Ruby, snapcat - thanks for asking.
My grandmother continues to hang on, albeit by a very thin string. Her health has deteriorated a lot since last I wrote. She hardly eats anything -- perhaps a bowl of Cheerios in the morning and a fruit cup or a piece of toast at night -- but that's all she can eat. Even that she doesn't really want as she's never hungry.
Her strength continues to slip away. Walking the 30 feet from the kitchen table to the bedroom requires at least two stops to rest. When I walk her to bed, its as if I'm teaching a one year old how to walk. Her steps are all over the place, and she can't support herself.
She has full conversations with dead relatives, and often sees things that aren't there, yet she'll say a few moments later "I'm losing my mind, aren't I?" She sometimes thinks she'll get better soon, but we all know the reality of that. She's now receiving hospice care and they come a few times a week to help the family and her.
The other night as I helped her to bed she started crying and telling me that if this was it that she just wanted to go and can't "do this" any longer. I held my composure with all my strength and told her that if that is what she wants, it's ok to go and that although we'd all miss her, we'd be ok. After a minute or so she calmed down, I tucked her in and she settled down to watch her favorite show, Nancy Grace. I went back home next door and cried my eyes out.
Its so difficult to see a woman who, up until a month and a half ago, was so strong and full of life be reduced to this. I know I won't remember her this way, but it's still difficult to watch. It's tearing up my dad inside, although he won't let on too much. My sister is also torn up and my brother deals with it by not being around too much. I understand we all deal differently but I can't imagine not being able to spend as much time with the matriarch of our family as possible before she goes.
Her skin is starting to take on the color of death, and she sleeps 20 hours a day. Her body is beginning to shut down and I don't think she'll make her birthday on March 23.
She wants to be cremated, which surprised me because I thought she would want to be buried next to her husband, my grandfather, but I guess that's not the case. Although it's a bit maudlin, we're starting to talk about the memorial service and what we'd like to do for it. I told dad I don't want it to be creepy, as I know she doesn't want that. I want it to be a celebration of her life, not a mourning.
We started going through some old family photos and I've been scanning them into my computer where I'll make up a nice slide show to have at the memorial service. I'm attaching a photo of her when she was 16 years old, and her wedding picture to my grandfather. That wedding photo is one of my favorite photos of all time. It's so glamorous and reminds me of an era I strongly identify with. I swear I should've been born during the 20's.
Thank you for listening. It definitely helps a little to write it all down, and although I've been mostly browsing here as of late my posting has been limited due to me spending as much time with her.
