What has happened to manners and civility?

[peeonme]

I just want to take a moment to say thank you to peeonme for such a lovely thread.And to all of you,thank you so much for participating with such wonderful replies.Have a great day everyone.

You are very welcome!

 

[palbert]

I remember an instructive story:

WOMAN, walking though doorway held open by MAN: "You didn't need to open that because I'm a woman."

MAN: "I didn't. I did it because I'm a gentleman."

 

[Kahaih]

You are very welcome!

Spooky

But, he may make you perform other tricks - some, perhaps, of an unsavory nature.

Beware the Jubsman who can train a mouse to tap night and day on the [Ctrl] key.

YWIA

 

[xbuzzerx]

Also: assholes can be found everywhere when it comes to "customer service". Some of the nicest, friendliest customer service workers I've ever encountered have been at Walmart.

Of course. I used it only as the easiest example of what "service business" has become in the U.S., where people are shopping there largely because of prices and because shopping there previously put smaller competitors all out of business so there's not a lot of other choices anyway, and not on any high value placed on service-- certainly no great desire from Americans as customers to pay for decent service.

 

[-Kane-]

The OP is right. While "manners and civility" can be taught to those who lack it, it's best application can be seen from those who were taught during their childhood.

Here's another point. Assholes can clearly see who's self esteem is affected by their lack of manners or unwillingness to exchange a simple pleasantry (such as good morning/good afternoon). Your body language tells the world what you don't want them to know. When you say thank you to another person, let it be for YOUR well being, not theirs.

 

[peeonme]

The OP is right. While "manners and civility" can be taught to those who lack it, it's best application can be seen from those who were taught during their childhood.

Here's another point. Assholes can clearly see who's self esteem is affected by their lack of manners or unwillingness to exchange a simple pleasantry (such as good morning/good afternoon). Your body language tells the world what you don't want them to know. When you say thank you to another person, let it be for YOUR well being, not theirs.

That is some of the best advise I have ever read, Thank you.

 

[journo25]

I certainly don't feel this way. I have no problem saying "you're welcome." I'll say "sure" or "no problem" sometimes but "you're welcome" the most.

I always say "you're welcome." In fact, I say it pointedly, with a big smile, when some asshole fails to say "thank you."

"No problem" is, for me, a problem.

 

[dereperez]

I noticed the other day that one couple and one family of three walked through a door I held open as though I was their servant and they expected me to do so.

I always hold the door for anyone if closing it would risk hitting them in the face...I still will...and I told myself that the number of courteous versus rude people is huge...maybe 95% courteous to 5% not...so why waste any time thinking about the jerks as they already take up too much time in other people's lives that could be better spent...then I let it go.

I always hold the door open for the next person or group too. I don't even think about it, it's just second-hand nature. I don't necessarily think the door will hit their faces, but I just think it's a bit "rude" to just let the door swing back towards someone. I'd say your guesstimate of 95% courteous and 5% not is about right...

 

[xbuzzerx]

I always hold the door open for the next person or group too. I don't even think about it, it's just second-hand nature. I don't necessarily think the door will hit their faces, but I just think it's a bit "rude" to just let the door swing back towards someone. I'd say your guesstimate of 95% courteous and 5% not is about right...

I think it's a "hassled parent" thing... there are definitely parents out there that just look like they're having a bad day (or maybe they are always having a bad day) handling their kids and when you hold a door open for them or extend them some kind of courtesy they are just too overwhelmed with making sure all their kids get in (or yelling at one to stop poking his sister or to stop screaming) that they completely forget you are even standing there. Or sometimes I get the really muffled "thanks" in between breaths as they go back to yelling instructions at their kids. And I'm sure probably some smaller number of them simply expect accomodation to be accorded to them because they have a lot of kids.

 

[dereperez]

Etiquette is indeed a two way street, not merely demonstrating one's own manners of respect.

When one speaks, it is polite and expected to reply, and in polite manner.

When a clerk receives payment, the custom in many cultures is to thank the buyer for the purchase. In response, the buyer either thanks the cashier/seller, nods in acknowledgment, or in some other way expresses gratitude at the purchase. It is not overly eloquent, it is not overly mannerly, nor is it archaic.

In an era in which cashiers may be talking to another employee/manager/bagger/buddy, and the purchaser may be on the phone, or carrying on a conversation with a child/friend/parent, the retention of courtesy helps maintain a respectful interaction.

To Kahaih's point, I've noted in the past couple of decades a progressive tendency of cashiers to reply with "no problem," which conveys a different message than the traditional "you're welcome." It suggests that the buyer is a potential source of trouble, disruption, or annoyance to the cashier, and it seems to overturn the onus of obligation. The same cashier rarely speaks a "thank you" at the sale and seems to view the transaction as being a service to the buyer. The old paradigm was that the buyer was selecting the seller and the thank you was for doing so.

There is also a class of teller/cashier who responds to "thank you" with "uh-huh!" Ack!

The refusal to utter "you're welcome" has the immediate effect of calling into question whether the buyer is indeed welcome, or merely tolerated. It reminds one of an individual who refuses to remove a hat indoors, particularly as a guest in someone's home. Is it an intentional disregard for the person, for the culture, or for the generation, or is it something less, just a guy who didn't wash his hair or who identifies himself as a hatted character?

A similar difference in convention can be observed in the generations or groups in head nods. It was once customary for men to nod, bending the head down in an imitation of tipping one's hat to another in show of respect. A more recent trend is to cock the head back, still in respect, but a more cocky "I'm approving of you and it's mine to give" sort of air rather than its obligatory for all. To note the difference, take the motion back a century and imagine it being conveyed to persons of differing rank -- the refusal to bow or nod would be a clear message, as it is today.

I understand where you're coming from, but when I say "no problem" it doesn't mean I'm refusing to say "you're welcome" or that there is a lesser degree of appreciation I'm feeling towards the recipient of my words. It's second nature to me and either phrase can slip out of my mouth.

But maybe I'm a product of the more modern generation and I'm not overly "mannerly."

 

[pat grimshaw]

Saying No Problem to a paying customer is just like saying Whatever.

Customer staff are being paid to take on 'the problems' of the paying customer.

 

[xbuzzerx]

Customer staff are being paid to take on 'the problems' of the paying customer.

Then vote with your wallet and shop somewhere more expensive, with well paid employees, who give you good customer service.

Oh wait. You're in Australia. The min wage is 16.88.

 

[dereperez]

I think it's a "hassled parent" thing... there are definitely parents out there that just look like they're having a bad day (or maybe they are always having a bad day) handling their kids and when you hold a door open for them or extend them some kind of courtesy they are just too overwhelmed with making sure all their kids get in (or yelling at one to stop poking his sister or to stop screaming) that they completely forget you are even standing there. Or sometimes I get the really muffled "thanks" in between breaths as they go back to yelling instructions at their kids. And I'm sure probably some smaller number of them simply expect accomodation to be accorded to them because they have a lot of kids.

It's more understandable if it were a mom or dad yelling at their kids. They could only fit in so many words in those few seconds. But sometimes they are a single adult, not preoccupied with anything else during that moment, and don't feel the urge to say "thank you."