well.... it's true.

[Soilwork]

My parents got a bit bugged with me when they called me for Christmas.

Apparently my sister's sperm donor* had to go to Asia because his brother lost his shit and had to be rescued and brought back to Canada. Seems that with like 8 kids in his family (or something) all but one are seriously bi-polar. It runs in the family. Which is why my sister chose him as her live-in sperm donor. Clever.

So my sister's two vanity offspring will most likely start showing symptoms of bipolar disorder in about 10-12 years (that's when it starts to show).

My parents are used to me talking about that but they got a bit bugged when I said "and by that time she's going to be a single mother, twice divorced with two bipolar teenagers... you think I wanna get anywhere near THAT stink in a fridge?"

Some people are so touchy. I was just explaining why I cut off all contact with her and won't return her calls or emails or acknowledge her vanity offspring exist. You think that in 30 years I'm going to want to be having to run around the world and rescue someone from a Turkish prison because they can't stay on their meds?



*(they keep insisting on calling him her husband but I remind them that the marriage came long after the vanity offspring once his hen-pecking mother and sisters lost their shit that he had two kids and no wedding band. Besides... I fought my whole adult life for one marriage... as far as I'm concerned, you get one. Everything after that is just a legal arrangement and nothing more.)

 

[Soilwork]

Yeah.. and I know that.

I guess that the years of them shushing me down the moment I looked like I might mention being gay... the years that they made up silly lies for me to tell the neighbors so nobody would know I was gay... the years I wasted NOT saying things because it would upset other people and in the process leading me to nearly drink myself to death at 23... I guess I find it's much better if we're all just a bit more honest with each other instead of lying to ourselves to save someone's feelings.

(I'm watching TDH part 2, by the way.)

 

[pat grimshaw]

******************

 

[Soilwork]

I do not have a brother in law. Legally, she married the sperm donor but that is all he'll ever be. They all lost their shit because they're all bipolar and they apparently lose their shit on a semi-regluar basis. Or so I'm told. I've never met any of them. Nor would I want to.

When I was getting pressure to fly to the Atlantic Provinces and take part in the silly charade of their "marriage," I asked my mother "why the fuck are they bothering? They've lived together for 5 years in two different countries, have two kids, own two houses and are a fully-functioning family already... and they're having a big huge church wedding with a big white dress, a big huge party, 5 "showers" and 187 guests?"

And my mother's answer was "well, his mother and sisters were pressuring him.. he's one of 8 children and none of them are married so they wanted him to do it."

Which is just more proof to me that it's all just a big joke. They did it for a party and my sister went along for the mountain of gifts she got and all the attention. And when *I* am calling someone an attention whore, that's a pretty big problem.

 

[Soilwork]

(I am having a HP night on NYE watching Pt 1 and Pt 2 back to back. That's how I party. Point and laugh. But at least I wake up without a headache, and not in jail...)

Oh. I told you that story. Right.

Anyway... having the marathon myself tonight. Boxing Day at the Mark house.

 

[Soilwork]

ANyway... Stay strong, Stacy.

People hate it when you tell them the truth and people hate YOU when you don't hold back. Sometimes you have to smack them in the face just to get their attention, after all.

 

[Ninja108]

One thing I refuse to do for family members is to enable them if they are doings things such as drugs or criminal activity. And if that means being honest, so be it.

 

[star-warrior]

On the off chance one of her kids does grow up and discover its gay jeans, how would you react?

Parents reap what they sow. Children become their side show mirrors, distorting caricatures of themselves, until they discover their independence and own interests. But they may dislike the parts of themselves that they see in their parents, and try not to show they're like that. It would be unfair to judge them till they have their own independent personalities and the freedom to choose their course in life.

Honesty without restraint especially for fragile egos is asking for trouble. T'is the season to be jolly, so here's a Santa pic for your amusement

 

[Soilwork]

Anyway. Family is bullshit. Just because they're blood, it doesn't make them your responsibility. I know you are simply pontificating (sorry, big words tonight) about events but remember, no matter what "they" say, family is who you choose to be a part of your life. Not who you were born into.

And. Happy Boxing Day.

It feels so good to have someone say that when part of me was thinking I was going to be getting mostly people saying I should "just bite the bullet and go.. it will mean a lot to them" or "those kids are going to want to know you one day" or "you can't pick your family."

And any family that doesn't take you is nuts. Any family would be lucky to have you.

 

[Soilwork]

On the off chance one of her kids does grow up and discover its gay jeans, how would you react?

I don't think I understand the question.

 

[star-warrior]

When the child grows up and phoned you out of the blue to admit s/he was gay would you want to give any advice to her/him or just hang up the phone because she's your sister sprog?

 

[Soilwork]

When the child grows up and phoned you out of the blue to admit s/he was gay would you want to give any advice to her/him or just hang up the phone because she's your sister sprog?

Not interested in having them in my life. They have a lesbian aunt. Let them call her.

 

[Soilwork]

Or let them call their own parents. My family are all quite pro-gay.

My estrangement and that of my brothers have nothing to do with our sexuality. It has to do with walking away from the asylum.

 

[star-warrior]

 

[blackbeltninja]

Not interested in having them in my life. They have a lesbian aunt. Let them call her.

If I could be blunt, Jasun, which it seems you're a proponent of... it seems to me you're more interested in projecting your persona of being proud to be an arsehole come hell or high water than actually doing anything else.

I'm beginning to think you like the arsehole tag so much that you go out of your way to do things to be called one, simply so you can tell people that you know you are one and don't mind being called one.

Quite frankly, you don't come off to me as independent, forthright, to-the-point or headstrong, just selfish.

-d-

 

[Ram]

I have an uncle who was (or is) hooked on drugs and had been in prison like a billion times. Every time he gets out of jail, he expects everyone to respect him, as if nothing has happened. He gets drunk at all our parties. Violently if the party is not up to his standard. Nobody seems to care that this is a dangerous, out-of-control, irresponsible pathetic excuse of a man. He constantly leaves behind his wife and their only kid to fend for themselves. And yet the entire family seems to think this is a-ok. They pretend like nothing has happened and they continue to invite him for family functions. Whenever I question my dad and another uncle and beg them to cut him off completely, they use the whole "blood-is-thicker" "family must stick together" bullshit to reason with me.

I gave up trying to reason with them and decide not to let this walking human cancer into my life. My family and my kids (in the future of course) will have nothing to do with him. I know where you are coming from.

But I completely don't agree with you shutting out her kids. In this whole affair btw you and your sister, they are probably innocent and they certainly don't deserve your hatred. It does seem that you are cutting them out of your life because they are bipolar and that just seems discriminatory. If one of them calls you because he's gay and has a gay-problem or whatever, please don't put down the phone. You may not necessarily want to be his family but that doesn't mean you stop being a decent human being.

 

[oakpope]

I guess I find it's much better if we're all just a bit more honest with each other instead of lying to ourselves to save someone's feelings.

I may be wrong, but I think total honesty might be a selfish act. It feels great, sure, at the moment to tell our truth to someone, consequences be damned, but I believe truth can be keep to oneself if it may be better that way to the others. I don't mean that we should lie all the time, far from it, only that sometimes reserve and discretion are best.

You have obviously great rage in you, and it may make you feel a little bit better, but in long term hurting your parents and sister are not probably the best way to make peace with your past life.

I know it is far from an easy thing, but forgiveness can be a great way to find peace.

Happy holidays to you !

 

[chrisw87]

Feels good to vent doesn't it

I usually keep issues to myself, but once in a while they need to be addressed. Tosh to all that "if you have nothing nice to say..." garbage.

If things go in a random nonsensical direction for long enough and it annoyed me, I'd pop out commentary like that too.

 

[Soilwork]

Quite frankly, you don't come off to me as independent, forthright, to-the-point or headstrong, just selfish.

-d-

I won't argue that. Years of being bulldozed over in the interest of making everyone else's life better or easier or more pleasant has shown me that's the best policy.

For years I would be told I was going to visit them for Christmas, march break and a month in the summer. I would do this or they would stop paying for my university. I would be subjected to endless berating over how I dress, the words I used and the way I pronounced them (instead of keeping my ugly-sounding Atlantic Canadian drawl and common words, I chose to adopt a central Canadian accent and stopped speaking like the Nova Scotia version of the Beverly Hillbillies).

I wasn't liked or welcome at all.. But, it was explained to me, the neighbors would "star to talk" if I didn't come and play the part of the son they'd have rather had. I was told if they ask you about ______, just say "______" and was given a set of per-written lies. When I asked why it was so important that I lie to the neighbors, I was told "well you know how they do go on about people and I just can't bear the thought of them saying that about me."

Every time I would be in public and utter more than a four-word sentence, my mother would give me a combination angry and terrified look, make the "ssshhhh" gesture and then in the car on the way home, my parents and sister would berate me for "making such a scene" or "putting on that way."

I realized that what the neighbors and the friends from "down the way" thought was much more important than my feelings or mental health.

So yes. Selfish is what I became. And I think that many of the "poor me, mommy won't love me if I'm gay and how do I turn my straight friend gay because I'm in the closet... Should I get him drunk" people here at JUB could use a bit of selfishness I their diet.

 

[Soilwork]

In the end, maybe it is immaterial whether we regret having to sever ties, or we relish it. *Some people take their angst to a wailing wall --- others vent on JUB.

That's very true. I still remember the first time I finally refused to recite the lines they wrote for me and the first time I finally said "no." It was a wonderful feeling. It was like breaking out of prison.

I still get a rather euphoric feeling when my family tries to bring me back in a bit. Asks me to come to her latest wedding or come visit.*

I tell them, honestly, that "your new family doesn't want to meet your brother the pornographer." They come back with "well you don't have to tell them that," but the truth is that I DO.*

Their culture is about prying into people's lives. They will ask me what I do and I'll tell them "I make movies, I'm a director." that isn't something they hear much in Nova Scotia and they will try to wring every detail out of me. I refuse to lie for my family anymore so... I will tell them all the details. So you see, I DO have to tell them. *Or just don't go.

People in little towns that are run on gossip don't take coy answers or Half the story.*

*Like you, I have one sibling (out of four) that I reached a terminus with. *He brought four children into the world in a violent and loveless marriage. *He bounces in and out of jail and rarely works. *His drug addiction is a symptom of his disarray. *If I had a partner, I'd have offered to take his children, but I don't, so the logistics of working and raising them won't work for me. *Finally, he left his wife to have an affair with her sister-in-law, so he could have a fifth kid. *Even so, Darwin, quickly come. . .

The problem with my sister is nothing like that. But she's made some very bad life decisions that are going to have some very serious consequences for decades to come and I don't want to have to pay that price. I've been thrust into the line of fire for her enough.*