Hi guys. I'm new here. In fact this is my very first post. So let me start by telling you a little bit about myself. (I will apologize in advance that this is going to be quite lengthy.)
I grew up (and still live) in a VERY conservative part of the US, that is not exactly "gay friendly." I was raised by my ultraconservative, Christian grandparents. Their philosophy on life is essentially, you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't dance, and you don't hang out with those who do...you don't have sex outside of heterosexual marriage, and homosexuality is a SIN that must be repented of. Yah, that pretty much sums it up. And yet, despite all of that, I knew from the time I was very young that I was attracted to other boys...long before I had ever heard the words "homosexual" or "gay". I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I was; I have always just accepted it. It’s just who and what I am. There have always been a few people here and there who have known, and yet, coming out fully has NEVER an option for me. I guess I have always treated my sexuality as a “need-to-know” thing, and the truth is, not everyone “needs to know,” nor could everyone handle the truth if they did know. But to be totally honest, it’s always surprised me that more people haven't figured it out on there own--though I suspect that many have and just refused to accept it and therefore remained willfully ignorant.
In some ways I was just your typical Midwest boy, growing up in the early 80's. I liked many stereotypical "boy" things. I like playing with toy cars and my Star Wars action figures. I liked Star Trek, and learning about dinosaurs and astronomy. Yah, I was a typical boy in some ways; and yet in many ways I wasn't. I was always a very sensitive boy, very affectionate and cuddly. I was never into sports and was never all rough and tumble like the other boys. In fact, I was always a little intimidated by the other boys and would not fight back when picked on...which happened a lot, especially in grade school. Oh, and btw I never liked having my hands dirty (still don't). Let's just say, it would have been pretty obvious even back then that I was gay to anyone who knew what to look for and/or wasn't in denial.
I attended public school, up though my 6th grade year. Despite being extremely intelligent, I and school never got along very well. I was what would now be called an ADHD child, in addition I also had several learning disabilities (including a mild form of dyslexia), but this would not be diagnosed until I was in the 8th grade, after I had already been held back two grades. I knew the material, but because it took me so long to do the home and in-class work, I would get so frustrated that I would eventually stop doing it. Likewise, I struggled taking tests; I would fail them, not because I didn't know the answers, but because I couldn't complete them in the time allotted. Everyone just assumed that because I was so smart that I must have just been lazy and didn't care. My teachers use to keep me in during most recesses as punishment and to finish assignments, which only served to make me hate school and alienated me from my classmates and gave them yet another reason to pick on me. I tell you all of this just to explain why my grandparents decided to enroll me in a private, Christian school following my failed 6th grade year. They knew how much I was struggling in public school and knew it would only get worse once I got into Middle School.
Despite what you might think, after an initial period of adjustment, I actually came to really enjoy my years at my new school. I got a LOT more personalized attention for my academics, and was very involved in theater, art and music, in a way I probably wouldn't have gotten to do in public school. I also formed a lot great friendships, some of them continue to this day. But as you can imagine, it wasn't always easy being the only (or so I though, though I have since learned there was at least one other) gay boy going to a religious school. Once again, coming out was simply not an option. If I had even hinted at the fact that I was gay I would have been kicked out of school for sure and fast. It really sucked at times having crushes on some of the cute boys there at school and not being able to tell them or show it in any way.
Anyway... It was a very small school. At the time I started attending, the school housed kindergarten though 7th grade. In the following years they added additional grades until it was finally k-12. By the time I graduated, there were probably about a total of 150 students in the entire school, where about half (or a little less) of those comprised the "Upper School", meaning 7th - 12th graders. Because the school was so small, there were a lot of times where, in order to have enough students, classes (especially elective type classes, as well as extracurricular activities) were comprised of students from any number of the Upper School grades. I tell you this just to point out that the typical separations between the grades that usually happens in public schools simply didn't happen and wasn't practical at my school. As a result, even as a (20 y/o - remember I was held back twice) senior, I became good friends with many of the 7th - 11th grade guys and thought of them as piers and equals, despite the fact that some of them were 6 or 7 years younger then me. In fact, virtually all of my friends were between 2 and 4 years younger then me. Is it any wonder then, that most of the guys that I had crushes on were also quite a bit younger then me?
This brings me to the purpose of why I'm writing all of this...
I have always preferred younger guys, even when I was just a young a boy of 12 or 13 y/o. I guess you’d say I'm something of an atypical gay man, in that I have never been attracted to mature, adult masculinity, per say. In fact, to be totally honest, even to this day, the only guys I truly find attractive are the ones that look more like overgrown boys then they do grown men--what you would call twinks--you know like 18 to 22 y/o's who look about 14, 15, 16. This fixation on really young-looking, “pretty” guys didn't seem so unreasonable (or maybe the word I am looking for is "creepy") back when I was still in High School or when I was trying to find guys to date back in my early to mid 20's. Plus, you have to understand that I too looked REALLY young for my age back then. (I was a twink. I mean, at 18 I looked like I was about 14; at 21 I looked about 16 or 17.) The problem is that I keep getting older, but the age range and type of the guys I’m attracted to hasn’t changed at all in 15 years, or so. And believe me, I am certainly painfully aware that I am no longer the young, thin, rather cute “boy” that I was back then. For me, one of the biggest curses of being gay is that I have an unfortunate tendency to judge myself (and perhaps sometimes far too harshly) against the type of guys that I am attracted to; and since I’m now, at 37 y/o, about the polar opposite of what I personally find attractive, its really hard to have any kind of a positive self-image. Likewise, it’s hard for me to even imagine how any cute, young guy could ever like me or choose me over some other far younger and cuter guy closer to his own age.
(Don't get me wrong. I enjoy hanging out or visiting with other gay guys of ANY age as friends, but it’s just that when it comes to physical and sexual attraction, it’s only the really young-looking guys that turn me on. I don’t know why those are the only guys I’m attracted too. I wish I could be attracted to guys closer to my own age…but I’m not. And unfortunately, as much as I might want to, I can no more change the kind of guys I am attracted too, then I could choose to change my sexuality in general.)
I won't bore you with all the sad details of my life since High School, but suffice it to say that, as I said, I am now 37 years old, and still I have never been in a serious relationship or even had what I would consider to be a true boyfriend. The few guys I have been with in the past were at best Bi (meaning that they really preferred girls, but would mess around with me once and awhile but only when it suited them). But honestly, I would take that over what I have had the past few years...which is NOTHING. It’s been 10 - 15 years now since I have been on a date or had sex or anything. I get so lonely at times and so desperately wish I could, for once in my life, have what so many people take for granted—the chance to love someone that I am truly attracted to and who is in turn is genuinely attracted to me and loves me back. It seems like all my life I have wanted what I couldn’t have; and now that the best years of my youth are far behind me, and the years since have not been so kind, I fear I may never have the chance again.
I grew up (and still live) in a VERY conservative part of the US, that is not exactly "gay friendly." I was raised by my ultraconservative, Christian grandparents. Their philosophy on life is essentially, you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't dance, and you don't hang out with those who do...you don't have sex outside of heterosexual marriage, and homosexuality is a SIN that must be repented of. Yah, that pretty much sums it up. And yet, despite all of that, I knew from the time I was very young that I was attracted to other boys...long before I had ever heard the words "homosexual" or "gay". I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I was; I have always just accepted it. It’s just who and what I am. There have always been a few people here and there who have known, and yet, coming out fully has NEVER an option for me. I guess I have always treated my sexuality as a “need-to-know” thing, and the truth is, not everyone “needs to know,” nor could everyone handle the truth if they did know. But to be totally honest, it’s always surprised me that more people haven't figured it out on there own--though I suspect that many have and just refused to accept it and therefore remained willfully ignorant.
In some ways I was just your typical Midwest boy, growing up in the early 80's. I liked many stereotypical "boy" things. I like playing with toy cars and my Star Wars action figures. I liked Star Trek, and learning about dinosaurs and astronomy. Yah, I was a typical boy in some ways; and yet in many ways I wasn't. I was always a very sensitive boy, very affectionate and cuddly. I was never into sports and was never all rough and tumble like the other boys. In fact, I was always a little intimidated by the other boys and would not fight back when picked on...which happened a lot, especially in grade school. Oh, and btw I never liked having my hands dirty (still don't). Let's just say, it would have been pretty obvious even back then that I was gay to anyone who knew what to look for and/or wasn't in denial.
I attended public school, up though my 6th grade year. Despite being extremely intelligent, I and school never got along very well. I was what would now be called an ADHD child, in addition I also had several learning disabilities (including a mild form of dyslexia), but this would not be diagnosed until I was in the 8th grade, after I had already been held back two grades. I knew the material, but because it took me so long to do the home and in-class work, I would get so frustrated that I would eventually stop doing it. Likewise, I struggled taking tests; I would fail them, not because I didn't know the answers, but because I couldn't complete them in the time allotted. Everyone just assumed that because I was so smart that I must have just been lazy and didn't care. My teachers use to keep me in during most recesses as punishment and to finish assignments, which only served to make me hate school and alienated me from my classmates and gave them yet another reason to pick on me. I tell you all of this just to explain why my grandparents decided to enroll me in a private, Christian school following my failed 6th grade year. They knew how much I was struggling in public school and knew it would only get worse once I got into Middle School.
Despite what you might think, after an initial period of adjustment, I actually came to really enjoy my years at my new school. I got a LOT more personalized attention for my academics, and was very involved in theater, art and music, in a way I probably wouldn't have gotten to do in public school. I also formed a lot great friendships, some of them continue to this day. But as you can imagine, it wasn't always easy being the only (or so I though, though I have since learned there was at least one other) gay boy going to a religious school. Once again, coming out was simply not an option. If I had even hinted at the fact that I was gay I would have been kicked out of school for sure and fast. It really sucked at times having crushes on some of the cute boys there at school and not being able to tell them or show it in any way.
Anyway... It was a very small school. At the time I started attending, the school housed kindergarten though 7th grade. In the following years they added additional grades until it was finally k-12. By the time I graduated, there were probably about a total of 150 students in the entire school, where about half (or a little less) of those comprised the "Upper School", meaning 7th - 12th graders. Because the school was so small, there were a lot of times where, in order to have enough students, classes (especially elective type classes, as well as extracurricular activities) were comprised of students from any number of the Upper School grades. I tell you this just to point out that the typical separations between the grades that usually happens in public schools simply didn't happen and wasn't practical at my school. As a result, even as a (20 y/o - remember I was held back twice) senior, I became good friends with many of the 7th - 11th grade guys and thought of them as piers and equals, despite the fact that some of them were 6 or 7 years younger then me. In fact, virtually all of my friends were between 2 and 4 years younger then me. Is it any wonder then, that most of the guys that I had crushes on were also quite a bit younger then me?
This brings me to the purpose of why I'm writing all of this...
I have always preferred younger guys, even when I was just a young a boy of 12 or 13 y/o. I guess you’d say I'm something of an atypical gay man, in that I have never been attracted to mature, adult masculinity, per say. In fact, to be totally honest, even to this day, the only guys I truly find attractive are the ones that look more like overgrown boys then they do grown men--what you would call twinks--you know like 18 to 22 y/o's who look about 14, 15, 16. This fixation on really young-looking, “pretty” guys didn't seem so unreasonable (or maybe the word I am looking for is "creepy") back when I was still in High School or when I was trying to find guys to date back in my early to mid 20's. Plus, you have to understand that I too looked REALLY young for my age back then. (I was a twink. I mean, at 18 I looked like I was about 14; at 21 I looked about 16 or 17.) The problem is that I keep getting older, but the age range and type of the guys I’m attracted to hasn’t changed at all in 15 years, or so. And believe me, I am certainly painfully aware that I am no longer the young, thin, rather cute “boy” that I was back then. For me, one of the biggest curses of being gay is that I have an unfortunate tendency to judge myself (and perhaps sometimes far too harshly) against the type of guys that I am attracted to; and since I’m now, at 37 y/o, about the polar opposite of what I personally find attractive, its really hard to have any kind of a positive self-image. Likewise, it’s hard for me to even imagine how any cute, young guy could ever like me or choose me over some other far younger and cuter guy closer to his own age.
(Don't get me wrong. I enjoy hanging out or visiting with other gay guys of ANY age as friends, but it’s just that when it comes to physical and sexual attraction, it’s only the really young-looking guys that turn me on. I don’t know why those are the only guys I’m attracted too. I wish I could be attracted to guys closer to my own age…but I’m not. And unfortunately, as much as I might want to, I can no more change the kind of guys I am attracted too, then I could choose to change my sexuality in general.)
I won't bore you with all the sad details of my life since High School, but suffice it to say that, as I said, I am now 37 years old, and still I have never been in a serious relationship or even had what I would consider to be a true boyfriend. The few guys I have been with in the past were at best Bi (meaning that they really preferred girls, but would mess around with me once and awhile but only when it suited them). But honestly, I would take that over what I have had the past few years...which is NOTHING. It’s been 10 - 15 years now since I have been on a date or had sex or anything. I get so lonely at times and so desperately wish I could, for once in my life, have what so many people take for granted—the chance to love someone that I am truly attracted to and who is in turn is genuinely attracted to me and loves me back. It seems like all my life I have wanted what I couldn’t have; and now that the best years of my youth are far behind me, and the years since have not been so kind, I fear I may never have the chance again.
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
Half the time I just give up and do what she wants because its simply easier then arguing with her about it. Needless to say, this living arrangement, while necessary at this point in my life, is often very stressful and it certainly doesn't lend itself to having much of a dating life or any kind of a social life of any kind for that matter.
