What is he thinking?

[confusedboy23]

My mind has been driving me nuts since this past weekend. I flew to a major city 2 hours north of where I am and had met up with a guy. We went to dinner, clubbing and stuff and met a few of his most closest friends and I just felt an instant 'click' with him. Before he left for the night, he had said "I might call you tomorrow and maybe we could catch up for dinner again". That was Saturday night.

On Sunday, I waited for him all day but he did not called. I might have some sort of anxiety issues so I was just going crazy all day thinking that he would never talk to me again. I called him a few times and he did not answer and I finally text him just to see if we can hang out on Monday before I left the city on Tuesday. Sure enough, he called a little while later and we made plans for Monday night. You wouldn't believe how happy I was! By the way, he was doing stuff all day Sunday.

Monday morning I was OK but as the day went on, my mind started telling me he might not turn up for dinner and stuff. Maybe that had to do with how it all ended between me and my ex. I have always been super afraid of sudden disappearances. I called him at noon but he did not answer so I was like real depressed again but I knew that he was working. I only called once, and he rang me in the afternoon during his break and told me he had made reservations for dinner. All throughout the day I was scared that he would not turn up and I will not see him again.

Monday night, we went to dinner and hung out. When it was time to leave, he said that he had to walk a different route to catch the train home because he wanted to catch the last train. He did not walk with me to where I was going so I asked "Are you not walking with me? It's my last day". He said "No, sorry I really need to catch the train home. Need to get stuff done before work tomorrow". I was sad, and I walked. But we did hug and I kissed him on the lips and I walked on my own in the dark feeling all sad. Just as I was getting to the station, he text me "Thanks for coming and hanging out. Thanks for the birthday present. It was very thoughtful". I called him immediately, and we spoke for a little while. I ended it with "I can't wait to come back here again next month". We even exchanged a few text messages that night whilst on the train.

Tuesday I took the plane back home. I was feeling really down and heavyhearted. I sent him a text message saying "I'm on the plane now bla bla bla. Can't wait to come back again". Got back home, we exchanged a few text messages.

Then Wednesday, I text him in the morning just to say hello but he did not reply. I went nuts again, but suddenly later in the day I realized he could be working. Then at like 3am we exchanged a few messages.

The problem is this. Saturday (today) is his birthday. I sent him a text message at 2am in the morning to wish him "Happy Birthday. Wish I was there. Look forward to visiting the city again next month". He did not respond and it is now 8pm. OK, I know that he probably finishes work at around 3 or 4am and he would probably go to sleep in the morning. I am not sure if he has to work in the afternoon but I think he does. I know he will be going out with his friends tonight for his birthday.

I mean, why didn't bother to just reply with a thank you or something? Have I freaked him out? Should I text him another Happy Birthday note before midnight in case it didn't get to him? My mind is really driving me crazy with all these questions.

Is he interested in me at all? Does he have the slightest clue I want to get to know him better?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

 

[chance1]

confusedboy - my 2 cents from reading this is that u r obsessed with him

and that it is likely he is picking up on this

and that can scare people

and it is not a rant at all

I appreciate that u are laying this out there so transparently

in relationships often, make that usually the 2 people r not on the same track speed wise - one is more into than the other - which is not bad - just the way people r

u seem to be going faster than ur new friend

slow down

is my advice

but u need to do what u need to do - and feel comfortable with it

it just seems to me u r overdoing it a bit

best of luck

from reading u, I like u

keep us posted

 

[JOHN B]

I agree. You are probably scaring him off. I know because I use to do this all the time. I've learned to----call someone. Leave a message. If he does not call back, then wait a few days and call again. After that, if he does not respond. well then, I assume he is not interested. I have learned long ago to not let my world revolve around someone. You end up missing out on OTHER chances to find the right guy....

 

[confusedboy23]

confusedboy - my 2 cents from reading this is that u r obsessed with him

and that it is likely he is picking up on this

and that can scare people

and it is not a rant at all

I appreciate that u are laying this out there so transparently

in relationships often, make that usually the 2 people r not on the same track speed wise - one is more into than the other - which is not bad - just the way people r

u seem to be going faster than ur new friend

slow down

is my advice

but u need to do what u need to do - and feel comfortable with it

it just seems to me u r overdoing it a bit

best of luck

from reading u, I like u

keep us posted

Thanks chance1. After posting this last night, I think I came to my senses (a little) and I did try to chill down a little. I went to work and I was glad that work was crazy and I was busy all night long. Time passed really quickly and I guess that helped me not think too much for at least a night.

You're absolutely right. We all do things at different speed. Perhaps, I am going a little too fast. I wish I could take things easier but it's always been my nature to want to get things done. BUT, I will be a little patient this time. This is a delicate issue and the last thing I want is to scare him away!

 

[confusedboy23]

It's ok. Sounds like you had a lovely time. I know that sometimes I am really busy and don't get around to checking my messages for a while. I think that he knows you are interested, but remember that it is really hard for both of you to do a long distance relationship.

is there some way you two can get in a live conversation, like on MSN or something? text messaging is tough because you don't know if he has read it or not, which can ovibously cause stress.

I wish I could sugar coat everything and say it will all be ok, but then we also have to look at the other side. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you? Maybe he doesn't think that this will work?

Remember that you are a great guy, and if he is ignoring you, you might need to move on. But don't jump to conclusions! Just take it easy, don't worry so much. Wish I could be of more help, but in the end, just relax and enjoy it. Relationships are not supposed to be stressful. Best of luck-tyler

Thanks Tyler for your thoughts. By the way, I sure did have a great time last weekend. If only we could be frozen in time, or at the very least, I did not have to come back to this place!

Yes, it will be a long-distance relationship (or friendship to start with) but I believe that it can be worked on. One of his very best friend whom I have met while I was there is in a long distance relationship too and they have been together for more than 2 years and my 'friend' commented this "seeing the two of them makes me believe in relationships!". If we really hit it off, I am prepared to work on getting a transfer if that is possible with my work!!

He doesn't spend a lot of time online mainly because he works crazy hours, like his night job could take him from 5pm to 3am the next morning. At this stage, he is juggling two jobs so he really hardly has time to even sleep.

I wasn't sure if calling him and talking to him on the phone would be a good idea but I thought maybe just texting for now was good enough. I am thinking that if we can continue texting each other until we meet again next month then after that, maybe I could start calling him. I am planning on going to to see him again next month.

Thanks for reminding me not to jump to conclusions. I think I must have overreacted yesterday which is very very typical of me.

It's hard and painful for me to take it easy, but I will try and I'm sure with support from you guys here, I will pull through. I am of course still holding on to that hope that we can be friends and more over the coming weeks and months.

 

[rareboy]

He's not that interested.

Just leave it up to him if he wants more. If not, let it go.

Easier to say than do, but doable nonetheless.

And don't be so intense. It scares the shit out of people.

 

[confusedboy23]

Did I text him again last night? I sure DID NOT. I held it back. I thought maybe I should take it one day at a time. It was not easy for me, but I sure made it.

It is Sunday today, and I have yet to even get a 'Thank You' note from him or anything. I sent that text on Saturday at 2am in the morning but I knew he would still have been at work. He could have been really tired and went straight back home to sleep. He could have been working his second job on Saturday afternoon before going out partying with his bunch of really close friends. I forced myself to think and believe that was the case!

Why has he not replied today? I'm sure he would be stuck in bed all day long after that big night out. I am telling myself that I should refrain from texting him tonight. What do you think? Maybe I should text him on Monday night or something. That's just to give it a break in between.

I went through my phone's history and realized that I did send him a text message on Wednesday morning which went unanswered. I sat back thought, I freaked out that day too but I texted him at work at 3am the next morning and we texted back and forth a few times. So he wasn't really ignoring me then. I am hoping this is the same case too. He could have been too occupied with things. I hope he was and that we'll still talk soon.

 

[G-Lexington]

You're clearly obsessing. He seemed to think you were nice, and fun to be with, and he casually met up with you a couple times and had a good time with you. Meanwhile, you fretted that he was misreading things and that he hated you and that he would cancel the second date and that he didn't call you back right away and that's what happened with the last guy and is it happening again and why can't he return your calls right away and and and...

Which of you think had the better time?

Does he know you're interested? Jesus, how could he not know? Unless you obsessively call and text people you AREN'T interested in as well...

Have you freaked him out? Probably. CALM DOWN. You're totally not helping your cause any. Stop calling him and texting him. He knows you're interested. If he's interested, too, he'll contact you. If not, he won't. End of story.

Lex

 

[vinnieboi69]

man dont feel bad. its kinda funny cuz im goin thru the SAME thing with a guy i met online, well sorta. long story short, we're both attracted to each other and we gotta lotta stuff n common which is good and it looks like ill finally have my first BF! but like u i think im obsessing over it too much....sighh its hard to wait on hm to respond but in the end he does. jus give him time and like everyone says, if hes interested he'll let u know by calling/texting back

 

[backpacker]

I would say that you may have freaked him out. I wouldn't expect too much to happen with this guy in the future. In the early stages of a relationship, it's important that you don't push too hard.

When he said he might call you on Sunday, that was just a nice (or not so nice) way of saying I don't want to see you on Sunday. You should have limited yourself to one contact on Sunday. Any more than that would have sent up red flags. The dinner date on Monday was probably a guilt date on his part. The fact that he wanted to go his separate way afterward basically says so.

I know it's hard, but it's time to move on. LDR rarely work, so maybe you are lucky that this one didn't last any longer.

 

[thewiz]

My advice is that you wait a few days and then just send a text and ask how his birthday and "older age" have been going. Add an "lol" just to lighten things up.

I met a guy a few weeks back in Austin and we text a few times; but we also call each other every few days adn talk through IM. I might suggest contact via the telephone once in a while because for me, text can be hard. Sometimes the messages take a few days to get to my phone (although since I switched to Verizon this happens much less). I always tell people that if they truly want to hear from me, they had better pick up the phone!

Sal is coming to visit in two weeks...we'll see how this relationship goes....

I hope that your relationship works out; it sounds like it went well while you were with him. If it doesn't, savor the memories...

 

[luminum]

I think you're getting too involved. From what you're writing, you're texting, calling, and responding every single day. In this society where people have access to instantaneous information and contact and receive every single moment at work and in their home lives, it can be a bit much. People may not always respond to messages like these because of their rapid succession.

My friends can text me or email me or leave me messages, but if it's nothing pressing, I usually don't respond because I don't see the purpose. Clearly this guy is texting you and calling you when he deems it important--ex. to thank you for your visit--which are all for good reasons and appropriate. Just because he's not exchanging (and please don't take this the wrong way) blips of info and soundbites doesn't mean he's not interested in you.

I think you need to explore some of your abandonment issues. You stated that an ex left you by just 'suddenly disappearing'. I wonder if it's possible that this occurrence is affecting your behavior now. It seems like you're constantly afraid that if a guy isn't always affirming you with his responses and his presence that it means he's not interested or that he's going to leave you.

I can't alleviate that fear for you, but I would consider some counseling, because from my perspective, with the new guy you're with, it seems like you're smothering him out of the fear that he'll leave you. It's a fear you have with good reason, but I don't think it's good for him or you.

Me telling you to lay back and trust him some more and let things develop at their own pace isn't going to dissuade your fears, but it bares mentioning. The only way I think you'll resolve this is by confronting the issue with some counseling.

 

[IHeartMarco]

My advice? Chill out w/ all of the text messaging and calls. You are probably freaking him out and it looks like you are going to scare him away for good.

 

[jockboy01]

boy, can I relate to this. I find that when I really like somebody, a day without hearing from them throws my mind into these thoughts of "what if he doesn't like me" and "why isn't he calling me" etc. It's horrible and I'm glad I'm not the only one that does that.

In this case, I would agree to slow down. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is. But don't text him for a while. Maybe wait a week (that seems to be my cutoff these days) and if you haven't heard from him send him a short message like "so how's being XX years old going?" Nothing too fancy. See if he texts back. If not, wait another week. If he doesn't respond to that one, I'd say things aren't looking good.

As stated, people move at different speeds. Furthermore, I have found that guys are more attracted to guys that don't overtly show that they like them. It makes no sense, but seems to hold true. So maybe don't text at all and wait for him. I've tried this and am rarely successful. I'm currently trying it again. It is terribly hard b/c if you like somebody you want them to like you back SOOOO badly. But take a breath and realize that there are a lot of guys out there if this one doesn't work. And slow down a bit. Leave a bit of mystery and hold off and messaging/calling him every chance you get. At the beginning of a relationship, I think this is beneficial. But don't play hard to get... just don't be over eager... it's a fine line.

 

[dkonfrost]

at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i'll keep this short, since everyone has responded accordingly.

You're WAAAAAAAAAY too attached/obsessed. you will definitely get him running in the other direction if you get myopic and focus on him way too much.

you also have to remember, he has his own life and own endeavors going on. things happen, people get busy. it's not a knock against you, that's just how it is.

 

[confusedboy23]

Thanks guys for all the responses!

I'm glad that most of your guys have picked up on my obsession. It's about time I keep that in check before it gets out of control.

I guess it is true that my previous episode of 'abandonment' have had something to do with how I'm feeling right now.

I am trying to take it easy and to go a little slower. It's Monday afternoon now but I have yet to touch that cellphone although I must say that I have been tempted to!

 

[confusedboy23]

By the way, I did see him on AIM on Sunday night and chatted (text, not voice/mic). We spoke of his birthday the night before, and just random things.

I know you guys must hate me by now - I started freaking out and thinking crazy things again when he went silent for like 15 minutes or so (and then I realized he was on the phone) during the conversation on AIM.

I was hoping that we could at least say goodbye online before I left for work but at the end, he went silent for another 15 minutes or so and I just left him a line "Got to go to work now, chat again soon".

Of course, that itself caused a stir in my head thinking he must not be very interested in talking to me at all. All the "what ifs" just keeps on playing in my mind.....

I enjoy posting my fears and worries and my feelings here because it's like me looking into a mirror. Sometimes I feel stupid but I can't help doing what I have done. I'm glad to have a mirror that actually talks back to me here on JUB!

 

[IHeartMarco]

No offense but you sound neurotic as all hell...

 

[FootballMuscle]

STOP.

At this stage in your life, it doesn't seem like you should be pursuing ANY relationship. In the event you two do get close, you will eventually let your guard down and let your obsession show, which will—and I am absolutely positive here—drive him away. And then you will be left feeling like yet another person abandoned you; that is clearly not something you're ready for.

Luminum put it much more eloquently when he recommended you to seek professional counseling.

 

[chance1]

By the way, I did see him on AIM on Sunday night and chatted (text, not voice/mic). We spoke of his birthday the night before, and just random things.

I know you guys must hate me by now - I started freaking out and thinking crazy things again when he went silent for like 15 minutes or so (and then I realized he was on the phone) during the conversation on AIM.

I was hoping that we could at least say goodbye online before I left for work but at the end, he went silent for another 15 minutes or so and I just left him a line "Got to go to work now, chat again soon".

Of course, that itself caused a stir in my head thinking he must not be very interested in talking to me at all. All the "what ifs" just keeps on playing in my mind.....

I enjoy posting my fears and worries and my feelings here because it's like me looking into a mirror. Sometimes I feel stupid but I can't help doing what I have done. I'm glad to have a mirror that actually talks back to me here on JUB!

I too like to post my feelings on JUB - write it out - think it through

I think if u look back at this thread - and reread what u have written - and put urself in ur friend's shoes .............. u will realize that u r overdoing it - and if u were him, u might, make that probably would be, freaked out over ur over attention

NO ONE hates u

NO ONE

some of us have been through what u r - some have not - but we all get it in some fashion - so don't apologize for anything

hang in

slow down

deep breaths

ur rushing things - slow them down substantially - and see what happens - might be good - and even if not, it will not be because u pushed him away

cya buddy