something like: "You remember how I asked about if you would care if I were gay (/bi/whatever) when we were hanging out in the hot tub? Well, I asked that because..."

I don't think there's really a better way to go about your situation. If you don't want to come out, okay, but you'll accomplish a lot more if you do.

 

[theFallenGod]

I hate to be the fly in the ointment here but ....


He is straight... When you brought up what he would think if you were gay he affirmed that he would still be your best friend... no matter what... but shortly thereafter he not so subtly let you know he was straight by mentioning the incident with the girl in your bathroom.

He also said that "he doesn't think he is living the life that god wants him to live." Which means that he feels like he isn't living up to his "christian values" I think he would only have an issue with this if he were gay and was openly living gay, otherwise it appears that he thinks he isn't living life the "right" way...

As for the drunk talk about thinking about you and loving you ... it's bro talk... you two have known each other for years he's letting you know straight up that no matter what... if you are gay... which he probably already assumes... he would always be cool with you.

Your best bet is to come out to him... YOU need to make the first move... If (and I highly doubt this) he is gay he would be more comfortable coming out if you were honest first. You can't expect someone to just come out to you if you aren't willing to do the same. Especially if it seems like he already has reservations.

As for the other stuff... A lot of gay men don't understand the "bro" aspect of straight men. Many are comfortable joking around and doing what we see as "gay" things but to them is completely innocuous because they don't think the repercussions are ever going to happen. (example... sleeping naked with another guy in a drunken stupor is no different than changing in a locker room... sure both guys are naked but NOT sexual)

Seriously... Come out... it looks like you have a fantastic friend ...a fantastic straight friend... who will completely accept you as you are....but if you want a relationship I would focus on someone other than your best straight bud.




:::edit::: Could he have been a bit upset because you are beating around the bush as well? I mean I would be upset a little too if my best friend appeared to not be able to fully trust me with coming out and had to make sure I was cool and all before doing so. (and not even doing it either)

 

[KaraBulut]

What's missing here is it was your opportunity to tell him that he's your friend, you're glad that he's your friend and that there's nothing that he could tell you that would ever change that.

At someone point, if you want to continue the friendship, you do need to come out to him.

But you're both young and in high school and these things seldom seem to come to resolution while people are still in high school... despite of the drugs, the alcohol, the hot tubs and the sleeping in the same bed.

So, the best you can do is open the door for future conversations when he's ready.