What makes guys do this? (texting)

[Natello4]

Happy New Year, everyone!

A nice guy wrote me a message online (another media) and we hit it off rather quickly. We chatted and started to get to now one another. At some point, we started sexting too. It was nice and we discovered interesting things one about the other. The next day we chatted again, but texting and sexting lasted shorter. I approach this with an open mind and didn't want to cling on him, thus neither of us texted during the third day. Later he would write messages like "How are you today?", "Hope you're having a good weekend, cutie.", however our conversation died off after two to four sentences every time. He also ignored my curious question about his hobby. I kind of sense they lost interest or manipulate at this point. What I could understand from out texts is that our priorities are not exactly the same:

Him: texting and sexting over pursueing a relationship (not against that)

Me: purseuing a relationship over texting and sexting (not against that).

However, it's not strictly defined for both of us.

This made me a bit curious, why a guy would not ghost (typical behaviour) and still text me at this point? Our texts don't flow the same way.

Is it a clear sign to move on? Curious to know what is your opinion on such cases.

 

[TotallyLostatLife]

There's so many causes for this type of behavior.
May be you touch a wrong topic and the guy felt offended.
Or your guy has another chat with someone else
Or maybe he does not have the time for answer in a daily basis

Still is very wrong to not say what are his hobbies to you.

If i were you, I try another shot. But if the conversation does not flow so i think is time to move on.

 

[Natello4]

There's so many causes for this type of behavior.
May be you touch a wrong topic and the guy felt offended.
Or your guy has another chat with someone else
Or maybe he does not have the time for answer in a daily basis

Still is very wrong to not say what are his hobbies to you.

If i were you, I try another shot. But if the conversation does not flow so i think is time to move on.

You're right. There can be a lot of reasons for this behavior. It's confusing to understand now as communication got limited.

He did write about his hobbies, just didn't expand on one when I asked. It's the type of a question that may have cornered him in some way, if he lied previously.

Online dating is difficult for sure.

 

[Natello4]

The air was cleared when I sent him a casual message. Thank you.

 

[TotallyLostatLife]

The air was cleared when I sent him a casual message. Thank you.

I hope you are alright, so sorry to hear that maybe things didn't go well

 

[Natello4]

I hope you are alright, so sorry to hear that maybe things didn't go well

It's alright. He was visiting family and similar stuff. We got a conversation going again. Sometimes it's a challenge to keep it going online. Expectations are low, but something keeps us coming back.

 

[Natello4]

Any tips on how to keep him interested when texting? He's younger than me (not very much younger) and admits having a hookup phase. Overall, seems a decent guy (educated, well-travelled, curious mind, etc.). We texted and sexted for a while. Then texted again after a break. He reminded of how our previous sext still makes him hard. Lol I'm giving him space and he comes back. I have very little experience in such relationships and don't want to cling too much, but also silently wish we interacted a bit more.

 

[trinket]

Any tips on how to keep him interested when texting?

...but also silently wish we interacted a bit more.

Your first post starting this thread suggested the aims of you and him may be different. That may still be, ultimately, but while you're exploring the dynamic between the two of you, I say try not to overthink it (easier said than done, I know). Find things in common to connect about, or that gets either of you enthusiastic and gushing about. Everyone "lights up" about something in their life. What about common hobbies or pop culture or entertainment things to talk about? Ask what TV series he's binged recently, or loves a long time, and compare your thoughts; or offer to watch an episode or two if you haven't, lol. Ask about him favorite music artists. Heck, porn star preferences. You say he's well-traveled, what about travel experiences or hotspots? What about tech he likes and uses (or is frustrated by)? Most everyone can either positively gush about something, or rant about something they find annoying (like wanting to throw a badly designed phone across the room).

Seems you might be struggling between idle "small talk" - or the pure sext talk - and more genuine "getting to know each other" stuff where you want to learn more about him, and hopefully, him you. I think you'll know pretty quickly if your aims are different, but no harm in learning more about what he's into and see if he wants to do the same for you.

 

[PalacePaul]

If there is some possibility that you 2 meet face to face, do it.

 

[Natello4]

Your first post starting this thread suggested the aims of you and him may be different. That may still be, ultimately, but while you're exploring the dynamic between the two of you, I say try not to overthink it (easier said than done, I know). Find things in common to connect about, or that gets either of you enthusiastic and gushing about. Everyone "lights up" about something in their life. What about common hobbies or pop culture or entertainment things to talk about? Ask what TV series he's binged recently, or loves a long time, and compare your thoughts; or offer to watch an episode or two if you haven't, lol. Ask about him favorite music artists. Heck, porn star preferences. You say he's well-traveled, what about travel experiences or hotspots? What about tech he likes and uses (or is frustrated by)? Most everyone can either positively gush about something, or rant about something they find annoying (like wanting to throw a badly designed phone across the room).

Seems you might be struggling between idle "small talk" - or the pure sext talk - and more genuine "getting to know each other" stuff where you want to learn more about him, and hopefully, him you. I think you'll know pretty quickly if your aims are different, but no harm in learning more about what he's into and see if he wants to do the same for you.

Thank you for the advice. As of now, the interest is to explore the dynamic (well-phrased) and get to know one another more. As much I would like to communicate more often, I tend to give him space. When I focus on something else in life, I usually come back to the phone later during thr dsy and see his messages. We kind of backed off after the first tense communication for hours. The conversations are casual and they flow. I let him come back to me himself and he does. Today, he texted me when he was organising books and, naturally, we texted about literature. My own struggle usually is sharing a lot quickly and then sext and being ghosted. I really want to keep it casual and just to know a guy without him running away after one day.

 

[Natello4]

If there is some possibility that you 2 meet face to face, do it.

Not in the near future. We are quite far one from the other. We did have a chat about trips and even figured a common place of interest to explore. It is how it is for better or worse. We both seem to have taken a step back and have some really meaningful conversations that don't last for hours and yet make us engaged. I let him "run to the hills" as much as possible if he wants to, but he comes back.

 

[TX-Beau]

You can't "get to know" someone through pixels. He is absolutely controlling every impression of him you have. Everyone on the net is doing that to one degree or another. If you want to "get to know" him you're going to have to start interacting in person. You also can't assess compatibility on the net for the same reason. At some point, you have to be in each other's physical presence.

That said, why the angst? If he won't, he won't. Talk to other people. You don't have any investment in this particular guy, just some apparently mild curiosity. In the end, does it really matter what he says? You don't seem to be planning to get serious with this, so enjoy what's on offer and let the rest go.

 

[Natello4]

You can't "get to know" someone through pixels. He is absolutely controlling every impression of him you have. Everyone on the net is doing that to one degree or another. If you want to "get to know" him you're going to have to start interacting in person. You also can't assess compatibility on the net for the same reason. At some point, you have to be in each other's physical presence.

That said, why the angst? If he won't, he won't. Talk to other people. You don't have any investment in this particular guy, just some apparently mild curiosity. In the end, does it really matter what he says? You don't seem to be planning to get serious with this, so enjoy what's on offer and let the rest go.

The interest is to keep communicating until we can meet and talk live (and beyond hopefully). I enjoy texting with him so far.

 

[Natello4]

At least, he is nice to me and I am nice with him. It's nothing too personal or very intimate. Could be a penpal situation, and I don't mind it. It's experience, too.

 

[PalacePaul]

At least, he is nice to me and I am nice with him. It's nothing too personal or very intimate. Could be a penpal situation, and I don't mind it. It's experience, too.

I really hope you can keep things this way.
But if you are like me, you will start fantasizing and building expectations on him, and you will be crushed when it doesn't work. I'm talking from experience. Don't let this happen to you

 

[trinket]

The interest is to keep communicating until we can meet and talk live (and beyond hopefully). I enjoy texting with him so far.

Are you guys local to each other, or in reasonable traveling distance at least? I don't know if you said that, apologies if I missed it. I'm sure if you're both comfortable with it and want to expand your "canvas" beyond just texting (and sexting), you can do Facetime/Zoom/whatever in just audio or audio+video form, also.

 

[trinket]

and you will be crushed when it doesn't work. I'm talking from experience. Don't let this happen to you

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Sorry that happened to you. I'm sure most of us have been through relationships that ended poorly or mismatched expectations. It's wisdom for future times, but isn't it worth taking the chance a connection could be great and one could be truly happy, or at least have some interesting experiences/stories to tell, than not at all?

 

[TX-Beau]

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Sorry that happened to you. I'm sure most of us have been through relationships that ended poorly or mismatched expectations. It's wisdom for future times, but isn't it worth taking the chance a connection could be great and one could be truly happy, or at least have some interesting experiences/stories to tell, than not at all?

That aphorism is entirely dependent on the context of "lost." Sometimes, it's better never to have "loved." Especially when all the red flags were ignored - like falling for your obviously and bluntly 'phobic hetero acquaintance.

The really should read "...it's better to have been loved and lost..."

 

[Natello4]

I really hope you can keep things this way.
But if you are like me, you will start fantasizing and building expectations on him, and you will be crushed when it doesn't work. I'm talking from experience. Don't let this happen to you

This happened more than I could admit. I usually share a lot at first, fantasize and the next thing I know he ran for the hills. I will try to keep it simple and make it last for a bit longer. Maybe even meet in the future.

 

[PalacePaul]

This happened more than I could admit. I usually share a lot at first, fantasize and the next thing I know he ran for the hills. I will try to keep it simple and make it last for a bit longer. Maybe even meet in the future.

No need to tell me more, you and I are on the same boat