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What To Do About College Roommates?

When I first read this, my immediate thought was you need to do what you need to do. You have to live with it, literally all year. And that you described you new roomie as a kinda lame lacrosse frat boy - well, you likely figure he's not gonna take it well and do you really want issues as a Freshmen, beyond getting good grades, making friends, etc. If he's a total head case and even though he's the one with the problem, you might have the problem pushed on you. Not fair, but reality.

Flip side is why should you have to hide who you are - not good for your self esteem - and not fair - and no way to start in what should be a great experience - college.

But after reading a few posts I like the idea of playing it by ear - be yourself. If he asks, you tell. Cause truthfully, it's not a big deal. And Soilwork is right - can't let 'em smell the fear (not saying there is any). If he's a bully and you are apologetic in any way, you're toast.

Good thread

Good luck in college Ginuwine. Something tells me you're gonna kick ass. And Boston is a great town
 
I'm kinda surprised he's setting policies about girls in the room before he's met you....he's definately thinking ahead to avoid any future problems. It can get awkward if you don't establish ground-rules. I like the quote too, I don't think he's quite the person you initially made him out to be.

Personally, if you're out already to people at home, I don't think you'd have trouble if you told him. You probably should get to know him just a little bit more first, but so far there haven't been any indications that things would get ugly if you said anything.

On the otherhand, if you don't want to mention anything, I don't see any reason that you should feel obligated to tell him. I mean, there are senarios where you would definately want to tell him:

Probable senarios:

1. If you're out to other people at school and word would eventually get back around to him. His reaction would probably be worse if he heard from someone else first.

2. If you are in an open relationship with someone and are bringing them back to the room. That could make for a really bizarre situation.

3. If you plan on coming out at college at any point during the year. He will probably be upset that you didn't tell him earlier.

Not so probable senario:

4. You're interested in him and want to find out if he's gay....but from the sounds of it, never going to happen.
 
Look at it this way, if you tell him and he doesn't like it, tell him you don't care if he switches rooms but that you're not going to cuz you don't see it as that big of a problem. If he ends up wanting to switch, they will move HIM out not YOU, meaning you'll have the place to yourself for awhile...
 
I think if you want to be honest, you should tell him. He sounds like he would be cool with it... but it's hard to tell b4 you meet somebody for sure. LOL, I like bxrbriefs comment about how if he doesn't like it he can switch rooms. A bit confrontational... but maybe you can say you don't have a problem with him being str8 so hope he doesn't have a problem with you being gay. Honestly, I'm really no good here. But it sounds like it is at a tell or hide point.
 
Don't ask don't tell ... would you expect him to walk in and tell you he is hetro?
 
See, these "you wouldn't tell him if you were hetero" suggestions don't work. He's going in there assuming you're hetero, which you aren't and that means he can take liberties by assuming you're hetero, which you aren't, such as possibly making anti-gay remarks or comments in your presence. Straight people use that allt he time to justify silencing LGBT's because they never tell anyone or celebrate their heterosexuality. But that's because they 'celebrate' and tell everyone about their heterosexuality in so many daily ways that they don't even notice. Talking about girls, bringing girls back to their rooms, posting pictures of girls, etc. etc. If a gay person to these people, started doing the same things, they would probably be deemed a 'flaunter'.

So no, the 'hetero's don't tell people' shtick isn't valid because yes, hetero's do tell people, it's just that it doesn't seem like it since everyone for the majority assumes they are to begin with.

Does a straight guy tell his roomates he's straight when he lives in the Gay Village? Probably. It's to avoid confusion and clear the air so all parties can be sure of how to adapt their behavior (or not adapt their behavior, sometimes).

My freshman roommate was a jock. He was also from the Upper Penninsula. I told him so we could be clear about it, just so he would know. He turned out to be aethiest and very supportive and accepting. We had a blast our freshman year. It's not all horror stories and it's valid information to tell. He himself said that when I told him, he had to process it, which means that it was not redundant information as the 'heteros don't tell' posters insinuate.

He needs to know where you stand so he can adjust his possible behavior to respect you just as knowing about him and him emailing you about girl guidelines is his attempt at clearing the air and setting up respectful rules betweent he two of you for the space and privacy you share.

You don't have to beat his head in with a list of advisories, you just need to let him know that you're gay and if that's a problem for him, he'll have to deal with it (perhaps not so harsh sounding and less ultimatum-esque). From there, it'll be his decision and it doesn't mean you're going to act like anything you aren't.
 
See?

How many times do I have to say that it's ALWAYS a bigger deal to us than it is to anyone else?
 
That's pretty cool. I like how he acknowleges that its a scary thing to do - tell someone you are gay. Some straight people would miss that.

Is sounds like you got a keeper here. I'll bet you feel closer to him already.
 
I would give him a chance.

Let him know as soon as possible that you are gay and ask him if that's going to be a problem for him, because otherwise, it would be better for both of you, if you asked for a transfer. Something along those lines.

If he says "no problem" and seems to mean it, then give him a chance.

If he hesitates, then tell him to think about it check again the next day.

If his tells you it would be a problem or acts like an asshole, then accept it and ask for the transfer. Remember that he's the asshole, not you.

I would remain neutrally friendly with him throughout the transfer as well as after, always making a point of speaking to him, like asking him about his new roomie, how he's adjusting to campus life, if he's checked out the gym yet, etc. Give him a chance (and others on your floor) to see that it's no big deal.

If someone from the floor asks you about the transfer, then just tell them straight up that he was a bit uncomfortable with the idea of you being gay, being from a conservative background and you both decided it was better this way... sort of like he's just not ready for a gay roomie yet, but eventually he would be (like you expect the listener to be).

If you're giving him the chance, make sure the others hear about it (it'll get back to him), like how you were a bit doubtful, him being conservative, but he really surprised you with his openness (like you expect them to be).

These straight guys don't stand a chance if you do it right (4 M's: Manipulate, Manipulate, Manipulate).
 
Yes, it really is always a bigger deal to us than most of the world. So, congratulations on getting this out of the way! :=D:
 
yeah, congrats... now you can move on with getting to know each other without wondering how he'll feel when he finds out. And that's awesome that he's cool with it.
 
bluedragon4 said:
Be careful!! I have seen people go violent over someone being gay. I had a single in college but my dorm mates found out i was gay and carved fag into my door. people are not as open minded as people on here wish they were. I believe in being out 100% but if you fear for your safty don't tell him. find out who he is first and who his friends are. wait a couple weeks or months to tell him.not trying to scare you but i found the most homophobia when i was in college. couldn't believe kids my age were so evil about it.
Click to expand...

This is why "don't ask; don't tell" works best. I got through 4 years in a frat house being gay. I was even Rush Chairman and made sure we pledged guys I'd enjoy seeing naked. Some guys I think figured it out, but nobody asked, and I never told.
 
Yay, Ginuwine! Way to go! See, it was easy, right? A lot easier than living in anxiety the whole year. Now you can concentrate on your schoolwork... and getting laid. Boston's a great town to be gay in.
 
Yay! See? Great job! ::hugs:: Hugs all the fuck around! Let's all do well to remember this. Kick ass. Go acceptance!

This actually really made my day :D (Can you tell?)
 
hmm....that worked out well. Have a good year at school.
 
"i was going to Governor's School"

ah yes, Gov. School - East or West?

People react to what you put out there - if you're uptight or uncomfortable with something about yourself, others will react accordingly. If you're comfortable and act like things are no big deal, others will have to adjust or it becomes their problem/issue and they can be the ones on the defensive.
 
I am just now on my first year at my university, and I am NOT going to tell my roomate that i am gay. Its not worth it, when i bring home a guy, then we might have to have a talk. Hopefully it will be the hottie 2 doors down. lol
 
lol at soccerstud... and good luck with the hottie. Maybe you can trade roommates if that works out? Wouldn't that work out well :)
 
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