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Watching a family member die

You know death never becomes easier. I am a funeral director and I am around death everyday. I still get emotional at funerals knowing that was someones grandmother/father, dad/mom, aunt/uncle, brother/sister, etc. When the time comes it is going to be the hardest. You have to look back on all the good times you had with her to help you make it through to the next day. Her memorial service should be a celebration of her life. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Although her physical health is as good as its going to get, and she's more mobile and eating regularly she's incredibly depressed. For the past two days she's cried nonstop, and it's more painful to watch that than watch her physically decline. She's on an antidepressant but it doesn't seem to be doing much right now, so I've told my father to call her GP and see if he can up the dosage. God, watching your grandmother sob uncontrollably and not being able to do a thing about it is worse than anything I could've imagined in this process.
 
Buddy, you hang in there! Would she be able to take a car ride and see something outside the house this weekend? Perhaps a change of some sort could help out.

My thoughts are with you and I know that you have the strength to make it through this.

(*8*)
 
Inwood, sorry to hear your grandmother is so depressed. Calling the doctor is a good plan and I also like Snaps idea.

Just continue to spend time with her and try to reassure her that everything is okay.
 
Inwood ....

How have things been going? I just wanted to check in to see how everything has been going this past month.

(*8*)
 
Well, interesting developments in the week I was away on business...

Grandma has been doing very well the past month or so. She has been getting three square meals a day, lots of rest, and virtually no stress, so she's bounced back very well, much to the surprise of, well, everyone including her doctors.

However, the past two weeks she's been acting like a petulant child, crying and yelling at everyone around her that she wants to go home. She would moan to anyone who would listen, and we all told her that she has nobody to go home to and wouldn't get the same care she's getting with us. I guess she finally wore my dad down because when I got home late Saturday night she was sent home earlier in the day. She'll have four hours of hospice care each day but that's not enough. She needs someone there full time to take care of her, clean the house, feed her meals, make sure she's taking the proper medication, and everything else. I hope she doesn't start to eat crap again and not take care of herself and wind up back in the hospital, which we all can see happening but she doesn't want to hear it. All she wanted was to be at home.

So, we now play the 'wait and see' game once again. She was told that if she feels overwhelmed she is always welcome to come back to us but she is one of the most stubborn people I know and she'd rather live in squalor than suck up her pride and come back out to us. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for asking about her, Snaps. :)
 
kevbo said:
(*8*)

I've been talking recently with my grandma about her dying. She tells me she is ready. She's only 73, which I think is still young. At first, I was a little disoriented by her readiness, but after a while, I was alright with it, too.
Click to expand...

NO thats old.
lots of people died before that.
 
Oh, I can so totally relate to older people being stubborn! No doubt it is a big adjustment to lose one's freedoms. I've found that they get cranky when they feel bad.

The important thing to keep in mind is that you made sure that she is aware of her choices before her. Sometimes being in familiar surroundings does make for a feeling of happiness. Plus they do love to get their way, so she might look at going back as some sense of accomplishment.

Just let her know that the door is always open if she wants to go back. You're doing everything you can do.

Let us know how things are going!
 
She's gone.

Yesterday morning at around 6am my grandmother died. I got the phone call at 7:30am while still in NC for our friends' wedding. Fortunately the wedding was on Saturday so the 11 hour drive to and fro was not a wash. But it certainly put a somber mood on the drive home.

I'm glad she finally is at peace and is no longer suffering. She had gone home as I mentioned earlier, and was doing well for a while but she was a stubborn old bird and didn't want to hear "gram, you have to slow down!" She went about her business as if everything was fine, and pushed herself too far. Her congestive heart failure just couldn't keep up with her and put her into a bad state. She was completely bed ridden the last week, and was on morphine so she wasn't uncomfortable. The last few days she hadn't been eating so we knew it wasn't long before the inevitable. She went in her sleep and without pain -- we couldn't ask for a better way.

She didn't want any fuss made and wanted to be cremated, but dad and my uncle are insisting on a service today and tomorrow. She'll get to be cremated, thankfully. I've been fine so far but I think I'm going to be a mess later today at the service. They are doing an open casket, which I think is absolutely ghoulish. I don't want to remember her lying in a box. I want to remember the vivacious and loving grandmother she was, and still is in my heart. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it together later today. We were very close.

To all of you who have posted well wishes both here in this thread and in private, thank you. It means a lot.
 
Inwood,

My thoughts and sympathies are with you as you go through this latest and final experience of your Grandmother's struggles, and yours. Somehow I had missed the earlier story of your loved one's descent into the final days. You told it most poignantly, yet with a great deal of dignity and love. You stood quite strong and tall throughout this family chronicle. Thank you for taking the time and effort to share yours and your family's stories. Perhaps by telling her story you have magnified the worth of her life, simply by holding up a mirror wherein we all might see the little things that make up these lives we so cherish.

Kind thoughts to you today and always.(*8*)
 
I'm so sorry for your loss
 
Dear Guy, I'm so very sorry at your sad loss.
When the memorial service is over and you can think again, remember her bustling around as you said she did. Keep all your memories and she will always be there, just away in another place. Her love will always be with you.
Thinking of you
Harry
 
I just stumbled across this thread and wanted to say that I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through right now. In October, we lost my grandfather on my dad's side to cancer, watching him wither away to nothing, and then to see his last few days of life basically asleep, not responding. It was the first time I had to deal with death since my grandfather on my mothers side died in 1990. It was so hard. Then in November, my grandmother on my mom's side ends up in the hospital for a month. We learned that her colon cancer had come back, and spread to her stomach and lungs. There was nothing they could do for her. She was sent home with my uncle and his wife with hospice care, where she is still today. We have watched her wither away, and be in pain, and it's unbearable to watch. The doctors told us it could be 2 weeks to 6 months, they didn't know. I'm sorry to ramble on, but I couldn't help relating your situation to my own. Again, I'm sorry for your loss, but just know that she is at peace now.
 
I'm very sorry for your loss, inwood. As, I've told you before, she was lucky to have surrounded by a caring, loving family. So many go their rewards alone. She is with God, now. She is in a better place. Again, my deepest condolences to you and your family. You'll be in my prayers, tonight.
 
Mike, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you so much for sharing her memory with us here. You are an amazing grandson! You've kept her spirit high these past months, and I know she appreciates all that you have done.

Much love to ya' buddy!

(*8*)
 
I watched my grandfather die from a painful, painful, type of cancer. It was horrible. He died in my grandparent's living room.

Then a month later my grandfather (who lives up north), died from the same thing. I still regret not being able to see or talk to him before he died. We tried to make it up there to see him, and he died the night before we made it to my grandparent's house.

Just be there with her and talk to her. I know it means a lot to her and it will mean a lot to you later on.

My thoughts are with you.
 
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