What is he thinking?

[IHeartMarco]

Ask yourself this, would he be just as willing to buy a plane ticket to come and see you? If not then move the hell on... He's just humoring you.

 

[backpacker]

I think it may be time to move on. If he was interested in pursuing a relationship, he would be communicating with you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy who can't take a minute or two to respond over a period of several days? He may be busy, but there isn't anyone that's that busy. Think back to when you first met him online, how often was he communicating with you? If the decline is significant, there is a reason for it.

Put your energy toward pursuing a guy that deserves you. I would also think it would make sense to look closer to home for a relationship. It just makes it much easier for things to develop. The only LDR that I have known to work have been ones where the couple started out in the same place, then one had to move away for some reason. The move was generally temporary, such as for school, or the other party was planning to join them there at some point. I wish you the best in finding a guy that will make you happy.

 

[jockboy01]

Ask yourself this, would he be just as willing to buy a plane ticket to come and see you? If not then move the hell on.

I think this is a very good point. I don't know the answer to that question but something to consider. There does come a point when you have to say "screw him, I deserve better". Unfortunately, I don't know when that is.

 

[confusedboy23]

Think back to when you first met him online, how often was he communicating with you? If the decline is significant, there is a reason for it.

Thinking back, I don't think there has been a decline in his communication with me. We met online, talked a little bit, and arranged to meet up while I was up there nearly 3 weeks ago. We clicked or at least, I did, and then I was the one who went overboard with my texting as some of you have said I could have easily scared him away.

I know it is way too early to talk about a relationship because the fact is I don't know him all that well at all. That is something I'd love to work towards but at the same time, I am fearful because I'm just not sure how to even be a 'better' friend for now considering the lack of communication between us.

I guess I was hoping that he would have felt or known that I did have "feelings" towards him by the subtle hints that I hope I have been dropping along the way.

 

[confusedboy23]

I agree with both of these guys wholeheartedly.

Let it go.

You can be using this time to go after someone who would want you just the same.

There are days that I too think the same - that I should just let it go. I guess there's still one part of me that's saying that I've not even allowed myself a chance to develop this friendship (let alone a relationship) so letting go might just be giving up. I don't usually give up too easily, but I might also try too hard sometimes, and I know that's bad too.

I do sense that hurt could be just around the corner though. I'm thinking what if we don't get to see each other all that much next weekend, what if he doesn't show any feelings..... I don't know what I'm thinking but I know that it's all real concerns. I might be scared now, but if it truly turns out that he has no interest, then I guess it will be painful next week.

Sometimes I wonder if this gamble is really worth it.

 

[confusedboy23]

Ask yourself this, would he be just as willing to buy a plane ticket to come and see you? If not then move the hell on... He's just humoring you.

Good point there. We're not even close friends yet, so I really don't know if he would do that. I guess my justification is that he isn't doing all that well right now, so maybe even if he wanted to, he couldn't afford it. Am I trying to comfort myself? The answer is, I don't know.

At this stage, I am not asking for a relationship (way too soon for that) but I will not deny the fact that I have been hoping that I have dropped hints that should trigger his awareness. All I am trying to do, is work on being friends with him, getting to know him better. It pains me because it is already very hard to even just be friends.

 

[confusedboy23]

I think this is a very good point. I don't know the answer to that question but something to consider. There does come a point when you have to say "screw him, I deserve better". Unfortunately, I don't know when that is.

Maybe I will learn a little more about him when I fly to see him again next weekend. Regardless of the outcome, I know this trip will NOT be an easy one for a wimp like me.

 

[confusedboy23]

Anyway, I couldn't sleep past 2am this morning so I got out of bed and turned on my computer. Sure enough, he signed on so we got to IM each other a little bit.

We talked about the usual stuff - work and whatever. He has just gotten back from work, so it was a brief 20 minutes chat. This time around, there wasn't any long "pauses" as I have mentioned in one of my earlier posts which did cause some distress on my part.

We are still talking, I guess. So, maybe that's a good sign that we're friends at least. I don't know. I'm trying not to think too much......

 

[orem244]

I think the fact that you just made 5 posts in a row is probably a sign that you are in fact thinking too much...

 

[confusedboy23]

Tuesday, October 13th - 5:35am - it has only just started to hurt. I thought I was strong enough, but obviously, I am so darn wrong. I just woke up in my lonely hotel room and realize that this was a meaningless trip and that I will be taking my flight back to work today still not knowing what the hell is going on his head.

I don't know why I'm writing this but I feel like unloading it all. You guys can have pity on me, or you guys can tell me that I've brought it upon myself but I just need to know that there are indeed people listening. Thanks guys! Writing this, just gives me the opportunity to really look back and think, and reflect upon what had happened.

I do admit that I have obsessed with him for the past couple of weeks but I changed dramatically last week. After my last IM convo with him last Sunday (Oct 4th), I felt really confident and there was no longer the need or the urge to constantly text him. I was amazed at myself. That was the first time I felt happy in a month.

I texted him Friday night (Oct 9th) just to say "Hey, see you tomorrow" and to that I got an instant response "Please call me when you land". I was ecstatic.

As soon as I landed on Saturday, I called. And, we talked. It was very normal. We joked and laughed, we asked questions, we made arrangements to meet for an early dinner. That was like 4pm. There, I found out that he recently had lots of problems with some of his closest friends. He had to work that night so I walked with him to work.

That was when I started to feel insecure again - just as we approached his work place. This was our little convo:

ME: Hey, how do you get home if you finish late at say, 4am?
HIM: I usually take a cab home but last night I stayed over at a friend's place.
ME: OK. So since you're finishing late today, do you just want to walk over to my hotel?
HIM: Nah, I think I need to go home and get showered. You don't want me to smell like a kitchen in your room.
ME: OK
HIM: I will call you tomorrow.
ME: Great. What time?
HIM: Whenever. **He then hugged me and went in**.
ME: Bye. See you tomorrow.

I knew that he hangs out with a bunch of friends every Sunday that he is off work, so I did not interfere with that and I didn't call him at all. I thought I was acting mature that he could have his space too. He didn't call until nearly 9pm.

Once again, the call was normal, at least that was what I have felt. He was at the hospital because one of his roommate needed urgent medical attention and he had to call of work that night. He told me he had Monday off and we should hang. He said he will call me when he got up on Monday and that he was going to lunch with a friend so I was "very welcome to join".

Now, I wasn't hoping for one-on-one dates with him, although that would have been nice, so I couldn't care less about him taking me out with his friends. I met some of his closest friends the last time I flew to this city last month and it was good fun!

Monday (yesterday) - he didn't call so I called him at 12.30pm. He didn't answer. I called again half an hour later, but still no answer. I was freaking out that something could have happened. Sure enough, he texted me a few minutes later.

HEY. I'M UP. I JUST NEED TO GO GET SOMETHING DONE AT MY FRIEND'S PLACE REAL QUICK. WANT ME TO CALL AFTER I AM DONE?

I replied "Yeah, cool. See you soon" and he even texted me back "See you soon and talk to you in a bit".

I had no idea what he was up to. He might have needed to use his friend's computer which I know he does very often, or he might be have been playing PC games with them which he is obsessed with.

He didn't call or text after that. I called at 7pm but there was no reply. I texted him "Is everything OK?". Still no reply.

A friend of mine said I should probably confront him because I needed and I think deserve to know it too regardless of what he was thinking. So, I texted him at 9.30pm last night.

I AM NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON BUT I MUST SAY THAT I AM RATHER DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I FLEW ALL THE WAY HERE TO SEE YOU AND DIDN'T GET TO SPEND MUCH TIME WITH YOU AT ALL. I ALSO THINK THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I LIKE YOU AND WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME IN THE DARK. JUST LET ME KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON EVEN IF WE CAN ONLY JUST BE FRIENDS. THANKS.

I went to bed thinking I was all OK but I felt like shit when I got up this morning.

There still wasn't any reply, no missed calls on my cell phone. Nothing.

Don't you think he's rude?! I mean, come on, even if I was just a friend, he shouldn't have left me waiting like that.

Yes, I am angry but I think I am more heartbroken than anything. Granted I am not exactly very close to him yet, but I was hoping to get to know him better.

Could he be playing games? Could he be scared of a relationship? Or, is he really that stupid to really not know that I like him and I have been dropping hints since a long time ago.

If he was not into me, he could have ignored me a long time ago. Why now? why suddenly?

I need answers!!!

 

[rareboy]

He's not that interested.

Just leave it up to him if he wants more. If not, let it go.

Easier to say than do, but doable nonetheless.

And don't be so intense. It scares the shit out of people.

I'm just going to repeat my advice from two pages ago.

Pay particular notice to the last line.

I think you may be unravelling and in need of some professional help.

 

[confusedboy23]

I'm just going to repeat my advice from two pages ago.

Pay particular notice to the last line.

I think you may be unravelling and in need of some professional help.

I have tried to scale down on my display of obsession and I think I have managed that. If he would have been scared, he should have been scared away a long time ago. He shouldn't have even met up with me at all this trip. He is just one mixed up guy I guess. I know I shouldn't start blaming other people when I myself have issues but....oh well. I'm sure there has to be a reason, an explanation behind all this but I don't if and when I will ever find out.

 

[Riverrick]

Sorry to hear this happened to you, Confusedboy.

Tyler said it very well. He seems immature and selfish. At the very least, he's lacking some basic social courtesy.

Even though its apparent that this has been mostly one sided since the beginning, its confusing that he didn't break off contact with you sooner or prevent you from flying back to Boston. Those little signals were enough to give you hope. It seems very unfair for him to dash it now.

I don't think you're unravelling. I think you're handling this very well. You've grown a lot in the past few weeks.

I know its painful. Being alone is. And losing someone, even if they were just a possibility, makes the aloneness more poignant for a while.

Just keep writing. You'll be ok. Have a safe trip back.

 

[confusedboy23]

Well it sounds like he's a dud. You have been putting all the effort into this and he doesn't seem to care. He seems very self centered and selfish. You made a good choice standing up for yourself with the text. Even though some of those circumstances couldn't have been avoided on his behalf, they could have been handled more maturely.

If someone flew in to see me, I would make sure they at least had company, even if I was stuck in a hospital. I would contact them when I said I would. All these things spell disaster and I hate to see you get hurt by an immature jerk anymore.

Sorry it went so sour, but at least you have seen his true colors before it got too serious. But what's next?
Keep in touch-I know you will. Best wishes-tyler

I agree with you Tyler - he was a bit selfish hence one part of me is already cussing and cursing him. But I guess my softer side always wins - I am hurting and I am longing for him kinda badly. I am looking for answers - I just want to know what's going on but I don't know if I will ever know that. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if he just took one second of his life and told me that we can only just be friends or even, I can't be bothered being friends with you at all. At least, that will give me closure.

As for keeping in touch with you - I sure will. Wish me luck with my long flight back today.

 

[confusedboy23]

Sorry to hear this happened to you, Confusedboy.

Tyler said it very well. He seems immature and selfish. At the very least, he's lacking some basic social courtesy.

Even though its apparent that this has been mostly one sided since the beginning, its confusing that he didn't break off contact with you sooner or prevent you from flying back to Boston. Those little signals were enough to give you hope. It seems very unfair for him to dash it now.

I don't think you're unravelling. I think you're handling this very well. You've grown a lot in the past few weeks.

I know its painful. Being alone is. And losing someone, even if they were just a possibility, makes the aloneness more poignant for a while.

Just keep writing. You'll be ok. Have a safe trip back.

Riverrick, I must say that I agree with you wholeheartedly that it was indeed rather one sided from the very start but I knew that I had to give it a go. I sure did, but it looks like maybe I shouldn't have. Those signals were confusing, and even until right now, his signals still aren't any clearer.

Thanks for listening, and noticing that I have 'grown a lot'. It's raining out there and I'm hoping that flight leaves on time, and it won't be too bumpy (my life is already too bumpy to handle any more bumps!).

 

[G-Lexington]

Getting no signals is also a signal. It signals that there's little or no interested.

I'd say he likes you OK, but you're most certainly not a priority. If you'd like to spend the next few years trying to wedge in a couple stolen hours with him whenever it's suitable for him, fine, but don't expect it to get any better.

Give up. Go home, start over. You don't have to "never speak to him again", but henceforth, he's a long-distance acquaintence, and nothing more.

Lex

 

[chance1]

^u gotta lot of good advice from river, g-lex and hunt and others

it all says the same thing

ur attached
he isn't

ur pushing for something that isn't there - horrible feeling i know - u think if u just hang in - he'll come to his senses - he might - probably won't - and meanwhile u will be investing ur time/energy in this - not good for ur head or heart - not good for ur self confidence and self esteem

i know how u feel

u gave it a good shot

it takes 2 to tango

it does

with 1 - there is no tango - ur dancing by urself

ur a good dude

really

try - very hard - to let this go - u gotta let this go

and when u do - u will feel better

not right away - but u will

u will

take care

 

[jockboy01]

Well, I'm really sorry about this trip. Doesn't sound like it went well. But it does sound like you got at least some sort of an answer out of it. So maybe it wasn't a total loss.

I would say move on at this point. Either he's not interested or he's a selfish ass in a relationship and you deserve better in either case. I don't know what he was/is thinking and honestly at this point, it really doesn't matter. If I were in your shoes (and I was in similar not too long ago which I can tell you about if you like), I'd consider the entire relationship in his court and the most that relationship would be is friendship. I wouldn't initiate contact but would be cordial if he did. Nothing more, nothing less. You really do deserve better than the way he is treating you. And you'll find it at some point. I know it doesn't feel like it right now.

As to obsessiveness, I think you got much better. The picture you painted is clearly within normal limits of the situation. His loss. Sorry I don't have better news.

 

[confusedboy23]

The flight yesterday was sure long and bumpy - very cloudy (as if it wasn't gloomy enough for me)! So here I am, back at home, and will be back at work this afternoon.

Firstly, a big thanks to you all for all your thoughts on this, for your responses here and for your PMs. I really do appreciate them. It just makes me feel a little less lonelier with the loss that I am going through right now.

I did wake up this morning hoping that he could have texted me or something, but sure enough, he did not. I still wish that we were at least friends, but at this point, I don't know how we could have been friends on Saturday afternoon and we spoke on the phone on Sunday night and then out of a sudden, it's like we're enemies or something that he wouldn't even talk to me the next day!

Anyway, before I left Boston yesterday, I called him twice at 9am and just before I got on the plane at 12pm. No answer. So I texted him this

NOT SURE WHY YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING. WITH SO MANY FREAK EVENTS AROUND YOU, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OK. THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR AND I'D HOPE THAT WE ARE FRIENDS. TAKE CARE. I JUST HOPE THAT YOU WILL AT LEAST TEXT ME BACK.

At that point, I was seriously more concerned about his wellbeing than my desire for him. There's been too many things going on in his life and I really did feel for him. I would have been a selfish bastard if all I cared about was winning him over and I guess the saying is right - nice guys always finish last! I sure did lose in this case.

I still don't know what I did or said wrong, that he could have just turned around and not want anything to do with me. I just don't understand. Here I am sitting down doing a post-mortem - thinking back to the day we met, the things we did, the conversations we shared - I don't find it.

If he wasn't interested, he could have ignored me long ago. Or, better still, why can't he could have just be honest with me? Why can't we just be friends? I guess I'll never find answers to these questions now that he's not talking to me.

I agree that I should lay off further contact with him. It's hard I know but I guess there isn't much else I can do right now. I so want to hear from him, to know he's OK, and to know what's going on..... I can only hope that maybe after some time, he'd be ready to talk. Don't know if that's hope, or just wishful thinking. I hate unfinished business!

 

[chance1]

The flight yesterday was sure long and bumpy - very cloudy (as if it wasn't gloomy enough for me)! So here I am, back at home, and will be back at work this afternoon.

Firstly, a big thanks to you all for all your thoughts on this, for your responses here and for your PMs. I really do appreciate them. It just makes me feel a little less lonelier with the loss that I am going through right now.

I did wake up this morning hoping that he could have texted me or something, but sure enough, he did not. I still wish that we were at least friends, but at this point, I don't know how we could have been friends on Saturday afternoon and we spoke on the phone on Sunday night and then out of a sudden, it's like we're enemies or something that he wouldn't even talk to me the next day!

Anyway, before I left Boston yesterday, I called him twice at 9am and just before I got on the plane at 12pm. No answer. So I texted him this

NOT SURE WHY YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING. WITH SO MANY FREAK EVENTS AROUND YOU, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OK. THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR AND I'D HOPE THAT WE ARE FRIENDS. TAKE CARE. I JUST HOPE THAT YOU WILL AT LEAST TEXT ME BACK.

At that point, I was seriously more concerned about his wellbeing than my desire for him. There's been too many things going on in his life and I really did feel for him. I would have been a selfish bastard if all I cared about was winning him over and I guess the saying is right - nice guys always finish last! I sure did lose in this case.

I still don't know what I did or said wrong, that he could have just turned around and not want anything to do with me. I just don't understand. Here I am sitting down doing a post-mortem - thinking back to the day we met, the things we did, the conversations we shared - I don't find it.

If he wasn't interested, he could have ignored me long ago. Or, better still, why can't he could have just be honest with me? Why can't we just be friends? I guess I'll never find answers to these questions now that he's not talking to me.

I agree that I should lay off further contact with him. It's hard I know but I guess there isn't much else I can do right now. I so want to hear from him, to know he's OK, and to know what's going on..... I can only hope that maybe after some time, he'd be ready to talk. Don't know if that's hope, or just wishful thinking. I hate unfinished business!

ur such an open book - and that's so cool - don't change

u kinda understand mentally it seems what the deal is - he's not there for u - but ur heart won't let go - i know - it's hard

don't think about what he is thinking - u will never know - and it doesn't matter - he doesn't define u - he doesn't - u do - caring about him is natural and that will go away over time - u have done nothing wrong aside from maybe pushing too hard - u know that i think

not sure if u want him to come back and talk - then u will be taken to the same place again - and it's not a good place - find other things to do - to occupy ur time - time will heal this but the busier u r - and the more people u interact with - well, this will blow over

thanks for sharing - like i said - ur openness is really refreshing and cool

all the best