Very confused with my "straight" friend...

[Twisly]

I read your post. but didn't go over the replies, so my reply may already have been said, anyway, here it is.

He was drunk. And many feelings, even those unentertained ones can be brought-up with a drunk conversation. However, this doesn't mean that he is not bi/gay. Maybe he is, but he is just not thinking much of it or exploring the possibilities on the other side lol.

As they say, the best way to know someone's secret is to tell them yours. So, once you've tested the waters, I think it is just time to comeout to him.

And I am sure you'll know who he really is after this.

Just don't do it while hes drunk. lol.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Try not to look for some big resolution. Just try to slowly talk about things with him. When you guys are having a great moment or something - open yourself up to him just a little. Expect NOTHING in return. Tell him you have never messed with a guy before but have thought about it with him. Ask him if he ever felt that way?

Again - if you are weird about it or have some crazy expectation that he's going to leap out of the closet, you are wrong.

Just let your friendship evolve. Eventually ask him if he wants to jack off together sometime. Find something interesting online that's gay and have him look at it with you. There are a million ways to do it.

This is a much more frustrating way to do it, but sounds like you are in a situation that would strain a friendship if you just came out about how you feel.

This help?

 

[theFallenGod]

Don't even ASSUME he may be gay... put that thought out of your head right this moment...


Assume he is straight... PERIOD.

Be open and honest with him about your OWN sexuality. 99.9% chance he will still be your best friend.

Do NOT ask him at all if he is bi or even interested in you at all. If he is and you are honest with him than he will be honest with you. If you try to push your own feelings on to him you will only push him away. ESPECIALLY if he is straight.

If he is having his own dilemmas than he is not going to make the first move... YOU have to because you already KNOW you are gay/bi/whatever. At that point he will know you have had the guts to open up to him and then will he be able to open up to you if he feels the same way.

We as gay men are always to quick too project our own feelings on to others. and in all honesty I think that is what's going on at the moment with you.

He is your best friend ... you have known him for years and he has told you straight up that he would have NO problem with you being gay. We all wish we could have someone that understanding in our lives. So man up and come out to him already. BUT DO NOT ask him if he is.... He has pretty much tried to tell you in no uncertain terms that he is interested in girls.

Do for you before you expect others to do for you. But don't over-reach because should you , you may end up losing a very special friend.

 

[Lube]

Do for you before you expect others to do for you.

Sage advice, indeed.

 

[TX-Beau]

First, grammar is your friend, punctuation is your friend. We can't help you if we can't understand you.

Second, you're very young, and you need to work on yourself before you start worrying about other guys. What do you think will happen if you find out this guy is gay? Rainbows? Moonbeams? Princes on white stallions? He's in the closet if he's gay at all, you're in the closet, and that's not going to go anywhere.

Third, in the absence of incontrovertible (as in he tells you, or you catch him with cock in his mouth) evidence - straight until proven gay. That's more of an M.O. than advice, but unfortunately a closeted gay guy for all intents and purposes is straight anyway. He won't date you, won't become your boyfriend - and if you do manage to bag him, you get to say hello to all the issues and baggage he's carrying, and then you get abandoned when he can't deal.

And really, who needs that?

 

[andy12]

I know you all probably entered this thread thinking I was another 13 year old coming on this site to ask the same question... My situation is a bit different. I am 18, about to graduate high school and there is this guy that I have been best friends with since we were basically in diapers. Over the years we had our arguements and resolutions, and I began to develop feelings for him over the years. I am not out to anyone, especially him, but here is where my question comes up. Last night we had a few drinks going and went to hang out in the hot tub as it was a very cold night. We began talking about stuff, and I asked him if I turned out to be bisexual or gay if he would still be friends with me. He said "I dont care what you are or what you do, you will always be my best friend no matter what". He agreed when I said that gays are people too, and this homophobic world we live in is terrible, why is is so bad that two people are happy loving one another even if they are the same sex? This is where it began to get complicated. He dunked himself under water, and came up and said this: "You remember that time I made out with that girl in your bathroom? haha good times." I was kinda like wtf, because it was off the wall, like he was trying to let me know for sure he wasnt gay. He then began to look very upset, and almost started bawling and told me that he doesnt think he is living the life that god wants him to live. At first, I figured he was talking about the weed and alcohol that he had been meddling with, but then he started to tell me how much he loves me... and how at all times he thinks about me... Little questionable, huh? I gave him a hug bc he looked like he needed one and then I went to the bathroom, and he said "hurry up, because I wanna continue this conversation." He was looking drunk before the conversation, but he began to act alot different when the conversation of gays came up. So what do you all think? was this alcohol talking, or is it possible that he may be harboring some feelings that he can't bring himself to terms with? Is he bisexual/gay? Another thing that happened that might make this sound a little clearer is that only the night before, I stayed the night at his house. He offered to me to sleep in his bed with him, and he kinda in a way pushed for it.. I said that the bed downstairs would be fine , but that it got cold because it really did the last time I slept there, No AC in there I suppose. He said "You can just sleep with me in my big, warm bed" and so I did lol. I didn't think it was normal for two sober dudes to sleep in the same bed, but he sure did... He told me he has slept naked in another dudes bed, with a dude in it, and said "who gives a fuck" but I am sooo confused with all of this and if there is a sure fire way to ask him his orientation without him finding out I want him that would be great. Also, do you all think he might swing both ways? Thank you for reading into this with me, and if you have any questions just ask me... I just really want to know, it has been festering at me for years and I finally want to come to terms with it.

What are you waiting for? "Gee, he told me likes me, he's conflicted with his sexuality, we slept in the same bed... is he gay?" Yes, he's a homo, all the way. So are you. Now stop wasting time here and tell him.

 

[Icecold]

I feel like I should just forget it for now. It seems to me that he is going through many problems at the moment, and his sexuality is still hidden. I have been thinking, and I don't think he has ever had a solid relationship with a woman in his whole life. Length, maybe. But quality relationships that had meaning, I have never seen. He has been single for almost a year. It is very frusturating !! I have been dropping subtle hints that I am gay for a while now, but still nothing but a few hugs and "I love you"s. I want to know if this could really be the situation, that he is gay and possibly into me, or if it is just my own desires. I feel like the things he has been doing point him to be both gay and straight in some ways. lol.

 

[rareboy]

You're both overcomplicating things.

Just tell him outright that you're a homo for heaven's sakes and let him do with it what he will.

Otherwise you're both wasting your lives.

 

[Kyanimal]

Damn! I wish I had run across this thread when it was first posted!

There's another Dynamic going on here that no one else has seemed to catch! Your friend is a Preacher's Kid! Well ... so am I! (I hope I can keep this short ...)

My Great Grandparents, my Grandparents, my Dad, and all my uncles, and male cousins, on Dad's side, are/were Ministers! I'm the first male, in several generations, that didn't go into the Church! But, even just being a "first generation" Preacher's Kid can come with some pretty heavy "baggage"!

And, it's not my (immediate) family that's the problem. It's their Public! Everyone knew who I was, but I didn't always know who They were! Imagine being raised with hundreds of "unknown" parents! I had to be exceedingly careful with every move I ever made! More than just my own reputation was riding on it!!

Backtrack a bit ...

I "knew" I was gay by the time I was 10, or so. However, I dated girls into my late 20's. It was mainly all for "Show"! Granted, I nearly married 5, or 6, of them, but I didn't because I always knew my Secret! And, yeah!, I truly did Care for them! It's not like I was being a total ass! Still ... it was what was "expected" of me ... I was fulfilling my "Role" ...

And, yeah!, there were also some guys in there that I was "playing with", too. But, that was only after I was, without any doubt, SURE that I could Completely TRUST them! And, you have NO idea how "dicey" that could be! People, in general, love to "Blab"!!

With the guys, I never went beyond the mutual "exploring thing", as most Str8 guys will tend to do with each other, until I was 500mi. away from Home, in college! During my general teens, they were all just too close to Home for "comfort"! And, even 500mi. away, I STILL had to be careful, given my too well known surname!

Side bar: Just imagine running into a Bishop, and his wife, in Provincetown, of all places!

There's a hell of a lot more to My story, and I haven't even touched on the whole "Religion thing". However ... let's get back to You and your Friend ...

Given his particular "circumstances", YOU will definitely have to be the one to break the "Ice", and confide in, come out to, Him! Don't let the "chicks thing" throw you off! All that could very well be a "Cover" ... or, maybe not ... but, trust me, it doesn't really matter one way or the other.

If He is ever going to fully TRUST You, YOU must first Trust HIM! Completely!! DO NOT Hold Back! Tell Him what You are truly, honestly, feeling and thinking! Even if he is Str8 (which I doubt from what you've told us, at least not "totally" Straight), and since you've been good friends for so long, he still needs to Know your "Secret" first! And, Never, Ever, EVER, talk about Him to someone else! I don't care Who it is! Just DON'T do that!! (It WILL get back to Him, some way, eventually! Let me repeat ... People love to Blab!!)

How will He take it? I don't fully know because I don't know Him! But, I DO know that if You are hoping He might take a "leap", You have to be the one to jump off that cliff first! Scary? Yeah! But in spite of how long, and well, you've known Him, I'm willing to bet You still don't have any idea just how much higher that cliff seems to be to Him!

Follow Your Heart! TRUST Your Friend! If it feels like it will all fall apart, I'm pretty sure that He will catch You!!

No matter what ... Seriously ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[tommyj]

Are u guys going to the same college i thought I read? Maybe just save it for then...You can have many drunken 'sations (hey a new word!) there away from the home and he may open up in a new environment.

 

[spencer]

I asked him if he remembered telling me that he didnt care what I was or what I did, he would still be my best friend, and he said "Did I say that???"

Name a friend that wouldn't think you were gay if you asked them this?

Would you care if I were gay or not? = hey I'm gay. So obviously he's on to you.

I feel like ever since that drunken night, he uses any chance he can get to talk about chicks. " I went to this party and got so drunk, and started fooling around with chicks" "bring girls so it's not a sausage fest" etc... Is this his way of defending his sexuality?

Yes, ever since you told him you were gay. He makes it a point to say he's not. Wait, you didn't tell him you're gay, you implied. Wait, he didn't tell you he's straight, but he keeps on implying it over and over.

I have been dropping subtle hints that I am gay for a while now, but still nothing but a few hugs and "I love you"s.

Since you always say I love you and always hug. Those aren't subtle hints. The are the norm. He doesn't see it any more or less gay since you've always been doing that.

I would pose a question about his sexual life (drinks but not drunk). Tell him you're a virgin and you wonder what it would be like with a woman and ask him what it's like. (be fascinated by it and ask questions) Then ask him if he's ever been with a dude or thought about it. Then say, you're not sure if that would necessarily be a bad thing and ask him what he thinks. Now that is a hint. Go from there.

 

[catee222]

I was in a similar situation and was struggling for months trying to find out my best friend's/crush's sexuality, except we're both 23 and have been friends for around 7 years. He's a very open-minded/chill yet shy guy and I did the wrong thing by assuming he's not straight just because of his 100% inexperience with women. I became a lot more physically affectionate with him when my feelings developed and he didn't appear to be creeped out by it, which also made me think I had a chance with him, but he never reciprocated because he's not really a touchy-feely guy. I also looked too deep into things that "typical" straight guys would not do such as not follow sports, constantly write "lol" and use smileys when talking online, and the fact that he was reading the Twilight series and saw the movies also made me think that he must be at least bi, but no (turned out his main reason for getting into the series was to impress and try to go out with a girl who ended up putting him in the friend zone).

I couldn't take it anymore and I was constantly getting moody. So one night, I just had to come out to him and it turned out he had no problem with it, but let me know that he's straight. Throughout the next month after coming out to him, he acted like a normal friend (being the same flirty kind of guy) and my feelings for him felt like they were getting stronger. Part of me thought that there's no way he's straight. I then found out (without him telling me) that he created an online dating profile with pictures and legit information about him saying that he was seeking women--this killed me. I also found out that he joined a dating/singles advice forum a few months ago and posted topics on how he could get with "Twilight Girl" which led to "how to still get with Twilight Girl even after being in the friend zone" to "why is Twilight Girl ignoring me?" He also had a sad post thinking that he's destined to be alone and that there's not a woman out there for him.

So at this point, I thought that there was absolutely no way he'd ever be interested in me, let alone another guy. I felt so bad, that I ended up confessing my crush to him because it was driving me insane and I thought that he needed to know why I've been acting strange around him the past few months. He said it wasn't surprising because "it put him in the field so to speak" being that I'm bi, but thought it was a bit disturbing and it weirded him out a bit. We didn't talk for a couple of days after that and I sent him an IM wishing him a merry christmas. He surprisingly replied back and then started telling me about his day and we talked. We then hung out with mutual friends the next day and we acted like I never confessed my crush to him. I thought it was kind of awkward, so a few days later I just brought it up to him to make sure we're cool. He told me that even though it was a little disturbing, he wasn't going to hate me for it because that would be wrong. He also said he doesn't want a silly thing like this to end our friendship, that I should just be a normal friend around him, and to not cross any boundaries.


Ya, I know this was long, but I did this to let you know that depending on how close you and your friend are (it appears to be you guys are like brothers), something like this will not destroy the friendship and it will end up passing over. You should come out to him first and see where that leads. Seems like he'll accept you based on that initial reaction in the hot tub. I would not confess my crush unless it's REALLY driving you crazy, as it did for me. Sounds like you could be turned away from him more romantically/sexually because it seems he talks a lot about girls. My crush rarely talks about girls because of his shyness and that's one of the reasons why I needed to say something. Fortunately, because of my friend's personality, he's still sticking around, but I don't think that would've been the case for many other straight guys. It's been a week since my friend and I cleared things up, and I'm trying my best to move on and find a new love interest while it appears he's doing the same after getting rejected by Twilight Girl. I'm thinking it will either bring our friendship closer or we will slowly drift apart as time passes, who knows? The same thing will happen between you and your friend. Everyone else here has given great advice, just come out to him when the time is right and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Lube]

^ He read the Twilight series just to get on with a Twilight Girl?

I don't believe that for a second. He's a flamer in my book.

I think your story hasn't ended, yet. Give it 6 months.

 

[KaraBulut]

He told me that even though it was a little disturbing, he wasn't going to hate me for it because that would be wrong. He also said he doesn't want a silly thing like this to end our friendship, that I should just be a normal friend around him, and to not cross any boundaries.

This is the way it should always go.

My crush rarely talks about girls because of his shyness and that's one of the reasons why I needed to say something. Fortunately, because of my friend's personality, he's still sticking around, but I don't think that would've been the case for many other straight guys. It's been a week since my friend and I cleared things up, and I'm trying my best to move on and find a new love interest while it appears he's doing the same after getting rejected by Twilight Girl.

He sounds like a nice guy. It's a shame that you don't know a nice bookish girl to fix him up with.

 

[catee222]

^ He read the Twilight series just to get on with a Twilight Girl?

lol, he never told me that, but my other close guy friends and I believe that's the reason why he's into the series, because he doesn't appear to be the Twilight-reading type. She's a die-hard fan obviously so it gives him something to talk about with her.

 

[catee222]

^ He read the Twilight series just to get on with a Twilight Girl?

I don't believe that for a second. He's a flamer in my book.

I think your story hasn't ended, yet. Give it 6 months.

Hmmm, thought I'd update you as it's been five months. He's still swimming in my pond (meaning we're still close), but hasn't come anywhere near my fishing rod, and I seriously doubt any type of bait will lure him in unless I have tits and a vagina. In fact, he actually subscribed to a pay dating site a couple of months ago, but so far hasn't had much luck with it. He also still has a thing for "twilight" girl and from what I heard from her roommate, he privately asked her to hang out again just the two of them, but she doesn't seem to be biting.